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Would you refuse to be friends with a girl you wanted to date?


iris219

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…but who doesn’t want to date you?

 

You must have liked something about her, so why not remain friends? It seems really immature to reject someone’s friendship because you’re not going to get exactly what you want (i.e., sex). If you remain friends, maybe she could introduce you to one of her friends (or vice versa).

 

I can understand not wanting to friends with an ex (though I wouldn’t mind if he wasn't a jerk), but why would you not want to be friends with a woman who you’ve never dated? This makes no sense to me, especially when you’re over the age of 19. My friends are so important to me at this point in my life, so I can’t understand why a guy would say, “If we can’t date, we can’t be friends.” This makes me feel like they only see value in me sexually.

 

I just don’t get it. Are they doing this out of spite? (As in “Ha, Ha, if I can’t sleep with you, you can’t hang out with me.”) If a guy does this, I know I made the correct decision in not wanting to date him.

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I've had this happen to me. He said it was just too painful to be around me. Especially having to see me with other men. So I lost a friend of 20 years.

 

I don't think they see you as just a sex object. If that's all it was, then it wouldn't bother them so much to be told no. They see you as someone they love. And to be denied love hurts far more than to be denied sex.

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Darren Taylor

Look at it from a guy's perspective:

 

 

If I'm a guy and a girl isn't interested in me, why would I waste my time in friendship with you? I wanted to be with you, and if I settle for friendship I have to see you date and bang other guys and have to hear about it. That's basically torture.

 

It would be the same thing if it was vice versa. If you're interested in a guy and he's not interested, why torture yourself by settling for friendship?

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if a guy is interested in a girl, they dont want to be just friends with her.

the only way a guy can be friends with a girl is if there is 0 attraction or no desire to get into her pants haha! (im speaking from hearing my guy friends saying this)

 

the only way i have guy friends is by growing up with thems since i was 7 or 2 guy friends who are guys that ive dated in the passt but now we have 0 attraction and desire towards each other but have remained friends. alot of people dont understand this.

 

its quite rare to be able to be friends with an ex after a breakup , usually theres a healing period of nc involved and perhaps later on down the road if theres mutual friends involved a FRIENDSHIP may involve.

 

point blank, guys that care love you dont want to hear you talk about another guy, his abs, or how the other guy makes you feel.

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Professor X
Look at it from a guy's perspective:

 

 

If I'm a guy and a girl isn't interested in me, why would I waste my time in friendship with you? I wanted to be with you, and if I settle for friendship I have to see you date and bang other guys and have to hear about it. That's basically torture.

 

They see you as someone they love. And to be denied love hurts far more than to be denied sex.

 

Nothing more to add really.

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I agree with what everyone else said. It's just too much to handle. Plus, some use the friends card just to make themselves feel less guilty about rejecting the other person.

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I would HOPE a guy would not want to be friends if he were really interested. I just had the one issue with Group guy (already in a group of friends) who I had to say "No" to any kind of date because of Few Dates Guy and my focus on him, and I think Group guy and I can continue to be group friends, but if he wanted to hang out a lot or asked me to do things alone (doubt he would), I'd be wary. It's just not a good dynamic when one person is interested/available and the other isn't; at least at first. I think things can change and such as people's situations change.

 

Now, I think people who can't be FRIENDLY are immature. Friendly is not friends. I can be friendly to almost anyone I respect well enough to be interested in and expect the same if I see someone in public or with mutual friends or something.

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the only way a guy can be friends with a girl is if there is 0 attraction or no desire to get into her pants haha! (im speaking from hearing my guy friends saying this).

I'm friends with men when there is a low level attraction. The difference is when the parties are in love with someone else so they would never act on that attraction.

 

After my husband died, I was amazed at how many of my single male "friends" jumped out of the woodwork all of a sudden wanting more. It was a shock. :( The married ones are still friends.

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How is it torture if it’s someone you don’t know well or have never had the opportunity to date? And I’m not talking about being in love with anyone. I agree it would be torture to be in love with someone and have to see them date other people.

 

I could be friends with someone I was previously interested in dating. Interested in dating is into the same thing as in love with. If I knew a relationship wasn’t in the cards, I would be able to start seeing the person as merely my friend and nothing else, and any romantic feelings I had would fade away because it's not like I ever dated the person or had physical contact with them (therefore, I'm not emotionally attached to the point where being their friend is uncomfortable).

 

I guess I don't understand why people can't just decide to be uninterested or channel the emotion into creating a great friendship.

