I'm kind of at a crossroads here...

[Lauriebell82]

I posted about this in the infidelity thread, but I don't know what to do about my cheating friend. She is married to alcoholic, her emotional affair with a 20 year old guy (she is 28) has turned physical. They haven't had sex yet (so she says) but has told me she has fallen in love.

 

The biggest problem is that I am the only one she has told about this. She doesn't have anyone else to talk to about it, and she is my best friend so she leans on me. Problem is that I DEPLORE cheating and it hurts me everytime she talks about it. I want to be supportiver (in a non condoning type of way) but I also feel like she is doing such a horrible thing and it hurts me that she is.

 

What should I do? If anyone has cheated on, have you put your friends in this situation?

[laRubiaBonita]

IMO- if you cheat normally you do want anyone to know; no matter who.

 

maybe you ask her what she really wants. what she really really wants and will feel good about forever.

[Lauriebell82]

IMO- if you cheat normally you do want anyone to know; no matter who.

 

maybe you ask her what she really wants. what she really really wants and will feel good about forever.

 

Do you mean "don't?"

 

Anyway I'm her best friend so that's why she told me, she is very paranoid I will tell her husband but I wouldn't do that. I encouraged HER to tell him though before he finds out on his own. That will eventually happen and the fallout will be NASTY. Someone could seriously get killed and at least seriously injured.

[laRubiaBonita]

Do you mean "don't?"

yeah Don't!

 

Anyway I'm her best friend so that's why she told me, she is very paranoid I will tell her husband but I wouldn't do that. I encouraged HER to tell him though before he finds out on his own. That will eventually happen and the fallout will be NASTY. Someone could seriously get killed and at least seriously injured.

maybe she is sabotaging her marriage...... it seems like a way to get out of it. still proves what i said, if you really do not want to lose your partner you do not tell ANYONE you are cheating.

[hoping2heal]

I agree with LaRubia,

 

If you really do not want anyone to know, you do not tell someone that you fear will tell your H about it. I think even if it is only subconciously recognized at this point, she would rather be exposed by someone than have to tell her husband.

 

As for your first question, I have been in this boat. Eventually, I decided to end the friendship. I wanted to be supportive to my friend but I too am very against cheating, once I found a way to "stomach" that (which I rationalized that she didn't know he was married because he lied to her about it), the thing I had the biggest difficulty with was how poorly she was being treated and how adament to be blinded by it she was. I started to lose respect for her and feel just buckets of pity instead, and that is why I decided to end the friendship. I didn't want that to happen - I really didn't and I struggled for months to "find a way around it" but eventually I decided if I am going to be someone's friend and feel the way I do, I am doing a dis-service to us both.

 

I'm certainly not saying or suggesting you take the same action I did, just letting you know what came about in the end.

[xxoo]

Have you told her this?

Problem is that I DEPLORE cheating and it hurts me everytime she talks about it.

 

I tell her that, and add "and that is why I can no longer discuss your relationship with [other man] with you." And then enforce it, changing the subject, or ending conversations as needed.

 

Just as she isn't entitled to cheat, she isn't entitled to your audience about her cheating. If she needs to confide and talk it through, kindly offer to help her find a therapist. Make that your standard response when she brings it up, and then change the subject.

[whichwayisup]

Ask her how this is helping her in the long run... She's unhappy now, in the marriage and turning to someone else is not going to fix things, it's just putting a fake bandaid on the issues, hiding them for a while so she doesn't have to face her H, deal with him and his drinking. She doesn't realize that it's going to make things worse for herself later.

 

Suggest she seek some counselling and also slow things down with the young one so she can figure out what to do with her husband.

[WorldIsYours]

Or you could politely distance youself from her dangerous, immature actions.

[Snowflower]

Have you told her this?

 

 

I tell her that, and add "and that is why I can no longer discuss your relationship with [other man] with you." And then enforce it, changing the subject, or ending conversations as needed.

 

Just as she isn't entitled to cheat, she isn't entitled to your audience about her cheating. If she needs to confide and talk it through, kindly offer to help her find a therapist. Make that your standard response when she brings it up, and then change the subject.

 

This is good advice^^^

 

If I were you, I would also be concerned about the toxicity of this situation seeping into your life/marriage. Maybe that seems weird. But it's kind of like hanging around friends who do drugs...not that you would necessarily do that (drugs or cheating) but it just brings in something negative to your own life.

 

Also, be prepared for when her affair ends--either by the OM's choice, her husband gets suspicious, or even if she ends it herself, you will hear all about it...endlessly.

 

Are you prepared to deal with that?

