Really need some advice

[mont13]

Hi all this is a great site and its helped me more than you all know! Here is my story! my ex-girlfriend and I dated for 3yrs. In that 3 yrs we both grew so much. When we first were together i was the playboy who didn't want to settle down, and she was the nice soft spoken very quiet girl who lacked alot of confidence. Well as we grew together we both changed I helped her with her confidence and pushed her to be the best she could be! over the yrs she started working out, she started dressing more sexy and she dyed her hair blonde, She turned into a supermodel!! and her confidence got much better! She was so in love with me for helping her bring out what she wanted in herself! Myself i became more of the boyfriend type, spending quality time not going out with the boys all the time and chasing women things like that! We were defenitly in love.

 

Here is where the problems begin! This girl loved me very much and would do anything for me but I got greedy! I am a very outgoing guy more of a "leader type"..i make all the plans in my circle of friends, and like i said earlier she is somewhat more reserved more of the "i'll do whatever everyone wants to do" girl, and we would always get into arguments about this.Even though she changed so much for me and herself i always looked at her as how she was in the beginning, And always wanted More change, i though she should act more like me..For some reason i could never see how much confidence she had gained, it was a never good enough type of thing, I wanted her to be the social butterfly. This would be the argument we would have constantly, And i have a hard time with my anger so instead of trying to work on things i would just nit-pick about all the things that she wasn't doing right!

 

Don't get me wrong it wasn't always bad. Most of the time we were awsome together, we traveled alot, we went out together all the time we would have lots of fun and we loved each other very much to the point of planning our future together. But the same arguments would always come up again, it was just a matter of time. Over the last couple of months of our relationship we were arguing more often..I was stressed out from work and stuff and would bring it home and always be upset . We went on vacation together and we had a very big argument about something stupid and i said some really mean and hurtful things, and then i would wake up the next morning and act like things were ok! When we came back she told me that she couldn't do it anymore she couldn't be with someone who dosent love her for her, and that i could find someone that would make me happy! This tottaly crushed me, i couldn't believe that this was happening. She was tired of trying to change , and you know what she was toattly right!

 

Over the next week or so i really looked deep down i was and still am in alot of pain but then i realized that i also put her through pain like this at times in our relationship. I called her and asked her if we could meet for a drink just so i could say somethings and have closure. We met and it was really emotional.. we both cried there was no anger towards each other. it was very intense..I made her a list of 25 reasons why she is such an amazing woman and put it in a frame and told her to read it whenever anyone made her feel bad about herself or whenever she had doubts about herself..and i told her that i would never again put anyone in the pain that i was in now, and i wanted to change my ways for MYSELF and not because i wanted to convince her to take me back..She told me how much that meant to her and that even though she wasn't around anymore that she would support me! I realized that my anger and no patience have pushed alot of people away from me in my life.. I went and saw a anger-mangement counselor, and she gave some great books to read and while reading them i felt that the books were about my life, the way i handled arguments the way i held my own expectations on other people, and expected them to be or act the way that i thought they should. And it really sickened me to know this is how i was and would treat her at times.

 

I know i pushed her away and deserve what ever happens, but i honestly didn't see how much i was actually hurting her until i started my counseling. And i also know that I'm on the right path of change and that I'm starting to see things much differently and realizing what's important to me and understanding other peoples feelings. I do love her very much and I think she still cares about me as well. I just want her to know that i am working hard and that not to give up hope on me that if given another chance i can make this relationship what we both wanted. Its only been a month since the break up so i have alot more work to do and i cant expect her to believe that I'm this new guy, but how do i let her know that i am working on things? How do i let her know that i see what i have done in the past and would never or could never do them again? Or should i just give up hope!!?? I was there for her when she wanted to make changes for herself , and now i need her more then anything while I'm trying to work on myself!!... and like i said earlier we really had more good time then bad. But when they were bad they were BAD!!!..She told me if we met today and didn't have all the history we would be great together and that kills me because know we can be great together!

 

Sorry for the length of this posting..I'm new here but you guys are all so insightful and i appreciate all your postings.

