Is this marriage savable?

[Le Corb]

My wife and I have been living together for 8 years, married for 4. Six weeks ago, on a Saturday morning, she said that she was going for a walk, and never came back.

 

She only left a letter on the table, saying that the marriage is over, it is beyond counseling and reconciliation. The two reasons being

1. She does not want to be married anymore, just wants to be alone...

2. I was being too anxious during our 10 months renovation.

 

It came out of the blue all the sudden she just turned into a different person, the day before we were seeing friends, and having dinner together in town celebrating the completion of our renovation at home, we were planning to have a party, many friends were invited, the renovation finished on Friday and she left the next day, the house is still a mess. She said in the letter that she has been planning this for months, and faked the relationship since the start of the year, she has been moving her cloth out slowly bits by bits, none of our friends and families (even her family) noticed anything, she did not tell me or anyone, she said that if she did I would not let her go, and I would suggest counseling.

 

I just do not know what I did wrong, what have I done would hurt her this much? She has been extremely cold and cruel, the day before she was loving and caring, ever since she walked off, she just turned into a completely different person. I was in hospital in a week being treated for shock, she did not call or visit, only sent me a text message asking me to change the phone bill to my name so she does not need to pay for the phone service at our house, since she no longer lives there. She moved to her brother and sister's house, I tried to visit and talk to her in person, but they called the police on me (there was no violence, just me asking to speak to my wife in person).

 

Now she only calls me (when she feels like it), only to discuss about the property settlement and the financial side of things in regard to divorce. I tried to talk to her about the relationship and the possibility of reconciliation, but she said she has made up her mind, its too late, this is her final decision.

 

There was not much bitterness beforehand, it was a very stressful renovation, we had problem with asbestos (popcorn ceilings), as a result we had to move out of the bedroom and sleep in the lounge room for a few months, until the professional company removed the materials. I was very cautious to protect her from the danger, somehow she thought it was all unnecessary and controlling, since I did ask her not to go to that end of the house until the asbestos is properly removed, she just didn't listen to me. After the removal we hired people to renovate everything, now it is all finished and fittings are brand new. We had some arguments like all couples do during the renovation, and said hurtful things to each other, but nothing would make me think that the marriage was going to end. She did not need to do anything during the renovation period, I made all the phone calls and supervised all the works, we went out for dinner every night in the last 2 months, so she did not need to cook at home at all, I tried to make it as less stressful for her as possible. Maybe she thought I was too focused on the renovation, and did not pay attention to her? and didn't make her feel like she was loved?

 

I still do not understand, I was anxious about the asbestos problem, made many inquires to professionals, to make sure that everything is done properly, considering we were talking about having children, we even decided the names for a boy and a girl... No one would leave a eight years relationship over anxiety?! Most of all she did not even say anything about it, if the problem bothered her that much? she has never sat down with me and discuss about any of her concerns.

 

Somehow she thinks that she lost her liberty and freedom in the marriage, I have never stopped her from seeing her friends, we often visited her family at least once a month.

 

She said that she wants to live on her own, no longer willing to be in a marriage anymore. It does not make much sense, she said she is not having an affair, there is no third party involved and she does not want to re-partner or remarry in the foreseeable future.

 

I still do not know what happened, I trusted her 100%, even transfered the house to her name when we got married. I am not an alcoholic, drug addict or gambler, I don't smoke. I have never cheated on her, I did all the cleaning at home, swiped the driveway, (she did washing and cooking), we went out for dinner at least twice a week, I bought her new designer cloth every month.

 

Now she wants a quick settlement of 30-40%, although I paid for most of the things, now she is being extremely cruel and rude, asking my family to pay her out straight away if I do not want to sell the house quickly, even though I paid for the house in full as well as the renovation.

 

Ever since she left she just turned into a completely different person, coldblooded, cruel, blaming everything on me and her whole family is doing exactly the same. Now when I think back, in the last a couple of months from time to time she would just come back home angry after work, and pick a fight on me for no reason; sex was cold, she had no passion in the end, sometimes she would just say she does not feel like it or it is too painful it hurts. I still cannot believe that she faked the relationship for 3 months, waited until the renovation was finished. Whenever our friends try to call her, she would just hang up on them. She has only phoned me 6 times and sent me a few text messages, all in regard to the property settlement and money. She told me that she made her decision knowing that she would lose most of her friends from the past 8 years, and it would set her back many years, but she still accepted the price that she had to pay.

