how many people on here have unhappy marriages?

[jenny]

sometimes i go through the threads and just feel sort of scared. it sometimes seems like so many people have unhappy or unsatisfactory couplings; i guess that is partly because of the nature of the forum.

 

how many of you feel like you are in fundamentally unhappy unions? i know sometimes people rant to let off steam, but how many people really would rather leave?

 

 

 

(i think i'm looking for evidence that most people are basically happy, despite problems, but i tried to edit the question enough to be more neutral. now i'm just owning up to my bias. )

[moimeme]

This is the wrong demographic to sample, Jenny. It's unlikely that people will end up on LS because they're awash in bliss. Some of the people who stick around to give advice are doing well in their relationships, but they are outnumbered by the unhappy members.

 

I'm only saying this so you won't be disappointed if you see a lot of misery turn up on this thread.

[zarathustra]

but how many people really would rather leave?

 

 

Let me think: How should I answer that question on a public forum with my photo emblazoned on the screen?

 

I'll get back to you.

[Moose]

( Once again agreeing with moimeme ), Even though I've been complaining lately about the happenings going on in my marriage, I consider ours to be a happy union. Not without disagreements or personal opinions, but my wife and I will always have problems, ( We are total opposites ). However, we've been Married for over 16 years and I can't speak for her, but I don't know what I'd do without her. It would be like losing my right arm.

[Fedup&givingup]

Originally posted by moimeme

This is the wrong demographic to sample, Jenny. It's unlikely that people will end up on LS because they're awash in bliss. Some of the people who stick around to give advice are doing well in their relationships, but they are outnumbered by the unhappy members.

 

I'm only saying this so you won't be disappointed if you see a lot of misery turn up on this thread.

 

Right. Something not so pleasant brought someone to this forum to start with. I could be wrong, but people who are just happy and content wouldn't be seeking out advice from a relationship forum. Maybe someone would want to just go and confess how great and wonderful their life is with their significant other, but I doubt it. It's the old cliche of no news is good news.

 

As for me....I think my situation goes without saying, and so does my name on here.

 

Good thread, Jenny.

[Juggs]

I think my answer to this would be as follows:

 

It's not that I would rather leave.... I just wish I could turn back time and avoid being in this spot to begin with.

 

*sigh*

[Fedup&givingup]

Originally posted by Juggs

I think my answer to this would be as follows:

 

It's not that I would rather leave.... I just wish I could turn back time and avoid being in this spot to begin with.

 

*sigh*

 

Exactly. In other words, if you had it to do over again.....

[Juggs]

That's exectly it. First time in my entire life I ever thought like that.

[Pookette]

It's not that I would rather leave.... I just wish I could turn back time and avoid being in this spot to begin with.

 

*sigh*

 

Amen. Who has a frickin husband who talks about porn after sex? I DO. Last night. I don't want to sound repetitive here, but if I had known what I know now about his habits I would have run the other way.

 

This is the wrong demographic to sample, Jenny. It's unlikely that people will end up on LS because they're awash in bliss.

 

I agree. I started posting one year ago this month for the same problem as above. Loveshack is my support group and I seriously appreciate all (well, just about all) advice I either get myself or get indirectly from other posts/topics.

 

Keep it coming guys. God knows I really need it now.

[asiangirl]

I'm 29 and was thinking maybe it's time I give marriage serious thought. I never really truly thought of what marriage means. My approach has always been if it happens it's great but if not, hey I can enjoy the single life like the best of them. But when I ended my previous serious relationship after 4 1/2 years I thought maybe I should at least try to forsee a future with the current one. And now that I'm 29 (been in the current relationship for over 2 years) I'm thinking if I want marriage and kids this is the time I should act on it. But the truth is I can go either way, and I really only want to get married once. After reading about all the posts on this forum I can say single is looking real good right about now.

 

Right now I'm leaning on being single and adopting a kid.

 

Sorry to stray from the topic, the answer is no I'm not happy but then again I'm not married either. Not even engaged, just living together.

[Pookette]

Well, if it's any consolation asiangirl, I wish I had waited until I was older. I got married when I was 21 to a 32 year old. In retrospect, it might just turn out to be a dreadful mistake.

