Is this marriage savable?

[robf1971]

She wrote to me back yesterday, she no longer wishes to see me, or speak to me... she said from now on just contact her lawyer.

 

I have only seen her once since she left, I am going to see her for the very last time at mediation...

 

I remember the first time I met her, that night I looked at the sky and wished to be with her and grow old together, I will always remember her smile, she will always have a special place in my heart, that love and memory will never die, we will forever be young together...

 

Lecorb, you need to stop trying to find reasons for all this. There are people with BPD who do not act like your wife has to you.

 

She's told you, that she doesn''t want to contact you again. Me, you , the queen of England, probably even her doesn't even know if this is true or not. How she feels 6 months, a year or even 5 years down the line may or may not change. How you feel might change.

 

 

To reiterate stranger things have happened. For one, my wife was in her words "done, totally unatracted, never wanted to kiss or have sex with me again, saw me like a brother, wasn't in love with me,didn't want to try yadda, yadda, yadda In fact every damn cliche you hear on this site. We are now happily married.

 

Bearing this in mind take some solid advice from someone who's been through the ringer. Take care of yourself, focus on YOU. Slowly over the months you'll begin to feel better.

[IfiKnewThen]

wow rob1971 a happy ending:)

[Le Corb]

I went to see a few lawyers so far, the figures that they are giving me are quite different from the amount that my wife is asking for, in fact almost 30% in term of difference. I know that she is not willing to compromise, if this goes to court it will be a long battle for both of us.

 

How did you reconcile with your wife? robf1971 is it even possible to get back together considering the way she did it and how she is handling it now.

 

Thanks a lot for mcgrupps posts, IfiKnewThen, it has been a discovery process indeed.

[jaymz]

In the UK the maintenance can be done as an agreement or done through the CSA (child support agency) my w seems to think she is going to get **** loads of cash too, but has failed to take into account things like nights I have kids etc which bring down the maintenance payments.

 

It sounds like they are not looking at reality or only listening to what they want to hear.

[Le Corb]

There are no kids involved in my case.

[Le Corb]

It has been 10 weeks exact, I feel angry sometimes about what she did, especially how she is saying that my parents should pay her out, asking her lawyer to send my family the settlement letter, blaming me for failing her degrees (now she is changing her major again for the 4th time), her family has been just awful to me, like calling the police, playing guilt trips, mind/word games etc. its all about money and money, otherwise she would not be even contacting me, most of all she is just being so heartless and cruel, even the lawyers are shocked.

 

How could she turn into a completely different person all the sudden, or how can one fake the relationship for this long... now when I think back, all the good memories are overshadowed, I wonder really how long has she been faking the relationship, her and her family are saying that I am being manipulative, and cruel for not agreeing on the amount that they are asking for.

Edited May 20, 2011 by Le Corb

[fltc]

Go to court, get a divorce, start healing yourself and stop trying to salvage that which isn't salvageable.

[Le Corb]

If I choose to go to court, she will scream at me on the phone again, or she will probably ask her lawyer to send me and my family more angry letters.

 

I feel so used and betrayed, considering how much I trusted her, transferring the house to her name, naively thinking that everything was fine for months if not years, worked hard on the renovation, looking forward to having the future family...

[Downtown]

If I choose to go to court, she will scream at me on the phone again, or she will probably ask her lawyer to send me and my family more angry letters.

Yes, but your attorney may want you to record the calls and save the letters to disprove any lies she manufacturers in court. As I said, BPDers are so reactive and emotional that they are ineffective in planning and then keeping with the plan. Moreover, they will claim one thing one week and another a week later.

I feel so used and betrayed.

Good. That's the way you should feel. You WERE used and betrayed. Like you, I learned the hard way that, when a woman is incapable of trusting you -- as BPDers are -- you can never trust her because she can turn on you at any moment -- and certainly will.

[fltc]

If I choose to go to court, she will scream at me on the phone again, or she will probably ask her lawyer to send me and my family more angry letters.

