Is this marriage savable?

[Le Corb]

Now I think back, my wife and her family have been awful since she left 8 weeks and 5 days ago.

 

On the day she walked away, I went to her brother and sister's house, hoping to speak to her, they called the police on me, (there was no violence, just me asking to speak to my wife), they pushed me out of the house before contacting the police, and my wife was laughing with her sister inside while I walked away in tears with the police officers.

 

That night I wondered in the forest near home, before calling suicide helpline, and ambulance came I was hospitalized for over 1 week. She didn't even call or visit, only sent me a text message asking me to change the phone bill to my name so she does not need to pay for it anymore.

 

While I was in hospital she started the legal process, arranged for mediation to discuss property settlement, the only concern she has is if I sign any paperworks now, I can come back in the future and challenge it based on my medical condition.

 

Her mother has been telling me that it is all my fault, my anxiety drove her daughter over the edge. She left because I was too anxious and I have no empathy. Another reason was I was too depended on her as a spouse, she had to drive me around a lot of the time, and we always went out together to things we both liked, instead of having more independent time to ourselves.

 

Now after reading Patricia Evans, the official reason changed to verbal abuse, no longer my anxiety. It is still my fault that my family members were hospitalized, and they didn't even ask how they were.

 

The other day my wife sent me 5 text messages in regard to just $200 in a debit credit card account which we only use for Paypal and online shoppings, while asking for a six figures settlement, she also asked me to pay for her car registration after she took the family car which I paid for and it is registered under her name. The car broke down a couple of weeks ago, she sold it for $100 for scrap metal, now she is telling me how poor she is and borrowing money from her brother.

 

I am just glad that I did not commit suicide, otherwise she would have got 100% of the property and finance.

 

They know that I cannot afford to buy her out without selling the house, so she is asking my parents to transfer the amount that she is asking for, she said she deserves a good start in life, and her mother told me that it will be injustice if her daughter does not get the amount she is asking for, it will take away all the good memories we had together.

 

Is this normal when it comes to divorce? Are all divorce cases handled like this? She dumped me as soon as she got a permanent job. I feel guilty, probably I deserve all this, I tried to protect her and our future family from asbestos, it was my fault that I overreacted and I was critical of her over the years, such as when she drove the car into a ditch, or when she was late with her university homework etc. I had to tell her to work on it, I was really worried about her all the time.

Edited May 11, 2011 by Le Corb

[Downtown]

Her mother has been telling me that it is all my fault, my anxiety drove her daughter over the edge.... her mother told me that it will be injustice if her daughter does not get the amount she is asking for.

Like I said earlier, 70% of BPDers report growing up in a dysfunctional family where they were abused or abandoned in childhood. It therefore is very common for the BPDer's family to turn you on you with a vengence during a divorce proceeding. As is often said, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Is this normal when it comes to divorce?

No, what you are describing so far is not normal when a BPDer decides to divorce her H. Typically it is far worse! As I explained above, a BPDer will split you black -- i.e., she will perceive you to be the devil incarnate and will treat your accordingly. My exW, for example, had me thrown into jail for 3 days based on a bogus charge and, while I was waiting the 3 days for arraignment, she secured a restraining order against me -- which allowed her to kick me out of my own home for 18 months (the time it takes to get a divorce here). To prove what a "poor victim" she was to my five step kids, she fabricated claims about my "brutalizing her." Amazingly, all that brutalization supposedly occurred while her sister and our granddaughter were only 20 feet away behind a bedroom door.

 

As your attorney can tell you, divorcing a BPDer is extremely nasty and my experience -- of being thrown into jail -- is very common, as you will learn from the Nons' stories at BPDfamily.com. This sort of black-white thinking is exactly why vindictiveness and meanness are hallmarks of people having strong BPD traits.

I feel guilty, probably I deserve all this, I tried to protect her and our future family from asbestos.

