Gdunkman Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 Dear LSers, I want to update you on my story, as it's a good example of how NC and rebounds work. The beginning of my story could be found here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t243421/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t251252/ I was NC since the beginning of November, no Christmas or New Year greetings, I was busy studying, then went to a wonderfull trip to India and lived a happy life without caring about my ex during the last few monthes, haven't met any new girl though, but that didn't bother me. My ex lives in a different country far away from me. Monday, April 4th, I came home after work, she was waiting for me near the door. I was more than shocked, angry and asked her to leave immediately, but she insisted on a talk and finally I agreed. During a three hours long conversation, full of her tears, she told me she left me due to our fights, and found a new guy, as she was sure we broke up forever, but after some time she started to miss me, thought about me every hour and realized she loved me. She felt awful during the last few monthes, crying daily and telling her new bf she wants to be with me, poor guy. During our talk she told me it was her big mistake, that she's in love with me, can't live without me and asked for a second chance. I don't want to judge her anymore, she did a lot of **** not respecting neither me nor herself when we were breaking up. Now I realized I still need her, I haven't found anyone like her before we met or after we broke up. I decided to give her a second chance. At the moment she left her bf and lives with her mother. We want to develop our relations little by little, without any rush as we mistakenly did once. Unfortunately I don't trust her and I am ready she can leave any day. I asked her not to promise me anything, no to be a liar once again. I still love her, and she insists she loves me too. Hope if she leaves again, it won't be that hard for me as the first time. What are the chances we will forget all the **** in the past and will be happy together? We don't know. We try to enjoy every day together and we'll see how it goes. Link to post Share on other sites
0hpenelope Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 Buddy!!! Good news for you!! Please tell me you won't stop working on your goals. Link to post Share on other sites
lolo1234 Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 Crazy. Good for you for sticking to NC and working on yourself. I need some of that myself. During this whole time have you been looking for a relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
pandagirl Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 Wow, absolutely no word from her in all those months and she just showed up at your door? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gdunkman Posted April 22, 2011 Author Share Posted April 22, 2011 Buddy!!! Good news for you!! Please tell me you won't stop working on your goals. Thank you penelope, although I have no idea whether those news are good or not, the future will show. I've just checked my goals list, there is no way I will stop, I even think about extending it. The most inspiring goal I work on is swimming, I might become a swimming addict. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gdunkman Posted April 22, 2011 Author Share Posted April 22, 2011 During this whole time have you been looking for a relationship? I haven't seen her for 8 months after break up in total. I couldn't think about any relations during the first 2 or 3 months, and I was considering the possibility of a relationship after that preiod of time. I think I would be definitely ready for the relations with some new girl at the present time, if my ex hasn't appeared. The truth is I was always looking for her copy , same hair style - curly dark blond, same interests, same lifestyle, failed to find, but the original version came back. This second chance might be my mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gdunkman Posted April 22, 2011 Author Share Posted April 22, 2011 Wow, absolutely no word from her in all those months and she just showed up at your door? Yes. She had a flight from her country, had no idea whether I still live in my city, in my apartment and whether I live alone or with someone new. She had to wait for me for five hours at my door before I came home. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gdunkman Posted April 27, 2011 Author Share Posted April 27, 2011 This site was a great source of wisdom for me when I was dumped. so I've decided to ask for your advice in a puzzle I have now with my second chance situation. I know second chances usually don't last long and I'm afraid to make a mistake. We have holidays these days in my country, and I told her I might come to her city for holidays to stay with her, if my work lets me, I didn't promise to. It appeared that I won't be able to come, because I have some work to do. Now she planned a lot for the possible holiday and was waiting for my visit with impatience. When I told her I won't be able to come, she went like you don't make any efforts, you don't need me, and we have no luck to be together. Is she manipulating? She moved from her bf two weeks ago, can it be that she started to miss him, and she needs a reason to dump me once again? And the most important, what should I do? Obviously not to bend over backwards and come to see her, not caring a straw about my work. Try to talk? NC again? Thanks beforehand for your point of view. Link to post Share on other sites
0hpenelope Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 I'll come bak to explain more later, but I just wanted to tell you that you did notice a red flag right away. She's not manipulative, she's worried and not helping herself by acting insecure. She's trying to guilt trip you and you know you have a legitimate reason for not being there. It's not like you don't want to see her. Link to post Share on other sites