 

She said she does not love me anymore, she just fell out of love because of my anxiety... it is all too late, it is beyond counseling.

 

I still love her very much and I still have feelings for her, I cannot believe what happened, she just left all the sudden, even her own family was shocked initially, now they are ganging up against me, my wife is saying that it is all my fault, my anxiety drove her to the edge?!

 

Is this marriage savable? Many of the things just do not make sense.

 

It has been 1 and half months now... I am out of the hospital, and on many medications to survive and to sleep. I just cannot bare to live here anymore, we bought everything together in this house, even the teaspoons, I cannot even have a cup of coffee without thinking of her. I wish she could come back.

Edited April 24, 2011 by Le Corb

[cleansingtides]

Wow. Let me start by saying sorry. No man should ever have to go through something like this. I myself had a relationship end similarly to this, but it was nowhere close to as serious as this. We were in a relationship and one day she just said she didn't want to go any further because she feared the pain that would come when the relationship eventually ended. So she ended it there. Women never really do make sense.

 

I'm like you. I'm always concerned with the girl I'm with. I apologize for my mistakes. My one wish is for her to be happy. In fact I'm embarrassed to say this but I've never broken up a relationship. Often even if I see problems I never end it.

 

Back to you. You've treated this woman from what you've described as I believe any sane woman would be happy to have been treated. You loved her. You cared for her. She meant the world to you.

 

Something's very wrong here though. This is the only thing that ever gives me solace when this happens. Could you ever love someone who would do this to you? What she did was absolutely horrible, cruel, cold-hearted, soulless. When you love a girl she becomes perfect in your mind. Flaws are erased. But come on. There's something insane about this girl. She would be psychotic to do this to you.

 

The road ahead is not an easy one. But unless she, on her own accord, comes back to you apologizing wholeheartedly there's nothing you can do. And you know that's not happening. The problem here is her, not you. You did all you could. Now all you can do is try your best to forget, whether that means moving away is up to you. Don't give up on life. I know it may seem that at times there is absolutely no hope. But there is. She may have seemed perfect for you, but it has become obvious she was not. No good person would do something like that. She crushed your heart in her hands. There is someone better. Be patient. I'm not expecting this message to cure you instantaneously. Just know that there is light at the end of this tunnel. YOU CAN AND WILL ENDURE!!!

[Le Corb]

Thanks for the reply, I really appreciate it.

 

I just do not understand why, and what have I done? How could anyone do this to someone after 8 years? Life was perfect, we were talking about having kids. We have a beautiful 5 bedroom house in a good area, now it is all brand new and renovated. We have no mortgage, no credit card debt or anything. We could buy any clothes and shoes she wanted. My family treated her as their own blood. She is 1 and half years younger than me, we have been living together since the start, we were never apart...

 

Things just do not add up.

 

The only thing I can think of is she had some problems with the boss at her old work, they had some arguments, she quit around the end of the year. She started a new job in Nov. last year, and she got a permanent position just weeks before this happened. All these changes overlapped with the renovation. She did not discuss any of the problems she had at work in details with me, I only found out through our friends afterwards. For some reasons she did not tell me about the troubles and stress that she was going through, now she is calling me an unsupportive husband.

 

How could she just turn into someone completely different all the sudden? It seems like she does not care if I am alive or dead. Saying all these hurtful things and telling me how happy she is now, the problem is me, I am the reason why she left, she is just glad that she is not with me anymore... She talks and acts like nothing bad happened (I heard from the post office staff, we have a joint po box together for 7 years).

 

I would like to save the marriage if possible, I love her unconditionally. This is just soul murdering... I just cannot see a life without her, I don't know how I can move on, I don't want to die I just do not know how to live.

Edited April 24, 2011 by Le Corb

[Yasuandio]

What is the basic history of those house? What year was it built? How did you come to acquire it? What condition was it in? Do you know anything about previous owners?

 

Who was the most "gun ho" about buying a reno? When you reflect back on it, was your wife an active participant thru out the reno? Did some occur when aesbesos was discoovered?

