Is this marriage savable?

[Owl]

So many things just don't make sense, I am just searching for answers why, since it happened so suddenly, and there was no buildup.

 

Don't try to make sense of the insane. Odds are that you'll never get a good answer as to why.

 

Your best bet is to focus on protecting yourself financially and legally at this point.

 

 

I don't know how I can find out whether there is someone else in the picture, if there is she has certainly covered it well.

 

There are tons of ways to do so. Is her cell phone account on a joint account where you both have access? If so, request the monthly detailed call report for her phone from your provider. You'll see lots of calls to/from someone else if this is the case.

 

Same thing applies to your home phone from before the day she left.

 

Take a look at her credit card usage and spending for the months leading up to this as well.

 

If she was using your home computer before she left...look at the history/chat sessions/etc...see if any of those are still logged in or have any history enabled on them.

 

Bottom line is that affairs require lots of communication and funding. Follow those lines and you'll see if there's something going on.

[Le Corb]

I checked all the home phone records and computer history, chat programs. There is nothing.

 

I cannot check her mobile phone, since she is on pre-paid, there is no abnormal usage on her credit card either. I take care of the finance in the household, no funds were disappearing.

 

She wasn't going out a lot, I certainly didn't notice her dressing up differently or anything.

 

If there is adultery, she did a good job covering everything up.

[robf1971]

I checked all the home phone records and computer history, chat programs. There is nothing.

 

I cannot check her mobile phone, since she is on pre-paid, there is no abnormal usage on her credit card either. I take care of the finance in the household, no funds were disappearing.

 

She wasn't going out a lot, I certainly didn't notice her dressing up differently or anything.

 

If there is adultery, she did a good job covering everything up.

 

Keep checking, the signs do sound good on this. Bear in mind in my situation there was no infidelity so it isn't always the case but just keep your eyes open. Anyway, it's all about you , forget her, What are you gonna do for YOU today?

[Le Corb]

My mood still fluctuates a lot, today I have been thinking about all the horrible things that she did and said, it really makes me think that I should be glad that we did not have kids, win the auction or buy any businesses in the last a few months. On the contrary yesterday I missed her a lot, and thinking of all the good time we had together, all the dreams we shared, I got so sad and depressed, had to call the suicide helpline again for the first time in 10 weeks.

 

It feels like I am split into two halves, there is an inner conflict within myself. I just do not know how could she act so heartless all the sudden, as I am her worst enemy. What she did was brutal, even when I was in hospital, they tried to push me over the edge. I am glad that I got through the first a few days. Now I don't even have the energy to clean up the house, all the renovation mess. I should have asked her to sign a financial agreement when I purchased the house, at the time she verbally agreed that if there is anything happens to our relationship, the house goes back to me and my family, I was too trusting, didn't ask her to write anything on paper. Now she is using it against me.

 

I still cannot believe that in the last a few months she asked my family to buy a cafe/restaurant in our names, and we almost bought another property while she was planning the divorce all along. Everyone I know is angry about it, none of us has ever saw that in her, she was a very quiet, loving and caring person. I really miss that person a lot.

Edited May 25, 2011 by Le Corb

[Mauschen]

Sorry you're having the emotional ups and downs. It will get easier with time. Most women would be very happy to have such a loyal and devoted husband like you. Keep yourself alive and healthy!

[IfiKnewThen]

please trust me on this ONE thing le corb

 

 

SHE is NOT worth taking your life , over. everyone (and i mean EVERYONE who truly loves you...and whether or not you believe or know it...there are those who love you still living...) would be crushed, and their lives ruined in you did that to yourself. so much pain for the ones who truly love you. any family and friends. even if its 1 person. you would crush their lives and they would suffer needlessly. i know it stinks to be hurt like this. it sux............ROYALLY. but it does..............get better. it will get better and you will someday be HAPPY NOT to be with this person who is definitely NOT worth your life.

 

 

PLEASE trust me on that much. its huge, actually. you MUST believe the innocent wrong people are the ones who will absolutely get hurt. i dont care HOW great you feel she is or thinks she is or believes she is. SHE ISNT. this is proof of it.

