day two of no contact...dont laugh!

[Martin Guerrini]

Tom.. I think you are stuck and I understand that considering it is your first cut. Look, if no contact does not work, the other alternative is to pursue her... and hurt yourself even more. Maybe that could help you to understand that you are better off without her. Sometimes people need to do that in order to be detached.

 

Tom think of yourself. Who you are - Why are you so needy - Why this emptiness. Make this pain a great opportunity to discover yourself.

[tom_gbr]

well i gave in and sent her the message...i needed to say it really..now shes knows that im thinking about her without asking her loads of questions and hastling her.

 

she sent one back saying ' happy easter x ' so thats ok

 

i know i shouldnt of texted her

 

she said she wants us to be close friends....when is this likely to happen?....at what point is she gonna ring me up and say ' hey how are you? what have you been up too? ... is that ever going to happen?....is this all going to one sided with me contacting her?

 

its been a week and 3 days since i last heard her voice....i know we are not together anymore but it just feels like shes forgotten about me all together.

 

at what point can i look back at all our memories of us two together and not feel pain?....why have relationships if they end and we cant look back at what we had together? i took her to disneyland paris for valentines day and i cant even think about that weekend with wanting to cry.

 

im just hating to think that we will completley go our seperate ways...i hate the thought of her just forgetting about me...she is still all i think about.

 

im trying to flirt with girls but im going for the ones who remind me of my ex which is really bad.

 

i really just cant understand how someones feelings can change like this...everything we had together...the holiday...christmas....the weeks we used to spend together just me and her..i just dont understand how she could want to be with someone else when i have done nothing wrong for the relationship to end....she just doesnt want a boyfriend in her life right now but shes going to be going out meeting new blokes and having flings which makes me feel sick.

 

the relationship ended on good terms.....did she mean it when she said she wanted to be close friends?...this is hurting so much as somewhere inside me i thought that if i do no contact after about a week she'll phone me saying that she wants me back and that she loves me so much.

 

i just feel like im going to lose her alltogether if i dont contact her every once in a while.

[tom_gbr]

thanks for the advice.....i just dont know what im going to do...i think i was coping with no contact as i thought it would bring her back to me...i lasted a week and couldnt take it anymore.

 

i just feel like phoning her sometime in the week and have a good talk about what we have been up too and try and have a laugh.

 

this could make her miss me even more or have no effect what so ever, but for me its going to take me right back to where i started.

 

but what then?...what then after the phone call?....what will happen?...will she ever contact me?...i feel like i can somehow get back into her life as her boyfriend if i show her that im stronger and happy and that i can make her laugh...as thats what she needs.

 

i just feel like im never going to get this under control...i know i can make her happy

[Martin Guerrini]

Tom, life is tough and your are learning it. But that's not all, life is wonderful because the end is always an introduction for a new beginning.

 

She may call you when she become aware that you are completely thru. Right now, you are a sort of burden for her. She does not know who she is. The best way to win this game (sadly) is stop playing it.

 

Paris is yesterday and yesterday is gone. You have so many tomorrows!

[tom_gbr]

the way things are at the moment she probably thinks that im slowly moving on as i hadnt tried to get in contact with her for a week which is the longest we've ever spent without contact.

 

in a way im regretting sending that text message saying ' happy easter babe x '. as im thinking of calling her this wednesday to see how she is. i know you all say that i should just leave it but i think i will find it easier if i knew she wasnt annoyed with me after the text message confusion last weekend.

 

i think thats why ive found this no contact really hard so far...as i thought she was pissed off with me and just wanted to forget me.

 

love is so complicated...on one hand im thinking we've had six amazing months together and it finished on friendly terms and its time that we both moved on...i knew in the back of my mind it wasnt going to last forever...she is 16 and who wants a long term relationship at that age?

 

but on the other i keep thinking ' hang on...why cant we still be together? ' i still love her and care for her and she did at the time of the breakup...why does she want what we have had with someone else and to be with someone else?

 

another thing that has bothered me about the break up is that im sure she has blocked me on MSN...is this her method of getting over me? ....the fact that she can see that im online and that i cant see her...a sense of power maybe?...that im there and she can speak to me if she wants to but i cant?

 

i just want to feel happy and not depressed....i keep thinking about her meeting other blokes...i know the type of blokes she has been attracted to in the past and most of them have been absolute **** heads who just want her for one thing. it makes matters worse that she says that she doesnt want a relationship so she's just going to have flings.

