Commitment from a man

[Blind or stupid?]

I met the man of my dreams a year ago. We are in our late 40's and have both been alone for years. Our relationship was pretty normal for the first 4 months. It started slowly and built to the point where we were spending most nights together. We could sit and talk for hours, sex was great, and we had so much in common. He is a heavy drinker but is never aggressive, quite the opposite really, he's a clown after a few beers. We didn't really go out much, spending most of our time together at my home. Everything was great, then suddenly he stopped coming to see me for about a fortnight. He said he needed time alone. Sure enough, he just turned up one night like nothing ever happened. By this time I knew him well enough to know he wasn't seeing anyone else. Our relationship carried on again and our families became involved. Everything was great until he suddenly "needed space" again...this time for almost 2 months. We saw each other a few times, but only when I called him. He said he loved me but relationships scare him and we were getting too close. After hours of talking, and getting nowhere I decided it was over between us. A few days later he was back. This time not as close or intimate but as a friend. I feel like my life is on a bungee ride.

 

I am in love with him so it's just too hard to be "friends". Our families are now interacting so I can't just cut off from him either. Will he ever commit? I know there is no-one else in his life. I know he is lonely. I'm sure he loves me.

[Tony T]

There is just no way to know if he will commit. You might try consulting a psychic. You say he's lonely and that he loves you. The question is are those enough to make him want to spend the rest of his life with you.

 

There are obviously some underlying psychological reasons why he fears close or committed relationships. There are many men with the same fears. Different men handle it in different ways. He may need some couselling to help him overcome whatever difficulties he has that cause his panic over long-term situations.

 

If you keep taking him back after he leaves to get his space over and over, it is not likely he will ever be your one and only. I think ultimately, you will have to tell him he's simply got to make a decision. Assure him you will not consume him or suffocate him in a relationship but that you cannot endure his on again/off again conduct because it creates an emotional rollercoaster that you do not wish to endure.

 

I'm not clear on what the status of your relationship is now, but the next time he needs space, give him the world and move on.

[Nina]

Communication. That doesn't mean talking about him or his life or talking about you adn your life. It means talking about the state of your relationship and what that means to you and him.

 

Women are notorious, and I mean REALLY notorious for making hte mistake of believeing that good conversation equals good communication. This is not true. Men aren't socialized to be able to cmmunicate their feelings effectively, and unlike women they don't constantly monitor how they feel in a relationship to even be able to determine if their behavior negatively effects the interaction.

 

Ultimately, you are in control of your emotional well-being, regardless of what our culture of blame tells us. We blame our partner, our mother, our nerves and society. In actuality, the only thing anyone ever truely owns is the attitude which they take in any given situation.

 

Your extended period without a relationship did affect you. It affects everyone because humans are social creatures. We crave that intimate interaction with other beings. In a recent survey of long-term relationships, women consistently showed more satisfaction with their lives if they had a satisfactory love relationship, while men showed more satisfaction if they had satisfactory realtionships with their social circle.

 

You are in control, so be in control and don't rely on this man to be happy. Talk to him about how you feel. If this relationship isn't satisfying, you will find one that is.

 

The fact tha the is a heavy drinker indicates that he may have a problem coping with stress.

[Blind or Stupid]

Thanks Tony, I took your advice and had a serious talk with my man. It became a heated discussion at one point but ended with us trying to start again on a new footing. After a weeks absence, he seems to have returned with a changed attitude - more attentive and less worried about closeness.

 

It remains to be seen whether it will last, but I really hope so. I'd hate to lose him.

 

Thanks again.

There is just no way to know if he will commit. You might try consulting a psychic. You say he's lonely and that he loves you. The question is are those enough to make him want to spend the rest of his life with you. There are obviously some underlying psychological reasons why he fears close or committed relationships. There are many men with the same fears. Different men handle it in different ways. He may need some couselling to help him overcome whatever difficulties he has that cause his panic over long-term situations.

 

If you keep taking him back after he leaves to get his space over and over, it is not likely he will ever be your one and only. I think ultimately, you will have to tell him he's simply got to make a decision. Assure him you will not consume him or suffocate him in a relationship but that you cannot endure his on again/off again conduct because it creates an emotional rollercoaster that you do not wish to endure. I'm not clear on what the status of your relationship is now, but the next time he needs space, give him the world and move on.