 

Did both old you discuss these future chilren?

[robf1971]

Many of the things just do not make sense.

 

.

 

On the contrary. Look at years worth of stories on here, they are all remarkably similar. All seems Hunky Dory one day, then next day "it's over" or "I love you but I'm not in love with you" followed by them blaming you. It's almost like a script, in fact MWD on divorcebusting even has a name for it "Walk away spouse" syndrome. And guess what it's often the woman who does the walking.

 

Is it saveable?, I'm going to have to say yes to that. My wife was in her words "done, and beyond counselling" 8 months ago. Today we are reconciled the "feelings" that she no longer had have come back. Although we shared the blame for the near demise of our marriage. It's the actions I took that got her to the point of giving us another try.

 

I was lucky and was in the minority of cases where there was no adultery. I only know this because I put 007 to shame in order to find this out. Before you take any course of action you need to find out if there is another man involved. I suggest checking cell phone records for any unusual numbers or texts, putting a keylogger on her computer. Also had she changed her behaviour in recent weeks, eg jelously guarding her cell phone, dressing nicer, new perfume etc?

[Le Corb]

Yes we both discussed about having kids, and we agreed, both of our family knew as well. The house was built in the early 70s, we don't know anything about the previous owner, as soon as we found out about the asbestos, we were quite concerned, and discussed what would be the best option to take, so we decided to sleep in the lounge room for the time being until the professional companies come. My wife was not an active participant during the renovation, I took care pretty much everything.

 

How can I save this marriage? The way she did it was quite premeditated. My wife and her family are saying there is no third party involved, she just no longer wishes to be with me. I did not notice any changes in her behavior before this happened, I cannot check her cell phone record, since she is on prepay. I don't remember her dressing nicer, everything was normal. no perfume she never did anyway. If there is adultery, it must be someone at her new work, where they do not need to communicate with phone or computer.

 

She told me that I am the reason why she left, and she just wants to be single for a while. I do not understand, if there was something wrong in the relationship, or anything she felt uncomfortable with, she could have discussed her concerns with me.

 

What can I do to win her back? She said she has already made up her mind. After 8 years I did not even have a chance to say goodbye...

Edited April 24, 2011 by Le Corb

[floridapad]

I'm sorry to hear about the situation. It does suck! I'm going to say something that you may not want to hear but it needs to be said. I came here two years ago with a similar problem. At the end of the day listening to people and trying to figure it all out they told me (and I later found out) that my now ex was having an affair. People don't tun so quickly unless they "feel" they have something else. I'm not saying she is having an affair but it is quite possible.

 

Having said that, we all want the question answered "why". Is it you? what did you do that was so bad, you might be asking. Well, if she is not wanting to talk deeply about it or go to a counselor, chances are she wants to run to some thing else because she is ,weak. So the question I have for you is...Do you want someone that runs that quickly when tough times hit (the remodeling)? What happens in the future when tough times hot again? Will she run?

 

Good luck with everything. Its a long battle only if you want it to be..

[Le Corb]

I do love this person, even after what she has done. I have asked myself that question a million times, I don't know why I still have feelings for her, whatever the reason may be, she left, I feel guilty of not being able to save the relationship, although there were no warning signs or discussion from her, I am still filled with regrets. She is the person I truly love, otherwise I would not have married her, and spent 8 years with her.

 

Her main reason of leaving is she does not want to be in a relationship anymore, herself and her family deny that she is having an affair, I don't understand, it does not make any sense, how could she just leave like this, I would like to reconcile.

 

What should I do? Is there any hope in saving the marriage?

[robf1971]

herself and her family deny that she is having an affair,

 

You need to know this for sure.. Only then will you have a chance of saving this relationship. They all deny it..

[Le Corb]

How can I find out for sure? She has cut all contacts, only sends me text messages in regard to the legal side of things. I don't know anyone from her new job.

 

If I found out, how can I save this relationship?

Edited April 25, 2011 by Le Corb

[marqueemoon4]

I'm sorry.. I know how much pain you must be in. One positive thing, if she really has walked away for good, be glad you don't have kids! Also, definitely do what you need to find out if she is with an OM. And whatever you do, don't contact her! I know its hard and I was awful at it and it made things so much worse.

