First Heartbreak

[Katt22]

So here goes my sob story. Im 22, kinda shy and introverted. I had never been in a real relationship before so I decided to put myself out there. I joined this dating site and after a few weeks I went on a date with this guy. I thought he was amazing and I fell in love with him. I was still in college at the time but I would spend every weekend at his house just being blissfully happy. He told me he wanted to marry me. But then things started to get weird. He came to me one day out of the blue and told me he didn’t know about “us”. I went back to college convinced he was going to leave me. The next day he called and said he still loved me and still wanted to get married and that’s just the way he is sometimes. He did this to me three or four times and every time it just devastated me. He asked me to move in with him in December and I agreed. I moved in with him and shortly after he had one of these episodes, only this one was worse. He told me he didn’t love me anymore and that I had to leave. I had a panic attack right there in front of him (I have anxiety) I cried and pleaded. Then just like that he was fine again, he told me I was the love of his life and he didn’t know why he said those things. I stayed with him even though every voice in my head was screaming to leave. I doubted everything he said for a long time, but eventually I got busy with work and things started to normalize again.

 

Three weeks ago it happened again, he told me he didn’t love me and I had to leave. I begged and pleaded and humiliated myself and he just got angry. He told me that all he did was worry about me and he couldn’t take it anymore. We fought all night, and in the morning I had to call my parents to take me back home. I came back and packed my things the next day. I called him twice out of weakness. I was totally devastated and he sounded fine, like nothing had happened at all. I tried to talk to him about what happened, trying to get some closure or something but all he would say is that he “just stopped loving me” and would get irate when I pressed him further.

It’s been three weeks and I cry every day. I am completely devastated, I can’t eat all I do is sleep and cry. He hasn’t contacted me at all. He was my first love and my best friend and I miss him so much. It doesn’t make sense to me that someone could just stop loving me. I want a real answer from him but I know he won’t give it to me. I don’t know what to do. I feel like the pain is never going to go away. How do I get over this? I still love him and I know I shouldn’t and that kills me inside. Someone please give me some advice, how do I move on?

[counterman]

I feel for you Katt. The first love always hurts the most...

 

He was hot and cold regarding how he really felt about you. Nobody in their right mind would change their mind and say that he doesn't love or he's not sure or whatever, 5 or how ever many times. He seemed halfhearted about you and the relationship. Most importantly, he was unsure. This should been an indicator for you to move on... but love makes us do foolish things. I want you to know that it's okay how you reacted, our emotions get the better of us sometimes and that's just the way it is.

 

Right now you might not be feeling it, but you will love again. As for moving on, there's no easy way to it. Delete his contact details, do not answer anything from him, do not try to look for any info about him... Now is the time for you and you only; time to focus on yourself. Start doing things for yourself. Go hang out with your friends, exercise, start a new class, do anything that you've always wanted. It'll be hard because you're feeling hurt right now and I feel for you. You will stumble but you'll certainly pick yourself up again. Just give it a try and persevere. When I was heartbroken, it took me over half a year to get over it. Why? Because I kept looking for ways to contact my ex, kept obsessing about trying to get back with her and kept thinking about what I did. But you know what? The best thing I did was just letting go. It was hard but it's the best you can do for yourself. Accepting that you need to move on is a big first step, so good on you.

 

Stay strong and keep us posted on how you're doing. If you ever feel the urge to say something to him, just post it on here.

[Katt22]

Thank you! Its nice to feel like someone understands, a lot of my friends are rather young like me and they don't seem to. I'm trying to take the time for me and all that. I deleted his contact information and hid away all his gifts and the engagement ring. I keep fantasying about him coming back to me and it just annihilates me inside when I realize he never will. I miss the apartment we lived in, I miss my independence. I let him take so much from me, and maybe it was just inexperience. I saw the red flags but I just ignored them. I feel like an idiot.

 

I'm trying to do everything right but I just don't seem to feel any better. Everything just keeps playing over and over again in my head and I feel like I'm loosing my mind sometimes. Lately I've been waking up with the strongest urge to call him even though I know its just going to throw me back to square one. How long am I going to feel like this? I just want it to go away. I feel like this ghost just walking around, theres never a moment where he's not on my mind. Thank you for your advice, I'm going to start going to the gym and doing things for me. I have to learn how to love myself again, its just really hard.

