Age old lovers to friends debate

[Lees]

Same old same old. Had a fabulous relationship for 9 months. Unexpected disaster in house left me homeless (literally) so I moved in too quickafter about 5 months (although she did ask me to). We get on really well. We're still in the same house since splitting up (about last 6 weeks). She ended it stating she had fallen out of love with me and lost the spark. I knew we had earlier and tried to talk to her about it but she didn't seem to be able to comprehend that with some effort we could get it back.

 

She still says that she has never connected with anyone intellectually like me, or had inspiring conversation like with me. She still says that we are 10/10 compatible on paper, but she wants 10/10 including desire and "spark" as well and I'm only 9/10 apparently as a result of loss of spark. I told her 10/10 is unrealistic in a long term relationship, and desire will wax and wane. We are attending couples counselling, but only to find out what went wrong, she doesn't at present seem willing to work on the relationship despite even saying that she's not sure she'll ever find anyone as compatible as me.

 

So I'm in a tricky situation. I still love her, although with what has happened the "in love" for me has also disappeared. She doesn't say she loves me, but does say she still cares for me very deeply. We are having a friends/housemates only existence at the moment and I have backed off completely in terms of attention and am happily getting on with my life. I am working on the moving out situation, and expect to be out in about 3-4 weeks time from her house.

 

The main issue I have right now is that she initiated a talk about being friends today. I said I wasn't sure I could do it, being honest. She seems to desperately want it. I told her my concerns were that she wouldn't be willing to make the effort in what would be a difficult friendship given she couldn't when our relationship got a little bit tricky. Said she was willing to do the travelling when I move back to my previous city (about 40 miles away). Immediately suggested we have dinner tomorrow night together at home (something we haven't done as an arrangement since breaking up), and said with a friendly grin "Is that a good enough effort?"

 

What do I do?

 

Next counselling is in 3 weeks time, about the time I expect to be moving out. Our failings have been too much time at work and too little invested in relationship, her feeling I don't listen to her, and her not talking about things that have upset her. I am improving my listening and validating skills, for my own benefit in future relationships. I hope she is addressing her own communication issues, but I really don't know if she is or not. I think possibly the discussion about being friends intiated by her was a small improvement.

 

I would like to reconcile, but have very little hope that this will happen. My original plan was to go NC when I've moved out, but I suspect she will see that as a kick in the teeth as she so surely wants to be friends. Is it better to be friends and try and rebuild what attracted us in the first place, which was intellectual conversation, guitar playing, hiking and gigs?

 

Any advice welcome.

[User1029]

My original plan was to go NC when I've moved out, but I suspect she will see that as a kick in the teeth as she so surely wants to be friends.

 

 

Stay with your guns, believe me. Your situation is very similar to mine (however I did not move in with her). I wanted to distance myself from her and needed to move on, but every time I felt strong enough to walk away she would come back and ask to see me or have dinner. Walk away, honestly. As cliche as it sounds, if it is meant to be it is meant to be. My ex said the same thing about the "spark", which to me is complete bulls**t. Give her a chance to truly miss you and see what life is without you. If she truly misses you and needs you in her life, she will come back to you. It is strange to say, but you'll be able to feel the right time to try and reconnect with her. As for now, be yourself, get back into the things YOU like to do and by all means do not think about her each day. Take it from me, I tried to remain friends with my ex (has been nearly a year we dated for 4) and it feels impossible. It's hard to look at someone completely different than what you are used to in the past.

 

All-in-all, worry about yourself for a while. I would suggest moving back 40 miles away and let her initiated all the contact, but never be right there for her. Stay aloof, the "spark" feeling is just another way of saying she doesn't see you interesting or challenging anymore. It is the nature of the beast to want something we cannot have, and that "spark" feeling has a much better chance to reignite if you completely walk away for a while. No matter how much you talk to her, nothing will bring her back unless SHE wants to come back.

 

Good luck with everything. Try not to fall into the trap I did. Walk away for a while, make her miss you, only that will bring the spark back.

 

Be you.