Encouragement for all you guys in LDRs - my story

[Els]

Hey, guys. I've found myself not being around LS as much as I used to - possibly a shift of interest towards other things, as well as less spare time with graduate studies starting. I thought that perhaps, if I were to end up drifting away from this place, however, I should share my LDR story with the forums, that those needing a word of encouragement or motivation might hopefully find some help in it. I'd shied away for a long time, partly because there had been a few posters giving me grief for my choices in this relationship before, and partly because I was settling some issues on my end and did not wish to dredge up bad memories or uncomfortable topics. But I'm putting it all out there now, in an attempt to give back to the forums the support and help many people here have given me over the years.

 

I've been in my relationship for about 3 years, now, with 2 of them spent LD for the most part. The distance was severe - a plane ticket cost $5000 of our currency, which meant that trips had to be restricted to once every 6 months. We'd been friends IRL for a few years before he left for his studies, although nothing happened then because both of us were in relationships. After he'd left and we'd each broken up, we slowly grew into each other online - yes, it can happen. A few months later, he flew back for 2 weeks, and it became 'official'.

 

We had a few visits in the interim, two per year, spanning from a few weeks to the longest, which was 2 months. And then we hit some rough times. Those of you familiar with LTRs will probably understand - the time when the rose-tinted glasses fall off and you see with stark reality the parts of each other that you dislike and have to decide whether or not you can live with. The time when most couples break up. That was 2 years into the relationship, and spanned a rather unhappy 3-4 months.

 

During that time, my undergrad studies finished and I made the decision to go to him regardless of the troubles we were having then. I decided, that if I did not I would never know how it would or could turn out, and that even if we did not work out it would be a great life experience, going to a country I'd always wanted to travel to. I paid my travel expenses, but he supported me during the 6 months I was there, as my visa made it immensely difficult to get work. The financial strain this put on us, in addition to the fact that he was going off a student's budget to begin with, as well as some issues on both our parts, led to stuff spiralling. It was good at the beginning, but later exploded into an argument lasting several days that led me to believe it was and should be over for good.

 

He then came back and made amends; we struggled on. The memories of those few days, in addition to the unpleasant 3-odd months before my move, came back to haunt me often, even when the relationship was going smoothly. It took a lot of effort on both of our parts to mend the rift, but it progressed slowly and surely.

 

Circumstances got better; he graduated and got a job, I got a placing in graduate studies where he was. There were a few hiccups along the way, but I was succeeding with some of the issues I was struggling with and doing better at controlling my impulses and not dragging things out of hand. I also think that point where he nearly lost me made him realize how much he wanted me, and he'd gotten over that transition phase of his where he was trying to cling on to selfish boyhood before work began for him. Lack of financial strain was also a very, very good thing.

 

Several months ago, we moved in together. There has still been the odd hiccup now and then, and a new set of challenges posed, and a few troubles, which I mostly posted on LS about as my way of venting. I cannot claim that we are perfect, and I certainly cannot pretend to see into the future and tell you that we will be together forever, or even for a long time from now. But I can confidently say I am happy 99% of the time with him, I feel secure and loved, and almost every night I lie beside him as he sleeps, feeling so very grateful for having found him, and glad I decided to stick everything out. The distance, the dark times, the troubles.

 

And I am glad, so very, very glad, that I did not throw this away when there were a few people giving me grief about the relationship. Most of the people I know have been very supportive, my friends in RL as well as the people on this board - they may have advised me to leave when they felt it was the best thing for me, but I know they did it with only the best of intentions. There have been a few, however, who have insulted me over staying; I am sure many of you might have experienced that in some point - I have seen posts where people were insulted for trying to work things out, posts where people made blanket statements about LDRs never working out or not being real. Do not give those people control of your happiness.

 

TL;DR: They can work. They are real. And only you should ever decide whether or not you feel it is worth it to be in one for yourself, based on the factors you yourself determine to be important. I know many others on this site alone who have worked out, and several IRL besides. Have faith. Stay strong. And all the best.

Edited April 22, 2011 by Elswyth

[wild_urge]

Thank you for sharing, I wish you the best of luck.

[HeavenOrHell]

Thank you for sharing Elswyth, it's good to hear LDR success stories Great to hear things are working out well for you

[Els]

Awww thanks guys. Best wishes to you too!

[carvidep]

Amen to that, Elswyth!! I'm so glad that things are continuing to go well for you!

 

My LDR has also had its ebbs and flows and after 1.5 years of being an ocean apart, I've found away to stay in his country for an entire year. We're now only 4 hours apart and we continue to fall harder and harder for each other every day. Next year we plan to live together. I'm doing my best to keep in perspective, and so is he. But we can both only see positive things coming our way.

[Els]

OMG Carvidep!! I'm so glad to hear from you again, and so glad to hear that, too!

 

Keep in touch, okay?