Never had sex with husband of a month.

[feelingunwanted]

My husband and I have been married for just a little over a month and haven't had sex. No honeymoon sex, no foreplay, no nothing. We lived together for almost a year before we were married, and never once fooled around. He...and I...wanted to be able to tell our kids, we waited until we were married.

 

I'm 24 years old and apparently I was dreaming, but i thought married life would be different. I thought as soon as we were married, he wouldn't be able to keep his hands off of me. I thought we would make up for the past year of sexual frustration

 

We were in Florida for our honeymoon, having a great time and not having sex. About the 4th day after we were married, i asked him. He gave me some excuse. I didn't understand what was wrong with me. He assured me that it wasn't me.

 

We got back home about a week after we were married. I thought once we were home, he'd be more relaxed and it would be on. It wasn't. I realize i'm not a pro at sexual intimacy, because i have a VERY LIMITED sex history, so i thought maybe i was doing something wrong. He kept pushing me away, or telling me to stop. I didn't know what to think.

 

I've cried about it to him. I just don't understand what's going on. We've been married a MONTH and have NEVER had sex.

 

Hurt and Confused

Feeelingunwanted

[Pookette]

Oh God, honey, I'm so sorry. Maybe there's an underlying medical problem he is too ashamed to talk about? How old is he?

[miz_barby]

Could he be keeping something in the "closet" or maybe it's just because he's scared (assuming he's a virgin) No matter what the problem I'm sure it's nothing to do with you!

[befuddled11]

Let me ask, what are your ages?

 

Prior to marriage, although you say you were both virgins, did you 2 "fool around" at all?

 

Is he devoutly religious or something?

 

Fearful of getting your pregnant? (are you on birth control)

 

How long had you been dating PRIOR to getting married?

 

Do you at least both kiss and hug and cuddle, or is he TOTALLY non-affectionate?

 

I wonder if maybe he's got major performance anxiety..because he's a virgin....and he's not able to get or maintain an erection, and instead of being able to admit this to you (that's a tough thing for some guys to talk about), he's totally avoiding sex (which obviously isn't the way to deal with it, but...)

 

Not sure if you're aware, but a marriage that exists in which the couple has never once had sex, isn't really considered a marriage. In order for a marriage to be valid, they have to "consummate" (sp?) the marriage...meaning, have sex. So that being said, if this continues, although it's likely no consolation, you would have grounds to have the marriage "annulled" because without ever having had sex, it's not really a marriage.

 

Is he a super shy person? Have you ever even seen him naked? And I hate to ask this, I really do, but do you KNOW FOR SURE THAT HE IS A MALE? That's not a joke. I watched a show a couple of weeks ago about people born with one set of genitals (male or female, some BOTH), but feeling very much "inside" that they were the opposite sex..........but didn't tell anyone. So again, do you know for sure that he's got a PENIS? Have you seen it ? Ever felt it?

 

You really need to sit down with him, in a relaxed and non-confrontational way.......and try to get him to open up to you why he shows no interest in intimacy or sex.........asking him if he's just really shy? Unsure of himself? Problems getting or maintaining an erection? Or...is he REALLY a virgin? Could it be that he's NOT a virgin, had sex in the past, and contracted a sexually transmitted disease...and just doesn't have the heart to have sex with you, knowing he's lied about his 'state of virginity' and fearful that he could pass something (herpes, genital warts, HIV, etc) onto you?? These are things you need to ask him.......

[befuddled11]

I re-read your post.......noticed something I guess I missed the first time.

 

You'd mentioned that you'd both lived together for a year prior to marriage. That struck me as a little odd. I can totally understand a couple not wanting to have sex until married......but I would think that most couples who want to abstain til marriage, they wouldn't be living together, sleeping in the same bed (I'm assuming you both slept in the same bed?) I'm sure there are some guys who could handle that, but I am thinking that the vast majority of guys would have one helluva hard time living with a girl and not wanting them both to "break down" and have sex........the waiting would be excrutiating......of course, I could say that same for most young women your age. I can't even imagine living with someone I loved and sleeping in the same bed and not having sex with them.......or if nothing else, being incredibly tempted...and at least 'fooling around' big time.

 

Is there any possibility that he's gay? Or unsure of his sexuality?

[feelingunwanted]

Ok. We're not virgins. Neither one of us. He is 34 and previously married with 2 children. I am 24 and not a virgin either. The point was....we wanted to be able to tell our children we waited to be with each other. I guess i didn't make myself clear...sorry about that.

