Found Out Tonight My Fiance is Having an Affair With Her Married Boss What do I do?

[usabup]

Well, I had a conversation with her last night. She claimed that she is tired of me "causing fights" and I am 100% responsible - she has no blame - for any argument since she has "changed to be a better person". That if there are any issues - I have caused them.

 

She claims any actions she may have taken that seemed negative were because I solely "pissed her off".

 

What amazes me is - despite this whole assertion of change and being a better person and crying and saying I was the only person she wanted to be with - there is ALWAYS something wrong.

 

Issues with the boss again. Catching her in little slip ups about things she said. Claiming that she does no wrong. The general feeling that she's doing something deceitful behind the scenes and not telling the truth. But again, none of it can be proven and she always has a reason for it.

 

Interestingly enough, the conversation turned again to money. While, over the past 5 years, I have taken her on extravagent vacations for her birthday, holidays, etc. (beaches, ski resorts, foreign countries, etc.), pay for every nice dinner/going out, etc., she feels like I should pay for more. Her exact words: I have many friends whose boyfriends pay for "everything". "I believe the man, especially one who makes much more than the woman, should pay for everything in a relationship".

 

That I should be taking her on vacations and buying her things "not just for her birthday or special occassions" - but randomly as well. That I also just have never "bought her something", like Tiffany diamond earings which she has wanted for years, NOT for a birthday or holiday. And that, she should have been allowed to live with me when we lived together without paying rent. Because, her friends have told her that this was not right and she knows other people in similiar situations that don't pay rent.

All of this concerns me. Also whereas she previously had been pushing so hard to move in with me because it is the only way that things will work for us and pay a small portion of my rent. She now claims that she thinks it would be a better option to move in with her sister - granted it is almost an hour from the area where we live and work now but still be together - where she can live for free and pay off all her debts. Or, that I should let her move in with me and pay less than she initally offered.

 

Without stating the obvious, that she is probably a gold digger, still doing the same things, etc. and my best option in this situation is to lose her and go NC. Is her viewpoint, that the man should pay for everything, reasonable? Or am I completely out of line? I do have friends that pay for everything. I also have friends that don't. When I asked what I get out of paying for everything for her and buying her things/taking her on trips, her response; "My company". And, I could almost see her thought process; there are millions of men out there who would pay for everything just to be with a young woman as attractive as I am. And, the truth is, she's probably right.

 

Honestly, even though I have never met this women, I really really dislike her!

 

Everything about her is BAD!! She cheats, lies, manipulates, makes you feel bad etc etc.......that's not what love is. Nothing close to that.

 

Sure, some boyfriends pay for everything and some don't. That's the choice of the individual. In no way, shape or form does she EVER have the right to tell you that you have to pay for everything. That's just really crazy buddy.

 

Seriously, I know it's hard when you love someone, but you sound like a good guy and you can do much better then this women.

 

You say she is very attractive. Well, if you are capable of getting a women like her, it means you are also capable if getting another girl just as attractive but won't treat you so bad.

 

Please, leave this women. PLEASE!

[2sunny]

stop second guessing yourself. she is a user and a taker.

 

the only thing she intends to say is that she WILL find a man to pay her way through life.

 

even when i was married for 20 years - i never had that attitude.

 

the relationship can never be balanced if you are giving everything and she only intends to take.

 

let her find another man to use and abuse.

 

women like this give females a bad name. :mad:

 

SHE should intend to pay ALL of her own way!

 

and you should expect her to.

 

 

stop contacting her. she's worse than a blatant gold digger!!!

 

she seems to carry traits of a sociopath!

 

here's a link...

 

http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html

 

RUN!!!!

[Mr.Harris]

Well, I had a conversation with her last night. She claimed that she is tired of me "causing fights" and I am 100% responsible - she has no blame - for any argument since she has "changed to be a better person". That if there are any issues - I have caused them.

 

She claims any actions she may have taken that seemed negative were because I solely "pissed her off".

 

What amazes me is - despite this whole assertion of change and being a better person and crying and saying I was the only person she wanted to be with - there is ALWAYS something wrong.