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Darren Taylor
How is it torture if it’s someone you don’t know well or have never had the opportunity to date? And I’m not talking about being in love with anyone. I agree it would be torture to be in love with someone and have to see them date other people.

 

I could be friends with someone I was previously interested in dating. Interested in dating is into the same thing as in love with. If I knew a relationship wasn’t in the cards, I would be able to start seeing the person as merely my friend and nothing else, and any romantic feelings I had would fade away because it's not like I ever dated the person or had physical contact with them (therefore, I'm not emotionally attached to the point where being their friend is uncomfortable).

 

I guess I don't understand why people can't just decide to be uninterested or channel the emotion into creating a great friendship.

 

 

Because when you're interested in someone and you have to see them date others, friendship is the last thing on your mind. It's one thing to act friendly, but being friends is something that just doesn't happen. If I want female friends, I'll be friends with those I have no romantic interest in.

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Because when you're interested in someone and you have to see them date others, friendship is the last thing on your mind. It's one thing to act friendly, but being friends is something that just doesn't happen. If I want female friends, I'll be friends with those I have no romantic interest in.

 

It seems like you're saying you'd be annoyed (all huffy and pouty) if a girl wanted to date someone else and not you, so you won't be her friend. It seems like an ego thing--you got rejected and you won't get over it (because you choose not to) enough to be her friend.

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Darren Taylor
It seems like you're saying you'd be annoyed (all huffy and pouty) if a girl wanted to date someone else and not you, so you won't be her friend. It seems like an ego thing--you got rejected and you won't get over it (because you choose not to) enough to be her friend.

 

 

Let's say I'm interested in you and the feeling isn't mutual. Why should I be your friend? For me, that's settling. I didn't want friendship from the very beginning and made it perfectly clear. Why should I settle to be your friend when there's others that want to be with me?

 

If someone doesn't feel the same, there's no point in being friends. FriendLY is one thing, but actual friends, no. The only way opposite sex friends works out is if there's no romantic interest on both sides.

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Professor X
It seems like you're saying you'd be annoyed (all huffy and pouty) if a girl wanted to date someone else and not you, so you won't be her friend. It seems like an ego thing--you got rejected and you won't get over it (because you choose not to) enough to be her friend.

 

Call it what you want. But if you didn't find a guy good enough to date him, why should he settle for 2nd place and be your friend?

 

"I could be friends with someone I was previously interested in dating" - previously implies that you are no longer interested in him, which if that's the case your answer is invalid.

But since the guy only recently asked you out, that means he is still interested in you, in which, it will be annoying to hear about how others are basiclly better than him.

You might be happy being 2nd place, other won't.

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I see what you all are saying. I guess I'm just different. I think you've possibly missed the opportunity to have some great friends.

 

I’m starting to think I’m less ruled by emotions than other people (not sure if this is a good thing). I can quickly turn off any romantic feelings if I need to. If I met a guy I was interested in, but the feeling wasn’t mutual, and we had similar interests—so hanging out would mean I was doing something I enjoyed with a person I enjoyed being around—I’d flip the switch immediately (and would seriously feel no physical attraction any longer) in order to not lose the opportunity to have a cool friend.

 

I would have no problem with him dating anyone because I would no longer feel anything (again, it's not like we ever dated anyway).

 

It wouldn't be 2nd place at all. We would be friends, which is just different.

Edited by iris219
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I think both views you guys are going back and forth with are valid, but it's going to depend on the people and situation.

 

I'm going to use my life as an example. So, Group Guy asked me out, and I essentially told him can't go for it due to being in a thing with Few Dates Guy and wanting to see where that goes (the absolute truth). It'd be weird for Group Guy and I to just hang out (sans normally scheduled Group activities) right now because it JUST happened, but I think he and I will eventually be friends, as he's said he wants and I'd like, because we're both attractive, easily find dates, and it's not like he had this huge build-up thing for me, just a little crush. I fully expect once he finds someone who holds his interest (which he seems to have not-so-much trouble dating, so shouldn't be long), all weirdness will be gone. I actually ran into the Group when I was with Few Dates Guy, and Group Guy was totally cool about it. But Group Guy and I don't have an imbalance in terms of dating luck. This was just a timing thing.

 

What often happens is the rejected party is someone who has bad dating luck (and/or bad dating skill) and is frequently rejected and finds dating frustrating, so they take the rejection more personally. I wouldn't care if someone wasn't interested, because I find dating not so difficult, particularly early stages, and I know many people ARE interested. But I can understand how people who are frequently rejected and often hear, "No, but I'd like to be friends" would take it badly.