[Downtown]

It doesn’t make sense to me that someone could just stop loving me [so frequently].

Actually, it makes perfect sense if your exBF suffers from strong BPD traits. The behavioral traits you are describing match most of the well-known pattern of traits called Borderline Personality Disorder. Significantly, all of us occasionally exhbit all nine of the BPD traits, albeit at a low level if we are emotionally healthy. They pose a problem only when they become strong enough to impede our ability to form and maintain LTRs with other people. Your exBF's traits seem to be at least that strong. Whether they are so strong as to meet the diagnostic criteria for "having full blown BPD" can only be determined by a professional.

 

This does not imply, however, that you cannot spot the red flags for strong traits. Before you graduated high school, you already could spot strong selfishness and grandiosity -- without being able to diagnose Narcissistic PD. You could recognize a strong occurrence of extreme shyness and over-sensitivity to criticism without having to diagnose Avoidant PD. And you could spot the class drama queen without having a clue about diagnosing Histrionic PD. Similarly, you can recognize a strong occurrence of the nine BPD traits if you take time to read about them.

 

One reason I am suggesting you do so is that getting an understanding of BPD probably is the closest thing to "closure" you will ever get for this failed relationship. Another reason is that, until you learn what red flags to look for, you are at risk of running into the arms of another man just like your ex. The chance of doing so is about as likely as falling in love with a left handed person (1 out of 12).

 

In that regard, a recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults found a lifetime incidence of having it at the diagnostic level to be 6% of the general population. Of course, many other folks have traits so strong that you would be miserable living with them even though their traits fall somewhat short of the diagnostic level. Hence, when you add them to the 6%, the total share of "BPDers" may be 9 or 10%.

The next day he called and said he still loved me and still wanted to get married and that’s just the way he is sometimes. He did this to me three or four times.

One of the hallmarks of BPDer behavior is the endless cycle of push-away and pull-back. There are several reasons for this behavior. One is that the BPDer has two strong fears: engulfment and abandonment. Because he has a fragile, unstable sense of who he is, he hates to be alone. He wants a strong personality around him who will help "center him" and give him focus.

 

Yet, as you draw close to him, he will feel engulfed by your strong personality, as though he is losing himself and evaporating into thin air. He also will experience it as been suffocated and controlled by you. He therefore will push you away, usually by creating an argument over nothing. This, incidentally, is why your worst arguments with a BPDer will happen immediately after your most intimate evenings or best weekends together.

 

As you draw back to give him breathing space, however, you will eventually trigger his fear of abandonment within weeks, if not days. Then he will start pulling you back by being extra sweet and giving you great make up sex. Significantly, this unending flipping from adoration to devaluation is very confusing and addictive, because you are always thinking you can restore the ecstasy if you can only figure out what you are doing wrong.

 

Another reason for his alternating between adoration and devaluation is his splitting, i.e., his tendency to only be in touch with one set of feelings at a time. BPDers cannot tolerate having strong mixed feelings for very long. The result is that, when he is loving you, he is totally out of touch with the bad feelings and doubts he has about you. And, likewise, when he is not loving you, he is totally out of touch with his loving feelings. This leads to his classifying everyone as "all good" or "all bad," a process called "all-or-nothing" thinking that results from splitting. It creates a black-white view of people that, not surprisingly, destroys his ability to maintain LTRs with folks. Moreover, based on an innocent comment or action, a BPDer will reclassify people from one extreme to the other.

I thought he was amazing and I fell in love with him....I would spend every weekend at his house just being blissfully happy.

As I just described, a BPDer experiences a purity of emotion -- feeling only one emotion very intensely at a time. This means he is unhampered by the mixed feelings that the rest of us experience -- which impairs our ability to show affection. That is, 80% of our facial muscles will say "I love you" while the remaining 20% say "But I'm not so sure." Hence, a BPDer is very easy to fall in love with. On top of that, he will mirror your the best aspects of your personality during the honeymoon period, which may last as long as six months. The mirroring is so wonderful and well done that both of you will be convinced you've met your soul mate.

he told me I was the love of his life and he didn’t know why he said those things.