 

So? You're expecting it so you should be able to handle it.

 

I feel so used and betrayed, considering how much I trusted her, transferring the house to her name, naively thinking that everything was fine for months if not years, worked hard on the renovation, looking forward to having the future family...

 

You ARE used and betrayed, nothing wrong with feeling that way, now go do your darndest to get back what's yours! If that means court, and I believe it does in your case, don't hesitate, GET IT DONE!

[Quiet Storm]

My younger sister has BPD.

 

She was sexually abused as a child. I first notice something was wrong when we were teens...she was bulimic and a cutter.

 

Her rages are unbelieable. Now in her early 30s, she has lost her husband, custody of her child, can't hold a job, and causes my parents stress and drama on a daily basis.

 

She is on disability for this disorder, so she does get free insurance. She has been hospitalized long term in one of the nation's best psych hospitals, has gotten DBT therapy...nothing has helped.

 

She only gets worse. Now she is an alcoholic in addition to the BPD, so you can imagine how bad it gets.

 

I know you love your wife, but BPD is not something that is easily treated. I know you can't see it now, but it is good that she left and it was HER idea. If YOU were leaving HER, it would be 24/7 drama, suicide threats, yelling & screaming, etc.

 

People with BPD are very hard to treat. A large number of them end up dying from suicide. My sister has been taught coping skills, how to handle stress, tried numerous meds, in patient hospitalization... and when she gets in a rage, everything she has learned is forgotten. And all that comes out is craziness.

 

I know you are hurting, but a life with a BPD is not a happy life. They drag you down, make you question your sanity and suck the life right out of you. They can only focus on their own pain, and most of that pain is based upon irrational assumptions. Your life will be spent constantly trying to defend yourself and trying to make her feel secure.

[IfiKnewThen]

just hugs corb. feel better soon is all i can say. and pray. prayer is a powerful thing

[Le Corb]

I don't know if she has BPD, but there certainly have been countless passive aggressive behaviors, chronically being late and forgetting things; passively resists occupational and study related tasks; never thinks about consequences of her actions; complains of being misunderstood and unappreciated by others; fear of competition; always unreasonably criticizes and scorns authority at work places; expresses envy and resentment toward those apparently more fortunate (her whole family is like that); and most of all she never talks about her concerns if she is unhappy, there is no communication.

 

After talking to professionals, the frequent running and driving off is definitely not normal. It is serious conflict avoidance. I still cannot believe that how can one fake the relationship for this long? no body noticed anything, including me, our friends and family. That is not something that everyone can do, to have that kind of emotional detachment, yet act like everything is normal, being loving and caring. To be honest I am a bit scared.

 

Two week before she left, she was taking me to see this multi-million dollar property with the intention of buying, 3 months before we were bidding on an expensive house, I asked her afterwards if we had won the auction would you have stayed? her answer was No. I am just glad that we did not buy another property. She left as soon as she got a permanent job. Why should my family be involved in all this? How heartless can one be to call the police when your partner of 8 years just waiting to speak to you.

 

I really loved her, I don't know why I still do... everyone is saying that I will have a much better life. I am quite scared by the person that my wife has turned into, I have a feeling that it is going to be a long legal battle, her mother is quite involved, asking me to pay the amount that her daughter is asking for, so I can have good memories. Now the official reason has turned into "verbal abuse" since week 7, no longer because of my anxiety and her wanting to be alone, as she wrote in the letter.

 

There is so much to handle, the emotional side of things, together with all the legal and financial matters. Any ideas and suggestions on how to deal with the paperworks on the legal front? I have all the bank documents showing that she made no contribution to the purchase of the house, only $12,000 government grant, which was not even enough to pay for the land transfer tax.

Edited May 21, 2011 by Le Corb

[Le Corb]

Life cannot go on like this, it has been 10 weeks and 1 day, my mood really fluctuates, one moment I am angry at her for what she did, the next moment I miss her a lot, thinking all the good times we had together, and what life could have been if all this did not happen.

