Found Out Tonight My Fiance is Having an Affair With Her Married Boss What do I do?

[BetrayedPA]

Unfortunately, she works for a small company. Her boss is the owner. And there is one other partner; who is his best friend.

 

And, as far as telling his wife. I am sure, just like my fiance did. They will both deny it. And blame the correspondence on work and "friends". Without a copy of the message. Or evidence of catching them in the act. I have no proof. If you think my had was spinning when my fiance denied it even after I personally heard the message. What do you think the wife would say; without even hearing the message. I am sure they both would claim my fiance dumped me and I was trying to get back at her.

[xpaperxcutx]

Unfortunately, she works for a small company. Her boss is the owner. And there is one other partner; who is his best friend.

 

And, as far as telling his wife. I am sure, just like my fiance did. They will both deny it. And blame the correspondence on work and "friends". Without a copy of the message. Or evidence of catching them in the act. I have no proof. If you think my had was spinning when my fiance denied it even after I personally heard the message. What do you think the wife would say; without even hearing the message. I am sure they both would claim my fiance dumped me and I was trying to get back at her.

 

It's called planting seeds. By telling the wife, you're making her aware of infidelities and planting doubt. Who cares if they decide to lie and make you out to be the bad guy, you're only doing it to break ties.

 

As for your fiancee, please do as others have told you, go to her parents and tell them you're breaking off the engagement and breaking up with her for her infidelities. You really need to burn bridges if you're going to walk out of this with your dignity intact.

[Chi townD]

I know you don't want to do it. I know you still love her. I know that you've invested a lot into this relationship. But dude....the writing is on the wall. If everything was okay you wouldn't have even posted in here.

[The_411]

BetrayedPA,

 

Sorry to hear this man. I've had this happen to me before. Right now you're going through classic denial of what's happening. I, too snooped, through my ex's phone and realized she was cheating. I went through this phase for a short while (very short) before ending things getting out of the lease. I was still questioning things for a while afterwards.

 

At this point you're coming up with any sort of reason why it can't be happening despite all the massive circumstanial evidence to the contrary.

 

However, let's just assume for a second she wasn't cheating. Why in the world did she lie about the message and then delete it and accuse you of being a liar suggesting that there was no such message?

 

That in and of itself should be enough for anyone to run away from this woman.

 

You should be pissed at her for trying to insult your intelligence and gaslighting you.

 

Damn straight you tell her parents and you tell them exactly why you're taking the ring back and why you two aren't getting married. They need to know they have a hor for a daughter.

 

The moment you feel the need to snoop the relationship is over.

[Jerrica]

I wouldn't even bother questioning the cheating part, look at the facts that you DO know. She LIED. Regardless if she cheated or not, the fact that she lied means who knows what else she could be lying about? If she did cheat, she sure won't admit it.

 

If you stay with her, you will spend your time in worry and anxiety about what she's doing, who she's talking to and you'll never know what is the truth.

 

I know you are still in the denial stage, I suggest telling her you need time, a few weeks to clear your head until you start thinking more clearly. See how she acts during this time and then you'll get your answer.

[whichwayisup]

I guess the question would be; if you knew your significant other had an affair with a married man at some point. But that it was likely over now. Would you give it a chance to reconcile?

 

IF I were in your shoes and possibly considering giving her ONE chance, she would 1)have to quit her job immediately to prove to me that she was serious about fixing things. 2)do counselling. With me and on her own. 3)Call of the wedding completely, slow things down and take it day by day, all depending on how remorseful she was and what effort she was putting in.

 

Look, the bottomline is, you broke up before, you had trust issues back then. Now, you find out she's cheated on you. And she's 'truth trickling'. There's alot more you don't know about.

 

This woman has shown you over and over again who she is. Right now she is reacting and acting out of desparation! She will 'say' anything. What will count is her actions.. she doesn't want to lose you, yet she doesn't want to let go of the MM/boss. Or her job.

[dreamingoftigers]

Wow, dude, you keep defending her and doubting yourself....

 

Let's try a little reverse psychology, shall we?

 

There has got to be a perfectly innocent explanation for all of this:

 

Perhaps he didn't say "princess" perhaps he said "priestess" because they do seances to talk to the dead and that's why he is seeing her.

 

She can't tell you this because it is all part of the "code" and she doesn't want the spirits to target you.

