My boyfriend is obsessive...

[m0nd1m00re]

I am not sure what to do about my boyfriend. We have been going out for two years, with one break where I had to break up with him due to his obsessiveness. I am not allowed to hang out with other guys or study with them (I am a freshman in college).

 

I am not allowed to talk to his roomates when I visit, but i am a friendly person and I talk to them when they talk to me. Matt gets mad at me and will throw something at me, like a basketball and flick me off and go in another room. He is constantly calling me a slut or a whore because I have had boyfriends before and I am his first girlfriend.

 

I recently asked if we could start doing things in public because all we would do is hang out in my dorm room. When he took me out for food, he told me i had to stare into his face so that i wouldnt check out other guys. and when I looked around the room he started telling me that i was cheating on him and that he couldnt believe it, and "f you" was said to me. Needless to say I lost my appetite and the night was ruined.

 

He says all of these things and then expects me to be fine with him. He expects to cuddle and stuff afterwards, and he says " I love you" and I can't bring myself to say I love you too because he sickens me when he acts like this. I tell him how I feel but he never takes it seriously and just tells me that if I wasnt a bitch or a whore or someone who "cheats" on him then he would be happy. But I really and truly do not do anything wrong. And he says that's what my problem is.

 

Is there any way to change this relationship around? It was good for over a year and then it just turned sour. I dont know how i can make him understand. Please help me

[Thinkalot]

His behaviour is absolutely not acceptable. He is not treating you properly and is being controlling and a bully. HE has issues which he needs to address. That is the only way things will turn back around for you.

 

What sparked this behaviour??

 

He has no right to speak to you that way or treat you that way. Can you encourage him to seek counselling or help at all? If he is willing to seek help then there is a chance things MIGHT improve in time.

 

If not, I really think you should leave this situation now. This man has serious issues which he needs to address. Remove yourself before you suffer further. Step back and ask him to seek help.

 

I'm so sorry for what you have been going through..it must be very hard for you to cope with. Please look after yourself, and do not expose yourself to his controlling ways anymore...he will damage your self-esteem and you do not need to live like that.

[m0nd1m00re]

I believe college made him like this. we went to the same high school and were together 24/7 and had the same group of friends. we both went away to school and live 10 mins away now. and we only see each other once or twice a week. i think hes worried i will cheat on him or something. very insecure. this is what he said when i brought it up tonight on aol:

(12:12:51 AM): u need to treat me better b4 i treat u ne differently

 

he just doesnt seem to understand.

[pav186]

i do not see any reason why you should deal with him. I would leave him i was you, its completely ridiculous.

 

You have to stare him in the face when you're eating?? You cant talk to his friends?? Find someone who isnt so insecure and trusts you.

[reasontosigh]

......this is what he said when i brought it up tonight on aol:

(12:12:51 AM): u need to treat me better b4 i treat u ne differently ......

 

I don't like the sound of this at all. As a matter of fact, I got chills reading this.

 

.....and I can't bring myself to say I love you too because he sickens me when he acts like this. .....

 

I'm sure it does - and understandably so.

 

Please take Thinkalot's advice here. I can't stress it enough. From what I can see, things are only going to get worse the way they currently stand. You have got to put yourself first.

[Darkangelism]

Talk to him about it, he is treating you bad, if he wont change leave.

[befuddled11]

His treatment of you is total abuse. It's possessive and obsessive and controlling and paranoid. This is definitely *not* how most guys treat their "first real girlfriend." He's got huge issues with control, insecurity and jealousy.

 

You're young, there's tons more fish in the sea. Go talk to a campus counsellor.

 

I see no point in "talking with him" about his scary behavior. Talking about it isn't going to magically change his deep-seated insecurities and paranoia. He needs intensive therapy for that...and before that, he needs to realize he's got some huge problems. That's not something that's going to happen very easily or quickly. Life is short. You deserve a guy who will treat you with respect, not like you're his property.

 

He will likely grow up to be a guy who beats his wife and children. It all starts out this way, then gets worse.