What the hell are you talking about???!! The asbestos removal had nothing to do with your fundamental problem of being married to an unstable woman with the emotional development of a four year old. Granted, the asbestos project forced you two to live in a smaller area of the house and thus likely speeded up the divorce process by increasing the intimacy -- which your W clearly cannot handle without feeling suffocated and controlled. But the outcome -- of her growing increasingly resentful of your inability to make her happy and fix her -- would have occurred anyway. It was inevitable. So stop beating yourself up over your inability to do the impossible.

it was my fault that I overreacted and I was critical of her over the years, such as when she drove the car into a ditch, or when she was late with her university homework etc. I had to tell her to work on it, I was really worried about her all the time.

No, no, no. Those rare times when you were critical and held her accountable for her mistakes were WHAT YOU DID RIGHT. What you did wrong was all the soothing to calm her down; all the excuses you made to cover up her strange abandonment behavior; all the coddling you did that allowed her to continue behaving like a child; and all the suppression of your true personality so she would not be triggered into running into the next room or driving off without you. Simply stated, all the walking on eggshells was what you did wrong.

 

At this point, it is very important for you to quickly learn how to build strong personal boundaries so she does not take you to the cleaners in the divorce. Because BPDers are so immature, they feel strongly -- as a young child does -- that they are entitled to everything you have. Your W therefore likely really believes she is entitled to her outrageous demands.

 

One thing to your advantage is that, although BPDers often try hard to be manipulative, they are not very good at it. Successful manipulation requires good planning and flawless execution -- neither of which BPDers do well because they are so reactive to how they are feeling at any moment in time.

[IfiKnewThen]

honestly she sounds so darn immature

[Le Corb]

Sometimes I do feel like she is a kid, especially when she runs away over such small things like choice of restaurants, and locks me out of the car then drives off over something like I told her to do her university homework, she needs to put more hours into her study, she failed a couple subjects because of poor time management, often she would just listen to music on her computer and play solitaire instead, during her study hours, I often hear her dancing in the study room.

 

Sorry to hear about your story Downtown, I am glad that I was not thrown into jail, that sounds pretty extreme. Now she is saying that the house is hers, since it is her name on the title, I was living there rent free, she only contributed $12,000 from her first home buyers grant from the government (I am from Australia). It was very silly and trusting of me to transfer the house to her name after we got married, now she is using it to against me. And saying that she had no freedom financially, I was the one who managed the budget in the house, we tried to let her control her pays every fortnight, we were going negative every month, she agreed to have me manage the money side of things, she could still buy clothe and things she liked whenever she wants, now she is saying that I was controlling her. Once again she did not tell me that she was unhappy in term of the finance in the household.

 

Somehow, I don't think she thought of the consequences of her actions, it sounds like she thought divorce was simple and quick process, at the beginning she said once you get a lawyer the settlement will be straight forward; she even asked me why did I close our joint bank account down after she disappeared; she thought as soon as she walks out, she would be entitled to 50% of everything we had, now after seeing lawyers she said she is expecting less, but still a big percentage, quite different from what my lawyers are telling me.

 

I still cannot bring myself to fight a legal battle against her. She said she wants a deadline to be put into the settlement, so she can get her quick payout from my family, if it takes too long to sell the house. She told me that she waited until the renovation was finished, so the house can be put on the market or if I want to stay my parents have to sign the cheque.

Edited May 12, 2011 by Le Corb

[robf1971]

I still cannot bring myself to fight a legal battle against her. /QUOTE]

 

Are you serious? She wants to divorce you

[Le Corb]

The amount that she is asking is very different from the percentage that my lawyers are suggesting to give her.

 

Sounds like she wants to buy a new car and go traveling. Her mother said if I don't give her that amount, all our good memories will be over shadowed, it will be injustice and unfair for her daughter, it will always affect my future relationships...

 

I only remember the good times, I found it really hard with the smallest things, like I still have dreams about us going to supermarkets, libraries and galleries etc.

[robf1971]

. Her mother said if I don't give her that amount, all our good memories will be over shadowed, it will be injustice and unfair for her daughter, it will always affect my future relationships...

 

It is none of her mother's business, tell her to butt out.