 

Issues with the boss again. Catching her in little slip ups about things she said. Claiming that she does no wrong. The general feeling that she's doing something deceitful behind the scenes and not telling the truth. But again, none of it can be proven and she always has a reason for it.

 

Interestingly enough, the conversation turned again to money. While, over the past 5 years, I have taken her on extravagent vacations for her birthday, holidays, etc. (beaches, ski resorts, foreign countries, etc.), pay for every nice dinner/going out, etc., she feels like I should pay for more. Her exact words: I have many friends whose boyfriends pay for "everything". "I believe the man, especially one who makes much more than the woman, should pay for everything in a relationship".

 

That I should be taking her on vacations and buying her things "not just for her birthday or special occassions" - but randomly as well. That I also just have never "bought her something", like Tiffany diamond earings which she has wanted for years, NOT for a birthday or holiday. And that, she should have been allowed to live with me when we lived together without paying rent. Because, her friends have told her that this was not right and she knows other people in similiar situations that don't pay rent.

All of this concerns me. Also whereas she previously had been pushing so hard to move in with me because it is the only way that things will work for us and pay a small portion of my rent. She now claims that she thinks it would be a better option to move in with her sister - granted it is almost an hour from the area where we live and work now but still be together - where she can live for free and pay off all her debts. Or, that I should let her move in with me and pay less than she initally offered.

 

Without stating the obvious, that she is probably a gold digger, still doing the same things, etc. and my best option in this situation is to lose her and go NC. Is her viewpoint, that the man should pay for everything, reasonable? Or am I completely out of line? I do have friends that pay for everything. I also have friends that don't. When I asked what I get out of paying for everything for her and buying her things/taking her on trips, her response; "My company". And, I could almost see her thought process; there are millions of men out there who would pay for everything just to be with a young woman as attractive as I am. And, the truth is, she's probably right.

 

The truth about her is that she's a money-grabbing tramp, who cares nothing about herself. She is nothing special and the men that will want her, will only want her for one thing: Booty. And after they're done with her, they'll throw a few hundred on the bed and leave.

 

She's a taker and is an unremorseful cheater who is trying to manipulate you by making you feel bad about the problems she caused. Drop her now or she'll just keep abusing you.

[WiseOne1]

Well first of all, it's true that he needs to get over this girl. However for all of you telling him he needs to move on, you gotta understand this he is going through the indenial stage. Just like 98% of people on loveshack go through. Doesn't matter how much common sense you try to explain. Remember there was nothing anyone could say to make you believe otherwise during those first 2 months either.

 

Anyways, I'm all for love, but now I know why alot of my female friends and make friends are jerks. To stay away from love.

[Mr.Harris]

Well first of all, it's true that he needs to get over this girl. However for all of you telling him he needs to move on, you gotta understand this he is going through the indenial stage. Just like 98% of people on loveshack go through. Doesn't matter how much common sense you try to explain. Remember there was nothing anyone could say to make you believe otherwise during those first 2 months either.

 

Anyways, I'm all for love, but now I know why alot of my female friends and make friends are jerks. To stay away from love.

 

We know that, but this is a public forum, and people are going to comment on his situation.

[sweetjasmine]

Is her viewpoint, that the man should pay for everything, reasonable? Or am I completely out of line?

 

If you don't want to support an adult and still get b-tched at for not doing enough, then you are definitely NOT out of line.

 

This woman is a total user and a manipulative, nasty person.

 

I do have friends that pay for everything. I also have friends that don't. When I asked what I get out of paying for everything for her and buying her things/taking her on trips, her response; "My company". And, I could almost see her thought process; there are millions of men out there who would pay for everything just to be with a young woman as attractive as I am. And, the truth is, she's probably right.

 

Ugh, then let her suck the life out of one of those guys instead of you.

 

Whether you want to pay for everything or split it is up to you and the person you're with, but she's a demanding, entitled, spoiled rotten brat incapable of managing her own finances and expecting you to lavish her with random expensive gifts (Tiffany diamond earrings? ) just because she has a vagina. What a disgusting human being. And that's not even touching on all of the other issues you mentioned.

