Found Out Tonight My Fiance is Having an Affair With Her Married Boss What do I do?

[Chi townD]

Save those voicemails. Everytime you think about responding. Listen to those first, I think it will help change your mind. Everytime you have the urge to contact her. ost here instead, vent to us! We'll listen and you'll feel better after. Trust us! Go NC. You're doing the right thing.

[BetrayedPA]

Honestly, it's exactly what I expected. Her response when confronted by something is to ALWAYS get mad, insult and berate the other person and then blame them for everything. After five years, right now I know EXACTLY what's going through her head; "This is his fault not mine", "I don't need to put up with this," "I didn't do anything wrong". She is hardwired this way and I could never understand it. Won't apologize, refuses to take any blame, always thinks she's right...

[2sunny]

because you put up with her selfish, self serving nature. because you allow her to be the total jerk she intends to be to any man she keeps around... and cheats on while she works over other men - so she can get what she wants from them at the same time she's screwing you over.

 

she the kind of gal that give women a bad name...

 

and i repeat... dump her - run! far away! she's bad news!

 

stop being her doormat!

[geegirl]

Honestly, it's exactly what I expected. Her response when confronted by something is to ALWAYS get mad, insult and berate the other person and then blame them for everything. After five years, right now I know EXACTLY what's going through her head; "This is his fault not mine", "I don't need to put up with this," "I didn't do anything wrong". She is hardwired this way and I could never understand it. Won't apologize, refuses to take any blame, always thinks she's right...

 

So, what are you going to do about it? Instead of just talking about her, what are your next steps?

[kaycstamper]

She has some serious problems and is very immature, possibly unbalanced. Block her from phone, email, FB, everything and move on! She's scary!

[fetish]

One thing i can't stand is when something's bothering you and a person (your mate) just acts like you're just supposed to shut up about it and sweep it under the rug and forget about it. Then they flip it and make it your fault when they're the ones who screwed up.

 

This girl not only cheated, but lied, and further insults you by trying to tell you that you have issues. This is the type of a girl that could drive a nice man to whoppin her a$$! A typical drama queen.

 

run fast.

[vsmini]

I want to call your girl a name that isn't very proper for me to say but it's very fitting for her.

 

It's the C-word. If anyone fit that word....it's her.

[whichwayisup]

So, after constantly going over everything that has happened in my head. I called her and told her I needed "a break" from us. That I couldn't deal with something constantly being wrong, the lying, the acting out, etc. That I needed some time to think about it and we could talk in a few days.

 

Her response. Sent me a 100 text messages varying from everything to telling me "I need to figure it out that night or we're done", calling me "immature", "bi-polar", "insecure", telling me I belonged with all the other "losers" my age who weren't married and that I needed to stop acting like a "b**tch", that "of course I would do something like this because I was selfish". In between the messages she called me probably twenty times. Each time I didn't answer I would get a text telling me I was a "child" and "immature".

 

She concluded by texting me that I "was the one that had the problem", that "I was the one who couldn't get over things" and that "I had issues that no one was EVER going to put up with".

 

Then the calls and texts stopped. Haven't heard from her since last night. And I didn't respond.

 

She is freaking out. And making you the bad guy..Even though she IS the bad guy here..Not you! You just stood up for yourself and put your foot down. She's reacting like a spoiled brat and threw a hissy fit.

 

So, let her. She is not thinking clearly at all and the way she's been for the past xx months/weeks, proves it.

 

Sorry that you're hurting.

[0hpenelope]

So, after constantly going over everything that has happened in my head. I called her and told her I needed "a break" from us. That I couldn't deal with something constantly being wrong, the lying, the acting out, etc. That I needed some time to think about it and we could talk in a few days.

 

Her response. Sent me a 100 text messages varying from everything to telling me "I need to figure it out that night or we're done", calling me "immature", "bi-polar", "insecure", telling me I belonged with all the other "losers" my age who weren't married and that I needed to stop acting like a "b**tch", that "of course I would do something like this because I was selfish". In between the messages she called me probably twenty times. Each time I didn't answer I would get a text telling me I was a "child" and "immature".

