Found Out Tonight My Fiance is Having an Affair With Her Married Boss What do I do?

[BetrayedPA]

Today, for some reason, has been the most difficult day. I'm not sure why.

But, as many of you who have been through this have, I'm starting to question whether I made the right decision.

 

I keep thinking; what if she's telling the truth about the message (it would have been VERY difficult for her to have been carrying on an affair and most of the conversations they had were around the time we broke up)? What if the guys she was texting were just friends and it was innocent (it was a LONG time ago and rarely happened and I have also texted girls occasionally I used to date)?

 

What if she really did love me and would have spent the rest of her life with me; but I put an end to it? Maybe she really was hurt from being with me for 5 years and constantly wanting to be married but I kept delaying? Maybe she acted out and made mistakes? People make mistakes. I've made mistakes.

 

She went out of her way to apologize and say she wanted to work things out. To say she didn't want to be without me. She then showed up at my door because she wanted to talk. It was me who shut it all down. Maybe I am just being stubborn or too caught up in things that happened? Or, think in my head the idea of this perfect mate that I want to be with; when that's not a reality.

 

Then I think. No, I'm not crazy. All I've done is try to justify her actions and make excuses for her. Maybe I'm just broken from the gaslighting and my security in decision making is shot. Logically, I know this: NO ONE who's in a committed relationship should ever be getting messages from married men like that. They shouldn't ONLY care about themselves. They shouldn't lash out an insult people they supposedly care about. They just shouldn't act that way.

 

I think, maybe she can change. Maybe she was immature and can grow up. Maybe after all this ordeal she realizes what she'll lose if she acts that way. But the truth is, If I were to get back together with her, it would likely only be more of the same; mistrust, her being selfish, acting however she wants because she feels entitled, and - in the end - just ending up right back here - although next time divorced or with kids.

 

The worst part for me; is if you throw out the selfishness/stubbornness and the disrespect/possible affair - in EVERY other aspect she was the perfect person for me and no one I've ever met has come even close. Beautiful. Fun. Every common interest the same (food, music, hobbies, etc.). I was inexplicably the happiest when I was just with her; even if it meant doing nothing. She had a great family that treated me like a son. We had the exact same life goals and desires; to get married, have two children, move into the perfect house in the suburbs.

 

She would argue, after five years, I knew exactly what I was getting into with her personality. And, the truth is. I did. I knew she was difficult. Outspoken. Independent. I actually kind of liked it. And could have lived with it. I just didn't ever imagine that it involved an affair or serious disrespect and disregard for someone that every day you told you wanted to marry.

 

Although, according to her, she never did anything wrong. And, right now my guess is she still believes she didn't do anything wrong and I am solely to blame. I saw it happen a million times with other things and people (her work, her friends, etc.). For some reason, her personality is; "I am ALWAYS right and anyone else who thinks differently is in the wrong. They can go f**k themselves."

[melenkurion]

Today, for some reason, has been the most difficult day. I'm not sure why.

But, as many of you who have been through this have, I'm starting to question whether I made the right decision.

 

You did.

 

Then I think. No, I'm not crazy. All I've done is try to justify her actions and make excuses for her. Maybe I'm just broken from the gaslighting and my security in decision making is shot. Logically, I know this: NO ONE who's in a committed relationship should ever be getting messages from married men like that.

 

You are not broken, it's just what the gaslighting does to you. The intention is to make you feel you are a the crazy one. I heard my ex and my friend talking about their affair, and they managed to convince me I had misheard the whole thing. I believed them, and thought I was crazy. I felt terrible for doubting them, and I gave my friend lots of support for his fake problem. You are dead right, she should not have been getting messages like that.

 

 

I think, maybe she can change. Maybe she was immature and can grow up. Maybe after all this ordeal she realizes what she'll lose if she acts that way. But the truth is, If I were to get back together with her, it would likely only be more of the same; mistrust, her being selfish, acting however she wants because she feels entitled, and - in the end - just ending up right back here - although next time divorced or with kids.

 

If you get back with her, what she will learn is that she can treat you like utter cr@p and you will still be there for her. You know this, you are saying it yourself. If she hasn't grown up in five years with you, she isn't going to start now.

 

The worst part for me; is if you throw out the selfishness/stubbornness and the disrespect/possible affair - in EVERY other aspect she was the perfect person for me

 

I am so sorry, but that brought a wry smile to my face. The things you highlighted there, they represent the core of a person.

