Family Problems, What do I do

[mayflwr4]

I am a 17 year old girl, and I'm having a lot of family problems lately.. I don't know if I will be able to fix these. So the biggest is with my brother and his wife, he doesn't like going out, he is not social, they don't spend time together and his wife doesn't know what to do anymore. We both know he needs a therapist, but as she was telling me all their problems she said she was ready to give up, and doesn't know if she'll leave. I don't want her to leave my brother alone, I worry about him so much. Then, his wife and my mother do not get along very much, my mom blames her for many things and my mom is very nervous.. gets very angry and so my sister in law is annoyed with her and has had about enough, but they're going to talk about my brother anyway. My mother is an alcoholic, and I don't want to talk to her about things because I feel it might trigger it again.. she's been sober for a long time ( I think 2 years) and I want to keep it that way, then my father only comes home on the weekend because of his work so I hardly see him.. but I love him so much. I don't know what to do about my brother, he has issues from his childhood and I'd like him to see a therapist, I don't want my sister in law to leave us and my family because my family is all I have. I don't know how I can fix this.. and everyone always tells ME things, my mom dad sister in law.. everyone comes to tell me. I want to fix this but I don't know how.. and I don't know how I'll ever live my own life when I have all of this to worry about it is just too much for me.. I just want us to be happy. What should I do?

[TaraMaiden]

I am a 17 year old girl, and I'm having a lot of family problems lately.. I don't know if I will be able to fix these.

You cannot fix the problems of other people. neither are you required or expected to. Have they asked you to?

 

So the biggest is with my brother and his wife, he doesn't like going out, he is not social, they don't spend time together and his wife doesn't know what to do anymore.

 

Not your problem.

 

We both know he needs a therapist, but as she was telling me all their problems she said she was ready to give up, and doesn't know if she'll leave.

This is for them to work on together, if they both want to. This isn't anything you should be dealing with.

 

I don't want her to leave my brother alone, I worry about him so much.

It's good that you care, but the fixing muxst come from him. And he has to see it needs doing, and more importantly - do something about it himself - for himself.

 

Then, his wife and my mother do not get along very much, my mom blames her for many things and my mom is very nervous.. gets very angry and so my sister in law is annoyed with her and has had about enough, but they're going to talk about my brother anyway.

Their choice. if they have a dysfunctional relationship, then they should get family therapy. This isn't any of your concern.

Truly. You are way too young to be dealing with this, and it's not something you should even feel you have to do.

 

My mother is an alcoholic, and I don't want to talk to her about things because I feel it might trigger it again.. she's been sober for a long time ( I think 2 years) and I want to keep it that way,

 

Whatever triggers her having a drink isn't your fault, it's hers.

If she chooses to deal with things by crawling into a bottle, that's her choice, and while I admire your caution, she's an adult grown woman, and responsible for herself, in law. Whereas you are still a minor, and can take no responsibility for her choices.

 

then my father only comes home on the weekend because of his work so I hardly see him.. but I love him so much.

 

That's good....

 

I don't know what to do about my brother, he has issues from his childhood and I'd like him to see a therapist, I don't want my sister in law to leave us

You can do nothing about your brother. he's an adult, making his own choices also. If he got married, and has a wife, then their issues are not your issues. Express your concern, but you do not have to form part of the triangle.

Remember: no good deed goes unpunished. You have no right to meddle, and they have no right to rely on you to provide support.

This isn't up to you.

 

and my family because my family is all I have. I don't know how I can fix this.. and everyone always tells ME things, my mom dad sister in law.. everyone comes to tell me. I want to fix this but I don't know how..

The best thing you could do, when they come to you, is to say,

 

"Gee, you really have a problem, don't you? I'm really sorry about it, but don't tell me, because I can't fix this. You should consider counselling, with a professional, because I'm getting tired of being burdened with all of thhis. What do you all expect me to do?? you're all grown-ups, and you've all made your choices. I'm still only 17 and can't deal with all of this. if you're stuck, get help, but quit offloading onto me, because it's wearing me down and depressing me!"

 

You may want to fix this - but honestly - there's absolutely no way you can, so really, stop wanting what you can't do.

Focus on keeping yourself out of harm's way, and look after you.

 

and I don't know how I'll ever live my own life when I have all of this to worry about it is just too much for me.. I just want us to be happy. What should I do?

 

Refuse to be drawn in any more, and don't play into it. Distance yourself, but still love them. otherwise you're just perpetuating the problem, because while they offload onto you, they're not getting the proper help they need.

Just protect your own mind, and tell them, "Quit moaning at me, and do something about it! Words are just empty, unless you follow through with actions! You want to find a solution? Then get to it, but quit beating my ears with all of this crap, I'm done with it!!"

 

Sounds unkind, but it may just be the impetus they need....