If he is a BPDer, he really does not know. All personality disorders (PDs) are ego-syntonic, i.e., such an entrenched part of the thinking done since early childhood that the disorders are invisible to the PD sufferer. BPD is considered a "thought disorder" because the intense feelings distort his perception of your intentions and motivations. Of course, he is not "crazy" because that would require him to have a distorted view of physical reality.

I stayed with him even though every voice in my head was screaming to leave.

Your leaving him and staying away after only a year of such abusive, insulting treatment is a testament to your healthy, strong level of personal boundaries. Emotionally healthy people like you typically are willing to tolerate the crap for up to a year while trying to restore the idyllic conditions of the honeymoon period. Then you bail and stay away. In contrast, codependent guys like me never leave or stay away. Instead, we hang on for years (fifteen, in my case) until the BPDer abandons us -- because they become increasingly resentful each year that we are unable to make them happy.

He told me that all he did was worry about me and he couldn’t take it anymore.

He is telling the truth. Being around you so closely is extremely painful for him. Yes, I know, I know -- you desperately wanted to help heal him by loving him. What you wanted, however, is impossible. Trying to heal a BPDer by loving him is like trying to heal a burn patient by hugging him. He simply is not stable enough -- and not emotionally mature enough -- to handle the intimacy, which he experiences as engulfment.

I was totally devastated and he sounded fine, like nothing had happened at all.

Because BPDers experience such intense pain routinely, they usually protect themselves by doing the splitting I mentioned above. That is, they simply split off the bad feelings. This is why, in only ten seconds' time, he can flip from devaluing you back to adoring you. My exW, for example, would throw an ugly tantrum for several hours and then, in an instant, be ready to go make love to me. She could not understand why I -- hampered by the display of hatred I had just witnessed -- would not be in a loving mood for days. Instead of seeing me as a man who is able to be in touch with strong mixed feelings, she simply saw me as a man who held "grudges" for days.

I tried to talk to him about what happened, trying to get some closure or something but all he would say is that he “just stopped loving me” and would get irate when I pressed him further.

While the good feelings are split off, his conscious mind is completely out of touch with them. Hence, as far as he can tell, he has completely lost the love. Like a four year old, he is a slave to the intense feeling he is experiencing that moment.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like the pain is never going to go away.

Yes, that is how you are supposed to feel when a loved one is drowning right in front of you and won't reach out for your hand. He won't let you help him because, until he gets years of therapy, he is incapable of trusting you. So he won't believe you.

 

Although it feels like the pain will never go away, that thought is only a FEELING. If you were a BPDer, that feeling would constitute a fact and be your reality. But you are not a BPDer. So you learned, before you left high school, that you cannot trust your own feelings. You also learned how to challenge them intellectually, which usually means not taking any action, not saying anything, and not typing anything, until you have time to cool down. Just like the BPDers, all of us get thought distortions when experiencing intense feelings.

 

Hence, the answer to "what to do?" is that you don't do anything until you have several months to heal. Instead, read about BPD so you have a better understanding of the dysfunctional nature of your relationship. That will help your rational thinking to return more quickly.

I still love him and I know I shouldn’t.

No, no. There is nothing wrong with loving him. He is a good person who has been an important part of your life. Indeed, he has given you an insight into basic human behavior (and human suffering) that few women will ever achieve in their lifetimes. Your love for him is not the problem.

 

Instead, it has been your failure to recognize that your presence in the relationship is harmful to him because you are nearly always triggering his fear of engulfment (by moving closer) or his fear of abandonment (by drawing away). Significantly, I spent 15 years hunting for that Goldilocks position midway between "too close" and "too far away." It took me that long to realize that the Goldilocks position does not exist. You also failed to realize you cannot possibly help this young man. He must do the work himself. But, lest you start beating yourself up over these two failures, I note that you cannot easily know those things. Nobody will tell you. I am convinced that, at a time in their lives when students are looking for a lifetime mate, our schools should be teaching this stuff. But they don't. Indeed, they aren't doing a very good job with simple English and math here in the States.

I feel like an idiot.