 

 

 

She would argue, after five years, I knew exactly what I was getting into with her personality. And, the truth is. I did. I knew she was difficult. Outspoken. Independent.

 

That's not a justification for her behaviour. It took me months to see that. My ex pretty much said that to me. If I ever said that he had hurt me with some cutting remark, he used to say "It's just how I am, you need to take it less personally". The implication is that it's like it or lump it, I won't ever make any effort. It might have been "how he was", it might be how she is. That doesn't make it OK. And the truth is, the worse aspects of the behaviour would never have been immediately apparent. They are only revealed once you are fully attached and invested.

 

Although, according to her, she never did anything wrong. And, right now my guess is she still believes she didn't do anything wrong and I am solely to blame. I saw it happen a million times with other things and people (her work, her friends, etc.). For some reason, her personality is; "I am ALWAYS right and anyone else who thinks differently is in the wrong. They can go f**k themselves."

 

Yup, I bet you are right, she doesn't believe she did anything wrong. That doesn't alter the fact that she did do wrong. People that never admit to being wrong are incredibly insecure in reality. Think about it: your world view is so brittle that to admit one flaw, the whole thing shatters. Scary. If someone can't admit obvious errors, then I simply trust them less and less. I saw similar behaviour in my ex: he was never able to admit he was wrong. He apologised to me twice in eight years. I doubt you have even had one single apology?

[JimmyB26]

I think it's more than that, Betrayed...

 

Trust me, I've been in your shoes, and I didn't know what a healthy relationship was until I got out of the unhealthy situation, was single for a while, found myself again, and met someone new and great. She and I have been together for about eight months now, and I now see the difference between where I was and where I am.

 

This woman you're dealing with seems to be absolutely terrified of true intimacy. You getting too close - perhaps close enough for her to fear you finding out who she truly thinks she is - scares the hell out of her. In a normal relationship with someone who's ready for real love, if you move closer to someone emotionally, they should be accepting and interested in reciprocating. I see you moving closer and her running away, and when she senses you moving away she moves closer. She has a classic fear of abandonment that drives her, because if she's alone, she'll possibly have to face the truth about herself.

 

She's also a control freak. As soon as you stand up for yourself and wrestle control over the situation away from her, she's ready to hurl accusations and blame at you in order to put you off-balance and try to get you to lose control and feel weak. Don't give in.

[BetrayedPA]

This may sound strange, but if I had to make an honest assessment of her it would be this:

 

Her problems had nothing to do with fear of commitment. The thing she wants the most in life is to be married and to have someone take care of her. For the last few years, it is ALL I heard about. Every time one of her friends or someone she knew got engaged it would be a week long fight. I planned a trip abroad for her birthday last year. She threw a three day fit when she found out we weren't getting engaged on the trip.

 

On some level, she obviously cares/cared for me. She wouldn't have spent five years with me if she didn't. However, for whatever reason she felt like she can do - and did do - whatever she wanted (talk to other men, carry on alleged affairs, get drunk and cause a scene, etc.), until the day that she was actually engaged or married. I have a feeling, in her mind, whatever she did until the day she was engaged was justifiable. And as a result, she would lie about it, or go behind my back. But it didn't matter. Because in her head it was justified; it was my fault for waiting so long to marry her.

 

I don't know when this sense of self entitlement got engrained in her head, but it was definitely there when we first started dating; she was still talking to her x and other men. She acted out all the time. And, it only got worse when she started working at the job with her new boss.

 

She became obsessed with money and material items (or even more obsessed); and ALWAYS put the older men she worked for (likely because of their money and power) before me. She liked the lifestyle they lived (country clubs, owning parts of restaurants, etc.) and when given the choice, I'm guessing, would rather be with a man who could give her those material things. She told me numerous times, she wanted to marry a celebrity. Or, if we weren't together, she would run out and find a rich older man who would marry her in a matter of months not years.

 

For me, I make a living that is significantly better than most (I own a nice house, a nice car, and go out to nice dinners, etc.), but not on the level of the older men she worked for.

 

She stayed with me because I provided her things she wanted... security in a relationship, a financial lifestyle that was MUCH better than what she had on her own, a spouse that her friends and family adored; and most importantly someone who always tolerated her behavior (even when others would have left long before) and stood by her.

 

But when it came down to it. She didn't respect me. I was good; worth marrying and spending time with and having me provide for her. But not good enough to put before herself or any someone richer who could possibly offer her better.

 

She was/is a "user". And has gotten away with it her whole life because of her physical appearance. And, if everything she has said, and I believe, is true. Right now her ONLY goal is to go out and find a rich older man who will provide for her. And, I don't doubt that she will and can do it.

