Burned by the ex..contact him?

[rose45]

I hope i find someone who can relate and be honest but not in a complete attacking way lol.

 

Trying to make this as short as possible..basically i met my ex when i was 20 and he is older..the age didn't really matter though...he was my first serious bf, first love, first person i was physically with.

 

We were together for almost 4 years..he wasn't perfect of course but i put more blame on myself...i was young and overly jealous at times and picked fights i never would have even bothered with today. I realized awhile ago alot of stuff just wasn't necessary..i let my emotions gets the best of me at times. I know he made some mistakes as well and maybe heightened the jealousy as a result but all in all when i was with him--i had him and shouldn't have worried. I just regret alot of things. Despite this he definitely knew i truly loved him and his family. I never cheated or anything like that. Was there for family events.

 

He broke it off after having a fight and that was basically it. I did not take it well and was heartbroken and I texted and called to say i am sorry etc etc etc and one text said he wasn't up for talking but we will. I'm sorry. He called my friend's boyfriend a month later to see how i was. My g/f said i was ok and just gave a neutral answer. I didn't know til after that he had called them.

 

Sometimes I wonder if my friend should have said she isn't doing well without you after all this or just something..or maybe i should have texted him after finding this out to tell him I miss him etc..He never reached out to me not even about my things. In october i texted him about my things but wound up breaking and texting how i still loved him and regret all those silly arguments etc. He said he couldn't right now.

 

Fast forward months later..end of august..i decide to call and leave a vmail. He called back pretty much immediately and we spoke. And i asked how his family was and said i am sorry for all of those silly arguments and jealoust and without that we would have been fine. We spoke again a few days later and he said he cant just jump back in and we have to start over in a sense.. and i agreed..i decided to wait on asking him to meet and we spoke on the phone..I was very excited but also anxious, nervous he would blow me off any second.

 

I thought things were going decent since sometimes we would even be on the phone for 2 hours or more and i would try to show how i changed as much as i could through a phone anyway. Since he spent alot of nights at his house with family--his mom and older sister knew we were talking again because he was speaking openly a few times with them around. I thought all of this were really positive signs and maybe meant something as a start to something new.

 

At times he didn't pick up or even return a call the following night or for 2 days even. Definitely not like him but i knew we werent together but i still saw it as a little bit rude/off in some sense to not even acknowledge the call..i didn't think he was dating anyone and not with anyone serious either. I brought up meeting in november and he said he was thinking about it too and said we will figure something out during the week..no call that week or anything. I had to call him and when i asked he got a little angry almost saying maybe he needs to get his head together.

 

He gave me excuses during some of this time like he is just focusing on himself, even said he may have to give up the apartment and then where would we go(i live at home and help out here)..not looking for something serious..i basically remained patient and even said i just want to see you again and spend time together..when you meet someone you never know how serious it will be, you just take the chance so why cant we do the same?

 

During the holidays he pretty much avoided me and didn't even say merry xmas or anything.

 

We started talking a little more often in march..june rolls around and he drops a bomb that he can't see me right now--he has someone visiting.

 

He met someone the previous year while she was vacationing..and she came here to visit and it turns out it is for a few weeks(that is how long they gave the visa for)..so basically i guess at that point he wasn't really worried about the possibility of giving up the apartment..

 

I basically broke down..how can i not? i had alot of hope to see him and i truly loved him..i felt so many emotions..i felt like he pretty much burned me and after the fact i realized that he probably stalled the whole year due to her--he had to have been in contact through the phone and e-mail talking about coming here. A person doesn't just show up from another country without some planning..and i even said that and he basically said oh it didn't take that long to plan. I was crying on the phone as he was driving to his apartment...he was late due to me and she was waiting for dinner. I felt like i was hit by a truck..and he was angry at me and pretty much doing me a favor staying on the phone. We had another conversation about all it and he said we could see each other but nothing will happen (b/c he is dating her)..he said it's not like she is staying here forever..she will be gone in a few months..so he made it sound like it was a fling and didn't mean that much..he even said the only way she can stay is if i marry her which is out of the question and not even a possibility.

 

I was worth blowing off for a fling then? I know we werent together but i guess i just figured there would be some loyalty to the fact we were together for a long time..almost 4 years..i know i would feel loyalty and not choose someone from another country..of course he is probably in love with her and it is not a fling :(....::Tears::

 

We basically ended it on good terms that maybe we would see each other when she left. He called for my bday at the end of the august and we had alot of good conversations afterwards..one night he got another call...he said he would call back..and didnt..i knew something was wrong..i texted about 2 weeks later and he wrote in a text he has been wanting to see if i wanted to hang out but i have to know in december she is coming back.