 

i dont know how im going to get through may....shes on her own for two weeks...two weeks that we had planned to spend together...now its going to be her having lots of parties....and i know what her and her mates house parties are like : (

[tom_gbr]

last night i think i had the most sleep that i have had in a month...it was strange when i went to bed last night...it was the first time that i really felt that me and my ex girlfriends lives are completely seperate...if that makes any sence.

 

i dont know why i had this feeling, it might be because im moving on i dont know...i still love her and miss her so much and still give anything to have her back.

 

i feel ok at the moment...i dont know if thats because im planning to give her a call wednesday to see how she is and so on...but what then after that? i cant be the one making all the contact...what if i never hear from her?...she wanted to come out of this as friends.

 

i really wish i knew what ws gojng on inside her head....i bet any guy would want to know what a girl is thinking...she sounded so happy when i last spoke to her two weeks ago...she sounded pleased that i called and we had a great chat...it was like old times. i think my problem is a read too much into certian things and certain situations...all the time ive been thinking was she happy because i had called or was it because she felt free and happy because she was single?...also why did she react to the text messages the way she did?

 

after i have spoken to her wednesday im just going to have no contact and if she wants to she can contact me...it will be the hardest thing to do...think im coping at the moment cause i know that im going to speak to her soon. i know speakin to her isnt going to bring her back to me i suppose i just miss our chats and her voice.

 

i know i should break contact all together....everyone has said thats the only way to move on....i just cant right now...with everything thats going on with her in her life i just want peace of mind by knowing shes ok. we have been through too much together to just cut her out of my life completely...how can someone that you share the most intimate moments with suddenly turn into a stranger just like that?

[shellen]

My longest no contact record was four days, and that was only because he was out of town. Hope u can beat my record hee.

 

All the best

[tom_gbr]

well im just writing down everything i want to talk about and say to her tommorow when i ring her...i feel confident i can come out of this phone call feeling better with myself and everything that has happened.

 

i want to show her that i can manage without her and that i can have a good time...but i also want to find out thats shes ok and so on....i still care 4 her loads at the end of the day.

 

im hoping that after this call i can just break contact and move on...who knows she might call me sometime

[Arabess]

Originally posted by tom_gbr

how can someone that you share the most intimate moments with suddenly turn into a stranger just like that?

 

NO SH*T Tom....that's got to be the million dollar question!!!

[Samson]

I have to say Arabess, I don't know exactly what it is, but you're always on my "frequency."

 

Its like I'm driving at night, trying to find a radio station in the middle of nowhere, pushing the "search" button, and receiving all sorts of staticy stations, until I hit KABR, (K-Arabess) that comes in clear and strong.

 

Scary

[tom_gbr]

well i tried to phone my ex this morning....she didnt pick the phone up.

 

i dont know what to think now...im really hoping theres a reason why she didnt pick the phone up, like shes in the bath or something, or that she left the phone in another room. i know she wouldnt still be in bed at 11:35am...she never lays in bed that long.....well with me she did.

 

im gettin stupid thoughts in my head now like what if she is still in bed but with shes not alone?

 

maybe she doesnt want to speak to me because she still has feelings for me? i doubt that though

 

i hope there is a good reason why she didnt answer it because she must realise that her ignoring me on purpose is going to make me feel like ****....it was her who wanted to come out of this as friends at the end of the day. i know she wouldnt lie to me as she never has.

 

maybe she justs wants to forget about me completley.....maybe she doesnt care anymore

 

i would really like to speak to her but i dont know when i should next phone as i dont wanna look to needy

[shellen]

dear tom_gbr.....i reallie feel for u. That's the thing about taking the initiative to contact your ex, u feel worse than before if u fail to contact them. Hmmm..I dunno abt your ex, but mine usu ignores when he has "issues" to deal with, then he will contact me after he feels better. I know people always say dun show that you are desperate and all that, but when I am really miserable, I dun reallie care about pride.Maybe you can use a more indirect way of communicating, like texting her or email, see if she has any respond. Maybe she has very good reasons for not picking up your call, so dun imagine the worst before u have a chance to clarify.

 

Good luck

[tom_gbr]

im just really tempted to try and phone her again today...maybe she was at work or something?...but i really thought she would of called me back or texted me when she would of noticed that she had a missed call...but if i call back today im just going to look a bit desperate and needy....what if she doesnt answer again?... i really just wanted to have a good chat with her like i did two weeks ago...i want to know how she's doing.

