Is this marriage savable?

[Mauschen]

Le Corb,

 

I am not sure where you live, but in the U.S. it is not common (or even legal) to force someone's family to pay the ex wife. In most real estate situations, there are 2 options:

1. You can buy her out, which means that any equity in the home is 1/2 hers. So, let's say the home is worth $300,000 and there is a $200,000 loan on the home. That means there is $100,000 in equity, so you would owe her $50,000. At least I think that's right.

OR

2. You can suggest that you sell the house, and then she can WAIT until the home is sold and the two of you split the profit after any loans are paid off (if there is any profit). If you plan on selling the home anyway, I'd suggest this option.

[Le Corb]

She is so cruel, perhaps she does it to get over me faster, burn every single bridge she can find, like what she did to our friends when they tried to call. My friends said she spent the money already in her head, when I offered 10% of the assets, she went crazy and said she can only buy a car with it (what kind of car does she want?) and she certainly cannot travel.

 

We have no debit, loan or other liabilities. It was too trusting of me transferring the house to her name after we got married. My lawyers are saying that it does not matter, I have all the financial records showing that she contributed pretty much nothing to the purchase.

 

I don't think I will ever find anyone again after this, it really hurt my trust in people, I will probably live for another 50 or so years, its going to be a lonely life, I am scared of it.

 

I think I have really lived life, whats there left to offer?

[Mr.Harris]

She is so cruel, perhaps she does it to get over me faster, burn every single bridge she can find, like what she did to our friends when they tried to call. My friends said she spent the money already in her head, when I offered 10% of the assets, she went crazy and said she can only buy a car with it (what kind of car does she want?) and she certainly cannot travel.

 

We have no debit, loan or other liabilities. It was too trusting of me transferring the house to her name after we got married. My lawyers are saying that it does not matter, I have all the financial records showing that she contributed pretty much nothing to the purchase.

 

I don't think I will ever find anyone again after this, it really hurt my trust in people, I will probably live for another 50 or so years, its going to be a lonely life, I am scared of it.

 

I think I have really lived life, whats there left to offer?

 

Hang in there.

[robf1971]

I will probably live for another 50 or so years, its going to be a lonely life, I am scared of it.

 

I think I have really lived life, whats there left to offer?

 

In 5 years this will be a mere footnote in your mind. Trust me I've been through this in my first marriage. My ex was very similar to yours. Ten years on I can laugh about the whole thing..

[Calif_hope]

Sir, I read your thread in one sitting.

 

Harsh truth, the women who you love, the women of your memory is dead and gone and most likely never to return. The women who remains only looks like her, sounds like her, snap out of it and man up or you are going to drive yourself into the grave.

 

Look forward and quit looking at the past, quit wallowing, I know its hard but dammit man your very life seems to be at stake.

 

If your lawyers say she deserves, by law, 20%, give her the 20% and move on with your life. God she would piss on your grave if she had the opportunity and you feel guilty.

 

No more feeling sorry for yourself OK! Look forward to a better life, promise if you shake her off you will find real love, if you keep her in your life like a monkey on your back - your potential love of your life will run the other way....got it! OK then, God Bless, take care of yourself!

[Mauschen]

Dearest Le Corb,

 

I have been through a terrible marriage and divorce, and am still, years later dealing with the fallout because we have 2 children together. At this point, I no longer care about his feelings, and no longer care what he thinks of me. It has been a long road, but it isn't forever.

 

Someday you will feel the same, and fortunately for you, you don't have children with your wife so you don't have to deal with custody and child support, etc.

 

Trust in other people will return in time, especially when you meet someone who is worthy of your trust. And you will probably be much more discerning in the future too, as was I when I met my current husband. Because of our pasts, it took both of us a while to commit to each other. Someone who loves you will be willing to wait for your trust and commitment.

 

Life is not over. You can find purpose in so many areas of life, not just in your personal life. My daughter and I used to go work at the food shelf after my divorce, which was very therapeutic for me. You can do so much good for others in life, and there are so many people who care about you. Life IS worth living, and is not worth throwing away because one person betrayed you.

[Le Corb]

She increased what she is asking for by 30%... trying to get my family to pay her out straight away with a deadline.

 

I don't want my parents to be involved in this, it should be just between my ex wife and I, my family have been more than generous enough, so lucky that they did not buy the restaurant when she asked. Its all my fault that I was too trusting, after she verbally agreed about the house ownership in the event of our relationship breaks down, I did not ask her to sign a prenup. Now she is taking advantage of that, and trying to drain me financially, and emotionally destroy me at the same time, she even made a list of things of what she wants from my parents, all the shoppings that my family did for her, things she could not bring back from her holiday last year. My mother got so upset that she threw all of them out after she got out of hospital.

 

This is too much to handle, the house still needs to be cleaned up from all the renovation mess, I am still sleeping on the sofa bed, in her lawyers letter it says she wants to move her things out without me being present at the house, I am afraid that she and her family might just empty the whole house.