 

Take it from someone who was married at 25 to a guy who was the poster-child for abuse. He wanted me to be isolated like your guy does...to no longer have friends, to never go out of the house, and when I didn't follow his rude "commands", he would call me filthy names and degrade me. That's how it started out.....then I guess that wasn't enough for him as it never is for abusive guys...and it turned to a hit or a slap or a shove....and it progressed even further from there.

 

You'd be wise, also, to get in touch with either the National Domestic Abuse hotline, or a local domestic abuse shelter.......so that you can speak with someone (anonymously) about how to proceed here. If you do decide to break up with him, you need to know how to be safe and protect yourself...because guys like this often can't deal with being dumped....and can become stalkers. If they believe you are their property, they feel even more intensified rage and a "loss of control" if their girl leaves them.

 

If you talk to a thousand young girls or women who've been with abusive men, they'll all tell you that your story sounds like theirs. So hoping your guy will change if you talk to him is merely wishful thinking.

 

Wish you the best, keep us posted.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

Your boyfriend sounds like he has separation anxiety of some sort, and he fears being abandoned by you. He may have had an experience in his life where he was abandoned (it didn't have to be from a girlfriend) or rejected, and to prevent that from happening, he's trying to control it from happening by controlling you. The reason he rants and raves at you is because he doesn't like being in a situation that he can't control (you being away in college). It frustrates him and he takes it out on you.

 

The sad reality of this, is that things are not going to get any better. The only way he's going to learn that is behavior is unacceptable is if you show him, and you do that by leaving him alone. No matter what you do or what you say, it's not going to convince him 100% that he can trust you. And if he has you going to extreme, to unreasonable and irrational means to stop you from cheating such as keeping your eye on him when you're out in public or not speaking to his roommates, if you stay with him and take that, it's only going to get worst.

 

Things may have been fine when you were in high school, but this change is showing you what his true colors are.

[Vivid_29]

It sounds like your boyfriend has some serious insecurity issues. Personally, I wouldn't stay in a relationship where I have to stare my SO in the face, because she fears that I'll be checking someone out.

 

You need to have a serious chit chat with him and his insecurities. You need to tell him he needs to stop acting like a f**king idiot or you'll hit the road!

 

Speaking of basketballs - I remember when one of my ex's threw a basketball at me and blasted me square in the face, when I wasn't looking -- that little sh*t!!! Geez, I was so f**king pissed off. You don't need that crap!

 

If he doesn't stop this behavior, dump this moron. He'll have plenty of time to think about it all, while sitting on the curb, ALONE ------ and it's very chilly outside!!!

 

~V

[Thinkalot]

I hope you are listening to us...and looking after yourself.

[m0nd1m00re]

thank you everyone...seriously. i have been reading everything very carefully. This past week we were on a "break" from each other and I hadnt talked to him til this morning. The first few days I missed him and wanted to call him so bad, but after that I realized that I was having fun on my own and that I had missed that more than anything. When I talked to him this morning it was for him to yell at me that he found out that I had drank with my friends while I was home for Easter break. So...it made everything come together with what you all have been saying and I realized that I dont need that... I still dont know what to do with myself but I have plenty of time to figure things out!

 

Thank you so much for all the help...and the advice. No one ever says they want to grow up and marry, or be with, one of "those" guys...and I dont either!

[morrigan]

Have you fully broken up with him yet? I know it's hard to let go when you have feelings about someone, but this guy is scarily manipulative and controlling. He is an emotional abuser, and it sounds like he's getting worse over time.

 

I'd really advise you, for your own peace of mind, to make a clean break. Tell him that the relationship is over, clearly and firmly. Notify him you do not want to have any more communication with him at this time. Don't accept his phone calls or emails--this guy will scream and call you the foulest words imaginable. Don't be persuaded by the charm he may use to manipulate you into going back to him.

 

I'm not saying he could be a stalker, but he has a very dominant, abusive personality--he needs to be in control of everything, including you. If you end things with him and he continues to harass you, contact the police.