 

You're not being unreasonable at all. Don't let her BS trick you into thinking otherwise. It's not your job to pay a woman-child's way and buy her everything her black heart desires, lest she throw a temper tantrum and cry about how she deserves everything because she's "worth it."

 

This woman is treating you like a walking, breathing wallet and she's disrespecting, insulting, and manipulating you even when you give her what she wants. Please, please go with that best option you mentioned: dumping her and going no contact. Let her pay for her own vacation or spread her legs for someone who will.

[2sunny]

and since she's still stringing the boss along - you gotta figure she uses him to her advantage too... she's given evidence of wanting men for money only... so why would anything be different for her boss? she must gain something from their contact at late night hours.

 

put it all to rest. dump her, then call her boss' wife to let her know what kind of messages her husband leaves on another woman's voicemail at all hours of the night/morning. i bet your GF doesn't expect you to tell what you know... IF she wasn't keeping all these secrets - there would be nothing to tell... so tell away. tell HR at her company too.

 

she may be trying to manipulate you so you won't blow the whistle on her for what you already know.

 

his wife deserves to understand what her husband has been up to.

 

she is not sorry she's been such a huge schmuck... she just doesn't want you telling anyone what she's been up to.

[BetrayedPA]

I'm stuck. My head is so twisted up I don't know what to do anymore. And, I apologize in advance, but need to get a lot of things off my chest.

 

I continue to date this woman. And while I love her, I also hate her for what I feel she has done and is doing to me. But I can't tell wrong from right anymore. And I don't know if I'm to blame and I'm making it all up in my head. She's got me thinking, I'm the one that is at fault for any problems. And that I should just be going with the flow... everything is cool, she's done no wrong and continues to do no wrong and this is how things should be.

 

Here's the facts:

 

- When we first started dating, she was my perfect girlfriend and had everything I was ever looking for. For three years, it was the happiest time of my life.

 

-After three years, we started to fight, she broke up with me and got a new job. She became materialistic, or even more so than she was. It became apparent to me that she was (and still is) primarily impressed by money and power; which I have a minimal level of both. On every level, she believes and acts like she deserves the world. To date a celebrity, multi-millionaire, etc. She is not willing to compromise. And as I've said before, based on how attractive she is, most men would be willing to give anything to be with her. I'm not sure what it says about me, but I admit that I am drawn to her mostly because of her looks. Although she has a majority of the other qualities I've always wanted in a wife (fun, common interests, great family that treats me like their own, etc.).

 

-While she claims that she loves me and I have ALWAYS been the person she wants to spend the rest of her life with; most of the time she acts what I feel like is indifferent towards me. She is not affectionate. She has no desire to have sex (the only time she has shown a great interest has been the times we break up; right when we get back together - after that it fades). And it feels like she only will do things that benefit her. I am constantly the one reaching out to her to do/say nice things to see if it makes her react positively. It has no effect. When I back off, do nothing, act distant, play hard to get, etc. - it also has no positive effect.

 

-Every day is a struggle. I can't help but feeling like she's just staying around for convenience and she doesn't really love me. When I bring something along these lines up, she claims that "I am overly insecure" and she has ALWAYS known what she has wanted; I'm the one with the issues. That after this many years... it doesn't phase her anymore.

 

-Admittedly, I have become the most insecure and paranoid person in the world. However, the thought of not being with her causes me to panic, lose sleep, think that there is nothing else that I want that makes me happy, etc. I just can't bring myself to walk away. Mostly because personally and professionally, I have nothing else to look forward to. I have always had trouble meeting women I was attracted to, but I have somehow placed a value on this one where I don't believe I will ever meet anyone as attractive or someone to settle down with as good where I'd be "trading up". She continues to work with her boss. And continues to deny that ANYTHING ever happened between them. Every time she's on the phone, I assume she's texting him. This is compounded by her seeming to be overly protective of her phone when she's on it, but again, if I inquire who she's texting, etc. she claims that I am "paranoid". The reality is - that if she is cheating - she can ONLY be doing it during an hour lunch or a hour that she claims that she is going to the gym, etc. because she literally spends almost all her time every day with me or talking to me when we're not together???

