Aveenolover Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 My boyfriend and i have been together for almost 4 months...however we still dont say "i love you". I questioned him if about this a few weeks ago and he said, "i like to wait at least 6 months before i make a decision like that". Er...ive never known anyone to put a time frame on something like that. Ive had 3 serious relationships (all around 2+ years) and with all three of those, the L word was initiated within the first 3 months. The only reason i could see on waiting 6 months is if we rarely see each other...but we hang out at least 3-4 times a week! infact, i had to pretty much tell him to go home after he stayed here for a week straight. (not that i wanted to, but i dont want us getting bored of each other) Is this normal? Link to post Share on other sites
nana841121 Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 Depends on his personality,is he a introward person? For most circumstance though ,it's a red flag signal Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aveenolover Posted April 22, 2011 Author Share Posted April 22, 2011 Hes really outgoing and has a lot of friends. He definitely doesnt get shy or anything. Hes always saying stuff like, "i REALLY REALLY like you". But he just wont say love. The other day at work (yes we work together, too) he was talking to me and i was upset with him about somethign and he was trying to calm me down and is like come on! we have so much fun together! i had such a great weekend with you!!! Please! and he got called off to do somethign else and as he was walking back he tapped his heart and lipped somethign that LOOKED like "i love you" and i was like wut? and he said, "i like you". I questioned him about that later and he was like, "i almost said i loved you" But that was a few weeks ago and it hasnt progressed at all Link to post Share on other sites
Eeyore79 Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 I would see it as a red flag; he's emotionally unavailable and is probably scared of love and intimacy. I once dated a guy like that; after three months he told me he'd be scared if I loved him, after four months he said he didn't think we should say the L word because we need to protect ourselves from being hurt, and after six months I dumped him because he was emotionally unavailable. Link to post Share on other sites
fun2bewith Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 (edited) Sometimes L*ve is a swear word to me, because, loads of people just throw the L word around like it is a free bag of chips...I would not say the L word, unless I really do love the person I have been 5 months with my current girlfriend and I only said it to her a few days ago.... Some guys will not say the L word if they still have unresolved issues with an ex...or feelings towards the ex...or disappointment in previous relationships where the girl did say "ILU" and a few months later the girl left him for another guy....So what does love then mean to him...? Some guys will want to test if you are serious about the L world, before saying it, some guys might even associate pain with saying the L world... Is he giving you love? Is he treating you with respect? Is he still attracted to you? I guess I believe more in action than words.... Edited April 22, 2011 by fun2bewith Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aveenolover Posted April 22, 2011 Author Share Posted April 22, 2011 I really dont know if he is. I feel so mentally effed up though and i have been analyzing things terribly. Plus, i havent been in a good relationship for awhile that i dont even know what to look for anymore:( Its easy for me to see things for other people, but when it comes to my own personal relationships, its like i go retarded and i cant see anything positive in them. I'm just assuming there are always ulterior motives:-/ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aveenolover Posted April 22, 2011 Author Share Posted April 22, 2011 Eeyore, how did the guy respond when you dumped him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aveenolover Posted April 22, 2011 Author Share Posted April 22, 2011 also, fun2bewith, why did it take so long for you to realize you loved your girlfriend? Did you have unresolved ex feelings? Also sorry i made so many posts in a row, my mind is all flustered:( Link to post Share on other sites
Eeyore79 Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 Eeyore, how did the guy respond when you dumped him? I told him I wanted to break up because he didn't love me, and I couldn't continue investing in the relationship when he had no deep feelings for me. He cried... but he still didn't say he loved me, so I guess he genuinely didn't. Then he got really bitter and nasty, and I was glad I dumped him! We now have no contact, and I have a new boyfriend who has no problems with love and intimacy. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 My boyfriend said it within a few weeks of being together and it took me about four months to say it and actually be sure of meaning it. I did have very strong feelings for him, but it wasn't love yet. Would you rather he just threw around the words when he's infatuated with you and that's likely all it is at that point? Sometimes, I have questioned whether he really loved me based on how soon he said it. It felt like he didn't know what love really was. I know he does love me now, but it really put me off at first. Arabella Link to post Share on other sites
Professor X Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 So you haven't told him either that you love him (if I got that right) yet you go a head and judge him for why he's not saying it? Let's face it, you are not telling him that you love him because you are afraid he won't return that love to you. Well, news flash! he might do the same thing for the very same reason! What a shocker! I got this crazy idea, something along the lines of dividing by zero, but how about you tell him that you love him (assuming you do since you care) and see what happens? Better than waiting, don't you think? Or it's just easier for you to assume there are ulterior motives? I can feed you all kinds of crazy ideas if you like: maybe it's his ex'? maybe he's cheating? maybe he's afraid of commitment? maybe he doesn't love you? maybe he's just afraid? maybe he's incapable of loving? maybe... maybe... OR, you can just tell him. Choice is yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aveenolover Posted April 22, 2011 Author Share Posted April 22, 2011 Actually i told him i already know by now if i love him or not (basically saying i did without having to make him feel really weird..you know how embarrassing/awkward it is when someone says they love you when you dont feel that way yet). Arabella: its not so much that i want him to say it before hes ready, it just makes me feel like..if he doesnt feel it by now, will he ever feel it? And i think this because i was in a short 3 monther relationship before him and the guy i was with felt like he loved me by 3 months but i just didnt feel it and i KNEW i would never feel that way for him. So it scares me..what if thats how my current boyfriend feels about me? Link to post Share on other sites
