tomcatf14g Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 ok ive been on another forum for infidelity asking for advice on how to deal with my wifes affair. though it has helped me alot as towards getting back my backbone and standing up for myself, everything else towards my marriage seems really negitive. hey i get that. but before i completely walk away from my marriage i just want to see if i can get some positive solid advice on things i might be able to do to actually save my marriage and my family. at this point i may or may not act on it but i have to atleast see if there is anything else out there that i havent tried or havent atleast considered. so here is some back story. My wife and i have been together for 10yrs married for three. we have two wonderful kids together and though it has been tough at times have had a good relationship till recently. about 2 months ago i discovered that my wife had been having an affair that had already been going on for 2 months. at the time i was a long haul truck driver and she would have this OM over whenever i left for the road. i also discovered that she had slept with other men in the last year and that she was falling seriously for this one guy. on our anniversarry in feb she moved me out of the house and moved him in. things between us though did seem to get better until this guy got back from a training excercise (he is in the army) once he got back though she cut off all contact with me and when i did see her she rubbed him in my face with no care or remorse or consideration for my feelings. to make a long story short about a week ago i reported the OM to his command and got him removed from my home but now my wife is furious with me. refuses to talk to me and now is even preventing me from talking to my children. i filled for divorce 2 weeks ago and set up a parenting plan that prevents her from doing this but i have yet to serve her the papers because i do still love her, am willing to forgive her, and still want to save my marriage. she seems like a completely diffrent person all of a sudden and is acting very unstable. Im prepared to go all the way now with the divorce and am trying my best to have NC with her. but i hve good days and bad days and i still am constantly thinking about her. she blames me for ruining her life because i got the OM removed from the house and she will not let me move back into the house. so in a nut shell things have gone from bad to worse. before i make any other steps towards divorce which she wants and i dont i would like to hear from people with a more positive outlook of my situation and see if anyone can offer me some good advice that i might not have tried yet. help me make a better informed descion. i want to make damn sure i have tried everything there is to try before i completely walk away. any thoughts would be very helpful. again i want some postive advice from people. especially if there are any of you who have done and felt like my wife does. or other who have been in my shoes and managed to save their own marriage. pls help if u can Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 Divorce Busters, call them pronto. BTW, if you want to save this don't rush anything. Just cool off and take a step back, collect yourself and come up with a plan instead of being so reactive. Link to post Share on other sites
SoMovinOn Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 You want a more positive outlook? How about... I am positive if you do anything other than divorce this chick, you will regret it later after you waste more of your life and end up getting divorced anyway. Why would you even want to think about staying with her? Life is too short, you deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 You want a more positive outlook? How about... I am positive if you do anything other than divorce this chick, you will regret it later after you waste more of your life and end up getting divorced anyway. Why would you even want to think about staying with her? Life is too short, you deserve better. It is a deeply personal decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tomcatf14g Posted April 22, 2011 Author Share Posted April 22, 2011 hey tigers i have always liked ur advice. ur right i need not ne reacyive and i kinda have been lately. thats why i posted here for some slightly diffrent advice. on the other post i have they have been right about me taking back my power and what not. it was a freat help. but i really kinda am shyed off a little from all the neg. i know a few marriages that were worse off then mine is now that recovered and now have wonderful marriages. everyone was right about me needing to protect myself to. ive done all that and i got OM removed. but now i feel its time for a little damage control and to just buy me some time to see if things can or will cool off, its only been 2 months. for me thats way to fast to just jumop into a divorce and end a 10yr relationship. especcially with the kids involved. i do still know my wife and i do know given some space and time she will wake up and see the light. IDK maybe. but why should i rush something if i dont have to just yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Windsurf66 Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 u mean even if she agrees to reconcile, you would trust her after all she has done? The blatant cheating, the rubbing it in your face. For this kinda of woman, for me, she behaved like a whore and is only fit to be like one to provide sexual services, i.e. only fit to be my sex buddy Link to post Share on other sites