 

I just wanted to get that out before i answered any other questions...now i'll go back.

[SoleMate]

I agree that something is REALLY wrong. From here, I can't tell if it is medical, psychological, gender confusion, homosexuality, trauma, fear, conditioning, or ????. But I would suggest you get him/you some SERIOUS professional help right away. I'd start with an MD for a physical, then move on to a psychiatrist or sex therapist.

 

And I sympathize with the deep hurt and loneliness that I am sure you feel when he pushes you away. A marriage cannot go on like this.

 

Good luck!

[feelingunwanted]

befuddled11 to answer your questions:

 

No he's no devoutly religious. There are somethings he's very particular about and some things he's very relaxed about. Us waiting...was one he was paritcular about.

 

I am not on birth control.

 

We dated for a year and a half before we got married. Oh and when i say we lived together. We did live together...but i also had a female roomate.

 

He isn't a shy person. But then again he hasn't danced around naked infront of me. He does have a penis...i've felt it. Just to reassure you that he's not really a girl.

 

He's not gay.

 

He said something the other day that kinda triggered me into thinking that he does have something, a problem or an std or something that he's been too ashamed to tell me. I danced around the issue trying my best not to embarass him and he told me nothing.

 

So i'm in the dark and alone.

[Sundaymorning]

cheating????? i thnk so....

[Fedup&givingup]

Originally posted by feelingunwanted

befuddled11 to answer your questions:

 

No he's no devoutly religious. There are somethings he's very particular about and some things he's very relaxed about. Us waiting...was one he was paritcular about.

 

I am not on birth control.

 

We dated for a year and a half before we got married. Oh and when i say we lived together. We did live together...but i also had a female roomate.

 

He isn't a shy person. But then again he hasn't danced around naked infront of me. He does have a penis...i've felt it. Just to reassure you that he's not really a girl.

 

He's not gay.

 

He said something the other day that kinda triggered me into thinking that he does have something, a problem or an std or something that he's been too ashamed to tell me. I danced around the issue trying my best not to embarass him and he told me nothing.

 

So i'm in the dark and alone.

 

What exactly did he say that even slightly intimated a sexual disease. Now my curiosity is piqued.

[befuddled11]

You wrote:

 

"He said something the other day that kinda triggered me into thinking that he does have something, a problem or an std or something that he's been too ashamed to tell me. I danced around the issue trying my best not to embarass him and he told me nothing. "

 

Can you recall the jist of what was said? It might help us to figure out the possibilities.

 

Okay, so you're not virgins. And he's 34, married in the past and has 2 children.

 

So whose idea was it to want to "wait until married to have sex"?

 

No offense, but considering he was married in the past, and obviously not a virgin, I find it amazingly bizarre that he would not only not want to have sex with you prior to marriage....(most people that want to abstain do so because of religious beliefs, and you say he's not religious)....but he didn't even attempt to have sex with you on your honeymoon, and not since.

 

This is a huge, huge HUGE red flag.

 

As I asked before, have you 2 ever "fooled around"? Gotten naked and just touched? Oral sex? Groping each other? Hand job?

 

Is there any chance that he's seeing someone else? His ex wife? (and therefore feels "unfaithful" to them by having sex with you)

 

Any history of intravenous drug use? any health problems with his liver?

 

Any medical conditions that you're aware of? Is he on any medications?

 

So when you 2 get into bed at night......do you both sleep naked? Does he ever sleep naked? Have you ever showered together?

 

Since his marriage (and fathering 2 children), any "injury" to his groin that you're aware of?

 

Do you know the reason his past marriage ended? Who was the one to end it, him or her? Have you ever heard his "wife's" side of it?

 

Girl..you REALLLLLY need to speak up here and start a dialogue with him about all of this. This is just so not normal. It's bizarre and cruel. It's not normal. Unless he's gay.

 

Doesn't he EVER bring up the topic of sex? Doesn't he ever express some kind of guilt or feeling bad for not wanting to have sex?

 

Do you recall the "Excuse" he gave you on your honeymoon, as to why he didn't want to have sex?>

 

You just can't let this rest. As his wife, he OWES you a reason for this bizarre behavior.

 

So again...was he ever intimate with you (not sex, but leading up to) while living together?

 

Does he show you any affection? Does he ever touch you? Kiss you? Does he seem happy in the marriage? How is your marriage otherwise?

 

What were the circumstances surrounding your getting married. Did he propose to you or did you have to talk him into it? Did he seem reluctant to marry?

[jenny]

is it possible he has been sexually abused or molested?

