Intimacy problems --I'm a mess...

[koobeanz]

A few weeks ago, I posted a thread asking "how can I help a rape victim". The victim was my girlfriend and I wanted to help as much as possible...

 

The whole issue came up because we've been having some intimacy problems and she said she thinks that's why. Well since then nothing really got better, mainly because we haven't been in the same city. We were planning a move to her hometown and she went ahead of me. The plan was for me to follow later this month.

 

Things have been very stressful for her and I, it seems like we are constantly talking about problems that come up...i.e. what day we should move our stuff, what day we need to be out of our apartment, we can't get a new apartment until I start working, we need a place to stay in the mean time but since we have a large dog it's a problem. Just constantly new problems keep coming up.

 

Finally she said she needed time to herself and that it would be best if I didn't come when we planned. We broke up monday night, and tuesday we are back together. I asked her what is the problem and she said that she isn't being sexually pleased. She says she sees me only as a best friend and not sexually attractive anymore. She said she's been feeling it for some time now, but she just thought it was all on her, because of her past.

 

She said that she loves me more than anything in the world and that I've been the best boyfriend she has ever had. She doesn't want to lose me because of that, but at the same time she feels that she deserves a man who can please her.

I asked her what I was doing wrong and she listed a few things...

1) I need to kiss her more while we are having sex

2) I need to work on endurance, which is a biggie for her

3) I need to stop being so conservative

4) She wants more 4 play

 

I asked her if I worked on it, would it light her fire back up. She told me that she honestly didn't know, but it's worth a shot. She also said that she still needs time to herself and wants to find herself. I don't want to lose her and I'm willing to learn whatever I need to.

 

I just need advice on everything. She is only my second girlfriend and I told her in the begginning that you need to help me please you. She said that she got frustrated on trying to show me.

 

I'm listend to any advice anybody has...thanks

[overseas2004]

If your girlfriend is a rape victim she may be using the sexual problems as an excuse to get out of being too intimate with you.

 

I have had a similar experience with someone I loved recently. He left because he could not handle bieng intimate and being in love. He told me initially that I was to blame.

 

You need to ask yourself these questions... because it just does not make sense to me that someone says I love you but you don't please me sexually. I can see you not pleasing her sexually to be a problem but for me if I truly loved someone I would work on it.

 

Also you entitled your post as intimacy problems so my guess is that you know this might be the case.

 

Now if you find that the problem is her fear of intimacy... teh first thing you need to realize is that you can not love that away. She needs to address these issues herself. And when she does then she may be able to entertain a loving committed relationship. Before then, you are likely only to have problems with her. Believe me I just went through the same thing. We went through therapy and all sorts of crap. In the end I got my heart broken. And I had to ask myself ... was it worth it? The answer is no ... not unless that person wants to help themselves.

 

There is a great website where you can write to a therapist and in a few days you will get answers. It is mhsancutary.com. Go visit it. It might help you. Its all free. That site helped me to figure out a lot about my relationship and that I should get out of it...

 

Regards....

[koobeanz]

Ok my girlfriend and I have been talking alot about all kinds of issues. I decided to leave the city we were living in and move back to my hometown. She's gonna stay back in her hometown, where I was supposed to move later this month. We met online in October '02, and continued our relationship online til last May when she moved to my hometown. So I know that we can overcome the long distance thing.

 

I am slowly starting to think that the intimacy problems are not totally on me. She is having a really hard time finding answers, and I told her that all I want to do is help her find some answers. She told me that she isn't attracted to the idea of having sex with me and I'm just the opposite. I am always turned on by her, whether I see her in a photo or in person, I just want to always have sex with her. Anyways I'm just stating that because she said that she had felt the same before but now she doesn't.

 

I noticed a pattern and I want to know if it's worth any thought. When we would talk online, she said she wanted me more than anything in the world. But she couldn't at the time, cause we were in two different states. When we were moving her back to my hometown, there were a few times where there were people around and it made it challenging to have sex. ie: we spent one night in her father's living room and tried to not get caught. Several times we shared a hotel room and the same thing, not get caught. She actually told me the last time she wanted me more than anything was last november when we shared a hotel room with my dad and sister. She tried to seduce me while they were sleeping and we were drunk.

 

This made me realize that she only really wanted me when she couldn't have me. I admit that I have had troubles with endurance, but I've been working on them and I've been making sure that I have been getting her to orgasim as much as possible too. So it shocked me when she told me she wasn't being satisfied. She told me that just because she's orgasiming, that doesn't mean that every feeling she had is still there.

 

What really makes me think that this is more on her, is her ex boyfriend lived in a different country. She would see him when ever she could. They dated for 5 years and she always drove to see him, cause he couldn't get into the US. Well I found out that he finally made it into the US but had a hard time finding work. They lived together for 8 months and she finally told him it's not working. That she just doesn't feel the same. This made me think that before they lived together, she couldn't see him whenever she wanted and she desired him becasue she couldn't have him, just like she desired me when she couldn't have me.

 

My third point, is that after him and before me. She met a military man. They never started dating, but she told me that they had a sexual relationship. He would leave for a few months and then come back and she would want him. I asked her if she ever lost the feelings for him and she doesn't have them anymore, but she said that she didn't really lose them like she did with me or her ex. He actually called the whole thing off. My point is that she desired him because he was away on duty and couldn't have him when she wanted.

 

I need to know if this sounds like a pattern to anyone else. She isn't buying it and she said that even if it is the problem, how would she fix it. Is there something that lies deeper that would make her not desire someone once she could have them when ever she wanted. Is there something I could do to help. I told her that it might be a good idea to talk to a counsler or therapist. I love this woman sooo much and want to help her overcome this, if that's what it is. I really don't think that this should or could stop us from living a beautiful life together. Just a bump in the road that we need to smooth out.