Married but can't forget ex!

[bella_tricks]

I’m here for an odd reason, ok not really odd, just frustrating. I’m married to a man that I love more than words and yet my ex haunts me. I don’t want anyone to know all the details in my real life so I’ll be using different names and as it is, I’m a twi-hard, so I’m “Bella”, my husband is “Jake” and my ex is “Edward”… This is my journey to trying to uncover some of my emotional issues. Jake and I have three small children together, they are my absolute life. But this starts way before our children, way before Jake and I ever met…

 

I was 16yrs old when I met Edward, I had just moved to where I live now, hundreds of miles from where I grew up. I was mending a broken heart when we met… And like in the Twilight story, I was drawn to him. Except our love wasn’t as epic… He was abusive through high school and yet I would always go back. Then after I dropped out and he graduated, things changed. I’m getting a little a head of myself but I don’t really know how to start this out without confusing everyone reading…

 

I live in a small town… the only place to really shop is at Wal-Mart, Edward’s children go to school with my children so we see each other a lot sometimes, not usually so much through the summer. I’ve met his wife, we go to Parent/Teacher meetings.. I’m polite to her but I can’t stand her. She’s a great person I’m sure but she’s with him… I simply don’t like her.

 

I’m good friends with Edwards mom, hell we are friends on face book, hang out when we can work it in {hardly ever, sadly}.

 

I’ve forgiven him for the past, him being a jerk to me… but I can’t forget about him.

 

I love Edward…

 

There, now that I have admitted it, maybe it won’t consume me anymore. Every time I see him maybe the words “I LOVE YOU” won’t scream in my head and me try to deny it anymore. So, yes I love my ex and I’m in love with my husband… Not that uncommon, right?

 

Jake is more than my husband, he’s my best friend, my other half, the father to our children, and yet all the love I have for him can’t make the feelings for Edward leave. I wish it would all just go away but I’ve been denying my emotions about Edward for damn near eight years and it’s gotten me no where but hurt.

 

I believe that it hurts Jake too… He wants to know EVERYTHING that goes through my head about Edward, all the dreams I have of him… But I’m at the point where I simply love Jake too much to let him know it all. It’s hard to not be completely honest with Jake but it’s even harder to see that look in his eyes.

 

This Bella is smart enough to know that no matter what, Jake is the right choice for me. He’s the one that I’m supposed to be with and he IS enough for me. I just need to learn how to deal with my emotions for Edward in hopes of some day, getting over them.

 

And maybe through this journey my stupid fantasies involving Edward will diminish also.. I’m so tired of thinking that one day I’ll meet him alone in the store and he’ll kiss me, or something like that. I hate it! I want it to stop… but how do you constantly control your thoughts? I haven’t learned that trick yet but I’m trying…

[whichwayisup]

I've noticed over the years, the most dramatic and detailed threads that are trolls, have the name "Bella" in it. Anyone else notice this??

[bella_tricks]

Not a troll, just don't want to use real names.

[coffeecat]

You're immature. We ALL have ex boyfriends. We get over it. You are NOT BELLA. Go look IN THE MIRROR. Go look AT YOUR KIDS. Your life is real.

[mitchell]

Your life is not some fictionalized version of a stupid novel about vampires and werewolves. You have a real husband and kids. Grow up and stop daydreaming about some former boyfriend.

[Kelemort]

So you were 16 when "Edward" was on the scene. You had the thrill of his inconsistent behavior - he'd treat you OK, but then overall he was just a big jerk. You were also very young, sounds like your first serious dose of romance, etc. It's likely that as the years have passed, you have romanticized this relationship. You're even assuming his wife is a bad person because she's with him - jealousy, perhaps?

 

Seriously consider who you were when you were 16. I'm assuming you're about 24 now, judging by what you've written (I'm a year younger). I can guarantee that I'm not the same person that I was when I was 23. Of course I'll think about the boys I met back then and wonder - but the fact is that I don't know them now. They could be perfect strangers!

 

You've moved past infatuation and into compassionate love with your husband. I think in your head, you are still stuck in that infatuation phase with Edward - you don't love him because you don't know him like you did when you were just teenagers. He's practically a stranger now. Maybe you're envisioning the person he was and projecting that onto the adult you currently know - but the fact remains that you don't appear to really know him.

 

My best advice is to see a therapist about this issue. Telling your husband this seed would only serve to hurt him - but he likely already knows your feelings based on what you talk about, or how you act around 'Edward.'

 

As well as a few books dealing with subjects like these - "If this is love, why do I feel so insecure?," "Romantic Jealousy: Causes, symptoms, cures," And "Getting the love you Want." There are elements of romantic obsession here, and those books may help you get a clearer vision of that - as well as what you can do about it.

 

The first piece of advice I have for you is to imagine what would happen if you really went after Edward - or if he went after you. It would likely break up both of your marriages, you'd have to go through custody issues, child support issues, alimony, etc. And then what? Do you even really know the guy? Because the moment that kissin' stopped...what would you actually talk about? Don't indulge in the fantasy - the fantasy is the best case scenario. This is a realistic look at what would happen.

 

The fact of life and of love is that you have to accept at some point that you've found a good thing and it's time to settle down. You say you love your husband and he's your best friend. As the song says, love the one you're with.