1784 Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 haha okay I am a bit pessimistic at times, but why are you encouraging her to pursue a relationship with someone who has told his family it's over? It's not easy for guys to open up about their relationships and he has told his family it's over and he wants to stick to it. Doesn't his opinion matter in this? Why not respect that instead of telling this individual how she can manipulate him back into her life? I'm not encouraging anyone to do anything. Heidi asked us all for our opinion and I chimed in with what I thought. Obviously this is something that she wants to do and feels she needs to do. If that's the case then I think she should. There's nothing worse in life than regret. Sometimes lessons are tough. Sometimes things don't work out how you planned them in your head. But if your aim is true then I think no matter what happens you will be better for it in the end. There seem to be some things that Heidi feels the need to communicate to her ex. I think if she truly wants to do this then she should. It's only life, after all. There's nothing that she's going to do that will maim her. As for "his" opinion mattering... no, he didn't ask me his opinion on the situation. Heidi asked me hers. Why don't we let "him" tell her what his opinion is? I realize that they are broken up. I realize that he made a decision. But if there are things that need to be said, expressed, etc, then they should be. She has nothing to lose. If things don't work out then she's right back where she started - single. No big deal. Plus, she will have said what she needed to say to him. I think that's a good way to move forward with her life. Things left unsaid really suck. I think in my previous replies I explained that Heidi shouldn't expect to get him back. She can hope that things work out if she's willing to take that risk but it certainly shouldn't be expected. She has to realize that it may just be over, for good. What she says may not change his mind in any way, shape or form. The relationship may be truly over. It's what she wants from the meeting that's most important. In my estimation what she should truly want is to tell him how she feels and not expect anything particular in return. we're talking about her here and what she feels she has to do. You have to respect that. I do. I think it takes courage to go take a leap of faith not knowing at all what the outcome may be. The end result could be quite undesirable for all she knows. But, again, that's the risk. Sometimes risks pay dividends and sometimes they just leave you feeling empty. I say if she's willing to accept the fact that this may just be one and done meeting then she has nothing to lose and everything to gain. At the very least she will have had the chance to express these things she feels she must. Also, one way or another, lessons will be learned, growth will be fostered and a new beginning (of some sort) will ensue. She has my blessing. I think it takes guts and I admire her for going with what she feels she needs to do. She just needs to be careful about expectations. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heidi89 Posted April 23, 2011 Author Share Posted April 23, 2011 I'm not encouraging anyone to do anything. Heidi asked us all for our opinion and I chimed in with what I thought. Obviously this is something that she wants to do and feels she needs to do. If that's the case then I think she should. There's nothing worse in life than regret. Sometimes lessons are tough. Sometimes things don't work out how you planned them in your head. But if your aim is true then I think no matter what happens you will be better for it in the end. There seem to be some things that Heidi feels the need to communicate to her ex. I think if she truly wants to do this then she should. It's only life, after all. There's nothing that she's going to do that will maim her. As for "his" opinion mattering... no, he didn't ask me his opinion on the situation. Heidi asked me hers. Why don't we let "him" tell her what his opinion is? I realize that they are broken up. I realize that he made a decision. But if there are things that need to be said, expressed, etc, then they should be. She has nothing to lose. If things don't work out then she's right back where she started - single. No big deal. Plus, she will have said what she needed to say to him. I think that's a good way to move forward with her life. Things left unsaid really suck. I think in my previous replies I explained that Heidi shouldn't expect to get him back. She can hope that things work out if she's willing to take that risk but it certainly shouldn't be expected. She has to realize that it may just be over, for good. What she says may not change his mind in any way, shape or form. The relationship may be truly over. It's what she wants from the meeting that's most important. In my estimation what she should truly want is to tell him how she feels and not expect anything particular in return. we're talking about her here and what she feels she has to do. You have to respect that. I do. I think it takes courage to go take a leap of faith not knowing at all what the outcome may be. The end result could be quite undesirable for all she knows. But, again, that's the risk. Sometimes risks pay dividends and sometimes they just leave you feeling empty. I say if she's willing to accept the fact that this may just be one and done meeting then she has nothing to lose and everything to gain. At the very least she will have had the chance to express these things she feels she must. Also, one way or another, lessons will be learned, growth will be fostered and a new beginning (of some sort) will ensue. She has my blessing. I think it takes guts and I admire her for going with what she feels she needs to do. She just needs to be careful about expectations. Thank you for your support 1784. I feel sick and nervous worrying about it. He said he couldn't see me today because he had lots to do..but my friend saw on his facebook status that he was just chilling out until nightshift tonight. Do you think that he just doesn't want to see me and may just be stringing me along about seeing me next week? Or is it possible that he needs time to think about what to say to me hence not wanting to see me straight away? I'm so worried Link to post Share on other sites
