Married to a Workaholic --Possible Divorce

[Callisto484]

Hi there, everyone! I'm new to the forum and I registered because I could really use some support.

 

I am married to a workaholic. For as long as I can remember, he has claimed that what he has is a "strong work ethic." Now six years in and huge emotional distance, he recently sat me down and told me that he was not happy in the marriage and didn't know if he wanted to stay married.

 

When I asked him why he wanted to part, he said that when we met he was very clear about wanting a self-fulfilled woman. To have her own thing going on and not lean on him. I am currently a returning student and am trying to get my college degree. He knew this when he met me, that I wanted to go back to school and do a major career change. So I have been going to school full-time and until recently worked a part-time job.

 

He then started to complain about my "diagnosed" major depression and how I have changed since he met me and how my depression has affected my drive and our sex life.

 

All this and yet, he just brushes off the whole issue of his being a workaholic and not really being "in" the relationship because he loves his job more than he loves me or this marriage. No, there isn't another woman. How do I know? Cause he doesn't hide any of his stuff like a paranoid cheating husband would and besides, having another woman would take time away from him trying to "save the world."

 

This only happened recently so I am still going between numbness, despair, anger and depression. I don't know what to do and I am furious that he claims to be a supportive husband but wants to leave because of my issues. I'm confused. Do I stay or do I go? I think he's being unfair and selfish..Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!

[Yasuandio]

the marriage vows state, "in sickness and in health..."

 

His reasoning is BS. His faiure to meet your human needs of contact and companionship are at a huge defiect (which may have contributed to your depression).

 

His story is too pat. He's got something else in mind. Every spouse denies another person in the mix. And the may or may not be. Fact remains he made it clear he no longer wishes a mongomous marital relationship with you, period. I am so sorry to put this so bluntly. There is a reason however.

 

You must get him out immediately. Very simple. Say "If you no longer want to be married, get out of the marital home now."

 

If you do not think he will cooperate, file for divorce first, and your attorney will demand that he leaves.

 

I know this sounds dramatic. Didn't what he said sound dramatic? Are u going to sit on your larrels until he serves you?

 

Bear in mind, divorce filings are just paperwork. But to file first gives you a slight upper hand in scheduling type matters. But the main reason to do something like this is to demonstrate to him that you may be depressed, but you are no fool.

 

Say nothing else to him. -- go 180, NC. Get him sererved and out of there ASAP. If you have the courage to follow through, it will be you that holds the cards. You are simply agreeing, no better time to get the ball rolling than now. "I only want you to be happy, therefore I got a headstart on the legal paperwork, since you're so busy at work.". "Would you like me to help you pack?"

 

None of it makes logical sense to you because he is gaslighting you. How can you feel close to someone that's "not in" the relationship? Believe your gut instincts. Dont buy into anything he says. DO NOT GET FURIOUS! Show no emotion at all. Just say, oh, yes, yes, I agree. (then think about how insane the things are he's asking you to agree to). This is how you get control.

 

Just because you get him out doesn't mean you can't let him back at some time.

 

Hope this helps! Yas

 

 

PS. I just looked at your photo. You are an extremely exotic and beautiful woman! This man is just yanking you around to mess up your self-esteme and confidence. He is two-timing you for sure -- if he has such bravodo to speak in such a manner to you. If you take my advice he will be on his knees. My dear, he is not working during those extended hours.

Edited April 24, 2011 by Yasuandio

[just_some_guy]

Would the two of you consider going to a marriage counselor? That would be the next logical step. Perhaps there is a way to work this out.

 

Since you have been diagnosed with major depression, are you being treated in a comprehensive way, medication and individual counseling?

 

Depression or other mental illness can be extremely difficult in marriage. His work-a-holic habits are probably a means of avoidance. But a combination of individual and couples therapy might open the doors to save things.

 

Good luck to you both.

[Goldenspoon]

He is cheating or at least has someone in mind or having a crush or plan to persue someone.

[Brokenhearttornapart]

I agree with the marriage counseling post. I know how you feel having a husband who was in love with his work. It's tough and you see them slipping further and further away from you and when you do talk to them you are a hassle to them. If he is not willing to pursue marriage counseling with you then he doesn't find your marriage worth it. I know that sounds harsh, but it's true.

 

I don't think there is another woman. I think his priorities are mixed and that he should be helping you with your depression and not causing more problems by neglecting your marriage. Having high career goals and stuff is understandable, and even admirable to most, but when you mix neglect-avoidance at all costs in the mix, it's pretty awful for a marriage. He's treating you like you don't suffer from depression and that you need like a hobby or something (which is wrong). Does he not realize that treating you this way isn't helping your depression? SMH... you deserve SO much better.