 

They may have already been doing so by planting fake phone messages and making you think that you heard them and saw the logs.

 

If you leave this alone and pretend that it didn't happen, the bad spirits will stop messing with you and her.

 

Problem solved.

[BetrayedPA]

She showed up at my house last night. Said she wanted to talk. Wanted to apologize and again admit she lied about the message. Said she lied because the message "sounded" bad. And she knew how she would react if she heard it. She said she was wrong as her initial instinct was to lie because she didn't know how to explain it. She said she was mad that I checked her voicemail and invaded her privacy, that is why she continued to deny it and her first reaction was to blame it on me instead of explaining.

 

She claimed again and to my face multiple times that she has NEVER had a sexual relationship or affair with her boss. Instead they are VERY close friends, who know all the details of each others lives and talk constantly at the office. That they may talk late at night and she admitted that it could likely be seen as inappropriate (at least on his end because he is married), but that SHE is just friends with him and has never been with him physically. She reiterated that she would never be with a married man.

 

She claimed that he was incoherently drunk when he left the message, and that the "I miss you" and "miss being with you" was because they spend all day together at the office. She also said that he never said "sorry I couldn't be with you tonight". I thought I heard something to this effect, but can't remember. He may have said "sorry, I couldn't be there today" (i.e. the work event). But again I swear he said "tonight".

 

She said she told him about this whole thing and he was so upset that it caused us to break up. He wanted to call to apologize and confirm that there is absolutely nothing going on. But she told him not to.

 

She also claimed that the one time she called him at 2:58am for seven minutes was when she was drunk and she left him a rambling voicemail. I remember this evening, she also left me a long drunk message. Other than that, there have been a few calls and messages (every other week) after work hours; sometimes around 10pm. She claimed that this was either them talking as friends but mostly related to work.

 

I confronted her multiple times and said there is no reason a married man would leave a message at 1am saying "I miss you" and "miss being with you". Unless, there was something going on. Or, had gone on. She adamantly denied it. Reasserting she would never be with a married man with two kids.

 

To prove her innocence she gave me her password to her AT&T account and gave me permission to check ANY of her call or txts records for anytime.

 

At this point, my instinct tells me she's still lying. It just doesn't add up. Married men don't leave messages like that, even when completely drunk, unless something happened. But, she is being transparent?

[carhill]

Really? How so?

 

I told her exactly what I needed from her (emotional support and intimacy) for two years and then, not receiving it, I told her I would seek it out elsewhere.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ya for your own benefit.

 

No, it was for both our benefits. Clearly communicating so we could make healthy choices. We had long been incompatible but I tolerated it because I was caregiving and that was Job#1. That's what I spent over a year in MC doing.

 

 

Good for her divorcing and moving on. Sounds like a strong healthy woman, there.

 

Yes, good for her. She had already been involved with someone all along, I would later discover. Too trusting and naive, I was. He began living with her in the home she received in the divorce right around the time the divorce became final.

 

 

I'm sure it was.

 

Yes, we both have what we want now.

 

BTW, I miss Dexter Morgan.

 

 

An interesting aside is, for the OP, that the 'OW' in this situation later revealed to me that she was f*cking her boss while she was a MW a generation ago and had used me for a shield to end that association. That blatant honesty helped me end any emotional bond which had remained over the years. So, one gold digger and one emotional whore gone and health and sanity have returned. Positive outcome

 

OP, if she wants to reconcile in a healthy way, she'll take positive actions. A good one would be leaving that job.

[NXS]

Betrayed, cut your losses and get away from this woman, she's a liar and cheater. If you think 5 years investment is bad what do you think another 10, with children and divorce lawyers, is going to be??

 

Get out now, face the pain and move on.

[2sunny]

i'll tell you this. throughout my young years i was a major flirt with every man- and never - and i mean never - did any boss EVER leave me any sort of message like the one he left her. but then again - i never gave them indications of being THAT close to them.

 

and it looks like she drinks too much - and hangs out with folks that do the same thing. a drunk call is an indicator that things are out of balance.

 

when there is nothing to hide - they hide nothing.

 

she's already been hiding things. that should tell you everything you need to know. then she blames it on you in order to not get caught... well - marry her and get more of the same... this is when she's on her best behavior. is this the best you want out of life?

 

she will lie - that's for sure... because she's been hiding things.

 

since she has given evidence that this is her code of conduct - are you willing to live with this woman knowing this is the behavior that represents herself? i hope not.

