Conflicting feeling about my family...

[lilybear]

I have conflicting feelings about my family and I am not sure how to deal with them.

 

Throughout my life, my parents have always been overprotective. My dad has gotten a lot better as I've gotten older. I've always seemed to have a better relationship with him. My mom though, is very opinionated and has no problem speaking her mind. She prys into every aspect of my life and never seems to allow me to be me. I have always been very shy and unsure of myself. I was diagnosed with social anxiety and depression and was told by a psychologist that this was a result, in part, of my parents' way of raising me.

 

After high school, I sort of "rebelled" and tried to do my own thing. Many of the choices I made were more based on wanting to get away rather than what was best for me in the long run. I ended up not finishing college, getting married and having a baby. My ex-husband turned out to be abusive and after 3 1/2 years of marriage, I left him.

 

My parents were very supportive, helped me immensely financially. They did everything they could for my son and me and I am eternally grateful for what they did.

 

Now I live in a different state than they do with my son and boyfriend. I am going to school full time to finish my degree and also work part time. I have a great life here and feel like I have gotten back on track.

 

So here is the problem. My parents visit often and most of their visits are filled with tension and frustration. Most of it comes from my mom. She is very controlling of how I do things (like how I run my household and raise my son). She frequently undermines me with my son as well. She makes comments about small things that are wrong with our house (even though I think we have a very nice home given our budget). She is also very nosy and will go through drawers and look in cabinets. She asks me how I spend my money and gives me "suggestions" on how to better spend it. She also nags me about changing things that I cannot possibly change. Normally, when she does this I just listen, thank her for her opinion, then continue to do my own thing, which upsets her.

 

She seems to ask me about every aspect of my life, even if it is none of her business and will become upset when I will not talk to her about certain things (for example when I was living at home, I was seeing a psychologist. My mom would tell me what I needed to say the psy. before each appointment, then ask me to tell her in detail what was said at the appointment, then become upset when I wouldn't tell her. She then tried to go to the same psychologist to see if she could find out what I wasn't discussing with her). She tries to tell me what to do and when I do not do them her way she becomes upset. She is also mean to my dad and frequently tries to start fights with him.

 

My dad is retiring and they are looking for a second home near me. This has become something that I dread. My boyfriend is very frustrated as well, since my mom has started treating him the same way. After their last visit my boyfriend said that he did not move here to be put in a position that comprises his life like this. He is not happy with them and does not know what he will do if they move here and continue to be this way.

 

I have talked to my dad alone and to my mom directly about how she is so pushy and how her "opinions" sometimes upset me and my boyfriend. It usually ends up being a huge deal with everyone fighting and getting upset. Then things seem to get better just to fall back to the way they were before.

 

I feel conflicted and guilty because they have done so much for me. I'm not sure where I would be without them. However, when they are here, my anxiety gets worse and I am altogether frustrated and unhappy. It also puts a strain on my relationship with my boyfriend.

 

I am afraid that if they move here things will just fall apart again. I fear that the life I have built with my son and my boyfriend will not be mine anymore. I have been told to just not talk to them and not let them control my life this way, but it is not that easy. I want my son to have a relationship with my family. My dad is very excited to be able to be closer to him and do things with him more often. I am not sure if there is a different way to deal with this than to outright talk to them (because that does not seem to work). Does anyone have any advice or maybe have been through a similar situation?

 

Thank you so much for reading this!

[dongkong]

Yeah your mom seems to have major controll issues (like my mom). It seems like your mom wants to controll your life even when she lives in a diff state. SO i cant imagine how much more controlling she will get if she moved to your state. You know for the longest time my mom emotionally blackmailed me and still does. She always use to say things like "oh your father and i worked so hard only so you boys could have a better life" blah blah. This turned me into an emotional mess becuase i always tried to be a good son but it was never enough. The guilt trips never seemed to end and it just kept on going. But recently iv come to a cross roads with my mom, where iv decided that if shes not willing to change. I dont want her to be a part of my life then. Now sure i feel the guilt your talking about, i dont wanna cut ties with my mom. But i know that if i dont, she will continue to do what she has done all my life.

I wont tell you what you need to do. But i say you should not feel guilty. A loving parent supports their child without keeping score or wanting something in return. SO really you shouldnt feel guilty and i know its easier said than done.