Found Out Tonight My Fiance is Having an Affair With Her Married Boss What do I do?

[BetrayedPA]

I'm 34. I am/was dating a girl, currently 28, for approximately five years. We broke up 2 1/2 years into the relationship after constant fighting and mistrust. I thought she was having an affair with her married boss after I found her texting him late at night and his name was in her cell phone as "My Husband". She denied it and said the name was a joke. I could never prove anything occurred, but the mistrust was planted. Things went downhill thereafter. She moved out and we broke up. After not speaking for 9 months we eventually got back together because after we saw each other out one night she claimed she knew I was the one she wanted to be with. It was rough at first because I had trust issues. And, I found out she was texting other guys she "saw" when we broke up. She claimed that nothing inappropriate was going on and they were just "guy friends". I moved past it trusting her.

 

For the past year, things have generally been great. She's settled down and we haven't had any real problems. Things have been so good, we actually signed a lease together to move in, in two weeks. She talked about how she couldn't wait to marry me and for us to start our life.

 

Believing that I could definitely spend my life with this woman. I bought and engagement ring and set up a proposal for this weekend.

 

Last night, I was at her house visiting and was getting ready to leave to drive to her parents to ask for their permission to marry their daughter. We had both recently got new phones, so I was looking at hers while she was in the shower. It definitely was an invasion of privacy, but something told me to do it. I had trusted her for the past 9 months and didn't have any issues. But something made me think I should look.

 

When I looked, I saw she had a voicemail from a number I didn't recognize at 1am the night before. Curiosity got the best of me and I listened to the voicemail. It was a man's voice who was highly intoxicated, it said... "Princess, I loved spending time with you yesterday. I miss you. I'm sorry I couldn't come over tonight. I can't wait to keep my promise to you...". I wrote down the number from the message. I called the number, it was her married boss's cell phone.

 

In shock, I stormed out of her house. Mistake. Minutes later I called her to question her on it. She denied that any message existed ever existed. She said "I have no idea what you are talking about I never got that message". When I returned, we called her voicemail together, she had deleted it from her phone.

 

She claimed that I was crazy and accusing her of something that I had no bounds. She got very defensive and insulted me and said I issues for checking her phone. She's right. What I did was wrong, but there was just something that told me to do it.

 

I left. Hours later, in what I can only guess was an effort to resolve the situation, she gave me her T-Mobile login to check on calls that night. What she didn't realize was that the voicemail logs were in a different part than what she likely looked at and didn't see anything. Apparently, incoming calls don't show on the online log if they are not answered and go to voicemail. Sure enough, though, there was a call to her phone that night 30 seconds after the timestamp on the message I heard (1:03am) where she checked her voicemail. I also saw a series of phone calls and messages between them from that day. Although, it was not a regular everyday correspondence, just periodically spaced between weeks, but sometimes at 1am or 2am in the morning when she claimed she was out with friends.

 

When confronted with this information, she continued to claim that no message ever existed, that anytime she called her voicemail was for other reasons and that any messages between her and her boss were purely work or friendship related. She said sometimes she would text him when out at night innocently.

 

All that being said, what do I do? I know she's lying. But I can't prove it. I'm not making the voicemail up. And, coincidentally the online log confirms she just happened to check her voicemail seconds after the message that supposedly didn't exist was left at 1:03am? My guess is she will go to her grave denying it because if she admits it she thinks I will tell someone that works at her company and she will get fired. And/or her boss's wife.

 

In an attempt to get the truth, I told her if the message and calls were one sided (and it was just her boss contacting her inappropriately) all she had to do was tell me, I would understand and we could work through it. She would only say that no such message ever existed. And continued to tell me I was the one with issues. I've seen this pattern before, when she is caught in a lie she gets defensive and tries to turn it on the other person.

[Chi townD]

Well, first and most important! You haven't moved into the new place yet, so get out of that lease immediately. Second, you're not stupid. You heard the voicemail, what you sould have done was play it for her. Of course, she would still probably deny any wrong doing and claim she doesn't know why he would be sending a voicemail like that.

