Sowing the seeds of doubt - what's the best choice in this case?

[Entropy3000]

Reading all the replies and my own posts I realised one thing, among many others : I never did actually take into consideration the attraction factor that you guys keep bringing up. I just didn't take it seriously because I thought a guy like him taking actual interest in someone like me is something that happens only in latin soap operas.

 

I mean, I just don't see a reason - and it's not only me - why he couldn't go for an available, younger, more attractive woman than me and I've actually seen a few that matched the description at the kids' club where our daughters go. Come to think of it, I don't even know if he has a gf or is in any type of relationship, it just didn't come up in our talks.

 

Eg of the above is how I described in my first post my initial reaction to his bet proposition: the first thing that struck me is not that he wants to have sex with me but that he might have caught my husband cheating on me.

 

I know I have trust and/or confidence issues, I should probably consider going to IC for that because they just seem to resurface at any occasion. My husband has always been very supportive knowing how I am, he makes me feel as protected as I need, I'm more emotionally attached to him than to any of the friends I've ever had and although he's not my best buddy, I can't replace him with no one else.

 

I just don't see myself going behind his back with another man, and if the friend's father were to take things again beyond the friendly zone, I don't see myself being so comfortable to allow the same degree of intimacy with him as I have with my H.

I guess some people who've married their first love maybe understand that?

 

Anyhow, even if I think more seriously about it and I were to be presented with solid proof that my husband has cheated on me, I'd be shattered and the last thing I would want to do then would be jumping in the bed with another man...

 

All in all, I'm just not making such a big deal out of the attraction thing, IMO it comes and goes and most people don't even act out on it. If you think I'm not being realistic about it, please feel free to comment

 

You are not being realistic. You obviously are impressed that this OM chooses you over a younger .... yadda yadda. That is exciting to a woman no doubt. For some men married women are a real target as they are a bigger prize. Also married women with teenage daughters have their own vulnerabilities that they can exploit. The fact that you were willing to meet with him after the proposition is a huge red flag that you are attracted to this guy and he is filling some emotional need.

 

I may have missed it, but why in the world do you think your husband has cheated on you? You are going by something a man who wants in your pants has said? UFB. Is it that easy!? That is a rhetorical question because under the right circumstances it is that easy.

 

If you are going to let this go on, I guess you can say you had the affair because your husband was not meeting your needs and many on this board will worship you for it. I am writing this because I think you are further gone than you realize.

[Stung]

Oh, Freesia. No. You are NOT being realistic about this.

 

As the previous poster says, you are farther gone than you seem to realize.

 

Your husband has excellent cause to doubt YOU at this point, and you are just digging your hole deeper.

[freesia]

I guess I needed to hear this from as many people as possible (the 'not being realistic' part) for it to sink in and have some effect on my mind...

 

I won't try to defend myself again, i know from experience that i need to be shaken sometimes to get a grip on reality. I didn't come on LS to seek approval, I think i knew i was not gonna like what i'd hear, so I'm happy that i wrote about my issue here.

The best thing i did about this lately (except writing on LS) is to mention some details of the situation to a good friend from back home yesterday when we talked on the phone after a long time.

I didn't say it was about me, i told it to her as a funny story/gossip about someone from work, starting like 'can you believe this one?'. And it really hit me that my friend, who is quite liberal in her views, didn't find it so funny and answered something like "did she just crawl from under a rock? that spells disaster all over. jeesh, how some people are..."

 

I know you've been telling me basically the same over and over, in many more words and it's starting to make sense now, a bit later but NOT too late yet. I've done nothing to make it worse this week, I've actually taken your advice and limited contact with him.

I still have to meet with him twice a week at our daughters' dance class and that is inevitable because there's no one else that can take my daughter to or from the club (my H cannot fit that into his schedule too) and there's no way that my daughter would give up the course.

 

But this week i've tried as much as possible to not be in his presence long enough for him to start up conversations with me, i just came and left in a hurry. i will try to do the same from now on, although it is not always possible as dance practice doesn't always start or end at fixed hours so I might still have to wait for my daughter in the lobby with him sometimes...

 

It's been hard for me to accept the general advice i received here NOT because I knew I was somehow attracted to him and was trying to conceal that and maybe get some encouragement from you, but because i was having (and i'm still having) a hard time accepting that there might be something wrong with the way I see people, or act around them and that they might not always be friendly for the most sincere reasons.