Edited April 25, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[floridapad]

Of course her family is going to deny it. Do you think she would tell her family she is having an affair? My ex denied denied denied. They ALL do. People generally don't walk away so easily and quickly unless there is abuse or another person waiting. Having said that though, I am afraid to say she likely does not love you anymore and the ONLY way to save this is to give her a full does of what she wants. Let her go. Trust me. When there is "someone else" and it is the woman who is having the affair, the chances of her "coming around" are very very very low.

 

Its time to do the 180's for yourself and put distance between the two of you. DO NOT CALL HER. Do not respond immediately to her texts phone calls. give your self some distance.

[2.50 a gallon]

I am totally with floridapad.

 

Snoop. Can you get ahold of your phone records, see what numbers she has been calling or receiving calls from.

 

Floridapad

 

Update, Please

 

Your friend Gallon

[ver13]

IMO you need to do a 180 on her and stop trying to bring her to the table if she doesn't want to eat. All a person can truly be responsible for is themselves and what they are doing or not doing correctlly in their individual lives. If she has someone else and she feels that she is in love with them to the point that she will walkout and not come back, LET HER. I tried everything with my W when she went crazy for a few minutes and all I got out of it was Mega Stress. That was until I did a 180 on her and you know what it turned out for the best for everyone involved. it worked because I wouldn't except anymore crap period and I made it clear that she had to be accountable for her own drama. I also decide to be responsible for my imperfections and I decided to change for me not for her. Now it's your turn to do the right thing for you and stop drinking the crazy koolaid so to speak.

 

"They say the grass is not always greener next door when you get to see it up close" But most people don't find out until they slip in Dog S**t and they land on their butt in a straners yard. it's crazy when you can't get back in your house to clean yourself up.

[nikkihush]

First of all I'm sorry. But listen up here and listen good.....

 

You need to move out of the house that holds the memories. You will hold resentment over that space. I don't care how you let it go, if you can sell it, or if it ends up being a horrible business move then just get out, happiness is not worth money, GET OUT.

 

Second, you need to grieve. Just like the loss of a loved one. She was a loved one and she is gone. And you have no control over it. You also need to stop blaming yourself. For your own sanity, distance yourself from the situation. Remember, sometimes people are cowardly. They say they have a reason for doing something or try and blame you when the real reason is they merely CHANGED THEIR MIND. Unfortunately we all have the right to do that in relationships. STOP FOCUSING on why. You may never know the truth. There may not be a big surprising reason. She may just have simply "changed her mind." Cold? YES. But entitled to? YES. This is why the whole game of falling in love is risky business. No guarantees unfortunately!

 

Third, the marriage is most definitely NOT SALVAGABLE. BUT - your life and sanity are! You need to go through the initial phases of heartbreak, then anger, to finally get to a place where you can say, "well, I have no choice but to move on..." Allow yourself to be mad, and allow yourself time to grieve, then get over it. Don't dwell over someone that left you no choice. You certainly don't want someone that discards people in her life that easily anyway, do you? You want someone that is there through THICK and THIN. You sound like you have a heart. Please use it to take care of YOU now, not to spend one more minute questioning if you can get back what you had. You simply can't.

[Yasuandio]

Yep, no doubt about, 70's popcorn asbestos. You shouldn't have even been in the house. Why the heck didn't you research this mess before you bought it? Since your wife was not an active participant, was she at least in favor?

 

Were you a bear to live with during the Reno, honestly? If you really dissect the letter she left you, what does it really mean to you? What is she talking about? Reflect on that and tell us. Perhaps it's you that owes her a heartfelt apology rather than a stratagy.

 

I'm just looking at it from another side. Renos can be terribly stressful, costly, and disorienting. There may be some people that cannot handle living up-side-down for an extended period of time. Additionally, I could understand how one would be extremely frigghtened by the asbesttos. It is entirely reasonable to consider that perhaps your wife was tramatized by this entire project. What is your take on that?

[Steadfast]

The new job is a huge red flag. Your wife wouldn't be the first to deny involvement with someone else (don't they all?) and keeping it from her family is even easier than keeping it from you. One thing is for sure, it wasn't 'out of the blue'. Just to you. That was the plan.