[IfiKnewThen]

hi again le corb

 

i have never read this patricia evans book , bu the next time i go to barnes and nobles in the states here, i am going to look it up. i see its about how to identify an verbally abusive man. i am actually going through verbal abuse and have been..so i am interested . but you already know when someone "IS" being verbally abusive. its really not rocket science.

 

 

some people are verbally abusive and they are not really aware of it because they think this is typical language (IMO). their parents talk this way so they think this is the norm and they talk this way. at first you think its them "joking" around when someone speaks in a certain way...like example: hey you are budging out of those pants". and hes saying it laughing and smiling. when a woman hears this, she doesn't just see it as honesty. it SOUNDS crude. if she hears this kind of thing once in a great while....maybe fine . (still maybe not, after all it could have been said another way) but if its the language of the law, that it gets old to hear talk like that, and it is indeed offensive.

 

you add this up to a guy not paying attention to what you said, or not relaying messages right...and it becomes downright infuriating. afterall why cant he pay attention to what youre asking or saying or not be offenisive or anal?

 

now i am NOTTTT saying she doesnt have a mental imbalance and acts out and such. most of us woman act out at one point and some guys can be infuriating too, and it can become cumulative to be treated the same way by a particular guy (aka your husband) over and over again when you tell him this is "unacceptable" language and treatment. so people can act out , out of sheer and utter frustration. period. she could have been responding to a repeated behavior pattern with you.

 

she could have these mental issues and just be a biotch and rewrite history, but it could also be your are not seeing history the same way she is experienced it from her vantage point. i dont know which it is. BUT you keep asking about reconciliation and that's what your post centers around.

 

the first step at doing this might be to find out what you are or aren't or have or haven't been contributing to the relationship. i am NOT talking about money. or a house. she obviously doesn't care about the house.

 

i am talking about her complaint: which is the way you talk to her. has it been sarcastic? be honest . only you really know that. and if you dont know that answer.....as i said..read relationship books on how to communicate to a woman to SEE if that's what you do in fact do or dont do right.

 

are you on parity with communicating with her in a way for her to have felt loved, joy, security, comfort, protected, understood? again, i am NOT playing the blame game or pointing fingers here. but if you ever even remotely hoped to get her back, communication is where it all starts and apparently she hates the WAY you communicate to HER.

 

so start with YOU. and look into that. not by way of discussion here , so much, but start reading. and i do feel men are from mars and woman are from venus is a good start. woman HEAR things differently than men say them and think they are communicating in their minds. what they (men ) think and how it comes out verbally may be 2 very different things. the same goes for how a woman communicates to a man. she says it one way out of love and good intention, but he hears his mother reprimanding him. so things need to be delicately said in ways that are appropriate to how you want the receiver to receive it.

 

look, i am the one who said she sounds verbally abusive. and i maintain what i said. she does sound that way. i too was verbally abusive to a man who seriously was verbally abusive to me. i got to react to what i was hearing that was hurting me. oh he had good intentions , etc...... but he was/is sarcastic, and mubbles to himself crude things under his breath, and talks so nonchalant in a ranting nasty downtrodden way having all negative things to say all the time. and his parents are like this too. and they say...oh you shouldn't have taken it personally. bullcrap. it IS personal. he needs to learn how to talk. but this is the way he always talked and "i never complained before.

 

well i got damn sick of it. i am not saying this is you and you guys BUT. you have to step outside of yourself first. stop analyzing her. look at yourselves as effective communicating couple? are you? no. and if she met someone who speaks nicer to her she starts to compare in her head. "why cant he talk to me like this?" once again, i am NOT saying you are the culprit here. i think she she gets inflamed off you and you off her perhaps. she could just be a biotch like i said before. she could be passive aggressive like i said before . she could have what downtown said. its relevant but OUT of your control at the moment. so heres what is in your control. find out who you are. how you speak. how people interpret you. in the end , after really digging deeper and reading and self reflecting, if you find you dont need any self tuning....then be comfortable with who you are and what YOU did or didnt do in the relationship and let her work on you. BUT first read those things i recommend if you will : )/ pray and ask for wisdom too. while reading up. i still thinks its good to start with a relationship communication book like men are from mars, woman are from venus. theres even a part in there i believe where he talks about looking at a woman when she is dressed asking for your opinion. very insightful. look at john grays tapes/videos too. try to find some online or order them if you will. you could be 100% blameless here, then you KNOW she has real issues. i also agree that she doesnt sound like she is for you. i know you love her and all the little adventures you had and you may be even very comfortable with the routine. but this doesnt like like a good thing here. i know you love her, though. she sounds like she has issues but right now...you need to look at you. i know its daughting work and what will it prove? all i can say is..you will be surprised.