 

 

she didnt live up to her vows of better or worse and work it out. so le corb...screw her now. forget it. trust me. YOU have value. People and God want you here. turn your life around and your feelings will follow suit. change your thoughts. she is NOT worth a lick of them...but i can tell you this...others are. there is a light at the end of the tunnel. the tunnel might be long and dark.....but get through it. you will be so thankful you did.

 

so will those who actually give a damn!

[Le Corb]

Thank you all for the encouraging words, its heartwarming, I don't know what to say... when I feel lonely I come here and read your posts... sometime I feel like life is like a book or a garden, full of twists and turns, what do you do when you run out of ink or water? your world is suddenly dry and colorless, you stare at the blank pages, the mirror of your life, its empty, then perhaps it is the only way, to endure the pain, to continue your chapter of life, write in your blood, water it with your tears, then maybe one day you will see your garden blossoms again. Its hard to say goodbye to someone who you shared your life with, you become the one who haunts your own dreams, the past lingers in the air while all the music fades into echoes, only waiting to be forgotten in the dust of time.

 

There is no map for this journey, when you are afraid of the dark, you ask yourself, where did all your dreams and hope go? they are shattered and hidden under the long shadows of the past, you must pick up what is yours, put the pieces together with your soul, perhaps they will become the light to guide you in the dark.

Edited May 26, 2011 by Le Corb

[Owl]

There are maps for this journey you're on. But in order to use them, the first thing you need to do is to pick your destination.

 

Divorce?

 

Reconciliation?

 

Once you pick your goal, the next thing you need to do is to figure out what steps you need to take to obtain it...what waypoints you need to set along your path to your destination.

 

Then, follow your path. Plan for alternate routes, detours, delays, etc...

 

But it all starts with picking your goal, setting it firmly in your mind, and then developing and implementing your plan to get there.

 

Have you sat down and worked through this whole thing with that kind of mindset? If not...it's a good place to start.

[Le Corb]

There are maps for this journey you're on. But in order to use them, the first thing you need to do is to pick your destination.

 

Divorce?

 

Reconciliation?

 

Once you pick your goal, the next thing you need to do is to figure out what steps you need to take to obtain it...what waypoints you need to set along your path to your destination.

 

Then, follow your path. Plan for alternate routes, detours, delays, etc...

 

But it all starts with picking your goal, setting it firmly in your mind, and then developing and implementing your plan to get there.

 

Have you sat down and worked through this whole thing with that kind of mindset? If not...it's a good place to start.

 

Divorce is the easiest path.

 

I don't know why I want to save this marriage, I am going to see her at mediation probably for the last time sometime next month, reconciliation seems so distant, she does not want to see me or talk to me, all she wants to discuss now is financial settlement, and she wants it so quickly, even initiated the process when I was in hospital. What should I do if I choose the path of reconciliation?

Edited May 26, 2011 by Le Corb

[IfiKnewThen]

i agree with owl. you can chose any path.

 

there will come a time though, and dont let it deter you,

when you will need....

 

cooperation.

 

 

but your life is NOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT (sorry)

 

 

worth this one woman. its worth (no matter how you feel NOW) so so much more.

[Mauschen]

I have no idea why you would still choose reconciliation in this case.

 

Your wife has suddenly and completely cut you out of her life. Normal people don't do that to someone they love.

 

Take this time to love YOURSELF, do things you like to do (eventually your brain will follow your body and will start to enjoy doing these things again), work out, go out with friends, etc. When you go to mediation, no doubt you will be full of nerves and may want to beg for her back. Don't do it. Show her that you are happy, healthy, and fit, and that you don't need her. If she is going to come back, this is the only way it will happen. People are naturally drawn to others who are happy and have self-confidence. That said, I think you're better off without her.

 

My current husband had a long-term relationship with a woman who did to him what your wife has done to you. She was a beautiful and talented woman. But there was something amiss about her, and he did not head the warnings. One day, she packed all of her things and moved away to become an actress and model in LA. My husband held out hope for her to return, and even went to visit her there a few times. He even moved to California for a job, hoping that being close to her would change her mind. Nothing worked until HE lost interest in her. This was YEARS ago, and now she emails him, sends him messages through facebook (they are not fb friends), and tells him stories about how her husband beats her (not sure if they are true). In any case, she tries to rely on him for emotional support, but he has now moved on and doesn't want anything to do with her. Recently, she even emailed my husband's dad. Weird.