 

Obviously she is very resentful. That's a punishment but perhaps again the sudden change in heart might be to justify what she's doing. Where is she living now?

 

You continue to ask if there is anything you can do. The answer is probably not. If she truly just walked off and wants to be alone, her love might return if you're respectful of her wishes. This is very uncommon however. Most people that love someone generally want to be with them. Even if they're troubled.

 

There are no magic words, no fail-safe formula, besides NC. That will incite a change in 99% of people. You can't control her. She knows you love her. Even if you prove she's cheating and lying, you're no closer to bringing her back, but that could change how you feel.

 

Leave her alone and, for your own sake try to dig up what's really happening. It shouldn't be too hard-

[dreamingoftigers]

I am very sorry to hear of your circumstance. She is a very cruel person.

[Le Corb]

I just cannot believe what is happening, everyday is like waking up to a nightmare...

 

I don't know how I can move on with life anymore, I guess I have to sell the house, every time I open the door, I get drowned in the memories from the past.

 

Last time I ask her whether she is having an affair with someone at her new job, she said no, and there is absolutely no third party involved, she just wants to be alone, she also said she can make some stories up if it helps.

 

The house is still a big mess, physically and emotionally. There still is the mess from the renovation to be cleaned up, perhaps she was traumatized by this entire project, what I did was to protect her and our future family, during the whole period she did not care about asbestos much, thinking I was overreacting, I read the letter that she left again, she said what I did was all unnecessary, she felt like she lost the freedom in the relationship, because I told her not to go to that end of the house until the removal job was done properly. If it bothered her that much, why didn't she tell me her concerns? or choose to discuss her feeling with me?

 

She is still at her brother and sisters house, I received a few text message from her last week, she has arranged mediation next month, she wants to discuss about the property and financial settlement face to face with a mediator, she said reconciliation is not going to be discussed.

 

I am doing a 180 with NC, it seems like she has forgotten all the good memories we had, last time I asked her don't you remember all the good time we had, she said 'I don't remember.'

 

I am going to meet her for the first time (perhaps the last time...) since she left at mediation in a few weeks, all she wants now is a quick payout, she even asked my family to pay her out if it is going to take too long to sell the house...

 

How can one be cruel and heartless? What can I do about mediation?

Edited April 26, 2011 by Le Corb

[robf1971]

I just cannot believe what is happening, everyday is like waking up to a nightmare...

 

I don't know how I can move on with life anymore, I guess I have to sell the house, every time I open the door, I get drowned in the memories from the past.

 

Last time I ask her whether she is having an affair with someone at her new job, she said no, and there is absolutely no third party involved, she just wants to be alone, she also said she can make some stories up if it helps.

 

The house is still a big mess, physically and emotionally. There still is the mess from the renovation to be cleaned up, perhaps she was traumatized by this entire project, what I did was to protect her and our future family, during the whole period she did not care about asbestos much, thinking I was overreacting, I read the letter that she left again, she said what I did was all unnecessary, she felt like she lost the freedom in the relationship, because I told her not to go to that end of the house until the removal job was done properly. If it bothered her that much, why didn't she tell me her concerns? or choose to discuss her feeling with me?

 

She is still at her brother and sisters house, I received a few text message from her last week, she has arranged mediation next month, she wants to discuss about the property and financial settlement face to face with a mediator, she said reconciliation is not going to be discussed.

 

I am doing a 180 with NC, it seems like she has forgotten all the good memories we had, last time I asked her don't you remember all the good time we had, she said 'I don't remember.'

 

I am going to meet her for the first time (perhaps the last time...) since she left at mediation in a few weeks, all she wants now is a quick payout, she even asked my family to pay her out if it is going to take too long to sell the house...

 

How can one be cruel and heartless? What can I do about mediation?

 

It's pointless to ask her if she's having an affair, all she will do is deny

 

You need to KNOW whats going on. Cell/mobile phones, keyloggers etc. If you dig enough you will find the info you need. As for no contact, drop her like a bad habit man.

[dreamingoftigers]

This is one of the most conflict-avoidant I have ever read about.

[Le Corb]

Before she left, she was not guarding her mobile phone at all, so if she is cheating it must be someone at her new job.