 

you may just find out you dont want to love this person anymore and then that you finally dont...... so read.

 

but take the helm and stop blaming and start looking up how most woman like to be treated verbally and romantically. its great to be a great provider and to have a nice beautiful house. but a house is not a home. home is still where the heart is. and if the heart is out of the home, go find out why. but in the interim, learn language that a woman does respond too. it may be too late for you guys... i think it is. but learn. BUT it will help you for the next relationship and for now to at least truly and objectively rule out if you maybe needed better relationship "language".

[Le Corb]

Thanks a lot IfiKnewThen,

 

I started reading "Mens are from Mars, Women are from Venus" today, it has been quite insightful. In the past a few weeks, I stepped out of myself and started asking the person in the mirror that what were my mistakes? You are absolutely right, in the past few months, there was a communication breakdown in the relationship, whole problem with asbestos made me extremely anxious and worried, it overlapped with the problem from my wife's previous job, she was really stressed, we did not listen to each other, the more we complained, we more we upset each other.

 

In "Mens are from Mars, Women are from Venus", it mentioned, women talk about their problems to feel better, they are not looking for solutions, they want to be loved. When she told me about her problems at her previous job, I offered solutions instead of listening and making her feel better, I thought I was helping her, but it did not. When I talked to her about my concerns over the renovation, she offered me solutions instead, and neglected the matters, what I worried about was all considered as irrational to her, so I just stayed in my emotional cave.

 

We had more arguments as a result, also with limited space, we both lost our personal freedom. we said hurtful things to each other, even though we might not mean it, but we both took them to heart.

 

You are right home is where the heart is, she may have her own issues, it is important now that we both stop blaming each other, it will only make things worse.

 

Downtown offered a lot of explanations to some of her strange behaviors.

IfiKnewThen, please let me know if there is anything I can do to save this relationship, I love her very much, I wish I could make it up for her if she felt that she was unloved in the past a few months, I know the chances are slim, but I would really like to try my best, life is too short to lose someone you truly love.

 

I am going to see her at mediation in a month time, I will certainly read more relationship books and learn more.

Edited May 12, 2011 by Le Corb

[IfiKnewThen]

Thanks a lot IfiKnewThen,

 

, there was a communication breakdown in the relationship, whole problem with asbestos made me extremely anxious and worried, it overlapped with the problem from my wife's previous job, she was really stressed, we did not listen to each other, the more we complained, we more we upset each other.

 

In "Mens are from Mars, Women are from Venus", it mentioned, women talk about their problems to feel better, they are not looking for solutions, they want to be loved. When she told me about her problems at her previous job, I offered solutions instead of listening and making her feel better, I thought I was helping her, but it did not. When I talked to her about my concerns over the renovation, she offered me solutions instead, and neglected the matters, what I worried about was all considered as irrational to her, so I just stayed in my emotional cave.

 

We had more arguments as a result, also with limited space, we both lost our personal freedom. we said hurtful things to each other, even though we might not mean it, but we both took them to heart.

 

You are right home is where the heart is, she may have her own issues, it is important now that we both stop blaming each other, it will only make things worse.

 

 

 

BINGO. this is very true. it may not be the entire picture of course. but you are on to something very big here. you SEE what john gray is talking about!! awesome.

 

personally, someday i think you can "TRY" to show her what you learned on this end. people always say..."I changed i changed or i get it now" to their respective ex spouses BUT the spouse either DOESNT BELIEVE IT OR CARE at that point.

 

i think forst you have to make them believe it if you can. first it has to sink into you and your soul. and your new realization has to become a way of life.