[melenkurion]

She was/is a "user". And has gotten away with it her whole life because of her physical appearance. And, if everything she has said, and I believe, is true. Right now her ONLY goal is to go out and find a rich older man who will provide for her. And, I don't doubt that she will and can do it.

 

I'm sure her physical appearance might well snag her a rich older man in some way. But all the behaviour you have described here she'd have to really reign in it to get herself a partner. From the sounds of it, she doesn't have much idea of how to behave other than how she is with you. She'd also struggle to maintain the mask long term. Rich older men surely get pretty good at spotting beautiful users who want a meal ticket and nothing more? Even if she does manage to get a rich husband: what does that say about her? There's a something pretty fundamental missing inside someone like that. You're much better off without that kind of parasite.

 

I've been seeing a counsellor since the breakdown of my relationship. One thing that I recently got from counselling is that I do let people I find attractive treat me far more badly than I'd allow other people to treat me. I was pretty horrified to realise that about myself. The fact is, the behaviour is not acceptable whether someone is hot or average.

[BetrayedPA]

12 phone calls and 15 text messages last night ALL saying how much she misses me and doesn't want to spend her life with anyone else. Saying she'll do anything to make it work. Saying there is no reason to give up after 5 years. Saying she doesn't want to spend her life with anyone else.

 

This morning she left me a 20 min voice mail asking how I could be so heartless for not responding. Admitting that she has been selfish and stubborn, but blaming it on not wanting to get hurt and constantly waiting to get engaged but it never happening. Saying that it may have been improper to call/txt her boss but still asserting that nothing ever happened. Saying she loves me and she has always known that I was the person she wanted to be with. Saying she will never give up trying.

 

This is worse than psychological warfare.

 

One second it's go "f" yourself, you're selfish, this is all your fault.

 

The next it's, I just reacted badly because I was afraid of getting hurt, I would do ANYTHING to be with you - just name it.

[jstobo]

12 phone calls and 15 text messages last night ALL saying how much she misses me and doesn't want to spend her life with anyone else. Saying she'll do anything to make it work. Saying there is no reason to give up after 5 years. Saying she doesn't want to spend her life with anyone else.

 

This morning she left me a 20 min voice mail asking how I could be so heartless for not responding. Admitting that she has been selfish and stubborn, but blaming it on not wanting to get hurt and constantly waiting to get engaged but it never happening. Saying that it may have been improper to call/txt her boss but still asserting that nothing ever happened. Saying she loves me and she has always known that I was the person she wanted to be with. Saying she will never give up trying.

 

This is worse than psychological warfare.

 

One second it's go "f" yourself, you're selfish, this is all your fault.

 

The next it's, I just reacted badly because I was afraid of getting hurt, I would do ANYTHING to be with you - just name it.

 

Dude, this is normal. The go "f" yourself is the impulse reaction. Anger and fear cause these immediate "without thinking first" reactions. The rational person eventually takes over and tells you how they really feel. After I discovered my wife's emotional affair, I would have knee jerk reactions and say terrible things. 5 minutes later, I would calm down and tell her how I really felt. My W is trying to reconcile with me now, but I sure wish she was beating doors down like your fiance is.

[BetrayedPA]

I think she might be delusional. Or, is now engaged in some advanced form of psychological mind-f. I just got a text message from her inviting me to an event with her work and their suppliers tonight that was planned months ago? Saying she'd like to see me?

 

After I spent the last week telling her I didn't want to have anything to do with her because she likely had an affair with her married boss and haven't been speaking to her?

[geegirl]

I think she might be delusional. Or, is now engaged in some advanced form of psychological mind-f. I just got a text message from her inviting me to an event with her work and their suppliers tonight that was planned months ago? Saying she'd like to see me?

 

After I spent the last week telling her I didn't want to have anything to do with her because she likely had an affair with her married boss and haven't been speaking to her?

 

I'm glad you are seeing her for what she is. Clearly delusional. Either in extreme denial or wires are crossed.

 

Manipulators will say and do anything to control the "manipulatee" and she's doing everything she can to bring the situation back under her control again. She knows she had the power before to reel you back in, so she's trying to reel you back in. It worked before, why wouldn't it work now???

[Chi townD]

Told ya it wouldn't be the last time you hear from her! I'm starting to think this girl is EXTREMELY bi-polar! Look, only you can decide what you want to do with her. But, think with your head and not your heart.