 

I did not even get a chance to say goodbye, to bid farewell to the person I truly love, 8 years only a letter on the table... is there really hope? now whenever I feel a bit better, I have to face all the legal matters, then going through all the paperworks just brings back more memories... there are so many things in the house to be moved, I don't even know where to start...

 

I don't think I will ever love another person again, I know there still is a long way to go in life, how can I ever trust anyone again? I cannot... I gave this person all my love and everything I could possibly do, she does not even have the decency to talk to me... just assumed that I knew...

[Downtown]

Life cannot go on like this, it has been 10 weeks and 1 day, my mood really fluctuates... I don't think I will ever love another person again...

Those are intense feelings. Don't believe them. Every human being experiences distorted perception when feelings are intense. Although this occurs far more frequently for BPDers, all of us have to deal with it -- especially when going through the terrible crisis you are now experiencing.

 

This is why, several days ago, I suggested you see a clinical psychologist for a few visits to help ease you through this. Le Corb, there is absolutely no reason for you to be suffering such extreme pain and confusion without professional guidance -- and without anti-anxiety medication to take the edge. When my exW left me (i.e., had me arrested and thrown in jail), I saw a psychologist for seven visits and I also took a mild anti-depressant for several months. So please stop trying to be Mr. Macho Tough Guy.

Edited May 21, 2011 by Downtown

[IfiKnewThen]

le corb

 

 

 

 

i would get a lot of printer paper and a good black ink cartridge and print this out for a judge to read. it shows how blind-sighted and clueless you were. i am a stranger to you. you can show how i suggested you do this. i know they want to see all legal kinds of things. who owns property etc. i dont think she can just snatch everything up from you. gather all you that have. gather all that you document. then sue her for pain and suffering. i can't stand how people dont communicate and how one has to suffer like this.

 

i just woke up this morning thinking about all the pain and suffering he heaped on me. the trauma and shock and utter pain. all in the name of not talking. him never speaking up and me thinking all is ok. him preparing himself for wha he thinks is a better life and me preparing to be with him. its the most hurtful thing. so all i am saying is.....maybe sart there. get a buddy in tohelp you gather stuff. just be your won best friend now and PUSH, yourself to gather all and any facts. write them down. highlight them. forget reconciliation for now. get yourself well prepared so your attorney doesnt have to charge you more to try to look at highlight this stuff himself. one step at a time. one day at a time.

 

then after you are done gathering the facts from your vantage point, then worry about get togethers and stuff. but for now, this is what she wants and you have no choice so do it!!!!! defend yourself. and then if there is time and space between it...then try to talk to her.

 

i am VERY serious when i say print all of this out for a judge to read. it IS relevant. even if its how you experienced things, and she didnt. this is YOUR experience, and this is the suffering you are feeling from this. she didnt have to keep her mouth shut all the time and lead you on and help fix up a home that would be a broken home in the end. all of this treatment is damages. period.

[Le Corb]

Those are intense feelings. Don't believe them. Every human being experiences distorted perception when feelings are intense. Although this occurs far more frequently for BPDers, all of us have to deal with it -- especially when going through the terrible crisis you are now experiencing.

 

This is why, several days ago, I suggested you see a clinical psychologist for a few visits to help ease you through this. Le Corb, there is absolutely no reason for you to be suffering such extreme pain and confusion without professional guidance -- and without anti-anxiety medication to take the edge. When my exW left me (i.e., had me arrested and thrown in jail), I saw a psychologist for seven visits and I also took a mild anti-depressant for several months. So please stop trying to be Mr. Macho Tough Guy.