 

you cant serve 2 masters (sorta like it says in the bible) and sabatoge the effort of the one master of thought and new discovery.

 

all i am trying to say here is keep going. in the meantime i know she probably isnt learning about herself and what she contributed. you cant teach her now, because in a sense you are not only still a student of learning what you did, but you can only control you and you cant stalk her down or try to convince her in a sense.

 

maybe someday soon (not too soon) let her see what you discovered about you and the situation. what you wrote her does not sound offensive. it sounds VERY insightful. maybe let her see that. that would be my recommendation. but who am i? i am just saying i think in your situation that would be a decent place to start. this area that i quoted from you explains at least the break down in the WAY YOU communicated while under this house stress and her job transition. women do need to be heard and if she wanted to tell you something....i would say (if you wanted her back or loved her to this end) listen to her. dont interrupt and dont talk when its her turn. say i never looked at it that way or i understand. it will help God willing to 'soften' her. she needs to discharge her "feelings". "feelings" however false or accurate are NOT you. it isnt to say you are a chit. or she is a chit. it is saying ..at the moment.....this is how i come to "feel" about things. thoughts create feelings or are a strong component thereof.

 

if we think different thoughts, it creates different feelings. and everyone at one point or another needs to be heard and acknowledged.

 

go on with learning about what you did or didn't do to either contribute or contaminate the relationship through action and communication. this is a great start.

 

it is hard for a man to feel a woman is not happy with him. this is what john gray says is the number one reason, a man will leave a woman himself. a man natually wants to make a woman happy and can get so frustrated to the core when she doesnt 'act' happy. he wants to protect and provide, and please. but very sadly if he doesnt do it in a way, that she translates as that, it has horrible results. if a woman foolishly doesnt show appreciation to her man when he does all he can (but with good communication skills too) she will risk losing a good guy. compatibility is all about communication. how a man communicates to a woman turns her on or not. we are not the same as a man. he is not the same as us. we both (the 2 sexes), want the same thing. to be happy and satisfied. but how that COMES about are different in the way we communicate and listen and respond.

 

at least that is what i have TRUELY come to learn. and it is KEY

 

core should values are the same, even as it relates to commitment. or especially as. but we all have thresholds. some are not the same. so finding out core values before we marry is so important. we all need 'staying power". thats also why they SAY if you worship lets say in the same way, perhaps you can likely be on the same page. its that basic concept. good relationship skills and language is good glue. but no one wants to be stuck in a tug of war where the rope gets thin. and finally snaps. so truly it does take a village of things and thoughts and principles. so many factors. but it start with knowing what you are and arent doing along all those lines.

[Mauschen]

Le Corb,

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this mess. I know how anxiety-producing legal matters are since I am currently dealing with some now. But you need to be strong and deal with them head-on without giving in to what she is asking for. I am not sure about Australia, but where I live, it simply doesn't matter whose name is on the title of the house if you're married. All property is considered marital property.

 

I wish all the best for you. Any woman would be lucky to have a man that loves them as much as you love your wife.

[kneo]

@downtown -thank you very much!!

 

Your description of BPD fits the description of my wife to the T. If only I had known earlier...

 

Le Corb, in my humble opinion I would advise you to get out of this relationship. I have felt that same sense of loss that you feel now during separation thinking that all the problems were my fault, and if only I'd tried harder or not annoyed her in this way or that.

 

A few years down the line and I am regretting that I didnt divorce. What binds me to her is that we have young children together. And though i detest her and want us to be parted, I feel riddled with guilt because the kids will likely go with her and I dont want them growing up under the wing of someone with BPD. I want them to grow with me so that I can spend time with them, teach them, play with them... Introduce them to normal people.

 

YOU don't have children tying you to her so get OUT while you can, otherwise several years down the line you could find yourself in the same position as me: unable to move on because of the kids situation and wondering what life could have been like if only I'd made a firm decision earlier.

 

With regards to the house pls speak to a lawyer and protect it!

 

And as for your mil, if I were you I would tell her to shove her advice where the sun don't shine!