 

I can't believe that she invited you to a function where her boss would be. Hell, I would have broke NC for that, " Sorry, I can't go. That would be too expensive of an evening for me because I would need a lot of bail money after I knock that SOB out!!!"

 

WOW, I'm feeling very vendictive tonight!

Edited May 19, 2011 by Chi townD

[Ira]

off topic what does OM and OW stand for? sorry I am new here.

 

Yes you spent 5 yrs. Now spend 5, 10 or more and add some kids to the picture along with your home which she will get and some child support and you will look back on this and say "oh no I KNEW it but did not want to believe it".

 

Cut your losses and move on.

[Chi townD]

OM= Other Man

OW= Other Woman

[Ira]

Thanks Chi

[BetrayedPA]

Another five phone calls and an email last night. Saying she took things for granted and acted badly because she was resentful that it had been so long and we weren't engaged. Promises "this time" things will be different. Claims she has "already" taken steps because she realizes things now and it took this to happen to do so. Saying she still loves me, etc.

 

The worst part is, if I didn't KNOW her. I would actually believe it. But the problem is, I've heard this all a million times before. And, my guess is, the ONLY reason I'm getting it now is because I walked away. When everything was good or I was putting up with things; it was the complete opposite, "I can do whatever I want", "I'm not going to change", "take me for who I am or leave me".

 

When we got back together last time, it was basically the same thing. And, her "changing" lasted for a few weeks - then it was right back to the way it was before. In addition, I found out that her "realizing she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me last time" included still talking to other guys she met when we broke up and still calling/text/doing whatever else with her boss.

 

Plus, there is still the underlying issue, she refuses to admit to the affair and in her emails/messages it appears to me she is trying to sweep it under the table.

 

Very difficult situation. What do you do, when you want to believe a person can change and be honest? And they are making all sorts of effort. But in your head, you know it will ONLY be more of the same.

[FreeNow]

Very difficult situation. What do you do, when you want to believe a person can change and be honest? And they are making all sorts of effort. But in your head, you know it will ONLY be more of the same.

 

You might be expecting her to be something she's not. Akin to going into a lion's den wearing a meat suit and being surprised they try to eat you.

 

I'm guessing borderline personality disorder for her. I raised a family with a woman of similar behavior; that was a cluster foxtrot!

 

You've seen who she is and how she reacts. She can only hide her true nature for so long. *If* you convince yourself that she can change then you'll bring years of pain upon yourself and perhaps offspring as well.

 

Continue strict NC. Block texts and any other form of communication from her. Make it so you simply cannot receive communications from her; even if you wanted. Heal in a healthy way. You will look back in years to come and be thankful.

 

She's incapable of loving you, herself, or anyone else. Please don't bring that on yourself and future children. NC and carry on!

[BetrayedPA]

Well, it has been an interesting two months. I fought long and hard to maintain NC. Eventually, after a month, and repeated calling, stopping by, promises of change, crying, etc. I cracked. I agreed to listen.

 

I listened to stories about how she has changed so much and she doesn't even care if we get married anymore, that she just wants to be together. I listened to how I am the most important thing to her and she will do anything (quit her job, move in with me, show me all her call logs, etc.). I listened how this time it would be different, etc. I listened to how she read the book "The Secret" and she is changing her life for the better. And she is becoming a better person.

 

So, I gave in. I said I would try again. I would let her prove it to me that she has changed. And for a few weeks, it seemed like it was working. I actually thought to myself. Maybe she has changed? She started pushing me hard about wanting to move in with me again. Telling me it would be the only way that things would really work for us and help with our trust issues.

 

Last week she mentioned she wanted to go on vacation. She kept sending me flights and hotels for places she wanted to go. I did not want to go to any of those places but I did want to go on vacation. In the, I ended up booking a trip for us to the place she wanted to go because I thought it would be good for us to get away to somewhere. She offered to pay me back for her part of the trip later as money is currently somewhat tight for her (it has always been and I know this). She said she would pay me after she got her next pay check. I said not to worry about paying for half the trip, that she could just pay me the couple hundred dollars for her flight portion and I would take care of the rest and the hotel, etc. (which was $1,500+). I thought I was making a generous offer. And this would be fair considering I make more money than she does.

 

Last night she shows up at my house and asks me how much the flight was. I tell her a few hundred dollars. She balks at the price and tells me she can only give me $100 and will have to pay me back in monthly installments. That she will never have $300 (the flight price) at one time. Then she made a comment about how other people she knows don't make their girlfriends "pay for anything".