 

- I continue to catch her in what I believe are small lies about the past and statements she makes just strike me as unbelievable. EVERY TIME she claims I am "crazy" or "looking to start an unnecessary argument again for no reason... or because I am insecure"

 

Two examples:

 

A few months ago she told me she and one of her female co-workers were invited out by a new female friend (who I had never met or heard of) that she met while at her office. This female works for a very wealthy man who had a box rented out at a major venue for a concert. She is also a former model and my "girlfriend/fiance" told me she thought she was VERY attractive and might be "bisexual". The female allegedly invited both my "girlfriend/fiance" and one of her female co-workers to the concert to be picked up in her boss's private car service. My "girlfriend/fiance" went to the concert that night telling me she also went with her female co-worker and told me she spent the night after the concert drinking at her female co-workers house. She made no mention of hanging out with the other female friend after the concert. However, since that night my "girlfriend/fiance" and this new female have been constantly texting/hanging out with each other (although she has never invited me to meet this new female friend).

 

The other day, she made a comment about how her female co-worker (the one that allegedly went to the concert with them that night) had never met this new female friend except the one time this new female was in their office? When I questioned her, she then caught herself, and said, oh yea, and when we went to that concert. This made me also recall a statement one of her friends made when we were out that night about how my "girlfriend/fiance" was hanging out with just this new female that night.

Of course when confronted in her lie, my "girlfriend/fiance" tried to say, I was "crazy" and that of course the other co-worker was there that night... knowing that I would never ask her female co-worker and that she could probably warn her before hand if I did. The question is, why would my "girlfriend/fiance" lie about going to the concert with her female co-worker and spending the night out with her after the concert?

 

The second example, one day she came over to my house and was acting strange; we got in a fight. She said that she should have never come over in the first place because "something awful happened at work and it put her in such a sad mood". The next day, I found out that her boss's (the one who left her the message saying "Princess, I miss being with you...") father died from a mutual acquaintance and that my "girlfriend/fiance" spent all day making the funeral arrangements, etc. When I confronted her and asked her why she didn't tell me, she said "she didn't feel like she had to". When I asked why she was the one making all the arrangements, she said because "she was the closest to him"?? When I questioned why his family or wife wasn't doing this, this led to an argument. Which turned into her defending him again, and telling me he was a "amazing" guy and "I should never say anything bad about him because I didn't know the situation of his marriage". All I could think about was, I can't believe this girl who said I was the most important thing to her and was going to quit her job for me months ago after all this went down was now choosing to defend her boss over me?

 

The fact of the matter is, it is apparent that her loyalty lies first with herself, then powerful/wealthy people (her boss, etc.), then her friends, then me...

 

-Despite all this, currently, she now claims that she wants to move in with me at the end of this month and pay me a portion of my mortgage. The ONLY benefit I can seen for her in this move is to save some money on her current rent. But the question I can't seem to answer is, why would someone who acts indifferent, etc. want to move in with someone who they don't really care about and have to spend every day with them? And as I've stated, if she is still having an affair with her boss or anyone else - she has to only be doing it during lunch at work or the short times after work that she's not with me or talking to me??? Living with me would make anything deceitful even more difficult for her if that was the case???

 

At this point I don't know what to do. My brain is fried. She tells me she wants to be with me, live with me, etc. Then she acts indifferent, lies and defends her boss. What the h*ll is going on here?

[Chi townD]

Okay, if your life is that miserable, then why are you still with her?

 

There's no trust on your end. She wants to get married to you but wants you to pay for everything. Sorry, but a marriage is a partnership and responsibilites should be shared equally. That includes finances.

 

I told you before, I really think that you need her to do a polygraph. But, I think that the writing is on the wall. SHe playing you, and you know it. I think that you can find a girl that KNOWS how to treat you right.

[GorillaTheater]

At this point, she's not doing anything to you; you're doing it all to yourself. It's all self-inflicted, because by now you should damn well know better.