 

I don't secretly fantasize of sleeping with this man, as i mentioned it's not such a big thing that he is good-looking, i see men like him, or even better-looking on daily basis at work. And my H doesn't fall short in that respect either.

 

It's not that he'd be the first man to hit on me either, you can imagine that in 9 years of being a married woman and 6 of working in such pretty informal surroundings, i got my share of more or less innocent innuendos. but i always found them laughable, i never seriously considered any of that. That's really why i didn't even take his words seriously, because i'm used to hearing cheeky jokes, had i been uptight and taken everything to the heart, i wouldn't have survived in my work environment.

 

I think i tried to fight off the possibility that this could be a menace to my marriage only because i still wanted to believe he could be a friend. Yes, i understand it's not reasonable or safe to think like that, you don't have to rephrase that, i'm not that dense...

 

I never heard of something like this happening before to anyone and certainly never imagined what i would do in this situation before it just presented itself. I guess there are many more issues that must be addressed in my relationship with my H, since I just couldn't feel comfortable enough to tell him everything and, as many of you said, instead of running like hell from that man, i accepted seeing and talking to him again. Honestly, i consciously thought i was being polite and giving the man a chance to apologise, but if you all think that, subconsciously i must've had other reasons, i will just have to do some more introspection and see what can be solved...

Edited May 8, 2011 by freesia

[Entropy3000]

I think you should tell your husband but you know that already. Be prepared for the next onslaught from this guy. Avoid any calls or texting with him. That would get you caught anyway. He might try ot cause a fight between you and your husband and then try to "console" you. He may encounter you in the parling lot and so on. At the very least if he comes onto you again, simply tell him to stop or you will tell your husband. And then you must tell your husband for your own safety.

 

You may have said already. What kind of work do you do?

[Entropy3000]

BTW, the reason I have come off so strong on ths thread is that it hits home for me. I did not realize it at the time as I was in a total fog and in denial but I let my self be pulled into a brief EA. A lot of other things were going on that made me vulnerable. No excuses. I am absolutely someone who can be trusted. This seems contradictory but, my point is that sometimes the dopamine in our brains can be very powerful, especially in stressful times. To me she was just a friend and I truly believed that. We all have are limits. Knowing what they are is key. I have learned that I should think with my brain before I get into a situation where I might start thinking below the belt ....

 

My wife picked up on it, thankfully and got my attention. I did not know what she was talking about but since I was changing jobs and the other person was a co-worker there, I went NC. Well dang, I ended up going through a major withdrawal. I did miss my previous job as well but this was different. What a kick in the head. Who knew? It can happen to anyone. Later my wife and I read His Needs Her Needs and I had an epiphany. Wow, I realized I had an EA. Very brief and maybe the beginnings, but an EA none-the-less. Just because things feel alright does not mean they are.

 

So I learned what boundaries I needed to set for myself. This allows me to still have friends of the opposite sex and so on. But I have a much better sense for where the line is. I am one who cannot play "just the tip". I learned that even when we have a loving spouse and we trust them, that they can be put in a vulnerable spot as well. Maybe not a foolproof test but one that I suggest you employ is would the behavior you are doing at the time be ok if you knew your husband was watching. In your case would your husband approve of your actions, knowing what went on before. He may or may not have been concerned about you meeting up with this guy as you did. But if he knew about the other discussion it is highly likely he would care. The other thing is that folks do things that may actually be completely innocent but may give the appearance of crossing a boundary. These are harder but you get the idea.

 

I wish you luck. You might try reading His Needs Her Needs or something similar. If you can get your husband to read it as well it works best. Some of us guys naively think we are meeting our spouses needs by consuming ourselves with work. Well that may meet a need or two of the spouse but sacrifices others. Ultimately that makes our spouses vulnerable to an affair of some kind. It is not a matter of trusting your partner. It is realizing that only goes so far. If you love your partner and value your relationship you can help things along by doing your best to meet your partners top needs and reduce the possibility of them being vulnerable. If you worry about your husband straying you may want to investigate what his needs are and try to meet them. It is a two way street of course. Men and Women have many of the same needs but the priorities can be profoundly different and met in very different ways.

 

We need to be honest with ourselves and realize that if we run through the warnings and end up in an affair, then we deserve the consequences.

 

A man meeting the need of attention to a woman is very powerful. He does not have to be good looking. You are getting that from the OM. It sounds like you understand but realize this is powerful stuff.

Edited May 8, 2011 by Entropy3000

[Entropy3000]

Oh and don't beat yourself up. We are all human. We don't always take our own advice. We just thought you to be too trusting for your own good.