 

I found this strange, considering I have always paid for a majority of everything we have done and never made money an issue. Take this past week; she wanted to go to a nice dinner at a four star restaurant (I paid), she wanted to go to a nice bar (I paid), she wanted to go to a nice brunch (I paid for her and her friend) and another nice dinner (I paid again). And that despite the fact that she is tremendously in debt, on a weekly basis she goes out and buys $200 shoes and purses, etc. [she claims this is not the same because she is putting it on her credit card and that she lives every day to the fullest and works hard so she deserves to treat herself to luxuries]

 

It bothered me that she turned paying for a simple flight (which will probably be 1/20th of the total amount that would have been spent on the vacation) into a huge issue. Then when I have a bad reaction to this. She goes on to claim that I don't know what it's like not to have money, that I'm causing a problem, and that I should have known her financial situation.

 

Being the non-confrontational person, I reached out to her last night via txt after this all went down and said if she wanted to have an "adult" conversation about matters I would.

 

Her response, she feels like SHE can't do this anymore if I don't change. SHE feels like I don't support her. SHE feels like I am always looking to start an argument and then blame HER for it. Oh, and, that she shouldn't have seen me last night because she had such a "sad" day at the office and was not in the mood to be company to be with anyone.

 

I find out this morning from a friend-of-a-friend, the reason for the "sad" day at the office. The married boss she likely had an affair with; his father passed away the night before. And she, along with other co-workers and friends is attending the funeral today.

 

This was the first I had heard about it. Second-hand, after the fact. I already know what the response if questioned will be; "I didn't tell you because I didn't want it to be an issue" and "we're just good friends and all the other co-workers are sad about it too". Well, apparently it did cause an issue?

 

In closing, I try to write in the most non-biased fashion possible - as there are two sides to every story. But does any of this seem reasonable?

 

And, when it comes to money, I have always thought I have been very generous. Am I lacking in my logic, in that because I am the man and I make more, I should be paying for everything?

[geegirl]

You're asking the wrong questions and focusing on the little picture.

 

The big picture is that you're dealing and going to be dealing with the same unhealthy issues you went through the first go around. Round two.

 

Until you decide to rid yourself of this R, heal and find your confidence back again, you're going to be dealing with the same issues.

Edited June 17, 2011 by geegirl

[batsheba]

you are angry now, do not make harsh decisions.

but i suggest not to pursue with the engagement or with this woman altogether. trust issues are hard to resolve. might take forever and too much effort and painful regrets.

save yourself from the trouble of finding out more. do not listen to voicemails!

[Mr.Harris]

Well, it has been an interesting two months. I fought long and hard to maintain NC. Eventually, after a month, and repeated calling, stopping by, promises of change, crying, etc. I cracked. I agreed to listen.

 

I listened to stories about how she has changed so much and she doesn't even care if we get married anymore, that she just wants to be together. I listened to how I am the most important thing to her and she will do anything (quit her job, move in with me, show me all her call logs, etc.). I listened how this time it would be different, etc. I listened to how she read the book "The Secret" and she is changing her life for the better. And she is becoming a better person.

 

So, I gave in. I said I would try again. I would let her prove it to me that she has changed. And for a few weeks, it seemed like it was working. I actually thought to myself. Maybe she has changed? She started pushing me hard about wanting to move in with me again. Telling me it would be the only way that things would really work for us and help with our trust issues.

 

Last week she mentioned she wanted to go on vacation. She kept sending me flights and hotels for places she wanted to go. I did not want to go to any of those places but I did want to go on vacation. In the, I ended up booking a trip for us to the place she wanted to go because I thought it would be good for us to get away to somewhere. She offered to pay me back for her part of the trip later as money is currently somewhat tight for her (it has always been and I know this). She said she would pay me after she got her next pay check. I said not to worry about paying for half the trip, that she could just pay me the couple hundred dollars for her flight portion and I would take care of the rest and the hotel, etc. (which was $1,500+). I thought I was making a generous offer. And this would be fair considering I make more money than she does.

 

Last night she shows up at my house and asks me how much the flight was. I tell her a few hundred dollars. She balks at the price and tells me she can only give me $100 and will have to pay me back in monthly installments. That she will never have $300 (the flight price) at one time. Then she made a comment about how other people she knows don't make their girlfriends "pay for anything".

