Wanderin' Eyes

[Kelemort]

In my previous relationship, I knew that my ex looked at other girls from time-to-time but this was never something that he rubbed in my face. He had an old friend whom he once liked, but he hadn't seen her in a year or so prior to when we started dating. I was vaguely jealous, but nothing really - of course she was better-looking than me and they had more common interests together, but she never gave him the time of day, so I wasn't all that jealous.

 

My current boyfriend will often blatantly check girls out and sometimes he'll make comments about it. He used to have many pictures of a crush once - the long-distance friend of a long-distance ex - and recently started opening up about her. He told me they had mutual crushes on each other, but that he didn't follow through because he knew that she was moving to Japan.

 

She has been there for the last 3 to 4 years. Lately, she's been leaving him more comments on sites like Facebook, and it's making me uncomfortable. Sometimes, she'll return to the states for several months at a time. She may be permanently returning in the near future. I knew for a while they kept up a phone correspondence, and he'll still (although rarely) talk about sending her books or calling her.

 

This girl is gorgeous. Gorgeous! Seriously, no wonder he was so enamored. She's also very accomplished (she's a teacher). Comparatively speaking, I'm an average-looking, overweight mostly-unemployed woman.

 

I'm not as jealous of this girl because he only knew she had a crush on him because of a friends' loose lips - they never expressed their mutual attraction to each other. But I am continually feeling like I'm not meeting my boyfriend's needs, as it seems he's always looking outward, always looking at other women and always talking about other women.

 

It's been like this for a good portion of our relationship. It's lessened over the years, but I'd prefer if he just looked, didn't go on and on about it, and stopped reminding me of all of his past girlfriends and crushes. Conversations about this tend to be mostly unsuccessful.

 

How else can I remedy these feelings? I'm considering "defriending" him on sites like Facebook, as constantly seeing reminders of past interests is starting to eat at me. I realize that some of this stuff happened and concluded (..possibly) 3 or 4 years ago. Maybe he still does have feelings for her but he realizes it would never work, given the distance. In any case, I don't want to see it.

 

I've only recently started getting over my jealousy of his ex (that's an entirely different thread - basically he dragged all of that crap into our relationship) when he told me that he dumped his ex not just because of the distance, but because their personalities and senses of humor just weren't a good fit. I finally felt validated and WANTED, not resorted to because he couldn't be with her.

 

I work out, I've started working more and seeing my own friends to try and deal with my jealousy. I've read tons of books dealing with jealousy and insecurity. This is entirely irrational - the girl lives half a world away. Then again, he's been in a few LDRs in the past, so it's not like that would stop him if he really wanted to be with her.

 

How do we boost our self-esteem and start moving on from this? I am making progress and feeling better about myself, but for once it would be nice to feel like for a solid day, boyfriend's eyes are on ME and he's glad to be with ME. I know I'm not his physical ideal (I'm overweight, like I said) and it probably does bug him and prompt him to look at other girls, but it's killing me.

[stace79]

I am a firm believer that everyone has different needs, and just because YOUR needs are different from your boyfriend's doesn't mean you are WRONG.

 

It's great that you want to improve yourself, but you must do it because you want to, not just to keep a man. Otherwise it won't work or won't last long.

 

Does he compliment you? Does he take care of your needs by making you feel important and special? Frankly, if I expressed to my boyfriend that he was making me feel bad by going on and on about exes and he didn't remedy his behavior, I'd dump him. You can't control what he does, but you sure can control whether or not you let him in your life!

 

Also, you said this girl in Japan may be moving closer to you. How do you know he's not just biding his time until she moves back? If she's posting more on his public Facebook page, how do you know they're not trading direct messages?

 

Personally, I think you have a right to be suspicious.

[Flgirl44]

It's hard to draw the line between what he is responsible for making you feel and what you are feeling for yourself. You have to figure out if he is doing legitimate things to make you feel the way you are feeling or if it is coming from insecurity and jealousy alone.

