Possible meet up with ex. Any thoughts?

[Heidi89]

Hey, I really need some advice. My ex broke up with me over text two months ago. I took him for granted and didn't treat him the way I should have. I didn't see this until after we broke up because I was stupid and ignorant and he didn't tell me how he felt.

 

Anyway, he wouldn't speak to me and his sister has advised me to ask to talk to him because she thinks he will now. I want him back. I want to prove that I realise the mistakes I made and how much I love him. However, she said that he's made a decision and he's sticking to it, and that she doubts it will get us back together so I feel like she's only advising me to have this conversation with him for closure.

 

Is there anything I can do or say to increase my chances of reconciliation? I really love this guy and I hate myself for hurting him

[1784]

Hi Heidi,

 

I'm no authority here but I'll give you what I think. He broke up with you, over text no less. I don't like that but that's another story. The thing is, YOU may have realized that you took him for granted and didn't treat him the way you should have. These are things that are in your own reality. There are realizations about you that he has to come to. And I feel that realizations are very personal things. They need to be realized on one's own. If you try to make him realize anything it'll come off as a sales pitch. No one should have to sell themselves to anyone else. A person should like you as you are or else it won't work, and if it does work it'll most certainly be short lived. Either way, he is going to come to his own realizations about you sooner or later.

 

Having said that, if you think you have some unfinished business with him, things you need to say to him, things he may not know, etc, then I think you should. But you would have to do this knowing full well that you stand a good chance of getting nothing in return. You'd solely be doing it because you feel like you have to. Because you feel he needs to know these things. You'll get a lot of people who preach No Contact and all that, and No Contact certainly has its place in certain situations. But you only live once. You can put it all out there on the line or you can tuck it away. This is your choice.

 

You have to weigh both options based on what you want to happen. If you choose to let him come to you, you have to realize that there's a very good chance it'll never happen. You have to be okay with that. If you choose to contact him then that's another risk that you have to be willing to take. All I can say is that if you DO decide to contact him you have to do it for the right reasons, don't come off as desperate and speak from the heart and mind. Don't just be a puddle of tears. Desperation is not attractive. Confidence is.

 

One last thing. It takes two people to make a relationship fail. There may be reasons why it didn't work out with this guy that you are overlooking. Maybe you took him for granted because he didn't fulfill you the way you need to be fulfilled. You have to be honest with yourself as to why you want him back. Only you know the answers to these questions.

 

So that's it. You have options. I'm sorry that I can't give you a definite answer as to what to do but how could anyone? It's your life, your choice and no one knows your situation the way you do. All I hope I did is make you think about what each choice represents. If you have any questions, ask away. And listen to the other people here as they are quite wise.

 

Good luck in your search for answers.

 

-1784

[Heidi89]

Thanks 1974..I really want to make things work with him but he's so determined to stick to his decision. I just don't know how I can let him know what I'm willing to do to make things work

[Fufu]

1784 sums it all out for you

 

A relationship needs 2 to make it work.

 

You want to work out the relationship, however he doesn't feel the same way.

[Heidi89]

1784 sums it all out for you

 

A relationship needs 2 to make it work.

 

You want to work out the relationship, however he doesn't feel the same way.

 

 

I know, I feel like this is my last chance to make an impression on him and hope that he changes his mind in time. I have no idea what to say!

[nana841121]

Breaking up with you through a text ? sounds horrible

 

stay cool , never show any needy or miserable side in front of you

[1784]

You may want to just reach out to him and see what happens. I wouldn't put so much pressure on first contact. No matter what you rehearse things never go quite that way. You could contact him, see how responds to it and then plan your next move from that. if you put a lot of pressure on that first contact he'll probably go running for the hills. I'd keep it friendly and see what he gives/doesn't give you. If it goes relatively well (friendly) you can think about letting him know about the regrets you have.

[Heidi89]

You may want to just reach out to him and see what happens. I wouldn't put so much pressure on first contact. No matter what you rehearse things never go quite that way. You could contact him, see how responds to it and then plan your next move from that. if you put a lot of pressure on that first contact he'll probably go running for the hills. I'd keep it friendly and see what he gives/doesn't give you. If it goes relatively well (friendly) you can think about letting him know about the regrets you have.

 

Oh dear..too late. I texted him today and asked if we could meet for a chat. He said he was busy but that he'd maybe see me next week. I told him that I know he's made his decision about us but that I just wanted to tell him how I feel and see his perspective. I said that I know he doesn't owe me anything but I'd appreciate a bit of his time. He said he doesn't mind giving me some of his time and that was about it. Oh no

[1784]

Okay, don't panic. You need to chill out. Wait it out a bit. You've planted the seed in his brain that you want to meet. Believe me, it'll grow. See if he gets in touch with you next week. In the meantime, relax. And if you do set something up where you meet up with him don't go all nuts on him. Like I said before, he'll freak out and run away. Just be yourself and SHOW him that you appreciate him and his company. A lof of us do too much talking around here. Actions speak louder than words. If you want to show him that you miss him then just being with him and enjoying his company will be a good enough start. Don't make things more complicated than they need to be. You two ARE broken up, after all, and neither of you owe the other anything.