[Lauriebell82]

Thanks for all the responses. I have told her that I deplore cheating, she has offered not to talk to me about it, while I don't want to hear it, I feel bad/guilty that I wouldn't be "there for her" through this. So it's like I don't want to write her off, you know?

 

I agree the fallout is going to be nasty, and again I am not going to know how to be supportive because I feel she will have brought the entire mess on herself.

 

She knows what she is doing is wrong, she admits it and agrees with me that she is not being fair to her hsuband. But unfortunately she will not change her behavior or get out of the affair and I feel like I can't stop her even though I want to! I tried talking to her from a therapist's perspective and pretend she was a client, I was able to do it but didn't feel any better about it because she is not a client she is my best friend. Ugh!!!

[threebyfate]

Lb, I'm going to second wwiu's advice. You're too emotionally involved since she's your friend. Strongly encourage her to get some therapy so she's not coming to you to help her unload.

 

When this hits the fan (not if), you don't want to get caught in the crossfire.

[laRubiaBonita]

If I were you, I would also be concerned about the toxicity of this situation seeping into your life/marriage. Maybe that seems weird. But it's kind of like hanging around friends who do drugs...not that you would necessarily do that (drugs or cheating) but it just brings in something negative to your own life.

i think this is quite true....

..... because she is not a client she is my best friend. Ugh!!!

ok, lets break it down: she is your friend. is this behavior normal for your friend?

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for all the responses. I have told her that I deplore cheating, she has offered not to talk to me about it, while I don't want to hear it, I feel bad/guilty that I wouldn't be "there for her" through this. So it's like I don't want to write her off, you know?

 

I agree the fallout is going to be nasty, and again I am not going to know how to be supportive because I feel she will have brought the entire mess on herself.

 

She knows what she is doing is wrong, she admits it and agrees with me that she is not being fair to her hsuband. But unfortunately she will not change her behavior or get out of the affair and I feel like I can't stop her even though I want to! I tried talking to her from a therapist's perspective and pretend she was a client, I was able to do it but didn't feel any better about it because she is not a client she is my best friend. Ugh!!!

 

All you can do is be there for her when things go bad. You don't have to support her affair, or be part of it in any way...But you can be a friend to help her pick up the pieces when this all blows up. And it will, eventually.

[Kristi can't sleep]

I was in the same boat maybe 14 years ago. My best friend didnt just cheat with one man though, she cheated reapeatedly with every guy that was half decent looking, incuding her BROTHER-IN-LAW.

 

It was horrible to hear about, but we stayed friends - i'd known her since we were kids and at the time the idea of cutting off the friendship never even occured to me and i probably wouldnt have even if it did. It would've seemed like disowning a sister. You may not like what they're doing, but your stuck with them.

 

Then i met the man i'm now married to, and it was a no-brainer. There was no way on earth i was going to jeapordize what was turning into a serious relationship over her cheating - and it would have. I talked to her first, of course - asking NOT to be brought into it anymore, but it continued. You end up being put in a LOT of awkward positions.

 

As i started spending more time with my husband, she eventually started asking BOTH OF US to lie for her if anything came up - and that was the last straw.

 

I am ashamed just typing that. Sadly, it took her putting MY *ss on the line for me to understand the simple truth of the matter: if she could lie and betray her husband, did i really think she wouldnt do the same to me? Looking back, if she had the chance, she probably would've gone after MY husband... At least I think so. I had justified her actions somewhat because i didnt KNOW her husband and she gave me the impression that they were fairly "open" sexually which I chose to believe - if they were open, why did she need a cover?

 

Anyway, if you dont distance yourself, it could possibly come back to bite you, but its also possible she needs you now more than ever - why would she tell you if she didnt value your opinion? ...so I can totally sympathize with staying freinds with her. AND cheating is NOT black and white... I'm not saying it's EVER the right thing to do, but sometimes, well it's not as wrong if you know what I mean. You said her husband is an alcoholic and the affair started as an emotional one - how bad is her marriage? Do you know why she's chosen to stay with her husband? Love, $$?

 

My husband has become extremely distant and its a terrible, lonely way to live. I now know what "starved for affection" means, lol. If she has something like that going on, maybe you could help her sort things out. Everyone makes mistakes - could she feel she's trapped? I know i do. I havent cheated and wont, but it certainly makes a person more susceptible to temptation. He has a friend that likes me, and I cant even be around him anymore for that very reason. There are serious problems in my marriage, BUT he completely trusts me in that area and I just couldn't do that to him.