[spencer]

isn't it nice not to be yelled at all day.

everyday gets better.

[cobbled]

Your boyfriend has some kind of anxiety, and in order to maintain some kind of grip or control or balance in his world, he thinks that you are the perfect instrument to control and play around with. Scary.

 

Leave him now, before he goes further and beats you up. You will find yourself in a sick, violent cycle, where you fight, he beats you up, he apologizes, blames you for your being beaten up, and you take him back.

[hcorb]

I could've written that post myself! I am going through the same thing and it is driving me crazy!!! My boyfriend gets these scenarios in his head and then there is no talking to him. No matter what, I am cheating on him. I get the name calling, etc. Just yesterday he started this when his friend was visiting (we live together). Then later he is all upset and even cries and begs me not to break up with him because it would kill him. He says he loves me too much. He also sometimes says he wants to kill himself because I drive him crazy. Well, I've certainly got a lot to think about. I think I am at the end of my rope now. It was good to read all the input!

[xXchelseaXx]

I am in a very simular situation. My boyfriend and I have only been dating for about 3 months, but I spend all of my time with him. If I'm not at his house or him at mine, we are on the phone. I am his first girlfriend and I have had a few others. Though nothing really serious. We have completely fallen in love with eachother. We have gotten in several fights and they were all based around his jealously, control issues, and my past boyfriends.

 

He gets jealous when I go out with my friends, and even family! My whole life is revolved around him and I'm not sure how much longer I can take it. He admits to be insecure and a very jealous person. Though he doesn't change. He also has admitted to being obsessed with me.

 

That's partly flattering but on the other hand, sort of scary. He tells me what clothes not to wear (for instance short skirts and low cut shirts) and at one point even told me that he didn't want me to wear thongs.

 

He frequently thinks that I don't love or care about him as much as he loves and cares about me, and he just gets real pissed.

He's very short-tempered and I'm quite the opposite. I'm a pushover! And I'm pretty convinced that he takes advantage of that.

People have told me that he may grow up and be abusive towards me, and that I should go ahead about break up with him. But we talk about being together forever all the time, and you can't understand how close we have gotten over these last couple of months.

 

WHAT DO I DO?! I 'm SO confused! PLease help!

 

THANKS

[ziggue]

That is called Emotional Abuse. They want to control everything you are doing, Everyone who you hang out with, Seperation anxiety and jelousy with friends and people I radomly talk too. I am a pretty friendly easy going person too. The total opposite to that guy.

 

It could be the way the guy grew up too. He could've had a very hard life. Growing up. Maybe a parent died when he was young or he came from an abusive family? Both those things had happened to my Ex. Still that doesn't excuse the treatment they give you.

 

I remember being in a similar situation two years ago too. It's not good at all. My Ex had these bad senario's in his head that made him paranoid , he would raise his voice when he talked to me a lot, call me names, tried to control who I saw like say things like "Can't you live a day without your friends?" I only see them every couple of weeks and weekends. Couldn't understand why he would say something like that because of that.

 

I also heard rumours that he beat up his ex girlfriend. She ended up leaving him while he was at work one day. Probably wanted to escape all the hell that he put her through.

 

After hearing about that I was pretty cautious with the relationship I was in. I left before any of that even start to happen to me.

 

A couple of months later I couldn't take feeling controlled, scared, paranoid of saying the wrong thing to him all the time and ended up braking it off with him after he started yelling at me for no reason in front of my friends at my friends 21st mind you. Didn't want to drag them into it as well. He ended up getting into a fight with her brothers. They don't like it when guys raise their voices to their girls. Got kicked out too. That was the last straw. Last I ever saw of the guy, Ex. The best thing I ever did.

 

Now I have a wonderful boyfriend who would never think of doing that to me. He comes from a great family, totally respects me and has proven to me hat he wants to make our relationship work. Hopefully it lasts. .

 

Even though it may take time there is always someone else better out there for you. Never thought it would happen for me! Especially when you are young. You just gotta keep looking.