 

Many women are happy with their partners. I am satisfied with everything but the porn habit.

 

I feel terrible on my behalf for making someone think that marriage may not be the way to go. I'm sorry. I'm pretty bitter and defeated right now so that's where this is coming from. If you had caught me last night here, I was having tons of fun. Just see the vibrator post started by moimeme!

[moimeme]

Asiangirl

 

The lessons to take away from LS are:

 

- Do not become 'good friends' with a married guy. You'll probably fall in love and come to grief.

- Do not marry in haste. Get to know him VERY well - even live with him for a while.

- Discuss EVERYTHING before you decide to marry, money, kids, amount of companionship, porn use, etc. There are books on the market with questions for people to discuss before deciding to marry. Take a marriage prep course.

- Listen carefully to what he has to say about himself and then see if his behaviour is in congruence with what he says about himself; if he says he's a 'nice guy' but has road rage, is rude to strangers, and is thoughtless to you, he's not the 'nice guy' he styles himself. The more congruence you find between his idea of himself and his behaviour, the likelier it is that you'll be dealing with a man who's got a good sense of self-awarenes. This is often a very good trait.

 

LS is a great resource of cautionary tales to tell you what to avoid in choosing to marry. It doesn't mean never marry; it just means do so wisely.

[marriagesucks]

Originally posted by zarathustra

Let me think: How should I answer that question on a public forum with my photo emblazoned on the screen?

 

I'll get back to you.

 

hey zarathustra, i love that song that you used as you signiture. i told one of my male co-workers that i love that song. he said he didnt expect a female to like it. what i didnt tell him was that i like to be the female in the song.

[marriagesucks]

Originally posted by Juggs

I think my answer to this would be as follows:

 

It's not that I would rather leave.... I just wish I could turn back time and avoid being in this spot to begin with.

 

*sigh*

me and my husband broke up once while we were dating, after we got married and some time passed, i asked why did he break up with me, he said it was so that he can have a few hot nights florida with this girl, but when he went to florida, he found out that she died before he got down there, i thought to myself, thats what you get bastard!! i know that might have been mean, but i dont care. besides the story i just told you.....my point is i wish we would have stayed broken up then...then i wouldnt be so depressed now.

[Thinkalot]

Glad you asked Jenny?

 

Seriously, marriage is a risk. It's OK to have some healthy fears and think carefully. It just means you are taking it seriously. It'd be more of a problem if you were 'in love' thinking everything will always be rosy.

 

Marriage takes work, compromise and lots of love and committment from what I can tell. Already my guy and I have given each other plenty of those things! And we are going strong after nearly three years. I think we've learnt lessons which will help us negotiate stumbling blocks down the line. Those lessons have not come easy.

 

There are no guarantees. But if you know and love each other well, have reasonable expectations and you are committed, then you have a great chance of success.

[jenny]

i am actually. thanks everybody...i really appreciate your sharing this stuff, i know it must be hard.

 

marriage prep is an almost constant stream of alarmingly perky couples, who are all terrific, but sort of...implausible, i guess. (we revel in our skepticism, though, admittedly ) i need these kind of stories for balance and a healthy reality dose - we've actually worked in some of the stuff from forum into our exercises. i want to be prepared for anything, you know?

 

i did not realize how many people actually wanted *out*, (rather than changes) though - that was a surprise.

[sportsloving]

I am not currently married but am in love with my best friend. And I did some damage to our relationship.. that was my basis for coming to this site all that time ago (oh heck, its only been a month!). And having been married/divorced twice...

 

It is amazing how many people have gone through or willing to go through things I have... and to think I thought I was special. So if I can lend a ear, shoulder, or a tissue or put in my two cents, it is easy to stick around.

 

As for the forum, sometimes it surprises me. I think I am getting know people and I think every once in awhile I help. And I shared this site with my S/O and we sometimes talk about things we never thunk to think about.