Author tomcatf14g Posted April 22, 2011 Author Share Posted April 22, 2011 look it would take time and work to redevelop trust. i have never said i would blindly trust her again. she would have to earn that back. what i have always said is that i can forgive her and yes if she does becoming willing to reconcile (which i know at some point she will) i could eventually trust her again. it would be hard and it would be work but im willing to try. atleast at that point i could truly say i tried everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tomcatf14g Posted April 22, 2011 Author Share Posted April 22, 2011 and again please i said positive advice this time. i have had enough of all the neg. responses. look i get what my wife has become and i get ur opinons on her. it takes a special guy i guess to still be willing to try. maybe thats why my uncle was able to stick around when my aunt did the exact same thing to him. oh by they way they have now been married 27 yrs since her affairs and they have one of the best marriages i have ever seen in my life. it wasnt esy for them after the betrayl and she was even worse in a lot of ways then my wife is now. but they made it and after a few yrs got thru it. thats what i hope for. i understand it may never happen but g damn*t i atleast wanna try if there is a way i can. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 Tomcat...whether you realize it or not...my advice has always left the door open for reconciliation for your marriage. Here's something I'd like you to consider. Women don't love a man that they can't respect. Women don't respect men that they can control/walk all over. Women tend to respect men who are willing to fight for them/for the marriage. I learned this as a result of my wife's EA. After it was all done, once we began to reconcile...she thanked me for taking the stance that I did. Thanked me for giving us another chance. The problem that I see that you face right now is that you're still afraid. You're afraid of losing her, afraid of the relationship ending. Here's the thing...you've already lost her. The relationship is already gone. Right now, you're fighting to protect your kids, and yourself. By doing so...you'll learn that it's also the most effective thing you can do to have a chance of her coming back to you later. Let go of your fear. Take back the control of your life, start taking action to get access to your children and protect yourself and them. See what might happen with your marriage as a result of that. Go over to marriagebuilders.com, read their 'free material'. Stay away from the forums...but review the info they have on "plan A", "plan B", etc... It'll give you a basis to start from. Take a look at the book "Surviving an Affair" as well. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 Divorce Busters, call them pronto. Good written material, but like Owl says about Marriage Builders, stay away from their forum. Both tend to be very dogmatic, and in my opinion the Divorce Busters forum has morphed into something that advocates a very doormat-ish approach. As far as other helpful forums, I'd recommend Marriage Advocates, which is made up of "refugees" from both of the other websites, ignores dogma, and simply advocates what works in the experience of the posters. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
airsign Posted April 24, 2011 Share Posted April 24, 2011 Hi tomcat Just wanted to say I admire you're spirit and hope all works out for you Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 24, 2011 Share Posted April 24, 2011 Good written material, but like Owl says about Marriage Builders, stay away from their forum. Both tend to be very dogmatic, and in my opinion the Divorce Busters forum has morphed into something that advocates a very doormat-ish approach. As far as other helpful forums, I'd recommend Marriage Advocates, which is made up of "refugees" from both of the other websites, ignores dogma, and simply advocates what works in the experience of the posters. Best of luck. DB, (not the forums) I found have me back my power with the 180. The 180 last resort kicks so much ass that I didn't even notice Mr. Cairo had been banned for 48 hours. Kidding. The 180 properly executed makes perfect sense but you can't do it as a string-pulling method to get you wife back, Owl is right. You do have to make firm boundaries one of them is to firmly treat yourself with love and respect then you respect her and don't take any of her crap and treat her like an adult who has to figure things out herself, but not in a condescending way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tomcatf14g Posted April 24, 2011 Author Share Posted April 24, 2011 i am trying to do the 180 but i have to admit t is really hard. I want to call her and tell her just how much i love her and be there for her whenever she needs me. I want to send her flowers write her more poetry, write her a love letter and shower her with all the love i for some reason still have with her. I know I shouldnt and for the most part i havent. but i feel like everything is slipping away. today is even worse. its easter and i was supposed to have my children but i dont. i told my wife that i wish i could spend easter with her and the kids and she said no. she claims the reason i havent been able to talk to the kids is because she doesnt have them right now but wont tell me where they are. i feel so alone right now and today i am having a bad day. i went to church this morning hopeing to feel uplifted and all i did was cry thru the whole service. Im getting stronger and my life is improving everyday, but emotionally i am getting worse. I am feeling even more and more alone. i am feeling like everything is coming down crashing. i feel like i cant breath or even speak. i force