 

I feel horrible, everyone I know and people who I have recently met are saying that I have dodged a big bullet, I was lucky, imagine if I had children with this woman, or if she waited for the restaurant, other properties. Many people, a lot of our old friends put money together for me to fight the legal battle. How can she be so greedy and heartless? I would not even do this to someone I don't know in the streets, let along doing it to the person who you loved for 8 years, I need to bring myself to fight against her. Mediation is on the 6th of July, 2 weeks away, I really don't think that she is going to negotiate and compromise. It seems like she has spent all the money already in her head with her family.

Edited June 21, 2011 by Le Corb

[PinkInTheLimo]

LeCorb, stay strong. Don't let her steal what is yours. Take a good lawyer and strive for a fair settlement. Ask a lawyer what you can do to defend yourself. Have you changed the locks of the house? Do that so that she and her family cannot come and take everything away.

And no, your family does not have to give her anything from the presents they bought for her. She no longer deserves them.

[Mauschen]

Le Corb,

 

Her actions and demands seem out of control, and hopefully the mediator will see that. She has no right to demand ANYTHING from your parents. They are not responsible for her and do not owe her anything. You can easily make that statement to the mediator, "My parents are not involved in this divorce, and I don't believe they are responsible for providing my wife with any material or monetary items."

 

I think it'd be a good idea for you to rehearse how the mediation will go. Be sure to stay calm, collected, and speak politely but firmly. Try not to say anything emotional to or about your wife. Try "I think what I am offering is fair" rather than "she is being totally unreasonable." If your wife becomes aggressive and appears unreasonable, the mediator will recognize that.

 

Things will slowly get better for you, and I know the wait time from now until your mediation must seem like an eternity, the uncertainty is unbearable. I know because I've waited until today for a child support and custody modification hearing I've been working on since last November. And this afternoon is what it has all lead up to. There are other people who understand your pain, and who are here to help you. I care deeply about your well-being.

[Le Corb]

I have been drinking a lot, I just don't know how life can go on, didn't get back until 6am last night, it has been a few days in a roll, didn't want to go back home, I don't call the place home anymore. I feel sick, also sick of life. I am done, I have loved and I have been loved. No one will love me after this, I don't even know how to explain all this to another person, I have failed everything, I loved her with all my heart, tried to protect her, did my best to make her life better, and in the end I failed at looking after the person I care the most. Perhaps I will always love her no matter what she did, I am not a good person.

 

Hope everything went well with your child support and custody.

[trippi1432]

I have been drinking a lot,

 

So..stop...like you promised yourself you would.....unless you don't want to...and then do it because it is what YOU don't want to do....only you can change that.

 

You only control you...the other person takes from you what you freely give them Le Corb. There comes a time when you are not doing it because you love her..but because you just love..and it makes you a victim for as long as you choose to be one.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I have been drinking a lot, I just don't know how life can go on, didn't get back until 6am last night, it has been a few days in a roll, didn't want to go back home, I don't call the place home anymore. I feel sick, also sick of life. I am done, I have loved and I have been loved. No one will love me after this, I don't even know how to explain all this to another person, I have failed everything, I loved her with all my heart, tried to protect her, did my best to make her life better, and in the end I failed at looking after the person I care the most. Perhaps I will always love her no matter what she did, I am not a good person.

 

Hope everything went well with your child support and custody.

 

Le Corb, stop the drinking. It will only make things worse.

And stop beating up yourself. In a relationship you only have control over what you do and not over what the other does. You did the best you could to be a good husband but your wife was not committed enough to your marriage. This is not your fault.

 

I understand that you don't like your house anymore, too many memories. Can't you stay with friends or family for a while.

If necessary, ask your doctor to prescribe you sickleave so that you can have a break from work and maybe stay with family for a while.

 

Believe, although it is hard to see that now, you will be loved again, even more than your wife loved you.

[IfiKnewThen]

le corb ..you have some good advise on here. please hang in there and follow it. stay strong. you have allies. you have friends. even from afar. we all care. we all can relate in ONE way or another. you are not alone. we feel this alone...we experience alone...but guess what? we are NOT alone. thank God for this forum. others have come out the other side happier. hard to believe but true. what you feel is guilt and longing. you blame yourself big time. i understand that. i know i messed up. but it still takes 2. it does. when they dont communicate proper or really say shape up or i am shipping out and explain exactly why they feel this way...BEFORE the fact....they are EQUALLY to blame. i know i have been on both sides of this fence. so please

#1) blame her too. get on track and BALANCE with your thinking

2) fill up the times you long for her with GOOD HEALTHY things. not drinking!!!

 

have a good favorite meal. call a long lost friend. visit someone in a hospital. go to church..pray...fellowship anything.

 

then like it says in the bible. dont be anxious for tomorrow for tomorrow has its own sets of troubles. think on this day and get through it one day at a time.

 

remember these 2 things...."be blessed and be balanced". that will get you through. and then you will be good for another and another good for you. and you will see it. and not miss it. and she will see and find you. not your ex, but a better fit and match. and if not that , at least you can still feel joy again and not think of your ex 24/7. she is not worth all of that.