[Heartfelt]

Ya, I can imagine it's really hard once a history of bad arguments has formed. 3 years is a good while to get to know someone. Whatever you do, don't try to force things. I'm sure you know that. The only way I can think of letting her know that you've changed is to try to do some things with her as a friend or maybe in a small group of friends. It may take a while for her to see the changes, but all you can do is allow her to want to see it. You have to let her come to you. Don't press things. Just invite her to something about once a week and see how it goes. If she doesn't respond well, then you have to move on. Give it time though. Don't get frustrated if things aren't going how you want them within a few months. That's the thing about women (no offense ladies), they can turn their emotions on and off like a switch, us guys can't. This is how we feel right now and we wear it on our sleeve. Just be patient with her and be sweet to her. It's probably going to take a lot of time.

[mont13]

Thanks heartfelt..Yea just hanging out with a group of friends would be perfect, like i said i still want and need to work on things and wouldnt just want to try to jump back into things just cause im hurtin right now, but i also dont want to be out of each others life from here on. We havent spoken in a month ive instant messeged her once and we chatted for a bit. I was thinking of emailing her my original post so just that she knows that i understand how things were and how i feel.. but i also want to respect her feelings of not wanting to be with me so im not sure if sending it would push away more.

[johan]

I know people like you, and I see them sort of run over the people's in their lives all the time. People they really care about. You have a strong personality and maybe too much confidence, not much patience and you're decisive. But you aren't evil, and I think you are probably respectful to anyone who demands it.

 

There's one more problem you didn't mention in your post. Something both you and she should think about. You two (both of you) went on like that for three years. Why was it a break up all of a sudden, and why didn't you see it coming? Why is it just now that you are starting to see the problems and why did it take three years for you to start working on them?

 

You can take all the responsibility for all this if you want, but I think she's more at fault for the fact that you broke up than you are.

 

Here's the deal: I'm sure she thought about breaking up with you for a long time before she actually did it. I imagine she resented lots of your behavior for the entire three years. The last argument might have been a bad one, but couples have bad arguments all the time. By itself, that's nothing worth breaking up over. But it obviously pushed her over the edge. The fact is she could have talked to you about it at any time. She didn't have to let it boil over like that. She had her love for you to protect. And if things were going on in your relationship that were killing that love, then it's on her shoulders to do something about it.

 

Maybe she tried. If she did then she may not have had the skills or maybe she wasn't strong enough. But it was her love that was getting hurt, and she was the one who was responsible for it.

 

So were you an ass? Yup. You might have even known you being one. And you're going to be an ass again. Whether you end up with her or someone else, you need to be with someone who can tell you you're an ass and you'd better knock it off. Someone who can notify you that if you don't change then the consequences will be a break up. You had the power to change. And I believe you loved her enough to do it, if you had known what was going on inside her head and heart.

 

I'm describing my own longest relationship and break up to you. I dated her for 4 years and lived with her for a year and a half. We never really fought. I was able to sort of roll over her in a lot of ways, and she never told me what it was doing to her. And then all of a sudden, she told me she was leaving me. She cried about it, and I was shocked because hadn't seemed upset at all. And I was shocked. I was so devastated, and it took me years to stop hating myself, because the one thing she told me as she left was how I had really been making her feel. I took that so much to heart that I lost all my confidence and literally thought I would never be in a relationship ever again. I even thought I didn't deserve one.

 

It's 8 years later now. And only in the past year have I completely put all my self-hatred and disappointment away. Thanks to my girlfriend that I have now. She tells me everything. Sometimes too much.

 

Want a prediction? I don't think it's likely that you'll be able to fix things with her. If you do, it will take a long time. She built up resentment all that time and that's a lot to deal with. She might still love you, but deep down she's probably furious. You have to realize that she has some work to do, too. She has to learn to communicate. She needs to get more courage so that she can say the things she needs to say. I think if she had, then either you would have broken up a long time ago and it wouldn't have been a surprise, or else you'd be going stronger than ever.

 

Good luck.