 

She concluded by texting me that I "was the one that had the problem", that "I was the one who couldn't get over things" and that "I had issues that no one was EVER going to put up with".

 

Then the calls and texts stopped. Haven't heard from her since last night. And I didn't respond.

 

100 text messages? 100. Really now.

 

I would also like to re-emphasize boundaries. Again, you teach people how to treat you. I hope you won't give in and thank goodness you haven't responded!

 

Honestly, it's exactly what I expected. Her response when confronted by something is to ALWAYS get mad, insult and berate the other person and then blame them for everything. After five years, right now I know EXACTLY what's going through her head; "This is his fault not mine", "I don't need to put up with this," "I didn't do anything wrong". She is hardwired this way and I could never understand it. Won't apologize, refuses to take any blame, always thinks she's right...

Yeah she needs some growing up to do herself. Her opinion is you need to work on yourself and she needs to take a good look in the mirror to see another person who needs to reassess herself as well.

Edited May 13, 2011 by 0hpenelope

[ganbare]

Wow, this is the very definition of "gaslighting".

 

BetrayedPA, I'm glad you finally went NC. I seriously think you should run...not walk...to a therapist. You need someone in your corner who is objective and can help you stay grounded. I was with a toxic person for 1 1/2 years and I ended up seeing a therapist. You have been involved in this toxic mess for five so I think it could help you as well!

 

Hang in there and be strong.

[ate_the_paint]

Holy s**t, this is quite the story, although I wasn't surprised that she went toxic on you when you broke it off. I know the type (we all do).

 

Congrats on breaking it off. Seriously. Congrats. You owe yourself something for doing that, because you just saved your future.

[BetrayedPA]

Yes, it's extremely difficult. Don't get me wrong, I am no angel. And have no problem admitting that. I have lied to her in the past, invaded her privacy based on mistrust and have been my share of difficult - likely based on lingering issues from the various fallouts. But the one thing I ALWAYS did was put her first before me and was always loyal to her. I always wanted to work things out with her, I always apologized, I always took the extra step because she was the most important person to me. Her response was always to only care about herself.

 

It's interesting you mentioned "gaslighting". I had never heard of it. In my mind, because I had been with her for five years and thought she loved me above all else, I always found an excuse for her actions or justified it based on what she said. It made me think I was always at fault.

 

For example, she was texting other guys at 2am. I justified it by saying they could just be friends and it didn't mean anything. Or, that I was just overly jealous. Or, that I had ever so often texted some girl too that she wouldn't like so it was ok. Or, that things were on the rocks for us at that point, so she was justified.

 

Or, when she was receiving inappropriate messages from her boss and calling/texting him at 1am. I justified it by believing her that nothing happened and they just had a "close" relationship. I told myself there is no way this girl would be planning on marrying me and having an affair with her boss. Or, when she lied about it to my face. I justified it by saying maybe I would have lied about it too.

 

Or, when she would get drunk and act out mean to me and act like she didn't care to be there. I justified it by saying I could have caused the fight and ill feelings at the time because I was upset and may have been acting poorly. That she may just have been responding.

 

Based on her actions of NEVER admitting to be wrong and blaming everything on me (i.e. what is currently going on is my fault, and my inability to put the past behind us, and my being too sensitive about things, etc.) it still runs through my mind RIGHT NOW that all this is my fault. And, that we could have a great/happy relationship and be married if I weren't so "insecure", "difficult", etc.

[JimmyB26]

Go to this site and look through the resources there. She is an abuser, possibly either Narcisstic Personality Disordered or Borderline Personality Disordered:

 

www.shrink4men.com

[Chi townD]

Good Lord Dude, how is any of this your fault? You didn't have an inappropriate relationship with your boss, you didn't text girls at one or two in the morning. Yeah, you snooped through some of her stuff to find answers to what is going on in YOUR RELATIONSHIP! Shouldn't have to feel guilty about it, because if she was being loyal to you, you shouldn't have had to!

 

Is she still calling and texting you?

[neverendingdrama]

You can rip the band aid off now or you can wait and be fully vested in a marriage. Open your eyes , you deserve more. You are accepting her behavior and that is why she is acting that way. It is always nice when a liar comes back on you when confronted. Had that happen a million times.