 

I agree that marriage is a risk. Communication, trust, faith, and a good sense of compromise will go a long way.(Along with a sense of humor, however warped). Knowing that some issues you can face alone, some you can't, and some are just never going to be resolved (such as who gets the remote on Monday night when you want to watch Football and he wants to watch some sappy old movie... ughs).

[TazmaGurl]

Well poop. I just started a thread asking the same question before reading this.

 

Sorry all ^_^

 

But to answer your question. I don't want out at all. I would say my marriage is 100% good.

 

its my mind thats 100% worries and doubts and fears.

 

 

Tazmagurl ^^

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by moimeme

Asiangirl

 

The lessons to take away from LS are:

 

- Do not become 'good friends' with a married guy. You'll probably fall in love and come to grief.

- Do not marry in haste. Get to know him VERY well - even live with him for a while.

- Discuss EVERYTHING before you decide to marry, money, kids, amount of companionship, porn use, etc. There are books on the market with questions for people to discuss before deciding to marry. Take a marriage prep course.

- Listen carefully to what he has to say about himself and then see if his behaviour is in congruence with what he says about himself; if he says he's a 'nice guy' but has road rage, is rude to strangers, and is thoughtless to you, he's not the 'nice guy' he styles himself. The more congruence you find between his idea of himself and his behaviour, the likelier it is that you'll be dealing with a man who's got a good sense of self-awarenes. This is often a very good trait.

 

LS is a great resource of cautionary tales to tell you what to avoid in choosing to marry. It doesn't mean never marry; it just means do so wisely.

 

I'll echo Moimeme's post -- good advice for anyone. I will add one more thing --- spend time with his/her family. Stay with them for a week if you can, or be close enough to really observe them when they are not on their best behavior. Look for patterns or behaviors that may cause you problems if they crop up in your prospective mate (pm). If one parent is an alcoholic or suffers from depression then you need to look for similar behaviors in your pm so that you can help him/her avoid the same destructive path that their parents were on. Also, if you see something really positive in the family -- creativity, strong work ethic, etc. then you can also look for an encourage that behavior in your pm. Families have a lot of influence over us and besides genetics, our behavior patterns, morals, etc. come from our upbringing. How many times have you heard people say they were turning into their mother or father? They might seem like opposites at 25 years old, but when they hit 40 you can really start to see their parents in them, and they will see your parents in you.

 

Don't be afraid of marriage - but go into it confident in yourself and in your union and the way to build confidence is knowledge.

[asiangirl]

His family is great, his mom LOVES me. She sends me cookies and calls me for my birthday. I would say my family stresses him out more than his. But I think there are some relationships where two people get along fine but there's just some fundamental differences that won't work in the long run.

 

Now here's a question for you guys, do you really believe it's possible to meet "THE ONE"? I must say there's so many duds out there I wonder if there would be one that's right for me.

[jenny]

for me, this advice will not work. his family is just. crazy. well, at least his mom is. i've come to peace with it by knowing she must be actually chemically imbalanced, but there is no way we would spend one more moment around her than necessary. she has her problems; i am abstractly sympathetic, but i am not going to harm myself by spending any time with her. if i have kids, i will not allow her unsupervised access.

 

he's gotten some help for some of the stuff his mom put him through: constant forced prayer, burning and breaking of personal items, evidently 'g-d inspired' beatings, public denouncings of his father; it's awful. it's insane, she is insane. worse, she's angry, paranoid, shallow, and vain, insane. he is very much a seperate person from them now, and oftens expresses dislike for having to see them.

 

i know patterns continue. but i think one can break through them if they are recognized and addressed.

[moimeme]

It can also work in reverse. I've known a couple guys that I hoped would turn out like their fathers. They didn't, unfortunately

[asiangirl]

Originally posted by moimeme

It can also work in reverse. I've known a couple guys that I hoped would turn out like their fathers. They didn't, unfortunately

 

I agreed! My ex's father was responsible, athletic, educated, considerate, caring, and a fantastic business man. My ex was an alcoholic, limited education, selfish, vain, and makes very poor business/personal decisions. The only saving grace for my ex is that he inherited $2 million of his grandfather's fortunes when he turned 18. But unlike his father who started a business when he inherited his at 18, my ex drank and partied his away.