 

Personally, you KNOW what you heard and I think it's time to move on. But, there's another way to find out that most people won't agree with (but I'm feeling vendictive today) Call up her boss using someone else's phone or line and don't give him your name. ONLY say, " Thank you for screwing up my engagement, I wonder if your wife wants to know just how you did that." Then hang up. If your girl blows up your phone wanting to know why you called her boss you can say, " I didn't give him my name or yours, why is he coming to you about it?" You got your answer!

 

Personally, she is cheating and lying. Do you really to deal with that the rest of your life? Time to move on and find a girl that will be dedicated to you and you only.

[BetrayedPA]

An update. She sent me an email this morning admitting that she lied about the message. She admitted that her boss left it.

 

Her explanation was that; when we broke up they became "very close". When we got back together, she cut some ties but that they still talked and were friends. She said that the messages and calls late at night were because they "were friends".

 

She said he was very drunk when he left the message. And she only kept it because he didn't remember leaving it. She said their relationship is "very affectionate" and that is why he said some of the things on the message. But that he is just a very affectionate person.

 

She claims she lied about it because she knew I would be upset. But that their relationship is completely "innocent". She said that no matter what happens, she will continue to remain friends with him.

 

Here is what I believe. I believe that they likely had an affair right around the time we were breaking up. It explains a lot of things that were going on at that time. The affair probably stopped when we got back together, but more likely shortly thereafter. She continued to stay in touch with him months after we started dating again as I am sure there were still lingering feelings. This explains her phone calls when she was drunk to him months ago at 3am (I am not naive enough to believe that you are "friends" with a married man that you call at 3am). Intermittent texts and calls occurred in the past few months at night, but nothing on a regular basis.

 

As a result, I do not believe that they were together recently.

I believe he likely still has feelings for her; hence the "I miss you..., etc." on the message. I am sure on some level she still has feelings for him, but he is married with kids. I think she was attracted to him because he is a man of power with a lot of money.

 

What disturbs me most is not that she lied to me when she was caught. (I have lied to her in the past. And if caught I probably would have lied too) But that when caught, instead of going out of her way to try and work things out with me; her response was to blame me and say "she didn't want to be with me". The only reason she emailed me was because I contacted her multiple times even after the denials; saying that I was willing to work through anything and listen because I had dedicated the last five years of my life to her. Essentially, I didn't mean enough to her when caught to try and fix it.

 

She now claims that she is willing to work things out with us. I realize that I have dedicated the last five years of my life to this woman and I am not getting any younger. And, unfortunately, despite all the bs and pain she's put me through, I have been the most happiest when I am with her. It will be difficult to find someone with as many common interests and that I am as attracted to as her. I know, I've dated many women, and none have come close. I also know that there are many other women out there who would not lie, cheat, etc. on me.

 

There is a good chance if I take her back, she may do something like this again (based on past history; she has a pattern of calling her x's when she drinks, but based on the records can see that she stopped doing this months ago but much after the time we got back together). I will also have to deal with the fact that she will be around and still talk to her married boss with whom she likely had an affair everyday. She will not quit her job.

 

I don't know what to do.

[Woggle]

If you marry her you are out of your mind. She is waving a big huge red flag right now.

 

Have you actually proposed to her yet? If not then return the ring and live happy without her. Please do not go down this road.

[ShoeGurl1973]

I think you need to run and run fast! She flat out lied to you when you had proof at the expense of making you think you were crazy. If she is going to lie to you about that, what else is there?? And you can't tell me that anytime her phone rings from a call or text around midnight or after that you aren't going to have a sinking feeling in your gut and want to check her phone the minute she leaves the room. I have been there, being the paranoid half of a couple is not something you want to be - you need to be able to have 100% trust in your spouse.

[Chi townD]

"Princess, I loved spending time with you yesterday. I miss you. I'm sorry I couldn't come over tonight. I can't wait to keep my promise to you...".

