waffles Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 Quick background: I'm an 18 year old college freshman, never kissed a girl, never been in a serious relationship. I used to be extremely shy, but recently I've come out of my shell a lot more, and I'm sort of playing catch up now when it comes to romance, due to my lack of experience. I made friends with one girl earlier this year, and recently I asked her to a movie, to which she said yes. We had a pretty good time, and she came back to my room afterwards, but nothing happened. It went well, I still see her fairly recently, but lately I've been really reticent to move forward with it. My friends all think I should go for it, and encourage me a lot. She is very sweet, and I'm almost positive she's into me. But I still don't know what to do. The reasons are numerous, and complicated. Probably the biggest factor is we haven't really hit it off great. I mean, we're friendly, we have classes and musical taste in common, and we have no problem with conversation, but we have two very different personalities. Plus, frankly, I'm not that attracted to her. Not being the most attractive guy myself, it's hard to discriminate like that and not feel like a pig or a snob (and maybe I am.) But it is a factor. Equally important is my lack of experience here. The farthest I've ever been with a girl is a second date. I don't know how to make a move, physically. Having my friends backing me up should be helping me, but really it just makes me feel more pressure. Also in the mix is the fact I have a thing for another girl, who I'm still good friends with. I know she has no interest in me, and so I haven't pursued it, but I still think about her a lot. Isn't that how I should feel about this girl? Shouldn't I be looking for a girl based on the affection I feel for them, and not force myself to make a move just because I want a girlfriend? Wouldn't that be unfair to her? On the other hand, maybe something good will come of it. Maybe she'll grow on me. And if we did have a relationship, it would be a huge boost to my confidence, and alleviate a lot of the insecurity I feel about my lack of experience, and being the youngest person in this school. I'f have more respect from my group of my friends, who I think are pushing me because I'm the only single one out of all of them. I know I'm making a mountain out of a molehill here. But having an idea of what to do would really be a load off. Any suggestions appreciated! Link to post Share on other sites
lostandblurred Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 Hey, man. First off, I think you're my clone. Or I'm your clone, one of the two. Because reading this over, your situation, age -- even the way you write -- reminds me so much of myself that it's not even funny. I'm another shy-guy-evolving-out-of-self-contained-universe, like you. I think also your insecurity rings true with my own. So, I think we're kindred spirits. Or maybe I'm just an ego-maniac who relates everything back to himself. In any case, I guess since I'm the same kind of guy as you, I can't give you real good advice -- I'd be stuck, too. My thought, here, though, is this (and take this with a grain of salt; I'm young and romantic): you're right about the way you should feel towards a girl. I don't think you're going to be happy if you try and make her your girlfriend on the sole basis that you feel obligated to have one. I think you're also right that this wouldn't be fair to her, it could develop into a relationship where she is more more emotionally invested than you, and that's a metaphorical time bomb. I'm sorry about your friend who you feel for but isn't interested. Trust me, I can empthaize there, and there isn't a whole lot you can do but listen to sad angry music and furrow your brow. If you think the first girl might grow on you, let her. As a friend, do things, and if you find yourself more attracted to her, you can escalate the relationship. But I think rushing into a relationship on a prayer that she might become more desirable as time passes is a big risk that you could get yourself a girlfriend that, frankly, you aren't really into. I'm not one to talk here, really, because I do about the opposite of this, but here's my inexperienced advice: keep looking, keep feeling, and follow with your heart and mind. If she grows on you, let it develop. Otherwise, I think you'd do best to look elsewhere. Just keep an open mind, I think. Sorry for the vague tips, but that's just my say. A warning, though: Please don't take my advice to heart too much. I am not an expert in the field by any means, and you should definitely get second opinions and also follow your own heart before you follow my own thoughts. Also, this post may contain peanuts or peanut residue. Anyhow, best of luck, man, update the thread if anything new pops up. Hope I was of some assistance in some small, foggy sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 Waffles, I think that you should call the thing off with this girl. If you aren't all that attracted to her, then don't kid yourself. You will end up stringing her along (how awful), and trying to ignite a flame that should already be lit in the first place. The reason you are caught up on the other girl is because you don't "have it" for this new girl. If you continue on with her, you will be settling and setting yourself up for gloom and doom. Your lack of experience will be dealt with in time...you are young, and good things will come with time. Hang in there! Link to post Share on other sites
waffles Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 lostandblurred, Just from your userpic I know we're thinking along the same lines. Thanks for your advice. Honestly, that's the way I was leaning, but I'm feeling a lot of pressure going the other way. It's good to have someone backing me up, if only anonymously. Good luck in your future experiences! --waffles Link to post Share on other sites
waffles Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 By the way, I'm also a west coast student who has taken acting and music classes. Bizarre, huh? Link to post Share on other sites
lostandblurred Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 If you say you're listening to Pink Floyd right now, this would become downright weird. And yeah, Charlie Kaufman's our kind of guy. His type of self-effacing mental monologue is not only hilarious, but incredibly sincere. "Adaptation" is second in my book only to "Memento". Link to post Share on other sites
TazmaGurl Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 "If you say you're listening to Pink Floyd right now, this would become downright weird." Eep! Okay, I'm always listening to Pink Floyd, so its not as weird for me Tazmagurl Link to post Share on other sites
Tkay Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 Hi waffles & lostandblurred, my 2 soulmates :-p I was in the exact same situation a while ago (yes, also in age etc.) There was this girl.. not very good looking.. that was kind of "after me". At first it was just someone I knew, but I was at this party, the group with whom I was there was kind of not in the mood, and suddenly I saw her and started dancing with her. How the hell could I know she was into more. I actually played along for a while (there's a topic about it somewhere here too) and I even tought about kissing her, just to get experience and stuff. I probably would have done it if she would be more attractive. But afterwards, I'm feeling bad for even thinking that, since I know how it is to be kept on the line. So, to round it up. Just stay friends, but don't flirt or anything. Wait untill the right girl comes along, like I am. Link to post Share on other sites
waffles Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 I took y'all advice. But after I did, I realized I was back to square one in my girlfriend search. It's kind of a depressing thought. Man...us waffles clones got to watch out for each other. Sometimes our lives suck. And Floyd rocks. Link to post Share on other sites
lostandblurred Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 I know it can be disheartening to know that you've receded in your steps towards finding love, but I think that you've done the thing that's best for everyone involved in the long run. The phrase "there's plenty of fish in the sea" is grossly overused and can be bitingly bitter when you're in love with a girl who you can't have. In your situation, though, where you're just crying out for someone, it can be comforting. All in all, you won't run out of possibilities. Keep looking, in classes or wherever. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Tkay Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 quick tip don't look for love. let it find you I've just realized I don't actually need a girlfriend at the moment... I'm too young to have a serious girlfriend. Ofcourse, if someone comes along, I won't say no or anything. Link to post Share on other sites
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