My abusive childhood - or was I in fact the monster?

[WellLetsSee]

Every journey starts with a first step. I think WLS has been very brave to open up as much as she has by starting this thread, and is very self-aware. If you face the choice of being right or being happy, which will you choose?

 

Much too brave though, much too brave. Im shocked as what I have done to myself. How could I ever think I could be strong enough to do this and not be devastated by comments like Taras? Will I ever learn? It has been a long while since something triggered me this badly. I am still shaking and it has been two hours since I have read Taras post. I am a little bit more stable now though - I will be alright I think. The thread (and once I can start thinking clearly again most probably I will realize that by now the forum, too) is much too dangerous for me - Im gone.

[betterdeal]

I'm sorry to hear that. You can take this as a growth point in your life, and use us as a safe tool to experience different feelings and triggers, and experiment with different ways to think about and respond to what we say. We are all, after all, pretty much anonymous and the ability to take our time to respond gives us the space to try out different thoughts and decide on different ways to react. We also have the privilege of being able to feel whatever we feel in private. This is partly how I have used this resource. But, of course, it's your choice, and withdrawing is an entirely valid tactic. I'd like to stay in touch with you as I find you interesting, but your decision is yours to make.

 

Take care.

Edited April 21, 2011 by betterdeal

[WellLetsSee]

Am well this is nice to read. Same here too - there are not too many, but quite some people in this forum that I would have loved to get to know. But I went about it all wrong. I did not listen to my instincts, my need for safety. And right now I am only short of suicidal - it really hit me very badly. I wish I had this ability that you were describing to ignore or shut-out people that are not good for me, but this is actually my major issue (as I was trying to explain about my mum) - this stuff enters me completely unfiltered. There are really no inner walls that can protect me. NO PROTECTION. The pain is extreme.

[betterdeal]

It's a bumpy road, but it's the right path to take. Think about this: you were upset by things we have said, and you were going to go away. That's one tactic, and it can be the right one for you at any particular time. It's something you've learnt to protect your inner self.

 

But you have come back, and you are still engaging, which shows even more bravery, and you're determination to find your self, improve your life, be happier. So you're progressing, you're succeeding, at what you choose to do.

 

Rather than having walls, boundaries are more useful. Knowing what is yours and what is mine is better than a wall that may be in my space, or in your space, but immoveable. We can be flexible with boundaries, and as we learn ways to honour them, we become more self-confident.

 

Have you read anything about assertiveness techniques? And do you love yourself?

[Eve]

WLS, I hope you are in a better place today and have a means to find someone to talk to in the real world. The 's' word is way too big a concept for here.. but understand that many will have been where you are right now and have come through it.

 

I can be a bit thick sometimes, so forgive me if I did not understand your aim here. I was quite excited by the prospect of just reading from someone and them getting feedback but without any indiosyncracies attached. You see, I am a bugger for using my life as a reflection because I tend to live very much in the moment and thought it would be good to supress this aspect of myself and just listen to another. If this was your aim.. I hope you do come back. I am getting sick of hearing false presuppositions braced as 'truth'. Those are the ones who need to STFU in my opinion.

 

.. Anyhow, I can do this (suppressing idiosyncracy thing) because I work with people in day to day life and understand the importance of such an approach.

 

However, there will be people on here who have very definite ideas, or even maybe, have been where you are and so will want to push you away because of feelings evoked within themselves.

 

All in all this place can be a good resource, even if only to read from others and try out different communication styles. No one can actually harm you here. Anyhow, once you get to 100 posts you get to block people, which can greatly improve time spent here. Plus you can send PMs.

 

So, carry on if you wish but please ensure you have support in the real world. The most you can hope from here are a few 'eureka' moments and some good belly laughs every now and then. Then again, no, that's not entirely true. There have been some good friendships made here too.

 

Theres no rush. The sense of transparency that you feel does not have to be a permenant thing sweetheart.

 

On step at a time.

 

If you decide to not return, know that I have sent out lots of positive vibes especially for you, in my own way.

 

Chin up,

Be good to yourself,

Take care,

Eve x

Edited April 22, 2011 by Eve

[Eve]

Oh yeah, also, there is a journal facility here too which may be most helpful for you right now.

 

Sorry, I don't know how to use it but others do and can explain if you get stuck. Not sure if you have to be a supporting member to use it though..

 

Anyhow, I would read your Journal. **** yeah.. As I said before, I sense that you are pretty self aware - this is someting I admire in others. Plus I will admit to feeling a little bit mumsy-fied over you... even though I have no idea how old you are, lol.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Kamille]

To use the journal, one must become a supporting member. It is something to consider, as the membership is on the cheap side, and WLS would then get access to private messages. You will get them pretty soon anyway WLS, as they usually show up after one month and 60-80 posts (if memory serves right).

 

Something struck a cord with me in the dog incident you described. First, because, like many kids, I also, to this day, regret some of the games I played with a cat we had. With the love and forgiveness I now have for the child I was, I can see I was reacting to how confused and helpless I felt, both in class and at home. Sometimes, the games I played were the only way I felt I had control over any of the relationship in my life. The cat still hung out with me, so it can't have been that bad, but I do know the feeling of power you describe.

 

Your mom's reaction to the incident is reminiscent of how my mom would discipline me. For some reason, she had a propensity to label me when she was disciplining me. It wasn't only my actions that were wrong, it was my whole being. Those labels were always negative and made me feel inadequate and disempowered. It made me hate myself. Why was I so messed up? Why was I so different than other kids my age? Why was there always something fundamentally wrong with me? My older sister soon started the same game of labeling me at every turn. It made me feel like everyone but me knew how the social world worked. Everyone but me could define me.

 

My mom wasn't a psychologists, so it's probably been easier for me, as an adult, to deconstruct the labels I was given as a kid. In therapy, I've also revisited some of the incidents that hurt the most, and was encouraged to view the incident from a loving, self-caring perspective. Developing this ability to love, understand and forgive the confused child I was has been fundamental in helping me deal with my childhood.

 

I'm not saying I can relate to you nor do I want to threadjack. I just wanted to share with you how my experience with labeling has made me feel.

Edited April 22, 2011 by Kamille