 

Dude! She's having an affair! What she's doing is damage control! Everything in that message SCREAMS ongoing affair. Regardless of what happens, she'll still remain "friends" with him? Won't leave her job. She's doing everything to protect her boss and not your feelings. If she was 100% dedicated to you, she would have told you the truth, begged for forgiveness, quit her job and no contact with her boss forever, but she not willing to do that. So, where do you stand...

 

Sorry dude, I believe you have to move on.

[dreamingoftigers]

Holy ****,

 

Here is how we are going to do this:

 

You are going to

 

A: Buy me a first class ticket to your town/city

 

B: Put me up in a five star hotel

 

C: Make sure that all of my meals, expenses, missed wages are covered.

 

D: Twice daily you are going to come by my hotel room at exactly 6 a.m. and 6 p.m. DO NOT BE LATE

 

E: At those exact times I will kick you in the nuts.

 

Why? Because if you do what I just described and break up with this girl, you will have more dignity and less pain at the end of one week then if you stay with this girl.

 

I have some upcoming availability and steel-toed boots.

 

Translation: Dump her or you are an idiot.

[0hpenelope]

You have to have boundaries, brother. Have you checked out the OM/OW forums here? Some of the actions of the betrayed partners may serve as a good guide for you.

 

I've never had to deal with something as drastic as this, but I do know about being emotionally-charged and how things blow up in my face spectacularly when I do something with emotions running really high. You need to possess as much of a clear head as possible before you decide on your next step.

 

And again, those boundaries for yourself. We teach people how to treat us and this woman will step all over you if you don't fight for your dignity with her. You may have been at your happiest with her, but her moral compass is off to me when she decided to engage in dealings with a married man. Who cares who came on to who, she made the decision to be inappropriately affectionate with someone who's married.

 

You can get through this, but she will have to want to, too. Counseling is an option you might want to consider looking into.

 

You can't control her but you can control yourself. I'm sorry you're going through this. Look out for yourself and good luck.

[PegNosePete]

Dude. +1 to all the other posters. She is a lying, cheating slut. Get rid.

[dreamingoftigers]

Dude. +1 to all the other posters. She is a lying, cheating slut. Get rid.

 

PNP, you can come on the nut-kick spree too. Separate rooms though, OP is paying.

[JasonRules]

She said that no matter what happens, she will continue to remain friends with him.

Translation: "I will still spread my legs for him"

 

If you want to marry someone like this...go ahead. You'll be on here again 1 year later in the "Getting divorced" section. Personally, I would do the following.

 

I would go to her parents home and tell them exactly what happened. Tell them everything so they know their daughter is a slut. Tell them you were planning on proposing, but after this there is no way in hell you will propose. Thank them for their kindness and support and ride off into the sunset. Also, return the ring and get your money back. Use the money to go on a vacation/holiday with your buddies to Mexico.

[dreamingoftigers]

 

I realize that I have dedicated the last five years of my life to this woman and I am not getting any younger. It will be difficult to find someone with as many common interests and that I am as attracted to as her.

I don't know what to do.

 

1. STDs will help age you even faster. Don't kid yourself he is banging her.

 

2. Why don't you find someone who has the common interest of a loyal monogamous relationship, maybe she won't play ping-pong with you but that is still better then getting an STD or having a kid passed off as yours.

 

3. How attracted can you be to the local sperm bank?

 

Dude, I am usually chill with guys like you who have been through the ringer, but you are practically begging her to treat you like crap.

[Glove_slap]

Since your still young (30s) and haven't been married yet this is what you do.

You contact the boss and his wife and tell them hes been having an affair with your fiancée then tell your fiancée's parents and her that you have something important to tell everyone and when you guys get together tell them your breaking off the wedding because shes been having an affair, you dump her and never talk to her again (keep in touch with her family). You move away from your current place, find a NEW girl who isn't such a bitch, date her and eventually get married and have a happy life. Really burn the hell out of her.