Professor X Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 So you haven't actually told him? you've only told him you know how you feel... (which could be either one) Oh wow, the things people do to avoid reality. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aveenolover Posted April 22, 2011 Author Share Posted April 22, 2011 Conversation went like this: I was REALLY upset with him because he did something super stupid. and he was trying to calm me down, telling me im great, he REALLY likes me, yada yada. So i just asked...do you even love me yet? and he said that "it takes me 6+ months to decide on somethign like that." then he mention something about how he wants to make sure its real and he gets scared about getting bored. and i was like wait me getting bored of you? or you getting bored of me? and he said both, though i feel he prolly meant more of him getting bored. I dont want to put out the "i love yous" if he doesnt want to say it yet. he knows i want to hear it. he knows im ready for it. and i know he DOESNT want to say it and he isnt ready for it. why would i tell him i love him? i already know it would solve nothing. the issue is WHY isnt he ready, yet? the issue i was wondering is if it was NORMAL. which some people said it is, some people think its not. Link to post Share on other sites
Professor X Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 The point is, you are in the exact same spot as he is, so you simply cannot expect anything from him that you wouldn't do. If you can't say that you love him, for whatever reason, than you can expect him to say it for the exact same reasons. Regardless, he has said it takes him 6months. So be it. Take your timer out and wait. It's all up to you to decide whether or not the juice is worth the squeeze. People here can come and tell them they have been with a guy who also told them he needed 6months before he can decide and eventually that guy cheated on them. What does it mean in regarding your case? I'll tell you what. NOTHING. You need to decide for yourself if what he's doing is true until those 6months are over. If what he's doing is showing you true love or not. I dont want to put out the "i love yous" if he doesnt want to say it yet - maybe he doesn't either? he knows i want to hear it - how do you know? men DON'T get hints. You have to be direct! he knows im ready for it - same as the above. and i know he DOESNT want to say it and he isnt ready for it - Don't assume anything until after 6months. why would i tell him i love him? - Why wouldn't you? i already know it would solve nothing - How do you know? Can't know unless you've tried. the issue i was wondering is if it was NORMAL - Define normal? different people got different ideas about what's normal and what's not. The real question you should ask yourself is if you can wait 6months. If you can't, than feel free to move out of your RS. If you can, well, then wait. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aveenolover Posted April 22, 2011 Author Share Posted April 22, 2011 I can wait. Im just scared that maybe he wont love me. Maybe he only sees me as fun and not someone he can LOVE. I dunno. I'm not mad at him or anything, it seems like from your post that you think im angered by him not knowing. I'm not, i just feel scared. Link to post Share on other sites
Professor X Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 I can wait. Im just scared that maybe he wont love me. Maybe he only sees me as fun and not someone he can LOVE. I dunno. I'm not mad at him or anything, it seems like from your post that you think im angered by him not knowing. I'm not, i just feel scared. Yes, I know why you're scared. Like I said in my first post, you're afraid he won't say it back. I was afraid too when I told my SO that I love her. I'll tell you even more: When I told her so, she didn't reply to me "I love you too!" - I will admit that it hurt, cause I was hoping to hear that, but anyway, the reason I told her is because that's how I felt, not because I wanted to hear it back. Took her 2 months afterwards to tell me that she loves me. And you know what? In retrospect I'm glad she took her time, it means she said that she loves me because she meant it and not because she was under the pressure of saying it back or she'll lose me. So ask yourself this: Would it really hurt you less if you were not to tell him how you feel and he was to break up with you? I think not, I think that if he is to come right now and tell you that he doesn't love you, you would still be hurt just as much because you do love him, and whether or not you tell him won't make the pain lesser or worse. Good luck & keep in mind it's not the end of the world =) Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 I don't think no ILY at 4 months is always the kiss of death (for some, that's still "early", and I definitely think it's not past my expiration date, though it usually comes slightly before), but this just seems odd. You had a conversation about why you don't say ILY? Really, any conversation like that never goes anywhere good. He doesn't say ILY because he doesn't love you, based on his answer. You don't say it because he doesn't love you (and thus though you want to say it, you feel insecure, understandably to say it), based on what you write. You love him, and he doesn't love you. Whether or not you think it's worth giving him time is up to you and relies on a lot more factors than this, but the dissonance you're feeling comes from taking issue with the fact that you're more emotionally invested than he is. Accept that you are. Link to post Share on other sites
pandagirl Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 Honestly, four months seems pretty soon to me to say ILY. But then, I don't throw around the word very easily. I know people who didn't say ILY ONE YEAR into their relationships, and guess what? Two of those couples are married now with children. Go by his actions. Words shouldn't matter more than how he treats you. Link to post Share on other sites
IceIceBaby Posted April 22, 2011 Share Posted April 22, 2011 I would not be concerned at the 4 month mark. And I'm going to advise you not to say it first. I posted on here ealier this week about my boyfriend of 9 months and how he hadn't said it to me. People here asked how I could judge him when I hadn't said it. So I decided since I felt it, I would say it. He basically said he had no intention of telling me he loved me any time soon. It turned into an argument and he told me I ruined it now. So again, don't say it first. If he doesn't say it back, it sucks...trust me. I'm sure it'll come out eventually and it'll be that much better because he said it first. Link to post Share on other sites
fun2bewith Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 Trust your instincts.... Link to post Share on other sites
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