 

I found this strange, considering I have always paid for a majority of everything we have done and never made money an issue. Take this past week; she wanted to go to a nice dinner at a four star restaurant (I paid), she wanted to go to a nice bar (I paid), she wanted to go to a nice brunch (I paid for her and her friend) and another nice dinner (I paid again). And that despite the fact that she is tremendously in debt, on a weekly basis she goes out and buys $200 shoes and purses, etc. [she claims this is not the same because she is putting it on her credit card and that she lives every day to the fullest and works hard so she deserves to treat herself to luxuries]

 

It bothered me that she turned paying for a simple flight (which will probably be 1/20th of the total amount that would have been spent on the vacation) into a huge issue. Then when I have a bad reaction to this. She goes on to claim that I don't know what it's like not to have money, that I'm causing a problem, and that I should have known her financial situation.

 

Being the non-confrontational person, I reached out to her last night via txt after this all went down and said if she wanted to have an "adult" conversation about matters I would.

 

Her response, she feels like SHE can't do this anymore if I don't change. SHE feels like I don't support her. SHE feels like I am always looking to start an argument and then blame HER for it. Oh, and, that she shouldn't have seen me last night because she had such a "sad" day at the office and was not in the mood to be company to be with anyone.

 

I find out this morning from a friend-of-a-friend, the reason for the "sad" day at the office. The married boss she likely had an affair with; his father passed away the night before. And she, along with other co-workers and friends is attending the funeral today.

 

This was the first I had heard about it. Second-hand, after the fact. I already know what the response if questioned will be; "I didn't tell you because I didn't want it to be an issue" and "we're just good friends and all the other co-workers are sad about it too". Well, apparently it did cause an issue?

 

In closing, I try to write in the most non-biased fashion possible - as there are two sides to every story. But does any of this seem reasonable?

 

And, when it comes to money, I have always thought I have been very generous. Am I lacking in my logic, in that because I am the man and I make more, I should be paying for everything?

 

This is why you should've stayed in NO CONTACT with her, because during that time, and probably now she was with that loser.

 

And look at how badly she's still disrespecting you and trying to make you feel guilty over something petty. You practically showered her with gifts and money and did mostly everything for her but gets a stinking attitude when you want a favor.

 

This just goes to show how unremorseful she is for her cheating, and has absolutely no respect for you or herself.

 

Drop her and do not look back ever again. You should've used that NC time to heal and now you have to start over again.

[2sunny]

she manipulates and uses you as her excuse for her lack of integrity.

 

IF she were a decent gal - she wouldn't complain about a thing... she would also pay you back what she said she would. she's not keeping her word. she keeps secrets STILL.

 

run! IF you stay any longer - it's bound to be more of the same. MISERY! she feels entitled... those types of people will use you for everything they can suck from you. RUN!

 

you seem like a kind man... go find a kind woman. she is not that.

[dng]

And, when it comes to money, I have always thought I have been very generous. Am I lacking in my logic, in that because I am the man and I make more, I should be paying for everything?

 

Oh dear. Run RUn RUN!

 

RUN!

 

I'm 12 months out of a relationship with someone that could be her, we were together for more than 5 years.

 

She did exactly, to a T, the same things you mention. Weird associations with other males from work comes to mind. She never admitted to any wrongdoing, it was all in my head, I was paranoid. She never cut off contact with him until HE left work and she was sad for a while.

 

She constantly lied about everything, small or big, because "if I told you, you'd get upset so its easier for us that way".

 

Constantly pressured me to pay for everything and how it was unfair to her since she made less money, however she always had money to go drink with her friends and keep her multiple wardrobes filled with stuff that still had tags on and she had so much she never wore alot of it.

 

Constantly told me about how her friends didnt have to pay for anything, this one or that one was getting engaged.

 

Told me she didnt want to get married but would like an engagement ring....

 

I was waiting for her change, exactly like you, before pulling the trigger on that. She used the same reasoning on me that she used on you - she told you married would mean she'd change - she told me after 25 she'd change, blah blah blah.

 

She told me if we had kids everything would be different and she would never have left, etc.

 

I left her once and she went ballastic with the emails, calls, etc. Cried and cried about how everything would be different this time around. I took her back and that was like 5 years ago, I dont remember all the details but I do remember she left for 2 weeks not long after and she almost never came back.

 

The only period where she was stable was when we moved to another city and she was away from her friends, not drinking and focused on school. She did extremely well too, to a point where I wonder what was actually doing to get such amazing grades, she never felt booksmart to me but she was very smart when it came to manipulating and the likes.

 

Very, very good looking, amazing figure...

 

She left on a break, took stuff, borrowed money (she was broke because of me, she said, and I wasnt into any emotional shape to refuse).