 

I had an ex that I realized had been planting all these seeds of insecurity over his past exes. I confronted him and of course it was turned on me like no I don't do that you are unreasonable!! Well how come I know that so and so wore lingerie like this? or that so and so used to cook this? Either sit me down and tell me what you want, or move on. It's not okay to passively point out what you like/liked with other women hoping ill get the clue. I'll get the clue alright ,but you're also creating a lot of baggage along the way. I'm not saying that this is what he is doing, but he might be.

 

He needs to have more respect for your feelings either way. Leave if your not his ideal, or accept the fact that you aren't and he's fine with it. He's walking the tight rope between the two and it's looking precarious.

[Kinder-Horror]

I am a firm believer that everyone has different needs, and just because YOUR needs are different from your boyfriend's doesn't mean you are WRONG.

 

Completely agree! However, to make a relationship work - both partners should have their needs met, or at least addressed!

I think communication is so imperative here. From how you describe it - I would definitely be uncomfortable. Who cares if she hasn't voiced her feelings about him? He has voiced his feelings to you! And he has also voiced that he knows her feelings! There are definite reasons to feel uneasy.

 

The only way to work on the relationship is to sit down and put it all on the table in a CALM, mature discussion. You will be a stronger couple if you recognize each other's needs. Like Stace said, you can go to the gym, but if it is all for him and you get no gain from it, you will still feel insecure.

 

Express to him how you feel about him. Express how she makes you feel. Let him know how he can make you feel better about the situation and ask if there are things you can do as well

[Kelemort]

He claims that his feelings for her are in the past, which is difficult at times to believe. He doesn't talk about her nearly as much anymore, but I always feel that cringe surfacing in me when he gets started on good ol' "Eliza..." Years later, he still has pictures of her up on his flickr account. Not that I think that I'm not intellectual, but I know for a fact that he's better read than I am - and I think that this girl is as well.

 

From everything I know, this girl's teaching position is temporary. My s/o claims he's done with LDRs. I'm fairly confident they aren't exchanging messages through Facebook, at least - I've been right next to him while he's checking his messages. When I have turned my head away to honor his privacy, he's said, "What are you doing that for? I don't mind if you look." I've seen nothing from her in the last several months for sure, and perhaps longer before that. E-mail is a different story - I've no idea.

 

The S/O finds the whole long-distance thing seductive, I think - it's an adventure to go meet women, and then you get all of the heart-wrenching goodness of not knowing if or when you'll next meet. The infatuation never vanishes. I've heard so many stories about his exes that I could barf. It's horrible because even when he mentions a certain restaurant, I bristle because I remember the entire ex-story connected to it.

 

It's been rubbed in my face and gone over so many times I could probably perfectly recite each story. That ended, but the effects still linger - it still irritates me when anything related to those stories comes up. I feel the old tension in me rising for fear I'm going to be subjected to more ex stories.

 

The girl in Japan may soon return - I don't think that her position is permanent. We're from Michigan and she is originally from Connecticut. I knew he thought that she was cute, but until recently, I had no idea that they had a 2-year phone/IM/etc. relationship when she first moved to Japan.

 

After 2 1/2 years I really hope he hasn't simply been biding his time, waiting for a better option to return to the country. I'm not just losing weight for him, but also for myself - it would help me feel more attractive in general.

 

I feel uncomfortable wondering if this girl still has a crush on my boyfriend. I feel uncomfortable wondering if my boyfriend still has some kind of secret attraction to her. I felt totally within my rights to tell him that after lying to me from the start about still talking to his ex, it was time for him to stop talking to her or I was going to move on. I don't feel I have that right when really NOTHING has come of this attraction they've had toward each other...even though yes, it would make me feel much better.

 

He has accused me of being 'controlling' in the past in regards to his ex - he claimed he wasn't talking to her, and then a year in I found out they were bffs on Facebook (she was under a different name) and he still had her phone number in his phone (this was 3 years after they broke up).