 

OR

 

You can say you need time and disappear for awhile or punish her in some way because if you just apologize she'll continue her behavior knowing you'll always be there as a safety net for her if she falls. She will take you for granted if you just take her back, show assertiveness and even if you love her she must not obviously love you back if shes willing to have an affair behind your back (don't believe her if she says she loves you). One day you'll realize if you want her back or not but she'll probably still be having relationships before that happens. Honestly you could do better and there are so many women out in the world its crazy. I used to be in love but I don't believe in it anymore because I've realized people just end up using you without you being able to realize it which in this case seems to be the case. Dump her before she dumps you and trust me she will dump you if shes lining up other males to fit your role. Marriage will also do nothing for your relationship because marriage isn't magic, it won't transform her into a fabulous wife, if she cheats now she'll cheat then. Why? because shes a bitch.

[carhill]

1. End the lease. This might cost some money depending on how the lease agreement is structured. Do that first, since occupancy is imminent.

 

2. Return the ring or, if not financially viable (restocking fee too high), retain it.

 

3. Formally end the engagement personally with her and her family, as appropriate.

 

4. Mail/deliver any concrete evidence of their inappropriate contacts to his wife.

 

5. Institute no contact and take some time alone to heal. Change your contact information. All parties know where you reside so any contact can be in person.

 

Welcome to LS; my sympathies.

[BetrayedPA]

One of the benefits of her giving me her password is that I had access to all her call logs from the last year.

 

This I can say with relative certainty. There is a high likelihood she was not cheating with her boss in the past six months. Unless, they didn't call or text each other to meet up. 90% of her calls and texts to him were during times when I know she was at home alone before or after she was talking to me. Or, was with me. Now this may seem strange, but I am fairly confident that logistically they couldn't have been together; unless he would come over once every two to three weeks and spend less than 40 minutes with her.

 

Regardless, I am almost positive at one point they had an affair. This could have been when we broke up 2 years ago. I am not dumb enough to believe that people who are "just friends" (one of whom is married); leave messages for each other saying they "miss them".

 

Her call records also indicate that when she got really drunk back in December she called and texted her x-boyfriend, some other guy she met when we broken up and her boss. I recall this particular evening because we got in a fight because she told me she was going to hang out at a bar where I knew her x would be. She called me multiple times at 2am; I didn't answer. She then called her x at 2am, her boss and this guy. She then called me and left me a nonsensical message. Then there was a text message from her to him at 5am. She called me the next morning apologizing, saying she was wrong for even going, and we made up. Her call records indicate that she has not called or texted her x or the other guy since.

 

All that being said, I am not stupid. And, I realize her behavior shows a pattern. Which, in all honesty, there is a VERY good chance she will only repeat if I give it another chance. I also realize that getting back together with her would only likely result in something similar happening down the road. On the other hand, at what point does a person deserve a second/third chance? I myself have not been perfect in the relationship. We've had our ups and downs. And, during the downs, I've definitely done things that could be considered inappropriate. So who am I to hold her to a perfect standard? On the other hand, I've never had an affair with a married man I still work with. I haven't ever had any sort of affair with anyone while I was dating her. Of course it is difficult to let go after 5 years, but I guess the real question is; is it possible for someone to change?

[carhill]

Everyone changes. It's the nearly universal constant in life. If the changes are positive, then act on that, if negative, act on that. This thread wouldn't be here if the changes were positive, rather a proposal would be happening this weekend and LS would never have known of your existence. That's telling

[dreamingoftigers]

Dude, you have been given a crystal ball before the wedding.

 

Seriously....

[carhill]

I got a little ahead of myself with #3....

 

3. Formally end the relationship with her and her family as appropriate. Do this in person. I would not involve her family as this issue is IMO between the two of you, but your customs may be different.

[Chi townD]

"I'm sorry I couldn't come over tonight. I can't wait to keep my promise to you...".

 

Ummm...dude...He couldn't come over TONIGHT!!! This is in the present. What reason does her boss have to go over to his employee's place?

 

I have people that work under me and I don't call any of them princess! And what promise is that he's speaking of?