[Heidi89]

Okay, don't panic. You need to chill out. Wait it out a bit. You've planted the seed in his brain that you want to meet. Believe me, it'll grow. See if he gets in touch with you next week. In the meantime, relax. And if you do set something up where you meet up with him don't go all nuts on him. Like I said before, he'll freak out and run away. Just be yourself and SHOW him that you appreciate him and his company. A lof of us do too much talking around here. Actions speak louder than words. If you want to show him that you miss him then just being with him and enjoying his company will be a good enough start. Don't make things more complicated than they need to be. You two ARE broken up, after all, and neither of you owe the other anything.

 

I really don't know how to act..the point of it is to show him how much he means to me and that I want us to try again. How can I do that without actually saying it? His sister said I should tell him how I feel..what I learned about myself and about him, what I'm willing to put into trying again etc. I think he knows that this is what the purpose is since he wouldn't talk to me when we broke up..he seems really indifferent towards me which is awful, but his sister seems to think he is feeling love overridden by anger and upset at what happened between us, and is determined to stick to his decision.. She said that this meeting won't get us back together, but if I can let him know how I feel and how sorry I am for my mistakes it may lead to something in the future, or it may just confirm for me that I need to put it to rest and move on. I have no idea what to say or do..

[1784]

Look, if he was going to die tomorrow or if he was going to Australia for 5 years then I could understand your desperation to tell him everything that's been on your mind. But he's not dying tomorrow and he's not moving countries. That's my point. You can't force this. You can't treat it like a make or break meeting, at least in my opinion. If you put all this pressure on it he's going to feel it. And if he feels it he most likely won't really enjoy it. People like to feel good. People like to have fun. People like to come to their own decisions about things. So you don't have to force-feed him apologies.

 

At some point I think you SHOULD talk to him about how you've felt since the breakup but I don't think the first meetup is the right time. Understand what I'm saying?

[Heidi89]

Look, if he was going to die tomorrow or if he was going to Australia for 5 years then I could understand your desperation to tell him everything that's been on your mind. But he's not dying tomorrow and he's not moving countries. That's my point. You can't force this. You can't treat it like a make or break meeting, at least in my opinion. If you put all this pressure on it he's going to feel it. And if he feels it he most likely won't really enjoy it. People like to feel good. People like to have fun. People like to come to their own decisions about things. So you don't have to force-feed him apologies.

 

At some point I think you SHOULD talk to him about how you've felt since the breakup but I don't think the first meetup is the right time. Understand what I'm saying?

 

I do, but his sister has told him that he should speak to me regarding our relationship and where things went wrong, since I got no explanation when we broke up, so that is what he's expecting. If I just turn up and be friendly and pretend like we were never together then surely this would confuse him more?

[1784]

I'm saying see how it goes. You don't want to show up and then rattle off a dozen things that you're sorry about. He won't believe you. Like I said, it'll come off like a sales pitch. Is this what you want?

 

You can be as sorry as you like but he still has to LIKE you. He still has to enjoy being with you. Be friendly. Be nice. Let him know you care. Ask how he's been doing. You'll get to the 'relationship talk' sooner or later.

 

Do you want to come across as some psycho or do you want to come across as someone he could love again? Your choice.

[Heidi89]

I'm saying see how it goes. You don't want to show up and then rattle off a dozen things that you're sorry about. He won't believe you. Like I said, it'll come off like a sales pitch. Is this what you want?

 

You can be as sorry as you like but he still has to LIKE you. He still has to enjoy being with you. Be friendly. Be nice. Let him know you care. Ask how he's been doing. You'll get to the 'relationship talk' sooner or later.

 

Do you want to come across as some psycho or do you want to come across as someone he could love again? Your choice.

 

I'm worried in case this is like a 'closure' meeting and the last chance I have to say my piece. Out of interest, where would you suggest we go? I just said to 'meet up' and I thought maybe go for a walk if the relationship was going to be the main point of being there. But if I play things the way you suggest, where should I ask him to go in your opinion?

[1784]

I know that you're nervous and it's quite understandable. I recently had a dinner with my ex after 1 month + of no contact. I went into it trying to figure out what I'd say, what I wouldn't say, etc. You never know how it's going to go. The only thing you can do is to get in the right mindset. Conversations happen sentence by sentence. It's not like he's going to say "So, what do you want for lunch" and then your reply is "I really took you for granted". See what I mean? You have to let things flow. If you get to a point where you feel comfortable talking about the relationship then ease into it. But don't give yourself an ultimatum about it. Don't force it. It'll come off as desperate and uncomfortable. You need to slowly drift into that kind of a talk. It's an important one.