 

Do you seriously want to be married , possibly have kids , buy a house and find out a repeat pattern of what you are seeing now ? You will be 40 years old ( maybe younger ) and you will THAN be starting over only without - your children , your money , your house and most important an ounce of self worth.

 

Try figuring life out than ... it is going to suck.

 

Definately contact the bosses wife and her parents. They deserve to know the truth.

 

Good luck !

[BetrayedPA]

No. She hasn't contacted me again. It's been over 24 hours. She had a stag/bachelorette party at the beach she was leaving for today with her friends, so I'm guessing she's just having a good time. If/when I ever hear from her again it won't be for a few days until after she gets back.

 

But knowing her after five years, and based on her initial response when I caught her lying about the voicemail (which was basically "I'm glad this happened/I don't deserve this/I don't want to be with someone like you"), her opinion right now is to only care about herself, think she's in the right and act mad. She would NEVER apologize or come groveling. It would just NEVER happen. So most likely, I won't hear from her again. More than likely she's already lining up other guys to be with. That's just her m.o. She always told me when complaining why we weren't married yet, that she could go find a rich guy to marry her in a matter of months. That there were guys who would jump at the chance.

 

What is my fault, is letting this go on for so long. Every time something happened, I just said to myself; she'll grow out of this she's just immature. Or, she won't act like this forever. Or, someone who has dated me for five years and says they want to marry me, can't be having an affair with her boss or cheating on me or only care about herself, etc.

 

And, to be honest. I stayed with her mostly because I didn't want to waste the five years I spent and how physically attractive she was. Not sure what it says about me or society in general, but if she was ugly, I would have never put up with the half of it. And, I know she gets away with murder in the rest of her life because of how she looks. Men just seem to put up with her rudeness/drunkness/lack of decency/lack of effort to do things for other people, etc. solely based on her looks. Trust me, I have some stories that would shock anyone. But in general, most of the stuff she has done (e.g. drunken rants, trying to fight people at bars, etc.), her friends, bosses, co-workers, etc. think are great and feed right into it. I'm guessing she stayed with me, because I was the only one who would put up with it all.

[BetrayedPA]

Amazing how things change during NC. After three days of NC, instead of messages sent three days ago telling me I have issues, I'm selfish, etc. I am now getting the "I miss you", "I hope we can work things out", "I don't want to be without you" messages.

[geegirl]

And you'll always be sitting on this rollercoaster from hell for as long as you stay with her.

[Desensitized]

What do you mean what do you do? You break up with that cheating whore and find yourself a real woman. I have no sympathy for cheaters, and you shouldn't either.

[Chi townD]

wouldn't surprise me if she showed up at your doorstep today after her weekend away at a bachlorette party (which I'm sure she was an innocent and complete angel at ) don't fall for it, she probably hooked up with some dude over the weekend and wants to blame you for it because you made her sooo mad.

[BetrayedPA]

Yup, showed up at my door at midnight last night. When I didn't answer, called me ten times until I finally did. Said she demanded and deserved an explanation after five years as to why I won't talk to her anymore. I briefly laid it out; that I just couldn't be with someone anymore whose boss is leaving her inappropriate messages, who lies about it, who only cares about herself, who acts like she doesn't want to be there, insults me at the first sign of an issue, etc.

 

Her response: to again deny that anything improper ever happened. Reasserted that I have lied about things in the past and when she lied it is just the same. Said she acted the way she has been acting because she deserved to be engaged after dating for five years and every day it made her mad. Claimed that I am the one who is selfish and immature and because of it I ruined her weekend because I refused to speak with her or respond to her texts or calls. Said that I was making a lifelong mistake and that this would be the last conversation we ever had. Said she's not going to be there when I realize that it is me who is wrong and immature. Hung up on me.