 

I really wanted her back for about 6 months, then I got angry and told her to get stuffed. Another campaign of emails and calls followed but I resisted this time around.

 

She's left me alone completely now. Probably latched on someone else. I still miss her PRESENCE but not her.

 

Do the 6 months of pain because let me tell you one thing about them, they never change.

 

She already did the bait and switch on you and reverted back to her controlling ways, putting you down to get what she wants.

 

Its amazing how this experience is actually a pattern in human behavior and not something unique that happened to me.

[2sunny]

sounds like you guys are describing women who just want a man to pay her way... that's not enough. then they beg and plead to take them back sooooo THEY can take advantage of you even more!

 

stop allowing them to take advantage!

 

tell your gal- that you will take HER back when SHE intends to pay YOUR way! see how quickly she runs from that.

 

seriously, these women like this need to learn to stop using and manipulating men.

 

who cares if they are attractive? - looks don't give ANY person the right to be a user and a taker.

[dng]

Oh yeah, more things come to mind.

 

She was going to change AFTER we had kids, total baiting. She was also 100% about getting married and starting a family, like really commited to that in words but not in actions.

 

Same as yours. She said those things but doesnt act in a way to secure them at all, quite the contrary.

 

What does that tell you?

 

Now that I'm out of the fog. This whole wedding/family affair was the only thing I wasnt 100% sure I wanted to do with her because of the way she behaved, the way I never felt she was 100% commited so that was the weakness, that was the nail she was hitting on the hardest.

 

Who knows if its really what she wants or if she'll ever get it.

 

Nothing is ever her fault anyway and to the outside world we appeared as the perfect couple everybody wants.

 

I dont think she ever loved me, she was dependant on me and its not the same.

 

After she left she told me on the phone numerous times she was really looking for a boyfriend, it was her #1 priority, how she was miss commitment... How all she could think about was sex now.

 

Button pushing behavior.

 

Nowadays I really hate what she is, we have nothing left. I dont want to stay in contact with her at all, honestly each time I read the paper and I see a title "2 dead in a fire" in her city, I secretly wish she's dead.

 

Mostly I'm mad at myself for letting this go on for SO long. I swallowed so many lies and in truth I will never know what she was really up to.

 

All in all, a very traumatic experience.

 

Same as you, she made me constantly doubt my instincts and second guess myself. What if, what if. It aggrevates me so much to think I was nothing special to her and she was probably making other guys feel special, too.

 

I know for a fact she never discussed our breakup with anyone much. To me, she said she was in horrible pain, regretted, etc, but to the external world, to her mom and friends, she moved on in a matter of weeks if not days, was with someone else right away.

 

So again, run run and run. Abandon her. She wont mind for real, just to you.

[usabup]

Well, it has been an interesting two months. I fought long and hard to maintain NC. Eventually, after a month, and repeated calling, stopping by, promises of change, crying, etc. I cracked. I agreed to listen.

 

I listened to stories about how she has changed so much and she doesn't even care if we get married anymore, that she just wants to be together. I listened to how I am the most important thing to her and she will do anything (quit her job, move in with me, show me all her call logs, etc.). I listened how this time it would be different, etc. I listened to how she read the book "The Secret" and she is changing her life for the better. And she is becoming a better person.

 

So, I gave in. I said I would try again. I would let her prove it to me that she has changed. And for a few weeks, it seemed like it was working. I actually thought to myself. Maybe she has changed? She started pushing me hard about wanting to move in with me again. Telling me it would be the only way that things would really work for us and help with our trust issues.

 

Last week she mentioned she wanted to go on vacation. She kept sending me flights and hotels for places she wanted to go. I did not want to go to any of those places but I did want to go on vacation. In the, I ended up booking a trip for us to the place she wanted to go because I thought it would be good for us to get away to somewhere. She offered to pay me back for her part of the trip later as money is currently somewhat tight for her (it has always been and I know this). She said she would pay me after she got her next pay check. I said not to worry about paying for half the trip, that she could just pay me the couple hundred dollars for her flight portion and I would take care of the rest and the hotel, etc. (which was $1,500+). I thought I was making a generous offer. And this would be fair considering I make more money than she does.

 

Last night she shows up at my house and asks me how much the flight was. I tell her a few hundred dollars. She balks at the price and tells me she can only give me $100 and will have to pay me back in monthly installments. That she will never have $300 (the flight price) at one time. Then she made a comment about how other people she knows don't make their girlfriends "pay for anything".