 

Even though my husband married me, he had commitment-phobia after his experience with this woman. He gave her everything and expected to marry her, and then she just left with no real explanation. Everything now is just fine, but I felt that she had really damaged him. Of course, it was his choice to not trust or love anyone after her. But that is really so sad. It took me months of patience to break through the armor he had put up. Sometimes, we would have a great time together, and then, out of fear, he would not cal me for a week. I knew about his past, and I was busy with my 2 kids anyway, so I just patiently waited for him to "come around." Once he finally let down his guard, he became a devoted and loving boyfriend and then husband. He admitted that the possibility of getting hurt again was too much for him to handle.

 

I hope that your healing process involves thinking about how to allow yourself to be loved and how to trust again. Truly, there are women out there who will love you and not abandon you. You deserve one of these women, not someone like your wife with whom you will always be fearful of abandonment. Look for clues about these people when dating - avoidance of conflict, running away, being overly defensive of minor criticism, etc.

 

In time, you will feel much better and will hopefully be enjoying life to the fullest extent possible.

Edited May 26, 2011 by Mauschen
spelling

[IfiKnewThen]

wow thats some story mauschen. speechless. its amazing how people respond to different things, like this lady did to your husband

[Le Corb]

Thanks for sharing the story Mauschen, I am glad that your husband found someone like you who really loves him, and he loves you back unconditionally. I feel so happy for the both of you.

 

It has been 12 weeks and 1 day.

 

I don't think alcohol is helping, I didn't drink for 8 years, now with the medications, it seems to make things worse. I stopped talking about it to friends now, they probably don't want to hear about more of it anyway. I have no idea why I want to reconcile with her, I miss her a lot when I think of all the small things. Everybody is saying that I will find someone so much better, she is not worth it at all.

 

I feel like I owe her, I should have loved her more than I did, I said hurtful things when we had arguments, especially after running around after her and chasing the car. Now she is saying that I have been verbally abusing her for years, she had never got to do things that she wanted to do during the relationship, now I can see it from her perspective, I do take the responsibilities, I do get controlling when I get anxious, such as the asbestos problem during the renovation; worrying about her failing her subjects again at university; her safety on the road and small things like burning the pots in the kitchen again and again; my fear of her fighting with the manager at her old work; I should have always agreed on her restaurant of choice and whenever she asked to travel, why didn't I just pack up and leave and say nothing; I should not comment at all when she asked my opinion on her choice of outfits, only if I had bought that pair of pants that she liked, there are so many things, I was too critical of her.

 

A lot of the time I was really questioning my sanity, often I just felt like everything was my fault no matter what I do. I always wished I could talk to her about my feelings, have a heart to heart conversation about the issues that concern me without being dismissed as annoying and overreacting. I hoped she could change, she completely abandoned me instead. Now I found it hard to trust anyone again in a relationship, I wish I knew what to do to rebuild that trust in people.

 

The letter from her lawyer should arrive next week, I have a decision to make, whether to give her more than what my lawyers are suggesting or fight the case in court, I know for sure that she is not going to agree on the settlement offer from my solicitor.

 

She showed up at a friends gallery last week, the friend said she felt uncomfortable talking to her, my wife said we are all adults, sometimes these things happen, its not like in high school anymore...?!?

 

I am staying at a friends place, as my psychologist advised to leave the house for a couple of weeks.

Edited May 29, 2011 by Le Corb

[robf1971]

whether to give her more than what my lawyers are suggesting

 

Why on g-d's earth would you do this?

 

The woman is an expert at making you feel guilty, So you weren't perfect in the marriage duhhhhhhh. Nor was she? FIGHT HER EVERY STEP OF THE WAY.

[2.50 a gallon]

Do not waste any more time, emotion of funds on this relationship

 

Take the lessons you learned and apply them to the next relationship

[Le Corb]

I went through all the paperworks in the past 8 years, getting them ready for my lawyer... it brought back all the memories, I cried many times looking at all the documents from when we got married, bought the house, all the dreams we shared, we were going to see the world together... I was a fool, she deserved better, she always wanted to travel, I said we will do that we when get older, we need to settle down with our career plans first. I neglected her because of my work and during the renovation, I was too focused on other things...

