Greta Posted April 7, 2004 Share Posted April 7, 2004 Does deciding to separate from your spouse mean that you are permitted to go out and date/kiss/sleep with/start a relationship with someone else? I have never been separated, but was under the impression that a separation was supposed to give each partner time alone to think about what they want out of life & marriage - not free reign to go out and sew your wild oats. Have I missed the boat on what a separation is for? Link to post Share on other sites
Bronzepen Posted April 7, 2004 Share Posted April 7, 2004 You are correct. Seperation is a time to ponder and think if your marriage is worth salvaging or not. If you start dating other people then you have made your decision to end the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
amish Posted April 7, 2004 Share Posted April 7, 2004 I think that's kind of something you establish when you decide to separate. One spouse may think it's okay to date, one may not. However it's not like you can convince someone not to date. I guess it's more like you have to understand each other's intentions when you decide to separate. But, yes, seeing someone during the separation is the kiss of death. It seems there are two types of separation. The separation to think things over and the separation to get the divorce going. Unfortunately I think I'm in the latter. Link to post Share on other sites
Mike3852 Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 Hi, folks. Fist time posting, just found this site yesterday. My situation upon separation, only 2 months ago, was just to get out of the house, cool off and think. Emotionally have been separated since last August, physically moved out end of January. Have been married for 25 years, the last 7 years have been very difficult for a variety of circumstances with some hard situations to work through (my failed business, debt, building wife's business). Have 3 kids: 22, 19, 11. Went to marriage counseling for 1-1/2 years, focused on me and my problems the whole time. Ended up not talking except to argue. No intimacy for 1-1/2 years, slept on couch for same amount of time. Was a cloud of tension over the house when we were both there, so figured it best if I removed myself so at least the wife and kids would have peace at home. Now that I am living alone, rules for the separation never entered my mind. What I do think about is where to go from here, which I suppose is the real purpose of separating. Our relationship is dead and has been dead for several years. We both are the kind of people that persevere, and we have done that. I can't conceive of moving back in to the house with the environment that has been there. Even if the wife changed and committed to try it again, I do not know if I could commit to trying to find love for her again. Our lives and desires have gone separate ways over the years, and I am just now seeing clearly how that happened, and have no hope that we could converge our life paths again and make a happy life for ourselves. The one good thing about living separate is that now for the first time in years I can think clearly. The thing I need and want most in my life is a woman who appreciates me for who I am. I cannot fathom that ever happening with the wife at this point in our lives. So, the question is: do I move on to another relationship, delving into the "rules" discussed elsewhere in this forum, or just stay single for a year or two to find myself ? I hate being alone. I was alone in our marriage for years. Just because I have been alone for a long time doesn't mean I like it or should remain that way. As far as rules, I am on my own and the wife is too (all 3 kids are with her). Neither of us has slept around during our marriage nor are sleeping around now. There are only there paths: continue to live separately and plan on that for a long time, give up on relationship and move toward divorce, or work toward reconciliation (ugh ). As posted elsewhere in this forum, dating will cloud the issues and may not be the best avenue. Yet, for a lonely guy like me I can't conceive of just being alone for a long time, so seeing another woman for companionship is not out of the question. I suppose I need to decide to either work it out with the wife, or move on and seek another relationship. I guess coming to grips with a dead relationship and "moving on" is a hard thing for most of us. How do you know when it is time to give up and throw in the towel? Any comments from forum members would be greatly appreciated. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 How do you know when it is time to give up and throw in the towel? For me, it was when I realized that my own physical and mental well-being were in jeopardy. Some people have been able to rekindle their relationships using <URL removed> or Marriage Encounter, but both people have to be equally committed to making the relationship work. However, you can't make decisions based on whether you'll be alone or not. Both men and women need to be able to function happily on their own in order to be good partners to other people. This seems to be a skill you have yet to master. Now is another chance for you to do so. Put it this way; if you don't love your own company, why ought anybody else? Link to post Share on other sites
LRT Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 I think every relationship is different.Why a marriage ends and how, whether it be a mutual decision or not.I think it's important to know why you are ready to start dating again.If it's to avoid being alone then I would reconsider.Some people are ready sooner than others.I agree with the other poster who said if you are interested in dating(for the right reasons) then you have made the decision that your marriage can't be worked out.If you are dating for the wrong reasons then alot of people can get hurt your spouse, the person you're dating and yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
alan1968 Posted April 17, 2004 Share Posted April 17, 2004 I am personally going through the divorce process with my wife! As of now we are still in separation mode! I strongly believe that each person that is part of a separation should absolutely remain faithful to the marriage until the divorce is final, even if each person lives in separate locations. First of all dating while you are still married, separated or not, is morally wrong, and disrespectful to the other person, and the marriage they did have! Second of all, why in the heck would either person want to jump back into a relationship that quickly! Chances are both parties need a few things to work on in life before they commit themselves to another person! There is also an implication that could go against the person that is out dating! If caught dating, or engaging in sexual activity with another person, it could be used in court against them, and if there are children involved, it could get very messy! The best thing each person could do is get their lives together as individuals first! Learn how to be independent so future relationships won't go array! Now, I do realize that some divorces are based on adultery while married, and Physically abusiveness. While these two reasons for divorce are probably automatic, I still feel each person need to wait for a finalized divorce before they move on with someone else. If anything, moral responsibility should be the key here! Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted April 17, 2004 Share Posted April 17, 2004 Most people DO go out while they are separated. To get the 'legal' aspect of it....look up divorce laws IN YOUR STATE on any search engine on the net. Link to post Share on other sites
Scott S Posted August 24, 2004 Share Posted August 24, 2004 Hmmm. It depends on what you're intending/hoping the separation to accomplish. A point worth remembering is that a separation is not a divorce. The separatees remain married, & each other's lawfully wedded spouses. Which means that a sexual relationship with an outsider by definition would be comitting adultery. Obviously, this would not be conducive to healing the marriage, as many set out to do when separating. It would be like treating a brain tumor by shooting the patient. If the objective is to provide the time apart & the emotional distace needed to heal & renew the relationship, then the separatees really need to remain emotionally & sexually monogamous to each other. If they are headed for family court anyway, such realtionships could still get you in some trouble, when it comes time to hash out the issues like custody, maintenance, support, property divisions, etc. There are some courts that would not look kindly at an adulterer. Link to post Share on other sites
Scott S Posted August 25, 2004 Share Posted August 25, 2004 Hmmm. It depends on what you're intending/hoping the separation to accomplish. A point worth remembering is that a separation is not a divorce. The separatees remain married, & each other's lawfully wedded spouses. Which means that a sexual relationship with an outsider by definition would be comitting adultery. Obviously, this would not be conducive to healing the marriage, as many set out to do when separating. It would be like treating a brain tumor by shooting the patient. If the objective is to provide the time apart & the emotional distace needed to heal & renew the relationship, then the separatees really need to remain emotionally & sexually monogamous to each other. If they are headed for family court anyway, such realtionships could still get you in some trouble, when it comes time to hash out the issues like custody, maintenance, support, property divisions, etc. There are some courts that would not look kindly at an adulterer. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted August 25, 2004 Share Posted August 25, 2004 It really depends on the couple. I don't think there should be any one standard for all relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
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