 

text messages are just too impersonal and you cant really know how someone is...if that makes any sense so i dont really want to text her.

 

todays a really bad day as well...as her and her mates always go out clubbing on thursday nights and they are all very attractive girls. i really want to know what shes thinking...did she not answer it because she has had enough of me and doesnt care?...or is it because she still has feelings for me and cant cope with speakin to me?

 

i dont know what to think anymore...she said she wanted us to be friends coming out of this...not it just seems like she wants to forget me

[FreeMe]

Tom,

 

I know you're hurting and all and I know how hard it is. But you're obsessed with this girl. I mean, you're not going with her anymore, you haven't seen her, and you're still trying to read her mind and figure out where she is, what she's doing, why she's doing it, what she's thinking about it and worst of all, how it has to do with you. Nothing she's doing has anything to do with you. She's got to live her life. She's 16 for crying out loud. She wants to have fun and be carefree and she should be.

 

I'm not unsympathetic. I've been obsessed like you are before. But all it did in the end was make me need medication to get past the constant anxiety, lack of sleep, severe weight loss, heart palpitations, adrenalin rushes, etc., etc. And I also did some other very self-destructive things as well. You've got to pull yourself together and STOP thinking about her. If you keep calling her and bothering her you're going to really put her off.

[tom_gbr]

i wouldnt say that im obsessed i just love her as much as when we still together....i just really didnt think that the contact between us would end up like this...for the first two weeks of the break up we were still texting and chatting a lot...then i went for a whole week without contact...and then i tried to phone and she didnt answer or call me back...i just didnt think this would happen.

 

ive just got this really horrible feeling that im never going to hear from her again....i really want to look back at everything we have done together..all the fantastic times and i want to feel good about it all...right now i just think she hates me...i just got look back at what we have done together knowing this.

 

shes my first love....yes i know shes 16 and she should be carefree and single.....but i dont see there should be a any reason why it has to end like this...its making me feel worse

[FreeMe]

I'm sure she doesn't hate you at all. You have no reason not to look back and feel good about what you had with her. And you have every reason to feel good about yourself. She explained why she felt that she had to end it and it wasn't anything personal about you. The fact that she did maintain contact proves that. Right now though, she is probably getting to the point where she sees that you are reading too much into the things she says and texts to you and that it's only hurting you.

 

What do you think you can do to start taking your mind off her? 'Cause you know it's not healthy to keep wondering what she's thinking and doing all the time. Do you have hobbies? school? do you read? like watching movies?

[FreeMe]

I just reread your last post and wanted to add something. I don't think it ended in a bad way. Ending a relationship is never easy, but from what you've said it doesn't sound like it ended in any kind of ugliness. You have had some pleasant contact with her. I think you're the one who's going to push it into an ending that has to be bad. In other words, if you don't move on and stop communicating with her, you're going to force her to get rude to get you to stop contacting her. That's why I'm saying you have to try to stop thinking about her. You're only going to make it even worse for yourself if you keep trying to contact her to "feel good" about the ending. It's never going to be enough.

[tom_gbr]

yeah i suppose in thought that we would still be contacting one another all the time and have this amazing connection still but ive always lived in a dream world.

 

your right about her texting me..when she said she was missing me i read into the message way to much and basically told her that it had made me much worse so im actually not that suprised that she isnt texting me.

 

i suppose it just really hurt when she didnt answer her mobile....it had been over a week and a bit since i last had any contact apart from the happy easter text message....i thought she would of been happy to speak to me like the other time that i phoned her....but that was before the 'missing you' text message. my reply really hurt her feelings so im guessing she is not ready to speak to me.

 

i suppose im feeling really hurt because the relationship ended cleanly and i havent heard from her at all recenty..thats why im like this

 

one thing i know coming out of this relationship which makes me feel good is that i know that no one can love her and treat her much and as well as i did....i did everything for her.

 

hobbies wise im lifting weights everyday....i heard that its a good idea as it makes u feel better about yourself..and if u bump into your ex it just shows that you have changed and you are looking better than ever.

 

which will happen as we are going to the same place on holiday this year and at the same time.

 

im trying to get all my uni work done but my mind is all over the place at the moment so its quite hard.....ive nearly managed to get a job in a bar as well so a new change of scene will do me good.