 

As for where to meet up... someplace casual. Somewhere you can both feel free to talk and be yourselves. I wouldn't necessarily make it a walk because that seems DRAMATIC. I don't think you want to create this air of DRAMA over the whole thing. You both want to feel comfortable. I don't know where you live or how old you are so it's tough to suggest a specific place. Can you think of anything that fits the bill?

[Heidi89]

I know that you're nervous and it's quite understandable. I recently had a dinner with my ex after 1 month + of no contact. I went into it trying to figure out what I'd say, what I wouldn't say, etc. You never know how it's going to go. The only thing you can do is to get in the right mindset. Conversations happen sentence by sentence. It's not like he's going to say "So, what do you want for lunch" and then your reply is "I really took you for granted". See what I mean? You have to let things flow. If you get to a point where you feel comfortable talking about the relationship then ease into it. But don't give yourself an ultimatum about it. Don't force it. It'll come off as desperate and uncomfortable. You need to slowly drift into that kind of a talk. It's an important one.

 

As for where to meet up... someplace casual. Somewhere you can both feel free to talk and be yourselves. I wouldn't necessarily make it a walk because that seems DRAMATIC. I don't think you want to create this air of DRAMA over the whole thing. You both want to feel comfortable. I don't know where you live or how old you are so it's tough to suggest a specific place. Can you think of anything that fits the bill?

 

That makes so much sense actually! I think things will be awkward, we haven't seen eachother in almost two months and his sister said he is still hurt and upset so I'm scared in case he's still unreceptive and things get uncomfortable. I will be nervous too I guess!

 

I don't know, it will be around 5pm I think, and he will be going to work afterwards so we can't do anything that will last too long. I was thinking possibly going for food? We're both 22. I don't want it to feel too 'datey' for him in case he feels I'm trying to push him back into a relationship. I appreciate your advice so much! I literally had no idea what to do before I posted on here!

[1784]

Ya know, things will probably be a lot more nerve-racking before you meet up with him than when you actually do see him. Your mind is a lot more dangerous than he is. The important thing isn't to rehearse what you'll say to him. All you really need to do is get yourself into a calm and relaxed state (as best you can). If your aim is true then you'll be fine.

 

There's going to be a lot of apprehension on both your parts. That's just human nature. I'm sure that once you meet up, start talking, etc, you'll both find a rhythm again. It's amazing how two people can easily find that old rhythm with one another after just a few minutes. It'll feel comfortable and you'll relax a bit. From there, just go with the flow of the conversation. It's a sensitive situation so don't force anything. Let him like you again before you start going haywire about apologies and regrets and so forth. That'll make you both uncomfortable. Remember, you're going to want him feeling good when he goes to work, not rotten. You want to keep it simple and light. And if things do get to your relationship then tread lightly. He'll be able to tell where you're coming from.

 

Yeah, definitely don't make it feel too datey. Perhaps just get a bite to eat. That sounds good to me.

[Heidi89]

Ya know, things will probably be a lot more nerve-racking before you meet up with him than when you actually do see him. Your mind is a lot more dangerous than he is. The important thing isn't to rehearse what you'll say to him. All you really need to do is get yourself into a calm and relaxed state (as best you can). If your aim is true then you'll be fine.

 

There's going to be a lot of apprehension on both your parts. That's just human nature. I'm sure that once you meet up, start talking, etc, you'll both find a rhythm again. It's amazing how two people can easily find that old rhythm with one another after just a few minutes. It'll feel comfortable and you'll relax a bit. From there, just go with the flow of the conversation. It's a sensitive situation so don't force anything. Let him like you again before you start going haywire about apologies and regrets and so forth. That'll make you both uncomfortable. Remember, you're going to want him feeling good when he goes to work, not rotten. You want to keep it simple and light. And if things do get to your relationship then tread lightly. He'll be able to tell where you're coming from.

 

Yeah, definitely don't make it feel too datey. Perhaps just get a bite to eat. That sounds good to me.

 

I'm so nervous..I told him that I wanted to see him to talk about us so that's why I'm worried. He's expecting it, so if I don't bring it up he may think I'm just messing him around. What happened when you went for dinner with your ex after no contact?

[Flgirl44]

The vast majority of relationships don't work, even when the two people enter the relationship head over heels.....what do you think the chances are with one were you are coaxing him back into it? Two people need to want to be with each other 100%, and even then chances aren't good that they will be "the one" for each other. I think this ship has sailed. Unless of course you want to settle...