 

Another thing I can think of is I am her first partner, she never had any serious relationships before me, maybe that explains why she wants to be single.

 

Still does not justify what she did and how she is handling it now.

 

Should I just focus on the legal matters now? and there is just absolutely no hope of reconciliation at all, no matter what I do, 180, NC, LC etc. ?

[dreamingoftigers]

Before she left, she was not guarding her mobile phone at all, so if she is cheating it must be someone at her new job.

 

Another thing I can think of is I am her first partner, she never had any serious relationships before me, maybe that explains why she wants to be single.

 

Still does not justify what she did and how she is handling it now.

 

Should I just focus on the legal matters now? and there is just absolutely no hope of reconciliation at all, no matter what I do, 180, NC, LC etc. ?

 

This would be your only hope of reconciliation. But you do 180 for you and to preserve yourself first. The perk is that it is the best way to get your spouse to return. so you haven't "failed" if she doesn't.

[Le Corb]

An update on the situation,

 

I did my best to find out if there was an affair, checked phone, text records, records on the home computer before she left etc. it does not seem like there is an affair.

 

I met up with her for the first time last week since she left. She called me after the family car that she took broke down, and she sold it for scrap metal for $100. She held my hand and cried, she told me that now she is poor, borrowed money from her brother, also she is saying that I have been verbally abusing her during the years especially during the renovation period with the asbestos problem, I neglected her feelings, and controlled her freedom. She didn't get to travel, didn't do the things that she wanted to do, such as going to see bands etc. we went to classical concerts instead; we spent money on artworks instead of oversea holidays etc.

 

It seems like she has rewritten the history of the relationship somehow, in the past years everyday in the morning before she leaves for work, I would say "be careful on the road", now she sees it as a form of controlling; sometimes she asks me for opinion on what clothe and handbag to wear before we go out, now she considers it as me controlling her appearance; There were also some puzzling and hurtful comments like "I should have left you years ago, then I would have finished my degree, with a full time by now." ; she said she could not go and see her friends, but I have never stopped her from seeing any of her friends in any ways; She has never raised any of her concerns on a level that I would think it is seriously affecting our relationship, only until now she has spoken to me about them openly.

 

Now the reason why she left was because of she felt like she had no freedom and liberty in the relationship, and I verbally abused her. No longer because of my anxiety and her wanting to be alone and single as she stated in the letter.

 

When I think back, she left me as soon as she got a permanent part time job, and she was asking me to buy an expensive property 2 weeks before she left. Last week she asked her lawyer to send me a draft financial settlement asking for a ridiculous amount of money, and said if I don't sell our home, my family will have to pay her out or we are going to court, she is also sending the settlement letter to my parents. Financially she did not contribute anything to the purchase of the house 6 years ago. My lawyer argued that she lived there rent free for 6 years, then she replied "what rent free? the house is under my name!" (I transfered the house to her name when we got married... out of trust...) I spoke to my mother in law yesterday, she said "if I don't pay her daughter out the amount she is asking for, all the good time we had will be over shadowed forever, and I will have to live with regrets for the rest of my life, it will always affect my future relationships."

 

I really do not know what to do... now my physical health is going down hill, I lost my job, I can no longer cope psychologically, now I only have limited saving to live on, my friends are helping me out, it looks like soon I might lose the newly renovated house...

Edited May 8, 2011 by Le Corb

[hydin]

The magically appearing "verbal abuse" sounds like she is seeing a counselor or someone who is feeding her this as an excuse to get out of the relationship. The verbally abusive relationship is the book title. It is a horrid book but gives WS exactly what a need since everyone who speaks in sentences has been "verbally abusive" if the person reading the book "FEELS" they have. Sorry for your pain. Going through a very similar situation. One thing that helps me is to know I have NO control. It is like you are hanging on to the back car of a roller coaster for dear life. Hope for saving the relation ship but act like you do not care and have moved on. If she comes back "she" has to have the idea or you will be blamed again. She is making her actions OK by blaming you. Take your actions away and she is let with her own thoughts. Best of luck. It does get better when you drop the hope of getting back together and realize her actions now are part of her. They won't go away even if she comes back. You will always remember them. Any new relationship is like starting over. You have to really look at the relationship from the outside and decide if you want to volunteer for that again.

 

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