[dng]

Her response: to again deny that anything improper ever happened. Reasserted that I have lied about things in the past and when she lied it is just the same. Said she acted the way she has been acting because she deserved to be engaged after dating for five years and every day it made her mad. Claimed that I am the one who is selfish and immature and because of it I ruined her weekend because I refused to speak with her or respond to her texts or calls. Said that I was making a lifelong mistake and that this would be the last conversation we ever had. Said she's not going to be there when I realize that it is me who is wrong and immature. Hung up on me.

 

This has a name, and the name is blame shifting. I just read your whole thread and I'm sorry you've fell for that witch.

 

Dont take any of this bull**** to heart. She is, well. She is ill. There isn't much hope that she'll ever get better.

 

Blame shifting and gaslighting. She's hurt you and even with all the bad she did, I know you still feel for her and worry about her.

 

She deserves what she will get - and what she'll get is she'll never attain happiness with anyone. Maybe a firmer hand will keep her under control for a while but her personality is always going to emerge and she'll always flake out.

 

Collect yourself, delete/block. Put her in a catapult facing a granite wall, in your head. Let her go, let her wane away. Your anger will whither away eventually, the fog will lift and you will see her for what she is. A damaged person you tried to help. That is the lesson for you in it: damaged people can only help themselves.

[Chi townD]

Wow...really? Do you feel sorry you ruined her weekend? I thought she didn't contact you? Anyways, she's going to contact you within the next few days with more insults so just be prepared. This wasn't the last time you hear from her.

[0hpenelope]

Yup, showed up at my door at midnight last night. When I didn't answer, called me ten times until I finally did. Said she demanded and deserved an explanation after five years as to why I won't talk to her anymore. I briefly laid it out; that I just couldn't be with someone anymore whose boss is leaving her inappropriate messages, who lies about it, who only cares about herself, who acts like she doesn't want to be there, insults me at the first sign of an issue, etc.

 

BEER ON TAP FOR THIS FELLA RIGHT HERE! If you drink, that is. Boundaries laid out and defended. I love it.

 

Her response: to again deny that anything improper ever happened. Reasserted that I have lied about things in the past and when she lied it is just the same.

Um... the inappropriateness of her behavior vs. the things you lied about in the past are mutually exclusive.

Said she acted the way she has been acting because she deserved to be engaged after dating for five years and every day it made her mad. Claimed that I am the one who is selfish and immature and because of it I ruined her weekend because I refused to speak with her or respond to her texts or calls.

Uh... stop drinking the kool-aid, lady. You're the one who kept pestering him with unwanted contact.

Said that I was making a lifelong mistake and that this would be the last conversation we ever had. Said she's not going to be there when I realize that it is me who is wrong and immature. Hung up on me.

Okay, to give her some benefit, break ups usually bring out the most unexpected reactions from people. They react very unreasonably, irrationally... this is definitely something that she's demonstrating right now.

 

That isn't to say that I'm discounting her treatment of you, either. No way! She's wrong for that and she doesn't like it that you're calling her out on this mistake.

 

Hold steady, bro. This ain't over from her end. We're rootin' for ya!

[melenkurion]

Claimed that I am the one who is selfish and immature and because of it I ruined her weekend because I refused to speak with her or respond to her texts or calls. Said that I was making a lifelong mistake and that this would be the last conversation we ever had. Said she's not going to be there when I realize that it is me who is wrong and immature. Hung up on me.

 

Blimey. Reading this thread makes me furious on your behalf. You deserve much, much better than this. She is pretty obviously damaged, and that is very sad. But you can't fix her, and to be honest I doubt she wants to be fixed, or even recognises a problem. The lifelong mistake would be to marry someone like this. There are more red flags than mayday in Moscow. Things would get much, much worse. She already seems to have destroyed much of your self-esteem. Repugnant behaviour. I am really, really sorry. This whole thing is gut-wrenchingly awful for you. Do your best not take any of her blame-shifting to heart, she is so used to lying she is able to lie to herself.

 

Well done for standing your ground. Be stronger the next time, she may try harder. Once you are free of her, you will start to bloom.

 

I stayed with her mostly because I didn't want to waste the five years I spent

 

I thought exactly the same way about my eight years, but that thinking is an example of a cognitive bias called the Sunk Cost Fallacy. Those five years are already gone, good or bad. It's the future years of happiness that count.