Silly, silly girl! You're not an idiot. You did well! For the very first love of your life, you had the misfortune of starting with an unstable, emotionally unavailable man. Most of the folks on this forum who encountered a BPDer in their 30's and 40's haven't done nearly as well as you. Certainly, not me. I married one in my late 40's and, due to my codependency traits, got out of it 15 years later only because she left me. I therefore applaud you, Katt!

a lot of my friends are rather young like me and don't understand.

They don't understand that, when a BPDer is splitting you white, it is the most intoxicating experience on earth. When he is good, your ex is very VERY good. Like a heroine high, it is something we are willing to fight for over and over again -- to experience just one more time.

I feel like I'm loosing my mind sometimes.

"Feeling crazy" is a hallmark of dating a BPDer. If you had been dating a sociopath or narcissist, you would feel miserable and abused but you would not feel crazy. Indeed, of the ten PDs, BPD is the only one that is infamous for making the nonBPD partner feel like she is losing her mind. The reason, of course, is the unending cycle of push-away and pull-back, always making you feel like you can restore the bliss by figuring out what you're doing wrong. And the BPDer adds to that by always blaming you for everything. The nonBPDers ("Nons") refer to this blaming process as "gaslighting." It is named after the classic 1944 movie, "Gaslight," in which a husband (Charles Boyer) tries to drive his new bride (Ingrid Bergman) crazy so as to have her committed to an institution and to run off with her family jewels.

 

To avoid triggering a BPDer's anger or withdrawal, you likely have been walking on eggshells, trying to avoid anything that would upset him or drive him away. This is why the biggest selling BPD book (targeted to Nons) is called "Stop Walking on Eggshells." You have not been acting yourself -- for so long that you may have forgotten what the real you is like. And the repeated rejection is damaging to your self image. Well, don't worry. By maintaining NC, your real self will come roaring back so quickly you likely will be surprised.

 

I caution that there are considerable differences in the behavior of BPDers. Most of them are high functioning BPDers -- as your ex may be -- and most have only some of the nine BPD traits. Further, although most BPDers direct their anger outward in temper tantrums and verbal abuse, a portion of them direct it inward -- punishing and controlling you not by being verbally abusive but, rather, by becoming cold and withholding of all affection. They use passive aggression. I mention this because nearly all descriptions of BPD you will find online describe only the outwardly hostile, abusive form -- which is inconsistent with your description of your ex's behavior.

 

Moreover, most people having a PD at the diagnostic level actually have two or three PDs, not just one. This is because psychologists created too many PDs, a mistake they are correcting in the DSM-5 which should be released in 2013. The current draft combines many PDs, reducing them from 10 PDs to only five, one of which is BPD. I mention this because the behaviors you describe sound like they may partially overlap with Avoidant PD, which also is being retained in the new diagnostic manual.

 

I therefore would suggest that, if what I've said about BPD does not sound familiar, you read about Avoidant PD. To me, your description so far sounds more like the traits of a "quiet borderline" (aka, "waif borderline"), whose anger is more inner directed. One important difference between the two is that, whereas a quiet BPDer is emotionally unstable, an Avoidant is stable.

 

Otherwise, they generally share the characteristics I described above (but both refrain from explicit verbal abuse). I provide more detail about the nine BPD traits -- together with a link to an excellent BPD article -- in my three posts in Inigo's thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2826453#post2826453. If you want to read about quiet BPDers, I would be happy to give you links about that too. Take care, Katt.

[Katt22]

Oh my God, thank you so much. Everything you said matched my life for the past year perfectly its really frightening. He would be so clingy and affectionate and then so distant and cold. Somehow I thought it was me, I thought I was being too needy, I couldn't understand why he kept pushing me away. I could feel his distant phases coming on like a freight train and I would do everything I could to avoid them, I tried to be perfect but nothing helped. I defiantly felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time, my stomach would be in knots constantly. I haven't felt like myself in months. I used to be this vibrant, funny person with a ton of wonderful friends and family. We moved an hour away from everyone and I felt so isolated and scared. I knew this wasn't normal but I was too ashamed to tell anyone what was really going on.

 

The sad thing is, is that he knows he's ill, but he won't get help. I remember begging him to please go to the doctor and get reffered to someone he could talk to and he just snapped and told me that I was just trying to medicate him like I was (I have anxiety and mild depression and manage it with medication) The last time I talked to him he told me he knew he was sick, but just plain refused to get help.