[Graceful]

You've already gotten good advice, so I don't have anything to add other than this entire thread gave my nerves a workout. I was cheated on and lied to and I have super radar for anything on this level. Believe me.

 

Do yourself a favor, end it and don't look back. Take care of all the details, and even if you lose some money in the process, you're better off losing a few dollars than being with a liar. Make it clear you are done, and when you are finished with the details, go NC and go forward.

 

She's shown you who she is in living color. House of cards. What more is there to know?

 

What you have is a deal breaker. Done and done. Won't be easy, but take comfort in knowing you are doing the right thing by ending it, and the sooner the better. Take care.

[dreamingoftigers]

BTW, I miss Dexter Morgan.

 

I second this. He held strong opinions but was pretty supportive at times and did have some balance even though many may have disagreed with the 'black and white' stance he held. He seemed to attack the behaviour and the potential motivations behind it instead of directly attacking the poster as a whole person or twisting up a whole set of events to shape his own theories. He wasn't a fan of cheating, which was obvious but it wasn't so dark and twisted as some opinions and scenarios I have seen from other posters, especially newer ones.

 

I wonder if we will see him again.

 

OP, if she wants to reconcile in a healthy way, she'll take positive actions. A good one would be leaving that job.

 

There are those cheaters who come out with it and settle accounts. OP I wish you the best and apologize if my posting has cone off as self-serving, self-righteous or insulting to your intelligence.

 

You gf seems to be the type of cheater that will make you fight tooth and nail for the whole truth. I married that type of cheater and fear that by you stating with her that you are in for a whole relationship full of surprises, smoke, mirrors, fake steps forward, real steps back, defensiveness, blaming, shaming, "rights to privacy" and a whole lot of loneliness never knowing where you truly stand. I always recommend to anyone without children or marriage to run from this type of cheater. She has had a certain amount of time to cut the situation off completely and ask what you need to see from her in order to restore trust. When it comes to this type of chester, they will not offer you anything that will jeopardize their cheating. For instance, my husband insisted getting monitoring software and both our laptop and iPhone to regain my trust. He has already bought himself two other laptops which he stored in the garage to use.

 

Her offering you her A T&T password simply means that she will no longer use that as a tool to cheat. It would be used as a distraction and a gaslighting technique, " I am not cheating, you can even check my cell phone, that's why I gave it to you, because I am squeaky clean, you are paranoid and you are making me feel soooo bad. That is so mean of you."

 

Every Sunday I would review those damn software logs and he would sit there miserable at me that "I just couldn't trust him" while he was betraying me every single time he left the house or I did, and often when I fell asleep he would creep over me and go to his activities. I am sure that I don't know the half to this day.

 

You may think that your situation is nothing like mine and that there us no way that she could be "that bad."

 

Your posting triggered me to post the way I did because quite frankly, she reeks of the same pattern. I don't post that way too often and don't tell many posters that whatsoever, but in your case..... She is big trouble and you are holding some of the attitudes that I used to.

 

I hope that you will listen or at least put your foot down hard about her quitting her job. If you are half as stubborn in love as I am though I have a feeling that you will defend her all the way to your trip to Hell together.

 

Forgive any spelling or grammar errors, typing on iPhone isn't my forte.

[Chi townD]

so your girlfriend called her boss. Told him everything that happened. To me, that sounds like lets get our stories straight so we're on the same page. this guy is probably crapping himself thinking your gonna contact his wife. Did he sound drunk in the voicwmail meesage? I'm guessing he didn't.

 

Look she's had enough time to get her story straight and having you believe her story makes sense and sounding true and plausable.

 

Look, I know you want to forgive her and move on with her. You love her..I get it. You don't want to end it because you've invested a lot of time with her. And she doesn't want to end it because I figure EVERYONE you two know, knows an engagement is happening very soon and she doesn't want to explain why it's not gonna happen.

 

I would ask her for a polygraph just to put your mind at ease and you two can go forward. Tell her you realize it's probably gonna be a waste of money but it would be a small price to pay for piece of mind. If she baulks or refuses. There's more to this story.

[dreamingoftigers]

Dammit I forgot about polygraph ^^^^ smart one Chi

 

OP, as well if she wasn't in cahoots with her boss, she could've sat down right there on speaker phone and called him with you giving her the opening lines in case they had a plan for that.