 

That said, I have become friends with people who weren't interested in dating me, but it is not common, and I can see why it wouldn't be. Unless both people approach from the same level, it adds some drama that seems unneccesary in a friendship, but, again, it comes down to the surplus available. I have plenty of friends. Anyone with whom there's any kind of tension is going to go pretty low on the tier, and this is starting a friendship off with tension. So, basically, I could be more friendly than friends with them as well. I suppose if one was starved for friends, they'd be more apt to be into that.

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I see what you all are saying. I guess I'm just different. I think you've possibly missed the opportunity to have some great friends.

 

I’m starting to think I’m less ruled by emotions than other people (not sure if this is a good thing). I can quickly turn off any romantic feelings if I need to. If I met a guy I was interested in, but the feeling wasn’t mutual, and we had similar interests—so hanging out would mean I was doing something I enjoyed with a person I enjoyed being around—I’d flip the switch immediately (and would seriously feel no physical attraction any longer) in order to not lose the opportunity to have a cool friend.

 

I would have no problem with him dating anyone because I would no longer feel anything (again, it's not like we ever dated anyway).

 

It wouldn't be 2nd place at all. We would be friends, which is just different.

 

Maybe you can flip a switch and turn it off, most cant.

 

Most guys cannot deal with this and that includes myself. I asked a woman out recently and got the friends speech from her and she really wants to be friends.

 

Its proving to be more challenging than I thought. She wants emotional intimacy from me.

 

That being said, whats in it for me to be your surrogate boyfriend that you share stuff with?

 

You wont date me, wont sleep with me but I get the consolation prize of being your friend. Whoopee, I am thrilled. Do you think I want to hear about some guy you want get with? I doubt it.

 

I get to listen to how you are feeling and everything else just like I was your boyfriend without being your boyfriend.

 

Many of my friends have told me not to talk to her anymore. Its all upside for her and no upside for me.

 

Oh yeah, I have another female friend that loves talking to me...

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Its proving to be more challenging than I thought. She wants emotional intimacy from me.

 

That being said, whats in it for me to be your surrogate boyfriend that you share stuff with?

 

See, this is a bit odd, especially for new friendships. I mean, I have male friends who listen to me vent sometimes (just as my female friends do), but they're GOOD friends, people I know well and have built rapport and trust with over a reasonable period of time. And my venting is mostly about work and stuff, occasionally I'll talk about a dating experience, but I don't like cry on people's shoulders very often. (A few best friends or my Momma would be all for that, and only one of my very best friends is a straight male and he was my high school sweetheart's brother, so he would've been my brother-in-law had my HS sweetheart not passed away.) Expecting immediate emotional intimacy from someone seems very odd to me, and totally unfair, especially if that person was romantically interested in you at any point.

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I can’t understand why a guy would say, “If we can’t date, we can’t be friends.” This makes me feel like they only see value in me sexually.

 

Yep, this hits the nail on the head. You'd expect that if someone is your friend, they'd still value you as a friend even if you said it could never be any more than that.

 

I had a guy friend for three years, and he was my best friend. I was living with a long term bf at the time, so my friend knew there was no potential for dating. When my bf and I split up unexpectedly, suddenly my friend wanted to be my new bf, and he didn't want to be my friend any more after I said I didn't see him in that way. I don't understand it at all - he was happy to be friends with me for years while I was in a relationship and there was no chance of us dating, but he didn't want to continue being friends when I was single and there was still no chance of us dating! What if I'd married my bf instead of splitting up with him - would my friend have ditched me then too? Was he really hanging around for three years on the offchance that my relationship might eventually end?

 

The way it happened was really bad too - we'd been friends for three years, and on the same day I split up with my bf, my friend was suddenly like "I want to be your new bf, otherwise I never want to see you again". I found it extremely hurtful - it made me feel like I wasn't valued as a friend, like my guy friend was only hanging around waiting to see if I'd eventually split up with my bf, and he wasn't my real friend at all. So I lost my bf and my best friend all in the same day :(

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Yep, this hits the nail on the head. You'd expect that if someone is your friend, they'd still value you as a friend even if you said it could never be any more than that.

 

I had a guy friend for three years, and he was my best friend. I was living with a long term bf at the time, so my friend knew there was no potential for dating. When my bf and I split up unexpectedly, suddenly my friend wanted to be my new bf, and he didn't want to be my friend any more after I said I didn't see him in that way. I don't understand it at all - he was happy to be friends with me for years while I was in a relationship and there was no chance of us dating, but he didn't want to continue being friends when I was single and there was still no chance of us dating! What if I'd married my bf instead of splitting up with him - would my friend have ditched me then too? Was he really hanging around for three years on the offchance that my relationship might eventually end?