[freesia]

I don't know if this thread belongs in this category or if it should go under Infidelity now…but it is still somewhat connected to the original subject, so…

 

This is my 3rd night spent at a co-workers house and the 3rd day of no-talk treatment from my husband. It started Thursday, after I found out some things and confronted him about them.

 

The first thing I had found out was that he had sort of lied to me, or hidden

from me, the fact that wives/girlfriends were actually allowed to come to get-togethers after work with people from his workplace.

I found that out a few days before, when he left his pc open, hadn’t signed out of his FB account, so I gave it a look. I saw some pics posted by one friend/co-worker and they were from their last night-out, where my husband went but told me that he was sorry he couldn’t bring me along because the company pays only for their employees. It turns out other guys brought their wives/gfs as I saw in the pictures.

 

I didn’t say anything to him about it, thought that maybe he’d forgot to tell me and I’d ask the next time he goes out with people from work.

 

But, the next thing I found out made things really worse: I found a small note in the chest-pocket of one of his jackets that I was taking to cleaning. It had an address written on it and it wasn’t familiar to me. So, on Wednesday, he told me that he’d stay late at work, which from experience means 3-4 hours after schedule, but it got me a bit worried this time.

 

I went to work, after work I stopped for a coffee with my co-worker, then on my way home, I don’t know why, but I felt the need to divert and go to the address from the note. It was a block of flats and I was shocked to see my husband’ s car parked there!

 

He came back late, got into the shower, then straight to bed saying and we didn’t talk about it. I barely slept so the next morning I couldn’t help myself, I showed him the note told him that I saw his car parked there, so I know he wasn’t at work, so what’s it all about? I said while we’re at it, how about lying to me about partners not being allowed to company parties?

 

I practically saw his face going pale, the only thing he had to say was ‘are you following me around now like the damn police?’ , then he left to work. That left me flabbergasted, it was nothing close to what I expected him to say, he didn’t even try to explain himself.

So I went to work, he didn’t call or e-mail or anything, I went home and waited until my husband returned. He just came in, looked at me only once, said nothing, changed his clothes and left. I was really in a bad state so I called my co-worker and asked her if I could crash at her place for the night, she said ok.

 

I stopped by my house the next morning before work, but he wasn’t there and it looked like he hadn’t slept there. I went to work, he didn’t try to contact me at all, then I went home. It looked like he had been there, but he didn’t return, it was getting late in the evening, I couldn’t take it anymore and went to my co-worker’s place again.

 

I’ve been at her place now all day, but it’s the last night I can sleep here, because tomorrow evening her bf returns. This is incredibly stressing, I don’t know what to do, because we’ve never been in a situation like this before and I can’t believe that he’s not doing anything to make things better. It is like him to retreat in himself when he gets upset and he can stay like that for a long time. Usually, I’m the one who comes to him to patch up things, but in this case I just don’t think I should be the one to take the initiative.

 

I’m starting to fear the worse and it’s really shaken my perspective on our life. Our daughter is now on holiday at her grandparents, but she’ll be back at the end of next week and I dread to imagine how strange it would be for her if we don’t manage to clear things up between us.

 

I must admit I’m seriously suspecting my husband of cheating now and I’ve considered getting in contact with the father of my daughter’s friend, the one I mentioned in the beginning. I need a frank answer to this: was he aware of my husband having an affair with someone when he first mentioned it or does he have any part in this happening? I don’t know and don’t care if it’s been more or less than 3 months now since I didn’t even take him up on his bet.

 

Please give me your opinions and advice on this, because I’m really afraid that the situation might be more serious than I thought it to be and I don’t know what is the best way to go about it.

[Afishwithabike]

I'm so sorry to say this, but it seems to me he's having an affair or affairs. He might have been fooling around for quite a while.

 

He doesn't seem remorseful. Your reaction to what you discovered was normal and relatively tame to what I would have done in the same situation! Doing nothing in this situation is bad. You need to figure out your next move. I think you'll get better advice on the Infidelity section. Open a new discussion there. I'm sure the veterans there can tell you what to do next.

 

I've read the whole thread and your earlier reluctance to speak to him about the man who propositioned you seemed like an indication of poor communication in the marriage. It's confirmed based on the recent events. It also seems like your husband has more of an upper hand in your relationship.

 

I wouldn't contact that father who wanted to sleep with you. He's trouble and you really don't need his kind of help.