 

You need to break free. Until you do, I don't see what you want from the other posters here.

[usabup]

Mate, you know full well what's going on. Your obviously not stupid.

 

I understand what you are doing, you are making excuses to justify staying with her. But your only lying to yourself.

 

She may not be physically cheating, but she is emotionally cheating at the very least. You can see that by the way she defends him.

 

its been said to you before, if you are capable of attracting a girl as pretty as her, then attract anotherone just as pretty but that will treat you with respect..

[geegirl]

What the hell is going on here? You know what the hell is going on. You even post what your thoughts are and what you think is going on. You know. You're just too much of a coward and a doormat to have some gumption and self respect to walk away. You keep repeating the same thing over and over again. At this point, I don't blame her for treating you this way. You have truly shown her that you deserve every piece of **** that she flings at you.

 

You keep writing about why does she do this, why does she do that x 100, and the answer is: Becasue she can and because you allow her. Read this 10 page post from start to end and ask yourself what are you complaining about. You've made a choice to be with someone that manipulates you over and over again. You are to blame. Not her. She is doing what she does best, and being who she is. If you don't like it and you stick around, then it's no one's fault but yours. You ask the same questions and we keep giving you the same answers. What do you want us to tell you? Honey it will be alright? No. It won't. Until you do something about the situation, your life will remain this way.

[Afishwithabike]

It's too bad you're not training for the Navy SEALs because considering all the hardship and abuse you've endured, you deserve something to show for it.

 

I thought you were perhaps a beta male, but honestly you seem like an omega. Grow a pair and stand up for yourself. Leave her. Find someone else.

[Mack05]

There are two sides to every story and I get this. But if even half of this stuff is true, I think it's probably one of, if not thee most toxic relationship stories on LS I've ever read..

 

I don't even think the problem is her (I will give you my honest opinion about her later). To put up with as much as you have, means you clearly have many issues. How on earth can you love someone like this!?!?!?!?...I'd rather be single for the rest of my life, then spend one more minute with this girl..

 

You have a sign on you, that says punch me and she is the kind of person to happily Oblige..

 

Steps to happiness and getting your life back, here you go..

 

1) Break up with this girl and make a pact to yourself to NEVER NEVER NEVER (I can't emphaise this enough) talk to her again. This means getting a new phone number and email address. Get rid of Facebook or any other social tool that you might use..Any means of contact you remove. Change the locks on your doors. Explain to her if she hassles you that you will go to the police. I think threatening someone with the police is very extreme, but in this case it's probably necessary.

 

2) Book yourself into Therapy, to determine why on earth you stayed with such a toxic person for as long as you did..

 

3) Rebuild your self esteem...Loads articles out there to give you advice on how to achieve this.

 

Honestly if I didn't know any better I would think your trolling on here looking for a reaction from LS. I cannot for the love of me figure out why on earth you would want to be with a person like this..I am going to say this and maybe my fellow LS'ers may look down on me, but she is SCUM!!!

 

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.....

This woman can NEVER give you the kind of Love and healthy relationship that we are all looking for. The question is how much more punishment are you going to take? 3 months, 3 Years? Till death do you part??

Edited July 6, 2011 by Mack05

[2sunny]

do not allow her to move in - and do not allow yourself to see this using, ungrateful B*tch.

 

what else does she need to do to hurt you to understand her form of love is only self serving - at your expense?

 

sheez, get rid of her as quickly as possible.

 

you are now doing all this to yourself - all because you allow it.

 

show some self respect.

[BetrayedPA]

Everything that you are saying is true. And, trust me, it resonates with me. You are right, my self-esteem is completely shattered. I've gone from an Alpha male to a Zeta and I've completely lost my cojones in the process.

 

There are certainly two sides to every story, and in the interest of full disclosure if you would talk to her she 100% believes that she has done nothing wrong, has wanted to marry me for years/knows that she wants to be with me now and my actions/insecurities and my failure to be able to commit to her years ago are to blame and what caused her to act the way she did/does. Not that these should be excuses for how she acts now - but I know it's what she believes. She constantly brings up how she used to have her world revolve around me and all that it got her was hurt; so she's not going to do that again. Maybe this is just an excuse as well to justify her current actions.