 

I found this strange, considering I have always paid for a majority of everything we have done and never made money an issue. Take this past week; she wanted to go to a nice dinner at a four star restaurant (I paid), she wanted to go to a nice bar (I paid), she wanted to go to a nice brunch (I paid for her and her friend) and another nice dinner (I paid again). And that despite the fact that she is tremendously in debt, on a weekly basis she goes out and buys $200 shoes and purses, etc. [she claims this is not the same because she is putting it on her credit card and that she lives every day to the fullest and works hard so she deserves to treat herself to luxuries]

 

It bothered me that she turned paying for a simple flight (which will probably be 1/20th of the total amount that would have been spent on the vacation) into a huge issue. Then when I have a bad reaction to this. She goes on to claim that I don't know what it's like not to have money, that I'm causing a problem, and that I should have known her financial situation.

 

Being the non-confrontational person, I reached out to her last night via txt after this all went down and said if she wanted to have an "adult" conversation about matters I would.

 

Her response, she feels like SHE can't do this anymore if I don't change. SHE feels like I don't support her. SHE feels like I am always looking to start an argument and then blame HER for it. Oh, and, that she shouldn't have seen me last night because she had such a "sad" day at the office and was not in the mood to be company to be with anyone.

 

I find out this morning from a friend-of-a-friend, the reason for the "sad" day at the office. The married boss she likely had an affair with; his father passed away the night before. And she, along with other co-workers and friends is attending the funeral today.

 

This was the first I had heard about it. Second-hand, after the fact. I already know what the response if questioned will be; "I didn't tell you because I didn't want it to be an issue" and "we're just good friends and all the other co-workers are sad about it too". Well, apparently it did cause an issue?

 

In closing, I try to write in the most non-biased fashion possible - as there are two sides to every story. But does any of this seem reasonable?

 

And, when it comes to money, I have always thought I have been very generous. Am I lacking in my logic, in that because I am the man and I make more, I should be paying for everything?

 

Mate, the fact that your back on this board says it all......you can sense what is coming.

 

When times were good you were off enjoying life. When you start to have your doubts your back writing on here.

 

Run away from this women as fast as you can. I think you know deep down it's for the best. You can't live like this.

[BetrayedPA]

Well, I had a conversation with her last night. She claimed that she is tired of me "causing fights" and I am 100% responsible - she has no blame - for any argument since she has "changed to be a better person". That if there are any issues - I have caused them.

 

She claims any actions she may have taken that seemed negative were because I solely "pissed her off".

 

What amazes me is - despite this whole assertion of change and being a better person and crying and saying I was the only person she wanted to be with - there is ALWAYS something wrong.

 

Issues with the boss again. Catching her in little slip ups about things she said. Claiming that she does no wrong. The general feeling that she's doing something deceitful behind the scenes and not telling the truth. But again, none of it can be proven and she always has a reason for it.

 

Interestingly enough, the conversation turned again to money. While, over the past 5 years, I have taken her on extravagent vacations for her birthday, holidays, etc. (beaches, ski resorts, foreign countries, etc.), pay for every nice dinner/going out, etc., she feels like I should pay for more. Her exact words: I have many friends whose boyfriends pay for "everything". "I believe the man, especially one who makes much more than the woman, should pay for everything in a relationship".

 

That I should be taking her on vacations and buying her things "not just for her birthday or special occassions" - but randomly as well. That I also just have never "bought her something", like Tiffany diamond earings which she has wanted for years, NOT for a birthday or holiday. And that, she should have been allowed to live with me when we lived together without paying rent. Because, her friends have told her that this was not right and she knows other people in similiar situations that don't pay rent.

All of this concerns me. Also whereas she previously had been pushing so hard to move in with me because it is the only way that things will work for us and pay a small portion of my rent. She now claims that she thinks it would be a better option to move in with her sister - granted it is almost an hour from the area where we live and work now but still be together - where she can live for free and pay off all her debts. Or, that I should let her move in with me and pay less than she initally offered.

 

Without stating the obvious, that she is probably a gold digger, still doing the same things, etc. and my best option in this situation is to lose her and go NC. Is her viewpoint, that the man should pay for everything, reasonable? Or am I completely out of line? I do have friends that pay for everything. I also have friends that don't. When I asked what I get out of paying for everything for her and buying her things/taking her on trips, her response; "My company". And, I could almost see her thought process; there are millions of men out there who would pay for everything just to be with a young woman as attractive as I am. And, the truth is, she's probably right.