 

Also - there is an ENORMOUS DIFFERENCE between a 28 yr-old woman & a 20yr-old BOY... that also sounds like she's in some sort of crisis. I mean, HOW could you have an emotional affair with a kid? How many of her feelings could a young guy "understand"? From the kid's perspective, he probably sees the relationship purely in terms of sex, and any listening he does is just something to earn access to more.

 

Good luck to you, & hope you can salvage the friendship without having to stay in the position she's placed you

[Lauriebell82]

You said her husband is an alcoholic and the affair started as an emotional one - how bad is her marriage? Do you know why she's chosen to stay with her husband? Love, $$?

 

Also - there is an ENORMOUS DIFFERENCE between a 28 yr-old woman & a 20yr-old BOY... that also sounds like she's in some sort of crisis. I mean, HOW could you have an emotional affair with a kid? How many of her feelings could a young guy "understand"? From the kid's perspective, he probably sees the relationship purely in terms of sex, and any listening he does is just something to earn access to more.

 

She jokes that she is having a "late 20's crisis." (instead of mid life) She said they have names for each other, like he calls her "woman" and she calls him "boy." It's like a game or something to them. She is staying with her husband right now because she doesn't have money to move out unless she can find a roommate. She is actually waiting to hear back from her old roommate about moving to another state and moving in wit her. She basically is already planning to leave her husband, she doesn't want to leave this boy though.

 

It's also weird that her husband has been sending her really sweet and loving text messages and saying nice things to her that he didn't say before. So she think that he may know something is up and he is trying to keep her from leaving or something.

[Lauriebell82]

ok, lets break it down: she is your friend. is this behavior normal for your friend?

 

She has cheated on other boyfriends which has been bad, but it's always been like a one time thing (not that that makes it right by any means) never an ongoing affair like she is having now. She has relationship addiction, she is extremely codepent, usually goes from one boyfriend to another. She actually met her husband and made out with him when she was still with her ex boyfriend. She broke up with the ex in order to start dating her now husband

 

So in other words, I would say that she has displayed in the past, but it has escalated to another level this time.

[threebyfate]

She has cheated on other boyfriends which has been bad, but it's always been like a one time thing (not that that makes it right by any means) never an ongoing affair like she is having now. She has relationship addiction, she is extremely codepent, usually goes from one boyfriend to another. She actually met her husband and made out with him when she was still with her ex boyfriend. She broke up with the ex in order to start dating her now husband

 

So in other words, I would say that she has displayed in the past, but it has escalated to another level this time.

Not another level, she's just continuing her historical pattern of branch swinging.

 

Sounds like an exit affair on her part, one that's going to get ugly soon.

[2sunny]

this doesn't look like a friend - at least not in my world.

 

friends usually have the same basic core moral compass... of which seems out of alignment with what you say about yourself.

 

this should impart some reflection from you. is this what you want to have around you as a representation or reflection of what you are about?

 

if not, let her know that you cannot be friends any longer.

 

when my husband cheated - it was obvious who my friends were. the ones who had no moral compass or values stayed friends with him. the ones who had boundaries, expectations of decency and honor stayed friends with me. like energy attracts that energy... see?

 

what are you willing to attract? sometimes we must let go of the things dragging us down in order to grow and understand where we are going...

[Breezy Trousers]

I'm in this situation right now.

 

I was tempted with an affair three years ago when a MM higher-up came onto me. My best friend, incredulously, went through the same experience at her workplace at the same time. We made different choices, though. She jumped in with both feet. I pulled back and ran in the opposite direction.

 

My friend is still in the on-again/off-again affair, even though she left for a different workplace to try to get away from her affair partner.

 

My friend knows I don't judge her, so she talks. I do share everything I've learned about narcissism, affairs, abuse, etc. because I see her situation as being a dead end. She's listens to me but makes her own choices in the end.

 

I'm the only person she discusses this with now. Everyone else is tired of it and has told her never to discuss the affair with them again. She's not offended. She knows it's an appropriate request, and she honors it.

 

I had been with my husband for 22 years and never felt tempted to have an affair until the 19th year, when the MM approached me. Had I never been tempted, I do think I would have judged my friend. So the mutual timing of experiences is ironic. While I don't agree with her choices, I also can't judge her. Not anymore.

[Lauriebell82]

So if the affair isn't bad enough, my friend tells me that she smokes pot occasionally (I'm an addictions counselor). Yikes. I want to stay friends with her, we have been friends for a long time. She lives in CA so thankfully I don't have to be around her when she is doing these self destructive behaviors. I have basically told her not to talk to me about the drugs or affair, but that if things start to go bad or her husband finds out about her affair then I will try to be there for her when things hit the fan. I guess that's all I can do at this point.