 

In all honesty, I KNOW this is NOT how a person in a relationship should treat another person. And I know this is NOT how I should feel if I were in a healthy relationship. But the trick is this: she either does love me and want to be with me, OR she's a master manipulator and lying by constantly saying that she loves me and want to be with me.

 

As you can see, I am having 10 pages worth of difficulty accepting the later: primarily because I can't wrap my brain around one thing: why would a person continue to be with someone, tell them they want to marry them, want to move in with them, spend all their time with them, talk to them multiple times a day, have them spend time almost every week with their family, etc. - if they wanted to be with someone else or if they didn't care about them? Why lie? Why waste the effort and their time? Why not just go out and find someone else if that is what they want?

 

Further to this effect, every time I try to walk away from the disaster that I believe is my relationship, two things come into play:

 

(1) She denies any wrong doing, claims that I am "throwing away the best thing I've ever had" because of "my issues". And I start to buy into it. I start to believe; what if I'm the one making a huge mistake? A lifelong huge mistake? I start to believe her. Then I listen to her justifications; everyone argues, everyone makes mistakes, etc. It's just the way of life, nothing is perfect. Do you honestly think that you're going to find someone perfect out there? That's a fairy tale. When I think about it that way, it actually makes sense?!?!

 

(2) As I wrote before, the two times I actually ended it and started NC she called, texted, emailed, showed up at my house, etc. incessantly telling me that I was "all that mattered to her", "she couldn't spend her life with anyone else", that "she would do anything". I thought, someone who really didn't mean this stuff wouldn't go through all of this?!?! Then both times, for the first few weeks/a month she would be great - go out of her way to do anything and everything for me, etc. After that time period, it was back to normal, not caring, selfish, etc.

 

The truth is this, everyone here is right. I KNOW that I will NEVER be truly happy with this girl. I will NEVER fully trust her and I will NEVER fully forgive her for what I believe she has done. But while I continue to be fed stories, promises, etc. by her - I can't find it in my heart to walk away. I am just too loyal and, honestly, afraid of being alone.

 

What I really need is one of two things: (1) catching her cheating on me in person - which then with "real" proof, I could walk away KNOWING I made the right decision, or (2) an intervention. Someone to show up at my house, kidnap me, take my cell phone and all lines of communication and take me to a foreign country for a month to make me get through it.

[Mack05]

BPA, Flogging a dead horse comes to mind...According to your rationale a girl can cheat, be a total bitch, be genuinely not a nice person but hey as long as she wants to marry you who cares! It doesn't matter if she has cheated on you believe it or not. She is rotten to the core either way. You need to see a Therapist quick and I do mean quick. You can't be in any way normal to want to stay with this girl..

 

You are not getting the point. Whether she wants to be with you or not is completely immaterial!!If you want a miserable life, by all means stay with this nutjob..

 

If you want meaning back to your life. To start rebuilding and recovering from the damage done by this pyscho, then kick her into touch! AND FAST!!

Edited July 7, 2011 by Mack05

[Mack05]

You are codependent and she probably has some sort of personality disorder (http://thecriticalthinker.wordpress.com/2008/10/10/list-of-personality-disorders/). I'm just guessing as her behaviour is not that of a normal person. I recommend you read a book Codepenent no more by Melody Beattie -> http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025. More importantly find yourself a Therapist and fast...It's clear you to me you don't want help. I hope you have close family members because they should be seriously concerned for you. I don't think you realise the severity of your situation..

Edited July 7, 2011 by Mack05

[2sunny]

if you want what you say you want - freedom from her using you - and being mean girl - break up with her. change your phone number, email etc. - and call the police if she shows up at your house!

[2sunny]

or you can stay - and find out what THAT looks like ten years from now when she's your wife and owns half your assets...

 

you may find out that she:

 

is still doing her boss

doing your neighbor

doing your cousin

and still blaming you

 

all because that's what she does...