[She's Come Undone]

Hear, hear, that is the God's-honest truth, FreeMe. My ex-boyfriend and I tried to casually talk, but eventually I had to cut him out of my life because I could see that he was getting "ideas" in his head of us making it work. Keep in mind we're around 30, so it happens at any age. Although I think he also realized that it wasn't good for him to be just friends. The sooner you realize that it's going to hurt you more than help you to contact her, the sooner you can start healing and slowly getting the "we" aspect of her out of your life. Yes love hurts, but just like a job rejection, the more you have, the better you get at interviews, the better chance of landing your dream job. OMG, did I just compare relationships to WORK?!?!?

[FreeMe]

She's Come Undone --- I know it can happen at any age - I'm closer to 40 and it still happens!!

 

Tom --- So since she knows it's harder for you, it makes sense that she's trying to minimize the contact. But it's very obvious that it's not because she doesn't care about you. She obviously does. Try not to make it personal. If it was 5 years from now, it might have worked out, but circumstances are just not on your side right now.

 

It's great that you're lifting weights and wanting to feel good. I'm not suggesting you can just feel all better immediately either, but every positive thing you do for yourself will help. Try not to make it worse by beating yourself up, or fantasizing about her being with other people. That will get you nowhere and it's probably not true. Just because she's going to clubs does not mean she's indiscriminately kissing other guys. Please don't torture yourself with those thoughts. Just because she is the one who took the initiative to end it doesn't mean that she's not also going through a grieving process for you.

[tom_gbr]

i thought about that a lot....if she was older we would probably still be together...but i cant keep thinking that.

 

i know i really should stop thinking about her and other guys but i really cant help it....at the end of the day she is young and single....and has been single for over a month...it makes it harder that i know her exact weekly rountine so i always know what shes up too....and that the two weeks in may that i was going to be spending with her in her empty house isnt going to happen and for all i know she might be spending it with someone else...i dont know how im going to get through those two weeks....knowing she has a house free to herself and she can do whatever she wants...i know shes going to be having house parties.

 

ive just gotta keep saying to myself that i can meet someone new who with love me more and be just as goodlooking and funny as her

[FreeMe]

Originally posted by tom_gbr

i know i really should stop thinking about her and other guys but i really cant help it.

 

 

You CAN help it. You control your thoughts. If they're controlling you then you ARE obsessed. Every time you start thinking those thoughts you need to push them out of your mind and think about something else.

 

Also, she's not ready for a relationship with you - or anyone else. She doesn't sound like a tramp - I think you're being unfair to her by assuming she's messing around with other guys when she's fresh out of a relationship with you.

[tom_gbr]

i am trying but its really hard when that person was your whole life....im starting to think about her less...i know im getting better.

 

your right i am being a bit unfair on her by saying that shes going to get with someone else so soon....i always read into situations too much and i always expect the worse...thats something i have to work on.

 

im about to do my excercise and go for a run so i should feel better after that as i always seem too....me and my bro just bought some films to watch tonight to keep my mind of her....films that she hates which i think is a good idea.

 

thanks for your help man...ive PMed you with my email.....so if u have MSN u can add me

[FreeMe]

Thanks-

 

I am glad to hear you're doing better. I know it's difficult. I was literally, physically ill last time I had a breakup and I remember how much better I felt when I could get through an hour, then a day, then a week, without thinking about him. I still respond to relationship problems with physical symptoms too - such as being unable to eat. I'm in a relationship now where there has been some turmoil and a lot of doubts about it working out and I have to remind myself constantly of my own advice! There will be times when you will have to walk away and get a change of scenery to refocus, or pick up a book or magazine, or put the TV on and let that numb your mind. Whatever it takes as long as it's not something unhealthy or self-destructive, like drinking.

 

Have a good time tonight!

[tom_gbr]

the hardest night of the week is about to be over soon as tonight is the night the ex girlfriend goes out clubbing...i hate thursdays...feeling ok today after going out last night as i got the attention from quite a few goodlooking girls and my confidence seems to be getting better...had a dance with one and talked a while with some others...its making me realise that i can meet someone else.

 

im feeling good also as im going to be starting a new job soon.....going to be working in a bar so that should keep my busy.

 

trying to think about the ex less tonight but its not really working...at the end of the day i do miss her.

 

just really need to sort out my money situation now as i am in a lot of dept...got my student loan through soon so thats ok

 

i think im going to go and see a counsilor as i still have some things that i would like to discuss with someone...im hoping it will help.