jstobo Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 Is she manipulating? She moved from her bf two weeks ago, can it be that she started to miss him, and she needs a reason to dump me once again? And the most important, what should I do? Obviously not to bend over backwards and come to see her, not caring a straw about my work. Try to talk? NC again? Thanks beforehand for your point of view. Did she move out of her boyfriends before coming to see you or after? Also, I didn't read your other threads, so this may not apply correctly. Statistics show that when someone leaves someone and months or years later realizes how big of a mistake they made, they have a far less probability of repeating that mistake again. In other words, if you meet someone new, there is a 50% chance they will dump you or cheat on you. Someone who has done that to you and later truly realizes their mistake has a 25% chance of repeating that mistake. So if she is coming back saying she has been crying and realizes how much she really loves you, you should trust her more than any new person that may come around. Make sense? Hope so. This is good, really good. Take it slow. Let her court you. Don't play games, but don't jump fully back in. Actions speak louder than words. Her action of no longer being with her boyfriend is in line with her words. Great job with NC. I'm a week into mine (I have two kids with my Wife, so I really have to be LC) and she has already shown signs of reaching out to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gdunkman Posted April 29, 2011 Author Share Posted April 29, 2011 Thank you penelope, I would really appreciаte your expanded reply, other person's point of view makes it easier to understand your one situation. Did she move out of her boyfriends before coming to see you or after? First she came to see me, then she moved out from him. Yes, I've got your point. I didn't know it. Hope statistics show the correct picture. Thank you for your reply. Link to post Share on other sites
DustySaltus Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 Let's look at the facts: She broke up with her "dream guy" and started dating you almost immediately. Then she broke up with you after you were engaged and started dating someone else. Then you went back to her country and tried to make it work, even getting a job there. She flirted with guys over the phone right in front of you...you left. She comes back six months later. There's a pattern here. She doesn't allow herself time to regroup. She's constantly jumping from relationship to relationship. She likes the adventure, the excitement but not the work that goes into a meaningful one. We all talk about NC and not to let them into your life again until they come beating down your door, which she did. However, that doesn't make up for the fact that she's not right with herself. No she's not being manipulative....SHE WANTS WHAT SHE WANTS WHEN SHE WANTS IT! It's time to wake up and realize that your THOUGHT of who she is and who she REALLY is are two COMPLETELY different people. Don't look for a copy of her, look for a complement for yourself. My suggestion is to cut her off completely. I know we all hope and pray for this moment to occur, but the fact is that she is not the person you are supposed to be with, you can't force it. Link to post Share on other sites
0hpenelope Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 This site was a great source of wisdom for me when I was dumped. so I've decided to ask for your advice in a puzzle I have now with my second chance situation. I know second chances usually don't last long and I'm afraid to make a mistake. How do you know second chances don't last long? Everyone's situation is different. Besides, if I take this to be true, then I'd better let my aunt and uncle know that they're not going to last since they reconciled after some odd years of being apart - and got married! I'm saying you do not know. You cannot compare your situation with others' situations. NC is good because you've had some time to step away from your ex-gf and after all that time, you still want her but you realized you don't need her. You did all sorts of wonderful things in the time that the two of you were apart. Meanwhile, she got in a relationship with another guy, that didn't work, and guess who she came back running to? And as you mentioned to me in an earlier post, that may or may not be a good thing. We have holidays these days in my country, and I told her I might come to her city for holidays to stay with her, if my work lets me, I didn't promise to. It appeared that I won't be able to come, because I have some work to do. Now she planned a lot for the possible holiday and was waiting for my visit with impatience. What's her rush? She wants everything to go back to "the way it used to be" between the two of you? Honey, no. Gdunkman doesn't want that old relationship back - something didn't work in that first time. Second chances are not supposed to be a continuation of the old one. Yeesh. When I told her I won't be able to come, she went like you don't make any efforts, you don't need me, and we have no luck to be together. OH H*LL NO. No, no, no. G, she wants things her way, done according to what she wants, and being together has nothing to do with luck. It has everything to do with love and work. You're not going to make any heavy-handed efforts initially because you're still cautious about this and I really, really hope that you won't feel bad or guilty for that caution. You should be cautious. A loving partner will understand why you're being careful, especially when that partner's the one who walked away. You will put in the effort. You have been. The circumstances for this weekend getaway didn't work and you have said yourself that it isn't because you don't want to go to her. Something else is happening with her and again, it's her own insecurities about being with you again. She's scared too and you can help her with that, but only if she deals with it herself first. There's no amount of cajoling or comforting you can do; most of working through her fears has to come from her. Is she manipulating? She moved from her bf two weeks ago, can it be that she started to miss him, and she needs a reason to dump me once again? And the most important, what should I do? Obviously not to bend over backwards and come to see her, not caring a straw about my work. Try to talk? NC again? Thanks beforehand for your point of view. I know it's been a while since I posted. Have you spoken to her since then? I'm so