 

I wish you good luck, strength and steadfastness in the days and months ahead.

[Richard Friedman]

I would like to save the marriage if possible, I love her unconditionally. This is just soul murdering... I just cannot see a life without her, I don't know how I can move on, I don't want to die I just do not know how to live.

 

And that's your problem right there. What makes her so special that you can't be happy without her and your self respect goes out the window?

[Le Corb]

You are right Richard, as time goes on I filled the hole in my soul with confidence and self respect. 8 years is a long time, at the start I felt like half of me was missing. Only when we respect ourselves then we can respect other. No one deserves to go through this, because of one person's immature and selfish behavior. It was a communication breakdown both ways, it is childish to play the blaming game.

 

To her and my in laws it is all about money now, otherwise they would not be talking to me. I am a human being too with feelings, so are my family.

 

kneo & Mauschen thank you for your wishes and support.

 

I really loved her with all my heart, and I still have feelings for her even after what they have done, I don't know why, a lot of my friends think I am mad, they even put money together to help me out with some legal costs. My lawyers said if this case goes to court my wife would be lucky to get 20%, under Australian law it does not matter who's name is on the title, it is the financial contribution that counts. I certainly have all the bank documents to support that. I cannot believe that my wife is saying that because the house is under her name, so she was entitled to live their rent free. In a way I am the tenant, even though my family and I paid for the house in full. Now she is using my trust to her advantage.

 

I have been asking myself the question, what should I do? if we go to court she is going to come out with very little; on the other hand, if I agree on the amount that she is asking for, she can have a good start in life again, but why should my family and I be kind after being treated like animals by her and her family. To them I have been unfair, unloving and heartless, I am forgetting all the good times I had with her and my in laws, it will be injustice.

 

We had a wonderful 8 years together, I don't regret any moment of it, let it be joy, bitterness or sorrow. We became better people, tasted every flavor of life. I just wish I could hold her hand again, at least to say goodbye... I have never had a chance to bid my farewell to the person I truly love...

Edited May 15, 2011 by Le Corb

[Richard Friedman]

"New start in life" my ass. If you want your hard earned money to go into new lingerie for some other guy to blow his load into, then be my guest buddy. She spits in your face and you just keep begging for more. Just incredible. You're clearly not rational right now, so listen to your friends and family who have your best interests.

[Le Corb]

2:40 AM, I just cannot sleep, even with some of the strongest sleeping pills you can get.

 

Is this really going to get better? NC for almost 2 weeks now, its hard. Last time I spoke to her on the phone she hung up on me, saying that I am not helping her to move on, by not agreeing on the amount that she is asking for.

 

Perhaps I am not rational, maybe after all this is a good thing like all my friends and family are saying, to finally get out of this relationship, I really wonder will I fall in love again... after this how can I trust anyone again? I cannot... I feel horrible that we did not take oversea holiday every year when she asked to; I didn't buy that one pair of pants that she liked; I should not have criticized her too much, in term of her studies, time & financial managements, and dangerous driving etc. How could one cut off like this after 8 years? I still don't understand. She sounds and acts like nothing happened, perhaps she does deserve a better life without me if that is what she considers as happiness. I just wish I was treated with some respect, she has never mentioned about marriage counseling or discussed about her concerns in the relationship.

[Downtown]

I feel horrible that we did not take oversea holiday every year when she asked to; I didn't buy that one pair of pants that she liked; I should not have criticized her too much, in term of her studies, time & financial managements, and dangerous driving etc. How could one cut off like this after 8 years? I still don't understand.

Le Corb, if your W has strong BPD traits as I suspect, the repeated flipping back and forth between adoration and devaluation is so disorienting that all partners and spouses stumble out of the relationship in a confused state. Indeed, a large share of them think they are losing their minds. BPD traits are infamous for having that destructive effect on partners. That is why I suggested you immediately contact a clinical psychologist to speed up your recovery instead of suffering in such abject misery as you are doing now. As I recall, you are living in a rural area. Are you close enough to a good sized city that a psychologist or other therapist is available? Please, mate, don't try to go through this alone.