 

and you wanting to believe that she's so hot - and so great in bed - that you should have to put up with it because you are now married and have kids with her.

[Mack05]

Betrayed let me get this straight...

 

Most men in this world, hope for a woman with a beautiful soul and a kind heart who loves and adores him as much as he loves and adores her..

 

What you are looking for is a Physically attractive girl, good in bed, who wants to marry you!!!!???You have got to be kidding me with this..

 

I urge and implore you to talk to a professional counsellor..

[2sunny]

 

What you are looking for is a Physically attractive girl, good in bed, who wants to marry you!!!!???You have got to be kidding me with this..

 

I urge and implore you to talk to a professional counsellor..

 

if that's all that's required - he has fulfilled his dream girl. you should want more for yourself than those requirements.

[geegirl]

"(1) catching her cheating on me in person - which then with "real" proof, I could walk away KNOWING I made the right decision"

 

Even if you caught her screwing four guys at one time infront of you, you'll come back here two days later boo hooing justifying that it's okay because at the end of the day, she wants to come home to me. You're just taking steps further and further down because you're completely and utterly delusional and spineless Bah. Find your balls for heavens sakes. Your cowardice is so unattractive. Manipulative and selfish people love having the likes of you for dinner every night.

 

"why would a person continue to be with someone, tell them they want to marry them, want to move in with them, spend all their time with them, talk to them multiple times a day, have them spend time almost every week with their family, etc. - if they wanted to be with someone else or if they didn't care about them? Why lie? Why waste the effort and their time? Why not just go out and find someone else if that is what they want?"

 

My ex told me he wanted to spend his life with me. Took me to spend holidays with his family. Bought me expensive gifts. Never missed a call or text. But he was sleeping with 5 other women. You know why he did it, because he could have the stability of the doormat of a girlfriend, who provided him with love, care, emotional comfort, etc. while he was able to go out there and satisfy his other needs. He got his cake and he ate it too. Again, manipulative and selfish people will squeeze you for everything and anything that they want from you, they'll twist words to confuse you and break you down, they'll project blame so that you'll feel like the bad one and give in, they'll lie through their teeth to get their way all the time flashing their pearly whites...in essence, they'll go to any lengths to have control over a person or a situation. If you are a benefit to her, she will manipulate and abuse it. It's not about her wanting to be with you. It's about what she wants and can get from you.

 

You're asking questions that we have answered repeatedly. I don't know what's the use of all the posters posting if you keep justifying her wanting to be with you as good enough reason to stay in such a toxic and unhealthy situation. You're soon going to ruin your future. One life to live and this is what you choose? What a waste.

Edited July 8, 2011 by geegirl

[BetrayedPA]

Thank you all for your feedback. And your patience, as you can imagine this is a difficult situation.

 

Obviously, I want what everyone else wants in a spouse. Someone who is caring, compassionate, kind, trustworthy, respectful, an equal partner, etc. I don't think anyone, including myself, wants someone who is JUST physically attractive, good in bed, etc. that is willing to marry you but would be unfaithful and make your life hell.

 

That being said. While it may seem blatantly obvious to many of you that she is a liar, user, manipulator, etc., which on some level I agree that there's a very good chance she is. It is not exactly that clear cut and dry. Especially after six years of being with someone where a good portion of it has been great and she was perfect. That is why this is so difficult and the reason I've been posting; to get an unbiased third-party opinion.

 

In reality, I can admit that she is NOT a traditionally "good" person and has probably done some heinous things. I realize and acknowledge that she is definitely selfish (she claims she has always been "independent" and doesn't put up with "bullsh*t") and will likely always put her needs/wants first; which in some schools of thought is a healthy way to live life. She has never been a "feelings" type of person and just doesn't operate that way.

 

I can also admit that I have an extreme tendency to over-analyze, worry, etc. about things, will most often assume the worst and be overly paranoid. And, I acknowledge that I have not always been the epitome of sainthood in our relationship and have a tendency to over react.

 

As you can see, this is a deadly combination.

 

As I've said before, I agree with everyone here. Continuing to remain with this woman carries a 99.99% chance of further and inevitable pain and disrespect.