 

My mother did that to my Dad when she caught a report on the hotel he was using. He claimed he rented it on certain days for someone. My mother knew that that someone didn't need to be in town a particular weekend so she put the phone on speaker phone and had my father ask about his name being registered that particular date. The lady said that he wasn't registered for the date in question..... My Dad sat back and smugly smiled and thanked her.... Then the lady said.... "but xxxx's name (his girlfriend's) was registered her on that date. Did you need of booking for you two on that date?". BUSTED.

 

Mom isn't very good with paperwork and asked me to check through some records. I thought I had found another hotel that was being used and told mom, well she went ballistic and confronted him about it and he admitted it (thus lengthening the supposed timeline of the affair as well). Then he gave the name of the hotel, it didn't match. It turned out that the name I found wasn't a hotel at all and I accidentally busted him again.

 

Many ways to skin a cheating cat.

[carhill]

How is it cheating if the person is disclosed, azzhole Dexter?

 

I'm here to help people learn, not to put up with the likes of you. Take your shyte to PM if you want to deal with me. Otherwise, you'll go away.

Edited April 23, 2011 by carhill

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh, did he go away?

[carhill]

End of December 2010.

[dreamingoftigers]

End of December 2010.

 

I meant the newer guy....

 

Yeah I knew D_M went away, what I meant when I said I wondered if we would ever see him again was pretty much the way he posted etc.

 

Was more balanced before "the fall."

 

Now there is this newer poster who appears to be overreading into so many things and kind of rampaging.

 

Something must have happened or the traumatic loop really dug into some tender parts.

[carhill]

I really have no idea and this isn't helping the OP find his path to a healthy resolution.

 

Here's the part which drove my initial responses:

 

She claimed that I was crazy and accusing her of something that I had no bounds. She got very defensive and insulted me and said I issues for checking her phone.

 

That gaslighting and blame-shifting is unconscionable, IMO; even more than the cheating, it's using the intimacy one has with their partner as a weapon to deceive and subvert. Those actions compound an already wrong and inappropriate action.

[dreamingoftigers]

I really have no idea and this isn't helping the OP find his path to a healthy resolution.

 

Thread intermission....happens all the time.

 

Here's the part which drove my initial responses:

 

 

 

That gaslighting and blame-shifting is unconscionable, IMO; even more than the cheating, it's using the intimacy one has with their partner as a weapon to deceive and subvert. Those actions compound an already wrong and inappropriate action.

 

That's a big part of what blipped on my radar. The insistence about the message not even existing is huge. That is a pattern of behaviour that is very disturbing. Telling you that something you literally experienced, simply didn't exist at all!

[LucreziaBorgia]

She is going to continue cheating on you for the rest of your lives together. At least until no one wants to f*ck her anymore. Why? Because you are letting her get away with it. Every. Single. Time.

 

She knows what to say and do to get away with it. And worse yet, uses your denial and your faith in her to do it. I used to gaslight like that all the time. Once you get away with it the first time, it is pretty easy to continue - particularly if you know the person you are gaslighting isn't going anywhere.

 

Run. Seriously.

[timchambo]

Its stories like these that remind me how crooked my ex probably was. When she left out of the blue to "be single" that was strange. Did a little homework and come to find out she is pursuing 1 guy, and had already tried with another. She claims the guy she "didn't leave me for" was just a friend. Then she claims her advances toward another guy were a "mis-interpreted joke" which she just so happened to try to cover up. I never thought she was a cheater, but the constant excuses only further solidified it.

 

These are just incredibly selfish people, and I know the best for both of us is to move on no matter what they say about trying again. I also invested the best years of my life in my ex. Best of luck man.

[dreamingoftigers]

 

Same can be said for the likes of you, who encourage selfish behavior.

 

I don't make deals with folks of your amoral caliber.

 

Swallow your own advice because you seriously need it.

 

Carhill is encouraging selfish behaviour, :lmao::lmao: GTFOH.:lmao:

 

Yeah, Carhill's record is full of people who have been shamed and blamed and slammed. He doesn't help anyone one this board or welcome them to LS ever.

 

Dude, who isn't under your scrutiny?

[SoleMate]

There is no need to call the fiancee a "slut" or "trash".

 

There is, however, the need to separate yourself from her permanently. Think of it as ripping off a Bandaid. It hurts less that way, in the end.