 

He kept photos of her everywhere, and I asked him to back them up to disc - and that was when he really rolled out the, "You're being controlling!" line. I was just sick of constantly having to see his ex everywhere when he needed to get over her already. He changed his tune a bit when he felt jealous regarding me for the first time, but I admit there's still some hesitance on my side about this because I don't want to be branded as "controlling" again. So in that way, Flgirl, we had very similar relationship issues. They feel they can do whatever they want and then pin it back on YOU.

 

His compliments can come in short supply over several months at times, or they can be very frequent for short periods of time. Sometimes for days in a row he's raving about my appearance; and then a month or two later, I hear that he's proud of me. Lately, because of my insecurities, most 'compliments' come in the form of him telling me that I'm hotter than his ex ever was. Thanks for the seal of approval, dude.

 

It was nice because for the most part, it felt like my ex really only had eyes for me. It felt like I spent a year trying to capture my current boyfriend's eyes from his ex. He claims he's always talked so much about his past just to be honest with me, but that degree of honesty is never wanted nor appreciated.

 

I am going to approach my boyfriend again and see how he feels about me and what he feels for this other girl. We recently started living together, so of course part of me says, "This guy MUST be interested in me, especially since he's paying the vast majority of the bills - who does that for someone they're not interested in?"

 

And part of me knows I'll probably always have to entertain a man's interest in other women for the rest of my life. There's always going to be someone prettier, smarter, friendlier, etc. That's just a fact of life. I still don't know if it's just me making myself feel like a placeholder, or if he's really done things to make me feel that way. I'm leaning toward the latter just with his history of holding too much onto the past. Sometimes it's nice just to talk these concerns and fears out.

 

I think I'm for sure going to defriend him on Facebook and just keep our distances from each other. I find myself looking at that girl's profile picture and continually getting more and more upset. I'm telling him about that tonight. To be honest, my boyfriend is a wallflower - which explains all of the Internet-initiated LDRs, I guess. So it's just surprising to me that he's had SO many girlfriends and so many mutual crushes in the last 5 or so years.

 

He rarely takes time for our relationship. When he gets home from work, we usually end up doing our own things after we eat dinner. We go out with other relatives, but we really never spend any meaningful time alone together. I keep mentioning date nights and going out to museums, but we never end up going.

 

I wonder if he longs for the excitement and freedom of an LDR - getting to be single on one hand, and then having the fun/adventure/thrill of a new partner on the other. Instead, he comes home to the same woman every night, 2 1/2 years into this relationship.

 

That's just as likely my fear, though - he'll come home from work and emphasize how he could "do this forever" and he thinks about me being his wife. But talk is cheap, like they say, I guess. His actions really aren't showing it.

 

In any case, talking here has calmed me down a little bit. Thank you for your comments.

[stace79]

These articles might help explain your feelings, and personally, I'm 100 percent on your side. I think you SHOULD have the right to request that he not have contact with women to whom he's attracted.

 

http://www.cheatingways.com/just-friends-not-likely-an-emotional-affair/

 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8119_friends.html

 

I realize these links are more designed for married couples, but if long-term relationships leading to a marriage are what you're looking to build, they are most definitely applicable.

[stace79]

And another thing - I just don't understand WHY you'd want to stay with a man who makes you feel insignificant. He doesn't take you out on dates, ever? You rarely do things together? I mean, what is the point? You could be single and do the things you're doing now, exactly the same, just without the hassle of being insecure and jealous all the time.

[Kelemort]

I guess I used 'dates' in a very strict sense - to me, a date is going out and doing an activity. We go out to dinner often, and sometimes we'll go out to a movie or something like that, but it's quite rare. Some folks would call going out to dinner a date or having any planned thing a date. The last time we really went out on a date was in October when he had vacation time, and we went to some museums. I understand it is a little tough, as our only time to go is really on the weekends, when we're oftentimes running errands...but it's not every time, and that's frustrating.