 

I feel like I've wasted my time and my tears and my love on this man who does not have the capacity to love anyone. I lost a lot of my innocence to this guy and I feel like I'm going to regret that for the rest of my life. I live in fear that he's going to call me and be that sweet person I fell in love with again and I'm too weak right now to deny him.

 

Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I was so confused and I felt so alone, I can't tell you how much this has really helped me gain an insight to what really happened. Thank you, I don't think I could have moved on without that!

[Downtown]

Katt, I'm so glad to hear you found the BPD information helpful.

I defiantly felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time, my stomach would be in knots constantly. I haven't felt like myself in months.

You never asked about it in this thread, but you had to have wondered for months how he was able to get along so well with business associates, casual friends, and complete strangers. Unlike you, none of them ever had to walk on eggshells.

 

The answer is that, whereas you posed a continual threat to his two great fears, they did not. With them, there was no intimacy to trigger the fear of engulfment. And no close relationship existed that could be abandoned. Heaven help those folks, however, if they ever draw close to him.

We moved an hour away from everyone and I felt so isolated and scared.

Because a BPDer has such a strong fear of abandonment and usually is unable to trust you, he typically will make every effort to isolate you from friends and family -- who otherwise could interfere with his controlling ways by saying things like "That's the most pathetic excuse I've ever heard."

 

Because a BPDer accepts his intense feelings as self-evident "facts," his attempts to justify his bizarre actions to you will often be fanciful and convoluted -- devoid of rational thought. Any friends or family hearing such absurd rationalizations would be throwing them in your face for months.

The sad thing is, is that he knows he's ill, but he won't get help.

Yes, a BPDer's problem is not being stupid but, rather, unstable and unable to regulate his own emotions. BPDers therefore know down deep that something is wrong with them (narcissists, in contrast, believe that the projected false self is their true self). Yet, because a BPDer has a fragile, unstable sense of who he is, he is terrified of finding one more thing to add to the long list of things he hates about himself.

 

Moreover, he has been filled with shame since early childhood and it is very painful to feel it when acknowledging a flaw, particularly one as dreaded (but unjustly so) as BPD. So there is little chance he will seek therapy or, if he does, stay there very long. Therapist Shari Schreiber says you have a better chance flying to the moon strapped to a banana than ever seeing a BPDer stay in therapy long enough to make a difference. It is simply heartbreaking.

I lost a lot of my innocence to this guy and I feel like I'm going to regret that for the rest of my life.

Whoa!!! That's another intense feeling. Like the other intense feelings, don't believe it. It will pass. The fact is, given society's total failure in preparing you for dealing with a BPDer, you could not have behaved in any other way and remained true to your underlying caregiver nature. And, to your great credit, you realized within a year that you had to stay away from him -- and you decided to take action by seeking assistance on this forum. As a result, this has been a great learning experience for you, making you far stronger than you were before.

 

Significantly, I am not saying that the added knowledge about unstable folks and insights into your own personality are worth the tremendous pain you suffered. Rather, I'm simply saying that you are walking away as a much stronger woman because you have learned things about other human beings that cannot be learned by just reading a textbook. And you will be even stronger in six months after you've had more time to heal from that toxic relationship.

I live in fear that he's going to call me and be that sweet person I fell in love with again and I'm too weak right now to deny him.

BPDers sometimes "split you black" permanently and don't want to reel you back into the relationship. My exW, for example, did that after 15 years with me. Some BPDers do it much sooner. Still, your exBF likely will contact you, being that sweet guy you've seen so many times. What is unlikely, however, is that you will choose to go back. Simply stated, you now know too much. Even if you do go back to him for a while, you will terminate it shortly. You now know way too much to ever see him again as anything other than a pouting four year old in a man's body.

 

Due to his heredity and early childhood experiences, his emotional development was frozen at that young age, forcing him to rely heavily on the primitive emotional defenses of a young child throughout adulthood. This is why you see him rely so much on projection (i.e., blaming), splitting (i.e., black-white thinking), denial, controlling behavior, and magical thinking. Significantly, this insight constitutes an explanation, not an excuse, for his current behavior. He therefore should be held fully accountable for that behavior. Otherwise, he has no chance at all of confronting his illness and learning to manage it.