[1784]

@Heidi - you should read through my thread (Houston, We Have Contact). All the details are in there.

 

@Flgirl44 - way to be positive. lol

[Johnny85]

@Heidi - you should read through my thread (Houston, We Have Contact). All the details are in there.

 

@Flgirl44 - way to be positive. lol

 

LOL, I was thinking the exact same thing, 1784. haha:D

[Flgirl44]

@Heidi - you should read through my thread (Houston, We Have Contact). All the details are in there.

 

@Flgirl44 - way to be positive. lol

 

 

haha okay I am a bit pessimistic at times, but why are you encouraging her to pursue a relationship with someone who has told his family it's over? It's not easy for guys to open up about their relationships and he has told his family it's over and he wants to stick to it. Doesn't his opinion matter in this? Why not respect that instead of telling this individual how she can manipulate him back into her life?

 

Edit: I wanted to say OP, it's not that im not sympathetic to the feeling of loose ends and should've/ would've/could've but sometimes you only have one shot. And if it was a big enough deal breaker to break up with you over im skeptical that the relationship would be smooth sailing even if you were to get back together. That's just not the normal progression of things, that's what I was trying to get at with my earlier post. Apologies for coming off insensitive.

Edited April 22, 2011 by Flgirl44

[Heidi89]

haha okay I am a bit pessimistic at times, but why are you encouraging her to pursue a relationship with someone who has told his family it's over? It's not easy for guys to open up about their relationships and he has told his family it's over and he wants to stick to it. Doesn't his opinion matter in this? Why not respect that instead of telling this individual how she can manipulate him back into her life?

 

Edit: I wanted to say OP, it's not that im not sympathetic to the feeling of loose ends and should've/ would've/could've but sometimes you only have one shot. And if it was a big enough deal breaker to break up with you over im skeptical that the relationship would be smooth sailing even if you were to get back together. That's just not the normal progression of things, that's what I was trying to get at with my earlier post. Apologies for coming off insensitive.

 

 

He told his sister but it took him almost 8 weeks for him to actually open up about it. He went a little crazy after the breakup, getting involved in drugs and people he normally wouldn't..he wouldn't speak to anybody about the breakup when they tried to ask him, not even me. His sister said he was just being stubborn and that he would come round. I had no explanation except 'I've had enough, I don't want a relationship' which was over text. I may be wrong, but maybe he is beginning to mellow out a little and wants to give me a chance to explain my side of things. He bottled things up until he snapped and felt he had no choice but to walk away. Those are his issues, that he is unable to communicate well, not mine. But we are both young and have a lot to learn. I'm not saying that this will lead to a reconciliation, but I would like to know his feelings and to share mine with him

[Flgirl44]

He told his sister but it took him almost 8 weeks for him to actually open up about it. He went a little crazy after the breakup, getting involved in drugs and people he normally wouldn't..he wouldn't speak to anybody about the breakup when they tried to ask him, not even me. His sister said he was just being stubborn and that he would come round. I had no explanation except 'I've had enough, I don't want a relationship' which was over text. I may be wrong, but maybe he is beginning to mellow out a little and wants to give me a chance to explain my side of things. He bottled things up until he snapped and felt he had no choice but to walk away. Those are his issues, that he is unable to communicate well, not mine. But we are both young and have a lot to learn. I'm not saying that this will lead to a reconciliation, but I would like to know his feelings and to share mine with him

 

I know that when I told my ex I had righted my wrongs, it made a difference and he softened up to me, but he had also already gone too far and hooked up with other people. I think he might be open to your feelings about the subject now that he has had time to cool down. I think your last statement is a good idea, to go into it with the intention of sharing your feelings with one another and nothing else attached to it. If you don't want him to leave the relationship thinking that you are okay with the way you treated him, let him know that, and I would let him know as concisely as possible so that way it sticks. Sometimes if you over talk things they lose their significance or can be seen as emotionally draining. I would clear the air, but do it for you(not for him, or to get him back), and then move the convo to something more uplifting so it's not remembered as a downer talk. Goodluck!

[Heidi89]

I know that when I told my ex I had righted my wrongs, it made a difference and he softened up to me, but he had also already gone too far and hooked up with other people. I think he might be open to your feelings about the subject now that he has had time to cool down. I think your last statement is a good idea, to go into it with the intention of sharing your feelings with one another and nothing else attached to it. If you don't want him to leave the relationship thinking that you are okay with the way you treated him, let him know that, and I would let him know as concisely as possible so that way it sticks. Sometimes if you over talk things they lose their significance or can be seen as emotionally draining. I would clear the air, but do it for you(not for him, or to get him back), and then move the convo to something more uplifting so it's not remembered as a downer talk. Goodluck!

 

 

Thank you for that