 

We're supposedly going out on a date in about two weeks, so we'll see if that happens. He'll be gone all this weekend at a convention. He claims he's bad at coming up with date ideas, but I get tired of being the one to have to generate all of it.

 

Most of our time together is spent watching movies or T.V. shows. Now that the weather's getting better, we've been going for walks together more, so that's an improvement. Otherwise, yes...it's a pain in the butt to try and do things together. If I'd like to do something creative or I'd like to play a board game, it's a "No." He's definitely got to get better about compromising. Sometimes in a relationship you do crap you don't want to do just to make your partner happy. Not all of the time, but you try to meet each others' needs like that.

 

To be honest with you I can't give a concrete, solid, reasonable explanation for why I have stayed when so many things have sucked so badly. Some problems have waxed and begun, some have waned or disappeared. Part of it is that after so long, I'm probably fearful about getting back into dating again. Low self-esteem probably plays a role.

 

My mother is a narcissist, and that's complicated a lot of issues. I made the error of moving in with him because I knew that it would be better than living at home - and I'm still struggling to find a job. I've had 6 or 7 interviews in the last year that have amounted in nothing.

 

Part of it is being uncertain about my expectations. Am I being unreasonable? Am I overreacting? I haven't always known. I consider myself to be a little old-fashioned and traditional in that I don't feel the need to have opposite sex friends (..unless they're gay).

 

We did talk about his friend Eliza and I received some promising news. He told me that he thought she was physically attractive, yes - but he admitted that they spoke very rarely - once every several months - on the phone. For a while, she left him comments on Facebook in great supply, but that was also a year or two before we started dating or even met. I think she was also just a teenager at the time, but I'm not for certain.

 

He told me he had never really known her enough to determine if he could actually really like her, and that he got annoyed because she was into all of that "annoying Japanese ****." He told me it was just a childish crush back when he was in his early 20s because he was lonely. He told me he hasn't had feelings about her at all in the last several years.

 

For now I'm going to let that one rest. I was under the impression it was much more serious from discussions we've had in the past, but judging by the evidence - not just what he's said - it looks like I was wrong and she was more of an acquaintance if anything.

 

I'm still recovering from the ex thing. If some of this **** ever resurfaces again, I'm gone.

 

But you're right - you're absolutely right. I've never had a GREAT relationship, so I don't know how those are supposed to operate.

[stace79]

It is really difficult! I feel for you. I have never had what I would call a "great" relationship either. But, as I'm getting older and going through more experiences, I realize that if I'm just not happy, then it isn't worth the effort. And when I'm unhappy, I tend to make those around me unhappy which I definitely don't want to do!

 

Sounds like you two could use some more communication, or more effective communication. And yes, you are right in that sometimes you do stuff you don't want to do to make your partner happy (and they should do the same for you!).

 

I hope that things get better, and good luck with your efforts to work on your self-esteem! That is important with or without a boyfriend.

[nalfy88]

Hey. I think for starters this relationship is poisonous for you! You sound like such a friendly and caring person, such a rarity nowadays, and therefore deserve someone to admire YOU!! Didn't anyone ever tell you beauty is in the eye of the beholder, although my feelings are that this guy knows you are beautiful, however he also knows that you don't know it yet!

 

Seems classic controlling behaviour, a theory that is misunderstood this is controlling, telling someone their skirt is too short because you can see their bum isn't controlling its caring, but unfortunately I can safely say this is true controlling psychological behaviour, as i was a victim of domestic abuse and he used to do that to me, and trust me it's ballcrap, whilst he's looking at other girls, there are guys looking at you wishing their g/f was as friendly and loyal as you. Why else would he make a big scene about other girls?? What I think you should do?