[IfiKnewThen]

2:40 AM. How could one cut off like this after 8 years? I still don't understand. She sounds and acts like nothing happened, perhaps she does deserve a better life without me if that is what she considers as happiness. I just wish I was treated with some respect, she has never mentioned about marriage counseling or discussed about her concerns in the relationship.

 

please just hang in there it will get better and will get easier in time. everything especially healing, in life takes time. you dont feel the healing now yet because

 

A. its too soon.

 

B. youre in utter shock

 

c. you want her back

 

d. the hope of fixing it her phase keeps you attached.

 

 

so you cant sleep because your mind is on search mode for the answers. men always want to fix things and so this is hard to wrap your head around. and the way she went about it was ridiculously shocking. go easy on yourself. be kind to YOU and take care of you now. you have to be in survival mode now, more than ever, whether or not you feel motivated to be.

 

so eat good. try to calm your mind, heart and spirit. i dont care if you have to fake it till you make it. think on good thoughts in life. a beach...a beautiful scene. get together with people who care. get hugs from your mom or dad or a brother or buddy...anything. get support.

 

also read this post when you feel up to it. like i said if you feel you have unfinished business, try to CALMLY get it out and get more unstressed. dont take on too many tasks. do ONE thing at at time even if you have to go one minute at a time. if you absolutely need to say something to her. ..and she wont talk to you. talk to someone who she will listen to to talk through you. and when you dont feel like talking or responding...go N/C.

 

you will go through all kinds of stages through recovery. i recommend 2 books (yeah sorry, it more books again) 1) when your lover leaves you..six stages to recovery and growth , by richard whitestone and 2)mars and venus starting over, by dr. john gray. both talking about shock , hope, anger despair, indifference and growth. your feelings will wax and wain. it's natural and the trick is not to get STUCK in ONE feeling. hope helps cancel out shock, anger helps cancel out despair, indifference helps anger. you get the picture. this is healthy and its all a must to go through. so keep going , time . thats all i can say is time. and again get support and read, whats appropriate for your circumstance and take the best out of all of it. pray too my friend.

 

dont bother drinking or dabbling in drugs of any sort. they are still depressants.

 

make the room you sleep in your tranquil place. not your worry place. when you worry or think. do it in the living room or something. keep it out of your bedroom at night as much as possible. think on things and then BALANCE. i always say balance. God made the world in balance, the moon and tides the earth and its rotation, etc etc. so when you have a bad feeling, balance with something good, however small. and when you need a fighting spirt from time to time...perhaps look at this post from McGrupp. once again one of my favorite posts. a survival post. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t244265/?highlight=mcgrupp

 

keep coming here . you have friends here who can relate/ know your pain and want to see you happy again. take care and God bless.

[IfiKnewThen]

ps. the mgrupp post is sort of like tough love. sometimes we need that...sometimes we dont. personally i think its good to

 

1) try ONLY if its possible to fix a relationship but first fix you. 2) experience all the crappy feelings of healing. its a process that has to be gone through to ..and yes we hope its as painless as possible. but it can be rough. but you have good days and bad. ride the wave, and look for land, and give yourself a break. 3) read something like the mcgrupp post for strength.

 

i still believe to everything there is a season. like it says: a time to love, a time to laugh a time to cry, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

a time to search and a time to give up. it is not always time to go N/C right off the bat. sometimes it is. ONLY YOU know when that time is right for you and we can cheer you on to enforce it. sometimes its time to go N/C and then contact again. sometimes you need to contact now...or feel you should. sometimes people go N/C and never contact again. but most of us have unfinished business. like you a home in both your names...etc.

 

so feel out your time, then calmly gently , wisely do whats you think is best. sometimes we make mistakes and say, oh i shouldnt have talked to them yet or oh i know i should have said this. its daunting. feel it out.

 

and if you feel you ever need professional help, thats out there like downtown said.

 

be kind to yourself, learn and rest and learn to rest again. rest is important. give your mind and soul a break whenever its possible. i know its hard but it is necessary. watch a favorite show or see a movie that isnt a darn love story. again i do think the two books mentioned are good, if the time comes if you ever feel you need them.