 

Look, I get it. You don't want to think that the person you love could be capable of hurting us this badly. Hell, WE'VE all been there. But try to listen to your head and not your heart on this one.

[DollyGirl12]

I can't disagree with anyone elses post on here. His comment to her that he liked spending time with her "yesterday", and that he's sorry he couldn't come over tonight.

They have been spending time together and she has been lying to you about it.

I'm sorry, I do realize that this is a hard one to swallow. My ex was responding to craigslist personals ads and looking up escort services. Don't know if he had done that before behind my back, didn't matter. He swore up and down that his email was hacked and someone sent those emails to the postings on Craigslist. He denied, denied, denied, which is exactly what your girl is doing. He actually had gone as far as to, after I saw the ones he sent, send out about 40 of them to other personals to prove to me that he was hacked/spammed. However, the other 40 that he sent out did not have a personal touch to them, and they did not have 3 of his pictures attached. He really thought I was a complete idiot I guess. He was WRONG!

I realize you want to believe that nothing has been going on. I can completely understand the hurt and devastation that you are feeling. Please do not let that cloud your good judgment. She is thinking of you as nothing more than a pushover.

You deserve better!!!!

[BetrayedPA]

Not that it deserves clarification. But I'm not 100% positive what the message said, except for the "Princess, I miss you and keep my promise" parts. I'm pretty sure it said "sorry I couldn't see you tonight". But I could be wrong. I do know that, that particular day and before, they had a large group work function. So that explains the "spending time with you yesterday". And the "see you tonight". Not sure how that could be possible. Because that night, she called and texted me all night and before she went to bed. I guess though, if he "couldn't see her". That wouldn't make a difference. She explained that "the keep my promise part" was because he didn't help out with the event. And he "promised" to do the work for the next event the following week.

 

Like I said, the calls logs don't lie. I doubt that an affair is currently going on. It would just not be logistically possible. But there is NO doubt in my mind that something happened at some point. You just don't call someone "princess" and say "I miss you"; if there wasn't a romantic relationship.

 

I guess the question would be; if you knew your significant other had an affair with a married man at some point. But that it was likely over now. Would you give it a chance to reconcile?

[Chi townD]

Nope! I wouldn't. As soon as you discovered the message and phone logs, she was mad that you snooped, what did she do, what is the FIRST thing she said, " I don't think we should be together." Unstead of clearing up a misunderstanding and trying to explain everything to you in calm and logical way. Nope! She threw you under the bus because she didn't know how to come up with the lies quickly on the fly. So, instead of trying to come up with an explaination she said, "we're through"

 

I'm telling you, something innappropriate is going on here. I would say the only way you would even consider working this out is if she agree's to a lie detector test. See what she says then!

[carhill]

if you knew your significant other had an affair with a married man at some point. But that it was likely over now. Would you give it a chance to reconcile?

 

Sure, if the SO was conciliatory, proactive and transparent and changed jobs.

 

In my case, though I didn't 'throw my exW under the bus' and proactively disclosed (she didn't 'catch' me), I refused to end the association, though I was proactive and transparent about it (no secrets) and she chose to file for divorce. Positive outcome.

 

This is just one of those things where unhealthiness is hard to get around by remaining immersed. Get clear of it and see, over time, if her actions and words match and are those of a person you wish to be married to. Change is possible. Boundaries are invaluable to health. Good luck

[2sunny]

you have evidence that she has had an intimate relationship with (an)other man.

 

is this your life choice?

 

her character and integrity is being revealed to you. you have a chance to get out... RUN!!!!!

 

never look back.

 

she doesn't even deserve your time or energy you are wasting on trying to figure out her cheating, chaotic ways of the cover up that all the cheaters bring to the table.

 

tell her you are done with her chaos.

 

move forward. be grateful you had an ahhhh - haaaa moment.

[Irishlove]

Find his wife and let her know. I'd call the higher up and bust him. Why be played like a fool? You sound like a good guy and this crap shouldn't happen to you. She is just liking the thrill of the chase, her superior.