pleased to see that you know and understand you have boundaries. This effort needs to come from both of you and it's not fair for her to throw a tantrum because things didn't go her way this time. Neither of you can be insecure in order for this to work and insecurity is normal; the thing is, you have to work through those insecurities as a team. Tell her what you need from her. Even if she leaves you again, you will remember that you didn't turn her away when she came running and that she was the one who came for you. You've already experienced the worst, G: her leaving you and finding someone else while you were still in love with her. So you know you can survive a break up from her again the second time around. NC is so good for that endeavor, which is knowing who you are, where everyone else that comes into your life serves merely as an enhancement to your happiness because you're already happy on your own. As a personal aside, it's sad to see that she didn't take more time for herself to be alone after she left the guy. Because if she still has unresolved residual issues from that, she'll end up taking those out on you instead and that's not fair to you and the relationship, either. Any updates? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gdunkman Posted June 14, 2011 Author Share Posted June 14, 2011 SHE WANTS WHAT SHE WANTS WHEN SHE WANTS IT! That's true. That's true for me as well. I do what I want, when I want it. I gave our relations a chance and I don't regret it by now. If they end, I don't want to blame her, as this time she didn't promise me anything, I act on my own risk. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gdunkman Posted June 14, 2011 Author Share Posted June 14, 2011 (edited) Any updates? Not much. I've managed to come and see her in the beginning of May, she came to me after that. Now she is in her city, I miss her and it looks like she misses me She is coming to me in two days. Yes, she is pushy, but that's the girl I've chosen, so I have to accept it or leave her. Our relations are not smooth, LDR makes them worse, but I love her, and hope someday we will be together, at least we plan it, and I can't see any big obstacles for it. Edited June 14, 2011 by Gdunkman Link to post Share on other sites
0hpenelope Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 Not much. I've managed to come and see her in the beginning of May, she came to me after that. Now she is in her city, I miss her and it looks like she misses me She is coming to me in two days. Yes, she is pushy, but that's the girl I've chosen, so I have to accept it or leave her. Our relations are not smooth, LDR makes them worse, but I love her, and hope someday we will be together, at least we plan it, and I can't see any big obstacles for it. This made me smile, G. Thanks for the update and good luck with your reconciliation! Link to post Share on other sites
Nantucket1984 Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 This made me smile, G. Thanks for the update and good luck with your reconciliation! Ohpenelope, I just wanted to say you have offered G very good advice and others as well. Would like to hear your advice/opinion on my story. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t282230/ Link to post Share on other sites
Nantucket1984 Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 Not much. I've managed to come and see her in the beginning of May, she came to me after that. Now she is in her city, I miss her and it looks like she misses me She is coming to me in two days. Yes, she is pushy, but that's the girl I've chosen, so I have to accept it or leave her. Our relations are not smooth, LDR makes them worse, but I love her, and hope someday we will be together, at least we plan it, and I can't see any big obstacles for it. Gdunkman, Read your story. I think you have handled everything really well. Your doing the right thing right now and I hope it works out for you. take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gdunkman Posted August 24, 2011 Author Share Posted August 24, 2011 Little update. Our relations are now on for 5 months, hope I will count years in future. The guy who was her rebound went to live abroad, to tell you the truth it made me feel more easy. We still in LDR, meet once a month for some days. Link to post Share on other sites
0hpenelope Posted September 5, 2011 Share Posted September 5, 2011 Aaahh, thanks for still coming back to share, Gdunkman! Good thoughts to you and yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gdunkman Posted November 17, 2011 Author Share Posted November 17, 2011 My post #100 is not the happy one. It is more than seven months since we started our second chance. She just did something I'm not going to tolerate with or it might be she didn't do it, but made it up to check my reaction, which is not likely, I might find out tomorrow. My plan is to start NC right away, we are at the different continents at the moment and will stop NC it if she gives me a really good explaination of what have happened. I will explain you the situation and ask for your support a bit later, may be I'm overreacting. As far as I remember NC is not an easy thing to do, I hope you will forgive me if I post here instead of contacting her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gdunkman Posted November 18, 2011 Author Share Posted November 18, 2011 I'm sorry, it was a false alarm. The point was that while we are really far away from each other, she didn't respond for my calls for two days, which is not a problem, BUT her friend, a girl, told me that my gf didn't answer the phone, because she went abroad to the country where the rebound guy, mentioned above lives. As it turned out today it was her friend's stupid joke, I'm still furious about that. This isn't the first time when this "friend" tries to spoil our relations, unfortunately she feels her power, because my gf is very attached to her and doesn't want to listen to me when I suggest that her friend spoils our relations. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gdunkman Posted November 22, 2011 Author Share Posted November 22, 2011 ... and eventually the story ended up just like many people predicted. Link to post Share on other sites
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