[Le Corb]

Thank you so much, and everyone who posted in this thread.

 

I watched the sunrise yesterday at the gate of oceans labyrinth, the past is like a broken mirror, it only stares back at you, sharp as the threads of fate. I asked myself with tears in my trembling hands, if you really love her you should let her go, if she thinks it is best for her, to live a life without you, you should wish her joy.

 

You are right. Before bidding farewell to someone you truly love, you should let go of yourself, and set yourself free, only then you can move on with life. When we were in love, we promised that we will wait for each other, and have our ashes scattered at sea at the end of our lives, back to nature we both love, perhaps it was not meant to be, perhaps it was just a dream. I miss her a lot, I only wish I could go back in time, and relive that 8 years over and over again. I still cry, even though I know that she is no longer a part of my life, I am still waiting for her to come back home everyday, to hear her footsteps again...

 

There is a hole in my soul, I am lost in that void, drifting amid the echoes of shattered memories, I just want to see her smile again, the world now looks like a faded sketch, colorless, I need to fill it up with hope and forgiveness, then perhaps one day it will be full of colors again.

 

It may sound a bit strange, I actually saw her in a dream, a few weeks before I met her, we were sitting on a crowded train, we just looked into each others eyes, there were no words, just looking into each others soul. She told me that she had a dream of us being old together, she was dying in a hospital with a beautiful view, I was there with our children and grandkids, bidding each other farewell, I looked into her eyes and said goodbye.

 

I am probably going to see her for the last time at mediation, I sent her an email today hoping to meet up for a chat later this week, I don't know what should I say to her?

 

I shall be kind to myself, only then I can look after loved ones, thanks for posting McGrupp's thread, and recommending books, and most of all thank you for listening and helping me.

Edited May 16, 2011 by Le Corb

[IfiKnewThen]

my goodness that last post really toughed my heart and brought tears to my eyes. i cant help but say i do understand loss like that. i really know what you mean.

 

 

the ache, and the longing to go back in time, and not only relive it but maybe to try to do it better somehow. to want to share things in this day and time...

 

 

too much.

 

 

it is good to forgive and feel love instead of all the bitterness and utter frustration. its an emotional rollar coaster. you are doing good. and no need to thank, and of course you are most welcome.

 

DONT give up. do whatever needs to be done for you, to LIVE a quality life. its possible trust me. just go ONE day at a time. no one can even begin to think of all the tomorrows. we ONLY have this day. so live this day to the fullestest. get thru this one day. thats it. than wake up tomorrow and do the same. soon the shock and panick will stop. acceptance starts to take place. give it the time it deserves. this was a big deal in your life, not small potatoes. so it needs time. give it that. you deserve that much and much more!!!!!

 

 

talk to people , please keep in touch. i hope she has the decency to write back to you and dont worry what you will say now. or be true to your heart. they say the truth will set you free. let her be the idiot that she sounds like (sorry). but you be true to yourself and who you are.

[Le Corb]

She wrote to me back yesterday, she no longer wishes to see me, or speak to me... she said from now on just contact her lawyer.

 

I have only seen her once since she left, I am going to see her for the very last time at mediation...

 

I remember the first time I met her, that night I looked at the sky and wished to be with her and grow old together, I will always remember her smile, she will always have a special place in my heart, that love and memory will never die, we will forever be young together...

[IfiKnewThen]

dang she is being cold. sorry corb. if you feel you need help..like downtown said ..talk to someone.

 

ug why do people have to be so insensitive. this too shall pass corb. hang in there!! please read all of mcgrupp's post

[IfiKnewThen]

ps if you read the mcgrupp post which i highly recommend....all you have to read are mcgrupps words in the entire post. go from page 1 , then 2, 3, etc. till you read it to the end.

 

i laughed and i cried. but it gives strength. God bless

[robf1971]

She wrote to me back yesterday, she no longer wishes to see me, or speak to me... she said from now on just contact her lawyer.

 

OK, this is hard I know but have you got a lawyer?