 

In order to deal with this in an adult fashion, I approached her a few days ago and told her how I felt. I didn't trust her, I thought she was using me, I wasn't happy and didn't feel like I was getting the proper respect.

 

She responded by saying that I was over reacting and that I have had a tendency to over react about everything over the past year. I told her I thought things were "not good at all with us", she said she thought things were not great but "fine" and that instead of moving past things that happened in the past, that she believes I have only been dwelling on them and unable to get over them which is the primary cause of our problems (i.e. I get insecure about something and cause an issue).

 

On some level, I agreed with her. But I stated at this point I thought it was in both of our best interests to break up. That too much damage had been done. She said, "if that's what you want", and left.

 

For 24 hours after this time, I couldn't sleep. I kept waking up every hour with nightmares about her. Every time I woke up, I felt panic hit me and I wished she was there. I fought through it. I thought about how good it would be to not have to deal with all the disrespect and bad feelings in the future. How it would be great to meet someone who would be caring, etc. The whole next day, I tried to make plans to do things with my friends that would be fun. None of it seemed to matter. All I could think about was how I would rather be with her. I fought through it again.

 

The next night, I couldn't sleep again. Nightmares and waking up every hour. I kept having dreams that she would show up at my door step. At 7am, I heard a knock at my door. I thought I was dreaming. I opened it, to find her standing there. She said she was miserable, she couldn't sleep for two days and she didn't want to be without me anymore. We spent the whole day together as affectionate and happy as we have ever been. And, while she has historically made me miserable and caused so much pain, I have been happier the past two days than I have been in months.

 

It is apparent to me, as many of you have noted before, that I have become co-dependent after six years with this woman. It seems as if my happiness now primarily revolves around another person, which as many of you have noted is not healthy. And there is a little voice in the back of my head that keeps reminding me, that there's a good chance this won't last. Nor should I necessarily want it to.

 

While counseling is not an immediate option for me due to logistics, cost, etc. I realize I need some sort of help. I need to break free of the co-dependency and letting my fears cause me to not be able to sleep, function, etc. to truly move on. It seems like the Beattie book recommended by Mack05 more deals with relationships with alcoholics. Can anyone recommend any other books, resources, programs that they have personally used to get through something like this?

[Mack05]

That being said. While it may seem blatantly obvious to many of you that she is a liar, user, manipulator, etc., which on some level I agree that there's a very good chance she is. It is not exactly that clear cut and dry.

 

In reality, I can admit that she is NOT a traditionally "good" person and has probably done some heinous things. I realize and acknowledge that she is definitely selfish (she claims she has always been "independent" and doesn't put up with "bullsh*t") and will likely always put her needs/wants first; which in some schools of thought is a healthy way to live life. She has never been a "feelings" type of person and just doesn't operate that way.

 

It seems like the Beattie book recommended by Mack05 more deals with relationships with alcoholics. Can anyone recommend any other books, resources, programs that they have personally used to get through something like this?

 

1) You are right it's not that clear and dry. Just as OJ Simpson was cleared of double homocide, that wasn't that clear and dry either...Sigh. You have got to be kidding me here!!??. Mate I wish I could help you, but I no longer can because you don't want to be helped. You are the equivalent of drug addict on crack. Everyone in the world knows that it is bad for you, but the world doesn't understand the great feelings you get by using crack. The more you use crack the worse it gets, just like your relationship with this woman. It's clear to me that you don't want to be helped. You have 10 pages of advice from people that really know their stuff (leaving me aside) and you are still coming on here saying yes you are right BUT and then you defend her! I have been here since May, I have never come across a guy with his head in the clouds like you are.

 

2) Yes the Beattie books focuses in the main on alcoholics, but it's very easy to read between the lines and focus on the area's of the book that are most relevant to you. I hope things work out for you mate, but I for one aint banging my head of this brick wall anymore...A good Therapist costs between 70-100 dollars a session (of course in the states it could be different). In your shoes I would make alot of sacrifices to get to a Therapist. Take care man..