 

The way it happened was really bad too - we'd been friends for three years, and on the same day I split up with my bf, my friend was suddenly like "I want to be your new bf, otherwise I never want to see you again". I found it extremely hurtful - it made me feel like I wasn't valued as a friend, like my guy friend was only hanging around waiting to see if I'd eventually split up with my bf, and he wasn't my real friend at all. So I lost my bf and my best friend all in the same day :(

 

I think you fundamentally dont understand how guys think. You said you dont see him that way, well guys do think this way.

 

Any guy who says he wont date his female friends that he is attracted to a liar. Plain and simple. All guys would like to date and sleep with them.

 

For a guy the jump between female friend to girlfriend is pretty much non-existent. She is already confiding you, is comfortable with you and talks to you. Whats left? Having sex and behaving like a couple.

 

As to why he doesnt want to be friends with you any longer - he opened up his vulnerability to you and you said no thanks. Thats a nice ding to his ego. He is done now.

 

In all likelihood he has been biding his time waiting for you to break up with your boyfriend because he has always liked you but didnt verbalize it.

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…but who doesn’t want to date you?

 

 

 

I can understand not wanting to friends with an ex (though I wouldn’t mind if he wasn't a jerk), but why would you not want to be friends with a woman who you’ve never dated? This makes no sense to me, especially when you’re over the age of 19. My friends are so important to me at this point in my life, so I can’t understand why a guy would say, “If we can’t date, we can’t be friends.” This makes me feel like they only see value in me sexually.

 

I just don’t get it. Are they doing this out of spite? (As in “Ha, Ha, if I can’t sleep with you, you can’t hang out with me.”) If a guy does this, I know I made the correct decision in not wanting to date him.

 

I never understood this sentiment. By this logic, your boyfriend is only interested in sex, because he'd probably break up with you if you told him you would never be intimate with him again. These guys want to hang out with you is because they are seeking a romantic relationship with you. If you're not interested, they should invest their time trying to meet other people who are interested in having a romantic relationship with them, not hanging out with you hoping the you might one day introduce them to one of your friends.

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See, this is a bit odd, especially for new friendships. I mean, I have male friends who listen to me vent sometimes (just as my female friends do), but they're GOOD friends, people I know well and have built rapport and trust with over a reasonable period of time. And my venting is mostly about work and stuff, occasionally I'll talk about a dating experience, but I don't like cry on people's shoulders very often. (A few best friends or my Momma would be all for that, and only one of my very best friends is a straight male and he was my high school sweetheart's brother, so he would've been my brother-in-law had my HS sweetheart not passed away.) Expecting immediate emotional intimacy from someone seems very odd to me, and totally unfair, especially if that person was romantically interested in you at any point.

 

The problem I am facing is I thought it was going to be light, loose and very casual. I am fine with that.

 

But what she wants is emotional intimacy. She has told me all kinds of stuff already - that we really click, that she can talk to me, that she is close to me + more.

 

So lets say for the sake of argument I roll with this. Now I am emotionally involved with a woman who wont date with me nor sleep with me.

 

Where does this leave me?

 

Oh gee, I get to hear about the men she is banging that treat her like crap.

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yes I would definetly refuse to be friends, and it has happened several times with me. be friends? why?

 

and don't divert this into sex, it's not just about sex, you find a girl attractive or you like a girl, you want to kiss her, go dancing with her, hold hands with her :p etc... we can't just be friends, sit accross a table from a girl we like talking about everyday stuff, pretend there is nothign there :p I don't even know how women can ever do that

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Been there, done that.

 

Dated a girl for a bit, she told me that things were progressing with another guy, but we can be friends. Told her "no", I think it will just lead to unnecessary drama.

 

Kinda sucks because she was a very impressive woman (values wise), but I've also lived long enough to know it only leads to drama.

 

RF

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welikeincrowds

In my opinion, it's just as hard finding good friends as it is finding good partners. Certain stars have to align to transition from failed dating partner to good friend.

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Generally no.

Once a chick friendzones you she thinks you want her & turns into a major attention whore.

 

I've yet to meet a woman I showed romantic interest in ask to just be friends & NOT call me every day to bitch about her problems. WTF?!?

 

What guy wants to listen to that crap from a woman he barely knows?

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