Friends/Lovers and homegirls stepping over boundaries

[Babs2011]

I've never posted anything like this on a webpage but I hope it will give me some ideas about a situation that involves me, my home girl and my friend/lover. Its a bit long but I want to post the facts and give all sides as best as I can.

 

I've been friends with my home girl K for over a year, things seem cool and we had great times together. My friend is about 7 years older than me, she's about 34 but she lives like she’s 21.

 

I had a friend from Germany whose brother J came to Washington four months ago from Miami to complete school. I was told J was single but really he just left a four year relationship and was still in contact. He said to me "whose arms is she in right now?" I said I don't know so that was dropped.

 

I was attracted to him and vice versa. It had been in almost a year since I left my previous 7 yearlong negative relationship with my ex who I have no contact with at all.

 

I felt like J was a fresh of breath air and I was still a bit insecure. All of my friends said I should sew some wild oats and just have casual sex even though it really wasn't something I was experienced at the time. I'm a bit traditional. I'm young but I'm more mature for my age and I find it hard to have sex without becoming emotionally attached on some level.

 

It was about a month later J said he didn't want to hurt my feelings because he could see me becoming attached, I could see he was becoming attached as well because we both cried a bit. We broke it off but it wasn't long before we hooked up again and each time it was better and better. Then we started bickering like a married couple and later he would purposely flirt with my home girl K in front of me.

 

I know he would get jealous when he heard about other guys that had interest in me or if I seemed to have dressed more sexy.

I would dress/wear makeup everyday for my benefit as usual and J would say "are you getting ready for your man?" Then he would assume I was involved with his brother. His younger brother was a close friend before I met J and we only shared an intellectual interest in lifes or nature.

 

I had a hard month in February and I will admit sometimes I would say mean things to J without thinking. I would apologize and explain afterwards how I was working on my frustation/anger. It related to my past relationship. There were multiple stresses at home and school. The last week of February he wanted to hook up with me and started to acting like a partner by kissing, cuddling or just flirting. I didn't hook up with him the last weekend because it was the anniversary of my best friend’s death. He was upset he couldn't be with me but I don't think he understood how I felt at the time.

 

My home girl K is good at finding men, flirting, hooking up with anyone in a way she's like a man whose just looking for a piece of ass. She always ends up with a boyfriend after her casual encounters. I wasn't going to judge her for the choice of lifestyle but then something changed our relationship as friends.

 

The following week after I turned down J he wouldn't reply to my text messages. When I was with my home girl K and she would text J he would answer immediately. K was thinking out loud and mentions how she spent some money. K was tracing the people/money spent with different people during that week and J's name came up. Normally we all hung out as a group but it was just the two of them the week he wouldn't answer my text messages.

 

The first night J and I hooked up is was made a point we were "friends with benefits". We both agreed while we were involved sexually with each other that it would strictly be sex but no emotion. I made it clear that if J wanted to see other women then I would discontinue because he was intitled to living his life as was I. I just asked if he was interested in another girl then I would stop the relations. The other rule was not to sleep with any girls that are my friends.

 

 

Mid-March we all went to K's place for a party, J his brother A and me ended up spending the night at K's. K was messing with the brother A and I was clearly involved with J that was a fact. J wasn't acting like himself and was giving me the cold shoulder the rest of the night. K slept on the couch and later J joined her on the couch. They seemed more comfortable and I knew they had some sort of sexual relations without my knowledge. I wouldn't have cared if it was a stranger but it was my friend. Its code!!

 

I was angry the next day and everyone knew I was upset but I refused to say anything because of my anger. We all went to school and a few hours later J and K came to my open lab. They wanted to treat me to lunch and buy cigarettes for me. I went along with it, I later talked to them separately. I asked J if he had slept with anyone else because I felt attached and I knew the Friends/benefits wasn't for me. He said one other girl tried to have sex with him but he said no. He wanted to continue relations.

 

The last week of March I got a text from J looking for a nice time, we had great chemistry and I wanted it to so I went to his house. He had movies playing with the fire place and we were the only ones in the dorms. We started out great but he was having issues. We laid down together and he said his famous line "are you catchin feelins" I sighed then lied by saying "no are you?" The moment you look into someone's eyes and you can see they are hurting and want to say something but their lips never move. We both had this moment and it was more intense then anything before. I rubbed his back which put to sleep, he wanted to take a nap then have me wake him up later.

 

I was thinking about him and my home girl K. I probably should have not done what I did which was I looked on his phone. He was texting another girl who wouldn't come over, she felt like it wasn't her place or something. He also texted K saying "any unexpected visitors?" It didn't make much sense I think because I was upset and his phone was older. I wrote him a note saying to go f*ck other b**tchs and better yet my friends, I said I hated him and left him sleeping with the note in my place. I stopped talking to him and my home girl K because I wasn't sure what was truth or lies.

 

J's brother A left back home to Germany around the same time we had a falling out. I talked to my home girl K and she insisted that she didn't sleep with him. I do know that night she was a bit uncomfortable and later got off the couch. Trust was always an issue for me personally. This was our first real problem and I wanted to give her one more chance, benefit of the doubt.

 

I had not talked to J for almost 4 weeks until yesterday, he saw me driving down the road and I saw him on the sidewalk going home. When I went back to his house he was a wreck. He didn't want to leave his house; he stopped taking care of his looks and didn't have his lively spark. I know it mostly was because his brother A left and he also had a hard time looking me in the eyes. He was okay with communicating with k but it was brief and wouldn't reply to any messages from me. K said that J told her that he was angry and felt disrespected, I don't know if that is true since it came from her and not him.

 

I was at my home girl K's house yesterday. The whole sex talk and my sex life came up in conversation. I said I would no longer do the friends with benefits and would rather have a committed relationship. I don't expect marriage but all I want is trust and consistantly.

 

K is in a relationship now and kept insisting that she never had sex with him. I said J was really good in bed and we had awesome chemistry that worked, she made a commented by saying "he's really not that good in bed" I said to her "how do you know?" She mumbled then insisted it was his age, he's 22 I'm 26. I heard the comment but it took a bit of time to register after a long day at school. I’m a Virgo and I needed time to think and plan my words before I speak.

 

The dilemma is now what should I do? Drop both of them even though one seemed remorseful while the other was in denial. I don't want to make excuses for them and I know my caring/giving nature is easily taken advantage of which I am working to improve my changing my behavior. But I hate the fact that I have feelings and care about them both.

 

I think I should confront them and speak what's on my mind and in my heart. I feel like if I can't say what I really feel then there won't be closure. I have so much confusing and mixed feelings for J I am just lost for words. All I want is the truth and not the lies but it may be too far out of grasp at this point.

 

What should I say or do about the home girl K ? Should I confront her about it alone or with J present? She had always been a great friend and loving but this is painful and our first confrontation.

I'm not going to pursue J any longer except to confront him about K and that night. I hate to see him hurting even though he did me wrong. I know people who are suffering causing suffering to others. I think he developed feelings and tried to detach or uproot my feelings I'm not sure... He reads me and I can read him which is like no else. I feel stupid and gullible.

 

Thanks for reading such a long dilemma and give honest feedback. I am trying to be logical and factual but I do have a heart that is tearing apart.

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Edited April 20, 2011 by Babs2011