 

I am seeing a psychologist and counselor, I don't find it helpful, they just listen to what you have to say, thats pretty much it, they said they cannot offer explanations since they are not seeing my wife, they just told me to take long walks, spend time with friends and family, but I cannot bother my friends all the time, I have no relatives in this city, my lawyer told me that I should not leave until the legal matters are sorted out, legally my wife can empty the whole house, and if she objects the caveat that I put on the title of the house, we have to go to court in 5 weeks, I need to stay and be prepared for it at anytime, my friends helped me to change all the locks at the house.

 

I am also on anti-depressant and sleeping pills, my body is slowing getting used to them, I took more than the recommended dose last night, still could not get to sleep at 5am.

 

This is madness, I got offered a new contract a few weeks ago, I cannot even work, my savings will run out eventually especially with all the lawyer fees. Sometimes I think about taking the easy way out, but I cannot be as selfish as my wife, then she will get 100% of everything.

Edited May 21, 2011 by Le Corb

[Le Corb]

Thanks, IfiKnewThen

 

I shall print all this out if I have to go to court, it kind became a diary in a way since I got out of the hospital and able to read and write again.

 

So sorry to hear your story and your pain, I know exactly what you meant, I get angry sometimes when I think while I was supervising and working hard on the renovation and asbestos removal, afterwards she told me that she was going to divorce workshops, and preparing herself for months to leave as soon as the work at the house finishes. She lied to me, all of our friends and families. Only if she talked, we could fix all the problems up, without going through all this pain and suffering.

 

This is just the same as how she just walks off, starts running, or locks me out of the car and drives off, I just found myself apologizing to myself, this time is 1 million times worse...

Edited May 21, 2011 by Le Corb

[marqueemoon4]

not to diminish your pain at all.. I know exactly what you're going through and how paralyzing it is. seriously though, be glad you don't have kids with this woman, its 1000 times worse. take care of yourself, stay calm, keep on with your meds and therapy, and you will get through this. right now you are your own worst enemy.

[Le Corb]

I really wonder if there is true love, for 8 years I thought she was the one who I will share my whole life with, my love for her was unconditional, if there was an earthquake, and there is only one person could get out, even now I wouldn't think twice, I miss her smile...

 

I have been walking to the sea, sometimes I hear her voice in the waves, it sails me to the place where our dreams belong, in the ocean of oblivion without shore, there I can see her in my tears, there we will forever be young.

[IfiKnewThen]

i know. i am dead serious when i say print this out and give it to a thrid party judge. this is not a funny matter, it IS serious. he needs to see how blind-sighted you were and how utterly ill prepared, mentally (first and foremost) emotionally (first too) and financially. i think people would have to start being accountable to "TALK", and work things out. do you know that some divorces are not granted? yep its true. because they accept that you should have worked things out. your wife was actually negligence in doing that. all she worked out was an exit for herself. please talk this document to court. give it to your lawyer and a judge. dont let the lawyer tell you no. the judge needs to see documentation of how stunned and ill prepared you are. and she is the cause of it by walking out and abandoning you.!!!!!!! i truly think....you have a case.

 

 

you cant just physically abandon a marriage or mentally and NOT communicate to the other party. hints are not good enough. sorry. she should have communicated. period. she's a grown up? no? tell it to the judge.

 

 

she deceived you. i dont think that cheating is deceiving alone. i think there is deception without cheating. and there is abandonment going on here too. present this care with this document to the judge. please please try to. please. for your sake.

[marqueemoon4]

you're in the over romanticizing stage.. good news: it'll pass.

[Le Corb]

I don't know what the future holds, I cannot even see beyond the rest of today.

 

I tried to call her tonight, she didn't answer. no contact for almost 3 weeks now aside from the email. She said from now on I should contact her lawyer instead.

[marqueemoon4]

so don't call her..

[fltc]

I really wonder if there is true love, for 8 years I thought she was the one who I will share my whole life with, my love for her was unconditional

 

Sorry to tell you but you never ever loved her, even a little. You loved a fantasy, you loved the person you thought she was but she was never that person. Now you've just had a dose of reality, now you know who she is and who she was all along.