 

What concerns me, however, is the possibility you have excessive caregiver aspects to your personality like I do. Because you were able to break away within a year of the crap starting, it is unlikely you have such excessive traits. But you nonetheless could still be somewhat "codependent," i.e., your desire to be needed (for what you can do) far exceeds your desire to be loved (for the woman you already are). People like me mistake being needed for being loved. Indeed, we don't even recognize that someone actually loves us if they don't desperately need us.

 

We therefore walk right past the emotionally available folks until we find a vulnerable-appearing person who desperately needs us. Hence, we are suckers for BPDer relationships. BPDers do not go hunting for us. Rather, we find them. If you feel that is a valid concern for you, I would be glad to discuss it further with you. The most popular book on that issue, incidentally, is Codependent No More.

He would be so clingy and affectionate and then so distant and cold.

Again, you mention nothing about explicit verbal abuse. Most BPDers are easily triggered into rages and temper tantrums lasting about five hours. Because you mention nothing about such outbreaks of such meanness, I advised you earlier to read about "quiet" or "waif" BPDers. An excellent article about them is written by A.J. Mahari at http://borderlinepersonality.typepad.com/my_weblog/2008/07/borderline-pe-2.html. A longer and better article is available at http://www.gettinbetter.com/waif.html. It is written by therapist Shari Schreiber, who is my favorite author on BPD and codependency. It therefore recommend all of the dozen articles available at her website.

 

Keep in mind, however, that all BPDers occasionally switch back and forth between acting out and acting in. At issue, then, is how your exBF behaves most of the time when unleashing his anger. That determines his predominant type of dysfunctional behavior. As offensive as the "acting out" is to us Nons, it is considered much healthier for the BPD sufferer because the "acting in" is more self destructive when BPD traits are strong.

 

Finally, I suggest that -- until you are feeling back to your usual self -- you participate (or at least lurk) at BPDfamily.com. It is the largest and most active BPD site I've ever found that is targeted solely to us Nons. It is so large that the forum houses a dozen separate message boards. The one most likely to help you is the "Leaving" board. Like the Schreiber site, this one has a dozen excellent articles available at no charge. If you don't read any other article or book, be sure to at least read Article 9 at http://www.bpdfamily.com/tools/articles9.htm. It gives ten tips about how to survive a breakup with a BPD sufferer.

 

So, in the unlikely event you return to your exBF to enjoy the great make up sex and momentary adoration, go to that "Leaving" board, where you will find the recent stories of hundreds of "Nons" who are still going through the painful process of extracting themselves from a toxic relationship with a BPDer. If you choose to do so, you can share your story and benefit from their comments. But don't forget about us here at LoveShack. We will want to read your updates when you have time to write. And we will continue to support you as long as you find our comments helpful. Meanwhile, start taking care of yourself for a change, Caregiver.

Edited April 24, 2011 by Downtown

[Katt22]

Thank you so much for all your help Downtown. I have been anguishing over this for so long that its just amazing to begin to understand what I've been going through and struggling to understand for so long. There were so many things that struck me as so strange about him, he didn't have any strong relationships with friends or his family, he seemed completely unable to understand why some of his behavior was unacceptable (still talking to his ex girlfriend, constantly bashing my family, getting aggravated when I talked to my mother for any amount of time, very controlling behavior). No he did not lash out violently or be obviously verbally abusive, but he was emotionally manipulative. He would be hurtful in other quiet ways, playing on my insecurities subtlety and getting angry when I was finally reduced to tears. I would feel like I would have to apologize for how he was making me feel.

 

I think you're right about the care-giving aspects of my personality. I find myself not so much missing him but missing the feeling of being wanted and needed. There have been a lot of people in my life just like my exBF, friends and acquaintances that I have made that acted it almost the exact same way. I realized these relationships were toxic and terminated them without really understanding the underlying problem, and not without great personal pain. If its true that someone like me actually seeks someone like him out I'm afraid that my future relationships will be just as dysfunctional and ultimately painful, or worse I bring this completely skewed paranoia to an otherwise healthy relationship and sabotage myself.