1784 Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 I can understand why you feel sick and nervous but here is the mind-frame that you have to get into... You can only control your own actions and thoughts. You two are not together and neither one of you owes the other anything. If a friend of yours just didn't feel like hanging out today you wouldn't get sick over it, you'd just see that friend another day. That's how you have to look at this, as hard as it is. You already let him know that you want to get together. That's enough. He knows. Now the ball is in his court and he can do with it what he wants. The only thing you can worry about is you and right now you did what you thought you needed to do. Leave it be. If he doesn't want to see you today then he doesn't want to see you. Respect that. You have no other choice. Stop trying to get into his head. Stop trying to figure out what he wants and doesn't want to do. It's all speculation. You only know what he shows and tells you. Maybe he just wasn't up to it today. You don't know the answer so stop trying to figure one out. It'll drive you nuts. He's not in your life at the moment so go about your day like that. do something for you. You don't NEED him to live, you just want to see if there's a possibility of him being in your life again. Those are two different things. Do what's right for you. Right now YOU are the only person you need to worry about. Later on if you reconnect with him that'll be a different story but right now there is only you. Live that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Fufu Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 Heidi, you need to get a grip on yourself. Look at the whole situation again, are you really happy now? or are you being too obsessive of what he feels and thinks. Remember, he chose to leave this relationship. If he wants to be with you again, he has to be the one, HIMSELF to realize that breaking up with you is not the path he should choose. Until then, if it happens, you should focus on yourself to move on. We all want the person we love to choose us actively and to be with us willingly. You had done more than enough and it's time to take a step back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heidi89 Posted April 23, 2011 Author Share Posted April 23, 2011 You had done more than enough. I disagree with this statement quite strongly for reasons I have already outlined in this thread. Nevertheless, thank you for your input. Link to post Share on other sites
Fufu Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 It's your decision Just my personal view in your situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heidi89 Posted April 23, 2011 Author Share Posted April 23, 2011 It's your decision Just my personal view in your situation. I know, and I understand why you advise this. I just feel it is something I need to do so I feel that I have done all I can. Accept responsibility for my mistakes, apologise for hurting him, and maybe find out how he felt since we never had this talk when we broke up. His sister has warned me that this talk will not get us back together, but I still feel like it is something I should do if he gives me the opportunity. Thank you again for your input! Link to post Share on other sites
Fufu Posted April 23, 2011 Share Posted April 23, 2011 It's entirely up to you Though, I only have to say, always be mentally prepared to hear things that you do not wish to hear. As well as, if he is still firm in his decision. All the best to you Link to post Share on other sites
Flgirl44 Posted April 24, 2011 Share Posted April 24, 2011 If you are apologizing to get him back it will come across desperate and sad. If you do it for yourself, almost like 'I could give a f*ck what you think I need to say this' it actually comes off better, more sincere, and less manipulative. Using too much emotion can be a form of manipulation. Just some advice from someone who had made that mistake. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heidi89 Posted April 24, 2011 Author Share Posted April 24, 2011 If you are apologizing to get him back it will come across desperate and sad. If you do it for yourself, almost like 'I could give a f*ck what you think I need to say this' it actually comes off better, more sincere, and less manipulative. Using too much emotion can be a form of manipulation. Just some advice from someone who had made that mistake. Good luck Thank you for that piece of advice! I'm not going to ask for him back, I'm just going to be as relaxed as possible and tell him how I feel, where I feel things may have gone wrong, and ask where he feels that things went wrong. He is terrible at communicating, hence why we broke up - he felt that running away was easier than sitting down and talking. Maybe if we can discuss things he might realise that talking isn't actually all that bad, and that there are two sides to every story and I should have had a chance to explain mine! That's if he even sees me... Link to post Share on other sites
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