 

We were young, we had something special, but we did not nurture it, it faded away... I don't know how I can live the rest of my life with regrets... if I give her what she is asking, then she can have a good life and be happy, although I will not be around, but she can travel and see the world as she always wanted to.

[IfiKnewThen]

le corb. maybe................just maybe........it would be therapeutic for you to tell her where you feel you went wrong and are sorry. i say this for YOU. NOT HER. she doesn't deserve it most likely . but, so you don't have to "regret", and for you to make peace with YOUR end of it....maybe say youre sorry it didn't work out and you have stepped back and saw where you wish you did better. this is NOT absolving her from anything. she has to someday admit what she did to you. not only for herself, but for you because you deserve it hear it. but she may NEVER do this. but this is for your healing benefit. to say what you feel you did wrong and to forgive you and to heal.

 

you can tell yourself , everyday and every night..you were sorry for what you did and showed her by saying it. this way , it might help you to earnestly forgive yourself so you dont get caught up and stuck in these regrets. this is whether she deserves it or NOT. again i only say this for healing. of course someday you will see more clearly that she failed you royally by NOT communicating and being passive aggressive . but you need to move forward, and rid yourself of this thing... feeling and weight.... of feeling you wish you did this or that in the past. even of she doesn't accept your apology...even if she doesn't or deserve it......

 

once again...this is for YOU. it will help you say " at least i tried to say sorry, etc...

 

you don't have to give her everything either. too bad if she didnt travel the world. most of us dont and she married you, and this wasnt a travel arrangement. it was a marriage. lots of people stopped traveling based on all the terrorism in the world too. she should be a big girl and stop feeling she missed out. you don't owe her anything in that department, in my opinion.

 

 

i do think its honorable of you to want more for her. to want to give. to want to be fair. but you dont have to go above and beyond the call of duty in the process. this is healing time. coming to grips with what happened and trying hard to move forward. if you want to tell her something and NOT expect anything in return, and just do it for YOUR healing...fine.

 

but you have to be strong and see it as a healing step for your own head and heart. not as reconciliation. of course this is just a suggestion..

 

 

someday you might want to tell her off lol. but what i am saying in the here and now is......in order to move forward, and not be stuck in this regret , etc. make peace with it as best as you can from your disadvantage point.

 

tell yourself afterwards...i am so glad i tried to say where i thought i was at fault. again, this ISNT because YOU did ANYTHING wrong. its because you FEEL and believe you did and want to make peace with it. its could be a step in healing....that aspect of this pain.

Edited May 30, 2011 by IfiKnewThen

[Le Corb]

I tried to call her today to say I am sorry, to tell her where I wish I did better, she didn't answer my call...

 

I don't know how I can tell her all this, she only wants to discuss about financial settlement at mediation, I don't even know if she would read my letter.

 

Spoke to one of the only two friends that she kept since the breakup (she has cut contacts with all of our friends in the past 8 years), the friend told me that my wife is definitely not in another relationship and she doesn't plan to do so for a while, she just wants to be independent. They have been friends since high school, the friend just had her second baby, my wife went to see her just a week before she left, she said that my wife mentioned about she is having problems with the relationship, but she was really surprised by what she did a week later.

 

I just cannot forgive myself, she would not give me the chance to let me tell her how I feel even after the breakup, before it was considered as annoying by her, to her all my concerns are irrational. I cannot show her that I am sorry by saying it, she would not want to discuss about it.

 

The hardest thing is I cannot let go of myself, there are so many unanswered questions, I just cannot forgive myself, I am the most horrible person to make her to do something like this, I deserve the worst in life, this is a punishment for not loving her the way she deserved to be loved. I just want her to be happy to make it up for her, even though it means I have to give more than I should.

[Downtown]

The hardest thing is I cannot let go of myself, there are so many unanswered questions, I just cannot forgive myself, I am the most horrible person to make her to do something like this, I deserve the worst in life,

Le Corb, you married an emotionally unavailable woman just like I did. Her behavior -- withdrawing from you to the point of leaving you stranded many times as she drove off and, ultimately, walking out without a word after cold-heartedly planning it for four months -- screams "PERSONALITY DISORDER."