 

what has he said when you have talked about it to him? have you talked about going to a sex therapist or anything?

[Fedup&givingup]

Damn! Lots of questions LOL This is a GOOD one, though. I'm tuned in and all ears....

[peaches and cream]

Dear lonely heart....

 

You guys say you've been living together for over a year and you just got married but no sex. You had another room mate too. Is that how you met - as room mates first? O.K., did you guys feel attracted sexually before you got married? If not, how would a piece of paper change that? I realize you said that you wanted to hold off from sex, to be able to tell your kids you waited, but really, how many people go around telling that to their kids? Obviously that wasn't the reason he waited, because you're married now.

 

What's stopping him at this point? Whose idea was it to wait really? His I'm guessing. Before you got married, was there any times that you suspected that he might have been cheating?

 

One more thing you said; you thought he wouldn't be able to keep his hands off of you after marriage.. if he truly was only waiting "to be able to tell your kids that you guys waited" and if he was truly attracted to you, then he still would have had his hands all over you regardless. You just wouldn't have had sex.

 

Are there any other reasons that you can think of, ulterior motives, perhaps reasons that he might have married you besides attraction and true love, maybe financial, to cover up some other affair, possibly with a married woman?

 

Could he be gay really... how are you soo convinced that he's not gay? Does he have any guy friends that you have never met perhaps? Why the secrecy - if you've known each other for an entire year and have been married for a month, why can't he give you a solid explanation? That's insane. It's the least he could do. It's something he knows is either going to hurt your feelings, put the marriage in jeopardy and/or ruin his reputation. Just to avoid the subject entirely, if it is only something minor, I would have to ask you why would you stay in a relationship like that anyway?

 

You seem like a nice person, so no matter how skinny how tall how big or short you are, or how unattractive you are or are not, you deserve to find someone who will love every bit of you from the inside and out. Who couldn't keep their hands off of you before or after "I Do?"

 

Good luck. If I have the wrong conception of anything here, just reply and I will re-respond.

[peaches and cream]

oh and one more thing.....does this guy have a life insurance policy on you...or do you have one on yourself????....just food for thought

[nonessentialgirl]

Maybe he has an STD and he doesn't want you to get it. Or maybe hes had some sexual problems in the past.

[Fedup&givingup]

No matter what, something is definitely WRONG. I'm curious as to what it is, myself.

[amerikajin]

If he had issues with sexual abuse, I don't think he'd have two children.

 

Question: have you ever seen his penis? Is it possible that he's embarrassed by the size of it? It's a serious question.

 

I think he might have some sort of sexual anxiety relatd to erectile dysfunction, pyschological or otherwise. If it's pyschological he needs to see a sex therapist; if it's physical, he needs viagra.

 

If he can't agree to do that, you've got problems.

[jenny]

i agree with asking him to see a therapist.

 

it may be totally different for women, but my mom was sexually abused and still managed to have kids despite her crippling and shamed frigidity

[Fedup&givingup]

I don't think this guy has any issues with sexual abuse either, but I could be wrong.

 

This person has already indicated something about an inuendo about an STD. He could have herpes or something, or even worse HIV.

 

Without any more speculation, all I can say is something is WRONG-O

 

Once people have become sexually active, they don't just stop without a pretty powerful reason.

[catspajamas]

This is a sad story... what does he plan on telling his kids later? Not having sex with your wife at all is worse than having a little fun before your'e married... in my opinion.

[miz_barby]

I agree I think it is something other than sexual abuse because obviously he functioned ok enough to have 2 kids...and the question about the life insurance policy is a good one because OMG something is way wrong!!! she is so much younger than him you'd think he would be anxious to be with her and not be able to wait a whole month AFTER the marriage! If it was an STD he could get it cleared up and in the meantime they could use a condom...there has to be some BIG underlined problem there.....

[Moose]

There is definitely something wrong with this picture....I can't wait to hear what the dealio is.....his children....are you sure they came from his seed?

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by miz_barby

If it was an STD he could get it cleared up and in the meantime they could use a condom.

 

SOME STDs can be "cleared up" (like with antibiotics)...but others like Herpes and Genital Warts and HIV are viruses and can't be "cleared up." And even condoms don't provide 100% protection against same.

 

I hope she responds back with more info, and some answers to some of our questions.

 

I'm just curious, too, why on earth she's putting up with this. If my new husband made an excuse to not have sex with me on my honeymoon, and a whole month had passed and still no sex or foreplay, I'd be getting an annulment ASAP.