 

I basically freaked out and called him..and said what's going on? and he said we got along well and she wants to come back and i agreed..I just felt like he must enjoy this in some tiny way--to have me heartbroken and have a girl from another country traveling to live with him. He basically blew me off again once she called...

 

I just basically have no words..

 

The weird part is..i didn't want things ended on bad terms but it was still emotional..he said in april(when she is gone again) maybe we can discuss things and i also said i definitely can't see him while he is involved in all this. He even said i was too patient at times with all of this and said he wouldn't even be having all these conversations about what is going on now if he didn't care. The call didn't end on bad terms but we haven't spoken since which is this past october. I felt i should leave him alone since i knew she was there and show i am strong.

 

The sad part is..i really didn't want to go the rest of my life not ever talking to him again.

 

Am i crazy to text him on easter saying happy easter and see how he responds and to sort of break the ice? and if he does nothing after that then i know to just leave it alone basically forever and ever? He has ALOT of pride and would never put himself out there. It may look weird b/c i know the girl left at the beginning of april and i am texting him 2 weeks later....It just hurts at times b/c at some point i really thought maybe we would have another chance..so many nights i wished we were together b/c i knew in my heart things would have been so much different and better..and we both would have been happy I just wish things would have been different..he told me alot of those feelings are buried. (and probably dead i am guessing )

 

I was thinking of texting him happy easter and if we texted back and forth i would just choose off topic things like my brother's hernia surgery and maybe my uncle passing etc. Or i could wait months for his birthday when it might be even more late..or just nothing at all

 

The thing is--i feel SOMEWHAT more calm about things...i think in some way he hurt me as much as he could..so if he didn't respond with open arms to my text or call a few days later i don't think i will be as devasted as before. It will just confirm that i really gave my all and it's done forever. I guess maybe this is my last hope in a way and i probably shouldn't even have ANY whatsoever at this point. Guess i am a dreamer in someway and think down the line maybe we can work out.

 

I went through alot this year that's for sure..whatever mistakes i made, i definitely made up for it by what i went through this year to make things work

 

Sorry..hope i can find someone to shed light but in an understanding and somewhat nice way...

Edited April 23, 2011 by rose45

[Jadestone]

Sorry to hear u are going through this. I'm going through a break up myself. You seem to have a lot of confusion about contacting him. What I have learned is- when I feel confused- sometimes it's best to just let things be.

 

I'm doing my best to avoid the impulse of contacting my ex. #1 it doesn't give me any answers, and #2 after the uncomfortable feelings pass- and I make it through wout contacting him- my days get better and I feel myself healing.

 

Even though I want to talk to him and see him- I feel stronger once the initial weakness passes if I don't fall victim to my thoughts or heart.

 

"those who can't forget are worse off than those who can't remember." - anon

[rose45]

i guess i feel like he has alot of pride and wouldn't put himself out there to contact me maybe..so i guess this would just be to test the waters and show things are ok and i wnated to see how he was..if nothing else comes from it or he does no contact after that--then that is basically it forever.

 

still dumb huh?

[Jadestone]

Nothing is forever, and change is the only thig that is consistent. My friend told me today that he has broken his life down into things he can control and things he cannot control. He used the sun as an example. He can't control the sun to rise or set, he just has to let it be and trust that it will rise and it will set.

 

Words are powerful- and we all have to be careful of what we tell ourselves. Nobody is perfect, but maybe you can try and stop telling yourself "forever". It's making your brain and heart feel like you need him. Really you don't need him, he's just a habit. Sometimes junkies relapse a few times, some never get off the merry go round, some cry and moan the whole time they're trying to kick the good stuff, and some can quit it cold turkey.

 

There is no rout answer. Which choice will be the best choice for you? What "junkie" do you want to be?

 

Personally- I wish I would have gone out with a bit more class and dignity in tact. I am a much stronger person than I allow myself to be. And truthfully- people respect those who respect themselves.

 

Men need to do the chasing. It's the hunter's law.

 

Just do your best to get past this wkend. Trust me- setting yourself up for rejection or false hope- or putting your emotions in someone elses control is no way to live your life. You'll probably gain more enjoyment from life if you can just let him be. It's been a year. Life is too short and there is too much fun to be had. When you face what you fear- you become stronger and more interesting.

 

You are not trying any thing new. You are doing the same thing you have been doing during this whooooole separation. It's time to change it up. What you are doing hasn't worked in the past, why would it magically work now? Go live your life, have fun, make a lot of guy friends! My guy friends are actually really helping me get through this. They take me out, we rock climb- nothing sexual just platonic. But why do I need one boyfriend when I now have 12?!?

[Jadestone]

Btw- Easter is not a safe excuse holiday. It's just an excuse. His bday is a safe holiday.