 

As I explained in several posts above, the PD traits that best match her abnormal, dysfunctional behavior seem to be BPD traits. It is impossible to make such a person happy or meet her needs because she has a bottomless pit of neediness inside. So please stop beating yourself up over it. By the way, when is your next session with the psychologist? I am very interested in hearing whether that guy is finally going to stop taking notes and start delivering by giving you some useful advice.

[IfiKnewThen]

le corb ...when i suggested talking to her..., i didnt mean today. i meant AFTER you get through these things. settling business. then you can tell yourself, you did all you can. you know what? you probably did all you could already and certainly all she will allow. so just go with the flow now. i agree that you must stop beating yourself up.

 

it is not good or productive. she did her share. please stop taking the blame now. when i said to apologize for anything she thinks you did, i certainly didnt mean she was right and you were wrong. please stop doing that to yourself. i almost meant to pacify her and heal YOU. thats it period. please dont read more into it or BLAME yourself. this is horrible and will go no where fast.

 

just keep moving forward so you CAN feel joy in your life again. get all her stupid business settled. sorry this lady pisses me off. i am not blaming her...but her lack of communication skills are a trite annoying. we all want to see you happy again. this will take time but it is absolutely possible.

 

this is survival time. please do all you can to get on board and stay focused. you tried. she is not bending. or listening. so its time to keep going forward and give her what she wants. a divorce. and know you will get to the other side. one step at a time.

Edited May 31, 2011 by IfiKnewThen

[Le Corb]

I canceled all the sessions with my psychologist, it has been 3 months, she is still taking notes, in term of advise and counseling, I was only told to go for walks and try to spend more time with friends, she is just after my money, who knows what she is going to do later, she might accuse me of being depressed making her life miserable or something out of the blue, I have learned my lesson, so I am not going there anymore.

 

No one wants to know about it, I am just spending time by myself, after all this I am donating everything to charity.

 

I sent my wife a text message yesterday when I was doing all the photocopying of our paperworks, I asked her if she wants duplicates of anything, I can bring them to mediation so she can give them to her lawyer, she didn't even have the decency to say no. I feel like I loved a blackhole I don't even know for how long, it sucked the life out of me.

 

She is doing the same to our friends, cutting all contacts, disposing them, I spoke to one of our old friends the other day, she said she tried to call my wife, and she was angry by the way my wife was talking to her, she didn't tell me the details.

 

My mother in law said that it is all my fault, my mother and grandfather were hospitalized from the shock because of what I did, there is only one way to make it up which is to pay her daughter out. My father is looking after his dad after the emergency heart operation, they cannot come down to see me at the moment. My wife said in her opinion they should be here with me and arrange the money transfer. I cannot leave, my lawyer told me that if she objects the caveat that I put on the house title, we need to go to court in 5 weeks, I need to be prepared for that.

 

8 years, I didn't get a chance to say goodbye... the last letter is all I can say to her, I will give it to her with our rings after mediation about financial settlement.

[Downtown]

Le Corb, please consider visiting another psychologist after getting the name of a really good one this time. How did you get the name of the lady note taker who was such a disappointment?

[Le Corb]

I was referred to the psychologist by my doctor (GP), I don't thinking seeing a psychologist will help at all, there is not much point, I am better off taking more sleeping pills. I just need to hold on for a few months more, I hope we can get the property settlement done soon.

[Le Corb]

Its a hard decision to make, would you treat someone who betrayed you with forgiveness and generosity? or treat them the same way they treated you?

 

I want her to be happy, she deserves a good life, I failed to look after her, she still has a long way to go, with that money she can see the world, I knew she always wanted to, thats the last thing I can do for her. After this I am planning to donate everything I own to charity. I have done my share in life, I am happy.

[Downtown]

Le Corb, you are talking like a very depressed man. Depression is a deadly condition. What you're saying makes no sense. You need a psychologist now more than ever before. It is important you return to the one you've been seeing or go to another one. Please take care of yourself instead of just giving up.