myself to get out of bed and i have gone for many walks to clear my head. I clean my dads house 3-4 times a day and i do everything i can think of to try and not think about this. but everything leads back to my wife and my kids. My wife and her some her family hate me. another thing i dont understand is why do i feel guilty here and why is it that i am the one suffering all of the consequences for my wifes bad choices. she is the one having the affairs, she is the one destroying our family, and she is the one to blame for the whole sitiution right now. so why do i feel like i am the one getting punished. why do i feel like the one who is to blame. You know I admit that though i have been a great father and husband i could have done better. I do see some of my wifes complaints about me as valid. but they dont warrant the treatment i am recieving. they dont warrant her having an affair. and they surley dont warrant all the guilt and blame that i feel right now. I need to make changes, yes. But she is the one who seriously needs help so why do i feel the way i do. Im starting counseling next week with a marriage and relationship counseler and i hope he can help me thru what i feel. i have been going to counseling thru the church but i feel at this point i need even more professional help. i dont know. God i just want my life and my family back. I just want to go home and be happy again. will that ever happen? I just dont know. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted April 24, 2011 Share Posted April 24, 2011 reason i havent been able to talk to the kids is because she doesnt have them right now but wont tell me where they are. Tomcat, Call the police. Thats right, dial 911 or 999 (not sure what country you are in) Your kids have been kidnapped, tell them the story. What your wife is doing is not just morally abhorent but it is ILLEGAL, ILLEGAL, ILLEGAL, Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 24, 2011 Share Posted April 24, 2011 Tomcat, Call the police. Thats right, dial 911 or 999 (not sure what country you are in) Your kids have been kidnapped, tell them the story. What your wife is doing is not just morally abhorent but it is ILLEGAL, ILLEGAL, ILLEGAL, You are their parent you tell her that she is to tell you where those kids are right ****ing now and you go and get them. Or you will call the police. (I am a make a choice first kinda person. But yes poster you are absolutely right!) Link to post Share on other sites
wilsongracia Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 This is very frequent problem which we see in every family. Just talk seriously with your wife and tell her that we should maintain the relationship last long. Divorce is the not any kind of solution of this problem. Link to post Share on other sites
bestplayer Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 i am trying to do the 180 but i have to admit t is really hard. I want to call her and tell her just how much i love her and be there for her whenever she needs me. I want to send her flowers write her more poetry, write her a love letter and shower her with all the love i for some reason still have with her. I know I shouldnt and for the most part i havent. but i feel like everything is slipping away. today is even worse. its easter and i was supposed to have my children but i dont. i told my wife that i wish i could spend easter with her and the kids and she said no. she claims the reason i havent been able to talk to the kids is because she doesnt have them right now but wont tell me where they are. i feel so alone right now and today i am having a bad day. i went to church this morning hopeing to feel uplifted and all i did was cry thru the whole service. Im getting stronger and my life is improving everyday, but emotionally i am getting worse. I am feeling even more and more alone. i am feeling like everything is coming down crashing. i feel like i cant breath or even speak. i force myself to get out of bed and i have gone for many walks to clear my head. I clean my dads house 3-4 times a day and i do everything i can think of to try and not think about this. but everything leads back to my wife and my kids. My wife and her some her family hate me. another thing i dont understand is why do i feel guilty here and why is it that i am the one suffering all of the consequences for my wifes bad choices. she is the one having the affairs, she is the one destroying our family, and she is the one to blame for the whole sitiution right now. so why do i feel like i am the one getting punished. why do i feel like the one who is to blame. You know I admit that though i have been a great father and husband i could have done better. I do see some of my wifes complaints about me as valid. but they dont warrant the treatment i am recieving. they dont warrant her having an affair. and they surley dont warrant all the guilt and blame that i feel right now. I need to make changes, yes. But she is the one who seriously needs help so why do i feel the way i do. Im starting counseling next week with a marriage and relationship counseler and i hope he can help me thru what i feel. i have been going to counseling thru the church but i feel at this point i need even more professional help. i dont know. God i just want my life and my family back. I just want to go home and be happy again. will that ever happen? I just dont know. "......I want to send her flowers write her more poetry, write her a love letter and shower her with all the love i for some reason still have with her..." and this is the reason she doesn't want to be with you . Best of luck Link to post Share on other sites
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