I love my fiancée....but I also don't know what I want.

[LostInLove13]

I'm starting to doubt what I want for the rest of my life. I love him, but I just don't know that that is enough...I trust him too, and we have a lot in common...but still I find myself not knowing.

 

We've been together for 3 years, just got engaged in December, and I was super excited, couldn't wait to start planning the wedding, but now I'm sorta apathetic towards it. Were 20 by the way, been together since high school, and we are at colleges 3 hours apart (and have been for the majority of the relationship).

 

I've been feeling unhappy for over a month now, maybe close to 2, feel taken for granted at times as well. We rarely talk being so far away besides some texts and facebook conversations. I also miss being 20. I've never just been a young adult, and I'll go from living at home to living with him, never having been on my own. I've never gotten a chance to date, but I also don't feel like there would be a better guy out there...but can I really know for sure? I'll look at other guys sometimes, never wanting to actually touch or date or anything, just with a random curiosity.

 

I feel sometimes like I'm walking away from my dreams too. We are from a small town, and I want to move to a bigger city for my post grad education, always have planned on it. And we've talked, and there's a chance, but not knowing where he is gonna get a job after graduating next year (or if can really be guaranteed one in this economy), we can't really know for sure, but I know I'd be able to leave and chase my dreams, no questions asked; dreams, desires, and goals I've always had.

 

But I can also see coming home to him everyday too. It'd be a nice life, comfortable, but I don't feel like there'd be much excitement. We can't even remember the last time we went out besides our anniversary a couple months ago. Things have gotten kinda boring....and not just comfortable, I'd be ok with that, that should happen, but it feels like it's gone past that to lazy, like we don't even try to go out. And even when we want to, a lot of times we'll stay home anyway, unable to think of something to go do. I can ramble off a list of things to go do right now, but when it comes time I just kinda wanna him to try, I'm tired of being the one who does, or so it feels sometimes. And tired of being the one to be sacrificing and compromising more than him usually.

 

I'm just exhausted (emotionally and mentally), stressed, and don't know what to do. He's an amazing guy, and I love him, got me my dream ring, and it's hard to imagine my life without him, but I know I could also move on and be ok, which probably isn't a good thing (& we've always said we'd remain friends). I'm still attracted to him...but I'm never in the mood either...we've not slept together, but for anything else I'm just not interested. At all. There's no passion left (at least for me).

 

Any advice for sorting through my feelings and figuring it all out? I have talked to him...but I just can't seem to decide what I want, and I don't know what to do. I love him, but I've contemplated leaving too. Is it just stress from school? Cold feet? Or more?

Edited April 20, 2011 by LostInLove13

[Elicarioula]

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[Hawk9]

You two need to go on a date. I know you're three hours away...but do something, anything. Do something deliberate to spice things up because it sounds like you're in a rut. Go visit some place in between where you both are, go on a weekend trip, something, anything that pushes you past this rut. Now, if you put a valiant effort into trying new things in your relationship and going on a date (more than just dinner and a movie, hopefully), that's a different story.

 

What are you planning for grad school? Depending on the program, you might have flexibility, especially near big cities. If that's your dream, and he's okay with that, I think it'd be fair for him to look for jobs near a big city. Look exclusively in those areas where you could go to a decent grad school. Talk about a compromise like that. A big change like that could be great and get that 'boring' out of your relationship.

[LostInLove13]

Ya, we do need to go out. And I am definitely tired of being in the rut. I guess my other thing is that we talked all last summer about going and doing more things..including a weekly movie since there's a good deal once a week where we live, but we never did. We didn't do anything over Christmas either. Plus, when we normally go do things, it is dinner and/or a movie...sigh. I'll try to get him to go do something else though.

 

As far as the compromise, we have talked about that. I know I'm heading to Pittsburgh for grad school. He's also said he'll look for jobs around there. The thing is, he's gonna be a high school teacher, and we have several connections to schools in our home town...so he's more likely to get a job there. Which means it'd be more logical to live closer to our home, and have me commute on a bus, since it'd be cheaper than the other way.