[Strength of Heart]

Downtown you just completely made me realize what my whole relationship was with my BDP ex and I wish I had known about this earlier. Everything you described was her in a nutshell, she is now 18, I was with her for two and a half years. She also definitely demonstrated the "Quiet" one over the other one.

 

I feel a lot better now, although I too am worried that I am co-dependent. I was attracted to this girl at first sight when I met her not only because she was beautiful, but I could sense she was someone in need of a hero and I served that role for the honeymoon phase of our relationship. Things began to go downhill shortly after the honeymoon phase, although we stayed and had an intense relationship for a year and a half after that.

 

She ALWAYS complained about missing how things were at the beginning of the relationship and I always tried to explain that things cannot realistically stay that way in a matured relationship.

 

She also developed feelings for a recovering drug addict when she left me, but he has a GF so apparently she hasn't made any moves.

 

Been NC for a week and a half now with no intention of stopping, she's pulled me back in and pushed me away numerous times since the Break Up. She has also become a very very heavy drinker since we broke up, where as when with me (I don't drink or do drugs) she NEVER did any of that. She makes friends easily and adapts to their lifestyles to do so, but she only really has one true close best friend that she is close too.

 

You've helped me realize that this girl is not at all healthy for me, especially since I have that caring quality and I think I may be co-Dependant.

 

The information you have given me has filled me with hope I haven't had since the break up, if you don't mind can I message you just asking some questions?

[Downtown]

Strength, I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through the very same pain that Katt has been suffering. Because a pattern of strong BPD traits is about as common as left handedness, and because codependency may be more common still, there probably are hundreds of millions of other codependents and BPDers who -- at this very moment -- are trying to extricate themselves from toxic relationships. I am glad to hear you found the BPD and codependency information helpful.

 

To answer your question, yes, please feel free to PM me. That is the only practical way to discuss issues that are too personal to place on a public forum. Yet, if you have many questions of a general nature about BPD and us "extreme caregivers," I would encourage you to raise them in one of the threads you've already started about your breakup -- and let me know to look for it. The resulting activity will keep pulling that thread to the top of the list, attracting a variety of viewpoints on your breakup as other members share their experiences too.

 

I caution that all of us occasionally exhibit all nine of the BPD traits, albeit at a low level if we are emotionally healthy and mature. Indeed, we likely exhibit some of those traits at least several times a day. We do splitting, for example, every time we are suddenly startled or indulge in daydreaming. Generally, BPD traits only become a problem when they are so strong that they impair our ability to form and sustain close LTRs with loved ones.

 

Significantly, a strong pattern of BPD traits arises from an arrested emotional development (stuck at the level of a four year old). It therefore is not surprising that it can be difficult to distinguish between a moderate level of BPD traits and the typical behavior of 16 year old adolescents. Most of them are struggling with a self-identity crisis, raging hormones, emotional immaturity, lack of impulse control, and very little dating experience.

 

Hence, unless BPD traits are severe, most professionals are reluctant to render a BPD diagnosis before a person turns 18 or 19. Although we are only talking about looking for red flags (far easier than performing a diagnosis), it is important to note that you started dating your exGF when she was only 16 and then broke up when she was 18.

 

This means that, unless her traits are very strong, she may still have a good chance of growing out of any BPD-type behaviors you witnessed during her adolescence. If she does quickly outgrow those problems, the dysfunctional behavior was due to the stresses of being an adolescent, not to the emotional core damage (in early childhood) that results in the persistent, strong BPD traits I wrote about in the context of Katt's exBF. That said, I look forward to seeing your PM, Strength.

[PollyIvy]

Downtown, these posts are amazing. Thank you.

[Downtown]

PollyIvy, thanks so much for your kind words. I'm glad to hear you found the information on BPDer behavior useful.

[PollyIvy]

Yeah Downtown, I've been married to Dr. Jeckyll/Mr Hyde for 15 years. I wish he would get a diagnosis. But apparently it's easier to destroy your marriage, break up the family, screw up the kids, and move as far away as possible, than to face up to the fact that you might have a little problemo.

The only thing he ever did was agree to get his testosterone levels checked. I was praying that there would be a simple physical explanation for the moods and crazy-making. But nope.