 

Honey nothing is more attractive than a friendly personality and a big smile so you have got to walk proud with your head up high in the air as you are walking, make yourself inaccessible to your so called gentleman of a b/f, say you have to check your diary, and go shopping for a day, or to the cinema and just enjoy yourself. Trust me it worked so well for me when i finally grew the balls to leave him, my confidence sky-rocketed! Now I am with my soulmate, please don't waste time on him because poor mr right is feeling real lonely right now without you! Just remember you are a beautiful person I can tell that from a computer screen, and no-one can take that away from you!

 

Take care!

[Delilah5]

In my previous relationship, I knew that my ex looked at other girls from time-to-time but this was never something that he rubbed in my face. He had an old friend whom he once liked, but he hadn't seen her in a year or so prior to when we started dating. I was vaguely jealous, but nothing really - of course she was better-looking than me and they had more common interests together, but she never gave him the time of day, so I wasn't all that jealous.

 

My current boyfriend will often blatantly check girls out and sometimes he'll make comments about it. He used to have many pictures of a crush once - the long-distance friend of a long-distance ex - and recently started opening up about her. He told me they had mutual crushes on each other, but that he didn't follow through because he knew that she was moving to Japan.

 

She has been there for the last 3 to 4 years. Lately, she's been leaving him more comments on sites like Facebook, and it's making me uncomfortable. Sometimes, she'll return to the states for several months at a time. She may be permanently returning in the near future. I knew for a while they kept up a phone correspondence, and he'll still (although rarely) talk about sending her books or calling her.

 

This girl is gorgeous. Gorgeous! Seriously, no wonder he was so enamored. She's also very accomplished (she's a teacher). Comparatively speaking, I'm an average-looking, overweight mostly-unemployed woman.

 

I'm not as jealous of this girl because he only knew she had a crush on him because of a friends' loose lips - they never expressed their mutual attraction to each other. But I am continually feeling like I'm not meeting my boyfriend's needs, as it seems he's always looking outward, always looking at other women and always talking about other women.

 

It's been like this for a good portion of our relationship. It's lessened over the years, but I'd prefer if he just looked, didn't go on and on about it, and stopped reminding me of all of his past girlfriends and crushes. Conversations about this tend to be mostly unsuccessful.

 

How else can I remedy these feelings? I'm considering "defriending" him on sites like Facebook, as constantly seeing reminders of past interests is starting to eat at me. I realize that some of this stuff happened and concluded (..possibly) 3 or 4 years ago. Maybe he still does have feelings for her but he realizes it would never work, given the distance. In any case, I don't want to see it.

 

I've only recently started getting over my jealousy of his ex (that's an entirely different thread - basically he dragged all of that crap into our relationship) when he told me that he dumped his ex not just because of the distance, but because their personalities and senses of humor just weren't a good fit. I finally felt validated and WANTED, not resorted to because he couldn't be with her.

 

I work out, I've started working more and seeing my own friends to try and deal with my jealousy. I've read tons of books dealing with jealousy and insecurity. This is entirely irrational - the girl lives half a world away. Then again, he's been in a few LDRs in the past, so it's not like that would stop him if he really wanted to be with her.

 

How do we boost our self-esteem and start moving on from this? I am making progress and feeling better about myself, but for once it would be nice to feel like for a solid day, boyfriend's eyes are on ME and he's glad to be with ME. I know I'm not his physical ideal (I'm overweight, like I said) and it probably does bug him and prompt him to look at other girls, but it's killing me.

Tell the idiot to stop doing it in front of you and to keep his dog-like comments to himself. If I was you, girl I would dump the disrespectful chump. Men have no regard for the feelings of their girlfriend, wife, etc. that do this. He sounds like the type that you will NEVER be able to trust. Are you happy this way? Keep up your weight-loss program. Believe me, the more you lose, the healthier and better you will look and feel. When you reach your desired goal, buy yourself some new clothes and doll up. Then, have the schuck take you out and start checking out every man that moves. Be confident and strong. Men like that. Start to flirt with men in front of him and see how he likes it. Good luck to you!