Are these narcisitic parents?

[Ash2dust]

Hi there,

 

I have been married for almost one year now, and honestly the road to that has not been easy.

 

My heritage is Indian, but I grew up in Europe. Me and my sibling both grew up with the "european" mentality, but we got the indian culture pushed upon us, as often happens in these situations.

 

The issues started mainly when we starting doing our own thing, university, work etc.

 

I have not had a bad childhood though, my folks were always there for me, financially, and it all went well till I started living my own life.

 

I got a good job in neighbouring country, so I moved away. But then the issues started. I started getting the guilt trips if I would not go back home every weekend, I dated a girl there for a while, and they would not even want to discuss that with me. I dealt with it, and tried to work it out, but it never really did work out... there was a pretence of that it did nto exist, and I got blamed for the health issues of my parents. I started getting promoted, traveling a lot, I was rising up in the company quite well... When all of a sudden they started pushing me to do a postgrad.. in India of all places. I was happy where I was, and what I was doing ( I am not overly ambitious, i prefer earning sufficient money to live comfortably and doing work i enjoy), but I kept getting pushed and pushed to go to India and study on. When I said I would rather stay in Europe and study there, that was not an option. It had to be india.

 

Weak as I was at that point, I studied, and applied for the Uni, but did not get in. During this time period I felt broken, and did not know how to react and deal with things. When I did not get into the Uni in india, my parents did not talk to me for a while, and then pushed me to try again next year.

 

A couple of weeks after this happened, my younger sibling started to break free, and would dissapear for months on end. Sadly enough, at that time my relationship with my parents improved drastically, and I was once again the "favourite" son. I am sick to admit, that at that point I was so happy that I got along with my parents, I even broke up with the girl I was dating and broke contact with my brother. Shortly after that as well I got promoted again and was sent of the South East Asia, something I was very excited about.

 

By the time I was 26, 6 months into being in SE-Asia, I met a girl, whom I fell in love with. The exciting part for me was the fact, that she was an Indian girl as well. No way my folks could have issues with that. My job was going well, and I had found an indian girl I wanted to get married to! Thigns were perfect... and they were for a while, until the Indian culture issues picked up again. initially small things were happening, which i did not think were imporant, so i ignored them. my GF and myself, even though both Indian, still had quite a "western" mentality.

 

We got engaged, and during the engagement party, there were issues, and huge fights with my parents. They seemed to find fault at everything, and felt everything was being done to purposely upset them. They would give me guilt, and then tell me I did not care about them, because i would side with my fiance. My fiance was also batteling her folks, to make our dating/marriage/ etc more equal to what both our parens wanted... We were tryign to be fair, and even though her folks would give in, my parents would not.

 

6 months before the wedding was supposed to happen ( in India, per my parents want), my brother brought up the news that his GF was pregnant. She is not an Indian girl. This started a huge downwards spiral, and within three weeks of that being announced, I was pushed by my parents to talk him out of having a baby.. Something i know now is one of the most horrible things I have ever done... My fiance tried to support me and family, to help them get through it, but all my folks did were push her away, push her family away, and then come down to my city, and put such heavy guilt on me, that I completely broke. I guess I did not know how wrong things were with me, or how weak I was... and the wedding was called off...

 

I was completely broken, did not know what to do, lost my job, and was seriously f**** up.....

 

What I did then was turn my life upside down... After this situation happened, i left eh country, travelled around for a couple of weeks, and ended up clearing my head and my mind.... I realised how weak I was, got pointed that out as well by several people. I started building my strength up again, and thinking of all the things that had happened in my life...

 

I broke up contact with my parents first, then the rest of my family, as all people would say that my parents had a reason for breaking up the wedding, that I HAD to follow them and do what they say... I also found out that there were a lot of lies said to me and my brother, that caused a huge rift between us.

 

After cutting off my folks, I went about to fix things with my fiance and her family, and with my brother and his GF. I apologized, and did what I could to make things right..

 

It took time, but I managed to fix things.. and we got marreid after all.

 

My parents were invited, but did not show up. They sent an email to me saying they were not there cause they were not invited, but that is not the truth.

 

Right now my brother and me do not have contact with our folks or family, as we seem to be the "black" sheep fo the group.

 

I wonder what you guys think of this, and if you have any thoughts on why, good, caring, parents, can go crazy when their kids start living their own lives...

 

Now after 18 months, they are trying to get back in touch, and am not sure if I want that. I am "happier", though i still feel a sense of loss. But I don't want to go through feeling miserable and feeling that whatever I do is never enough.

 

Just wondering if there are others out there that have gone through similar situations.

Ciao

[ALonerAgain]

Hi Ash2Dust,

 

Welcome to the boards.

 

I am sorry to hear what you have been through. Sounds terrible. To answer your question (the title of your thread), yes, your parents sound like they do have narcissistic qualities. It's not intentional, of course and I bet they do believe that they were right, but it still doesn't change this fact.

 

I guess this is what tends to happen when East clashes with West. My upbringing, though not as extreme as yours, had narcisisstic tendencies.

 

But no matter where your heritage is from, it all comes down to the simple reasoning behind having children and the whole circumstances of what we think makes a good parent and the 'right' way to raise children.

 

Have you read any books on Narcissism as this is an area which I think accounts for the majority of familial problems between parents and children.

[hoping2heal]

It is very controlling, is what it is. We hear about it in asian countries but it happens here, too. It is more acceptable in India because it is what is taught. You control who your children will marry. You control where they will live. Etc, etc, etc. The children are raised with the mentality that they do not dare go outside of their parents wishes and are dealt buckets of guilt and manipulation to help cement that idea into their heads all the more. They will grow up not wanting to hurt or bring harm to their parents and bend to their every whim. Now, not every family in India is that way, and some children do realize what is taking place and refuse to be a part of it.

 

I do think they mean well and just do not realize how selfish and destructive they are being. They are perpetuating what has been taught to them through the generations. I live in America and dealt with the exact same thing with my mother. For years, she had me under her thumb and I did as she wished for me without question. She thought she was doing what was best for me, but of course in no way was it. I have grown boundaries and assert myself now. You need to do the same.

[Ash2dust]

Thank you for your replies. How does one set boundaries? at this point the messages u get from my parents are still ones that are trying to instill guilt in me. They refuse to acknowldge they made any mistakes, and blame me for everything that went wrong.

[ALonerAgain]

Thank you for your replies. How does one set boundaries? at this point the messages u get from my parents are still ones that are trying to instill guilt in me. They refuse to acknowldge they made any mistakes, and blame me for everything that went wrong.

 

 

Have you considered going to see a Family therapist? You don't have to bring your parents to the sessions, but I'm sure discussing these issues with a specialist will help you feel more comfortable with the situation.

 

If that's too big a step for you, you could try reading self-help books? A couple that might be appropriate for you are: "The Dance of Connection - How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared..." (Harriet Lerner) and "Toxic Parents" (Susan Forward). I haven't read either of them yet, but I'm sure they will more than help!