[Le Corb]

Sometimes it is so hard, I just don't know how I can move on with life anymore, I lost my job, had to turn down a 2 years contract because of this, once the house is gone, thats pretty much it.

 

Most of all I don't think I can ever trust another person again, what kind of life is that? A life without love and trust. Is that really worth living? I have contacted a few charities about bequesting my remaining assets.

 

One of the best barristers in Australia is going to represent me in court if it comes to that, I don't know how I can bring myself to fight against her, everyone around me is saying that I should play the game according her rules now and what she has been doing. I don't believe in karma, but I do want to treat people nicely, I worry about her, how can she be happy? if she keeps on doing things like this...

 

Emotionally I am nowhere ready to date, if ever, no one deserves to be dragged into all this. I am scared of being around people when I am outside, I don't know what they are going to do to me. When I am inside I feel so lonely, I can still hear her footsteps, there is really nowhere to go.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Sometimes it is so hard, I just don't know how I can move on with life anymore, I lost my job, had to turn down a 2 years contract because of this, once the house is gone, thats pretty much it.

 

Most of all I don't think I can ever trust another person again, what kind of life is that? A life without love and trust. Is that really worth living? I have contacted a few charities about bequesting my remaining assets.

 

One of the best barristers in Australia is going to represent me in court if it comes to that, I don't know how I can bring myself to fight against her, everyone around me is saying that I should play the game according her rules now and what she has been doing. I don't believe in karma, but I do want to treat people nicely, I worry about her, how can she be happy? if she keeps on doing things like this...

 

Emotionally I am nowhere ready to date, if ever, no one deserves to be dragged into all this. I am scared of being around people when I am outside, I don't know what they are going to do to me. When I am inside I feel so lonely, I can still hear her footsteps, there is really nowhere to go.

 

Le Corb, when did you lose your job? After your wife left you? Why did you turn down the other contract? Do you feel too down to take it?

 

I understand your pain but if you want to completely selfdestruct, then me nor other people cannot help you. I know how much pain all this does but do not let your wife destroy you. She is not worth it. You cannot believe it now but you will find new love and it will be better love. And at that moment you won't even care anymore about her karma, but from what you describe, karma will bite her at some point.

 

Do not give in on the financial demands of your wife. Strive for a fair settlement. You won't win anything by giving in to her wishes, she will not love you for it, only laugh behind your back that you were so stupid to give her what she wanted.

Can you take someone with you to the mediation? I would not go by myself, take family or friends with you.

[Le Corb]

I could no longer commit to deadlines after she left, so I quit without letting anyone down, I was offered a new contract soon after I got out of the hospital, I could not take it.

 

You are right, self-destruction will not solve the problem. She will get 100% of everything if I do that. I will stay strong and fight for the case, at least for my family, they don't deserve to be treated like this. She has been laughing since day 1, when she called the police, my wife was inside playing cards with her sister and laughing; her mother laughed at me on the phone when I found the letter on the table; so was her dad, he said if I still feel upset, I should go back to the hospital, not outside and laughed.

 

Even the mediator is shocked by what happened, he said if I feel uncomfortable in any ways he will stop the meeting straight away or he will conduct the mediation in separate rooms if my stbxw acts unreasonably.

 

I cannot take anyone into the mediation room, not even my lawyer. I don't want to bother family and friends, they will have to sit outside for 2 hours...

 

I will stop drinking and get ready for mediation, she and her family have been utterly awful. I am going to play her game according her rules. I still don't know why and how she can be so heartless and cruel, I don't ever want to know the logic behind how one can treat another human being like this.

 

My focus should be the settlement now, any suggestions will be really appreciated in term of negotiation and how should I approach it. She and her family are Not getting what they are asking for.

Edited June 26, 2011 by Le Corb

[doublerince]

Le Corb, this is heartbreak. I am so very sorry you had to experience this. I hope you are finding support now, that you can voice your pain, and try to think things through. We are pulling for you.

[doublerince]

Wow! I love what I "hear" here from you, Le Corb!! I just read through the entire thread, and I was very, very, very worried about your safety from yourself. I hear some fighting spirit now. Please know that there are reasons for hope, and a good life is ahead of you. It may be different from what your pictures in your mind were, but still good and full. I am separated right now as well, waiting on the legal proceedings. When I get really down and overwhelmed, I try to think of what I would tell my dearest friend or brother or sister if they were in my shoes. It helps me get outside my own head for a while, and gain better perspective.

I will be waiting for you updates. Keep your chin up.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I cannot take anyone into the mediation room, not even my lawyer. I don't want to bother family and friends, they will have to sit outside for 2 hours...

 

Le Corb, I really would ask a friend or a family member to be at least there when you come out of this mediation. And I am sure they will not be bothered to wait for 2 hours for you. The most important thing is that there is someone who can support you after the mediation which will be very hard on you.

 

I would also try to find a new occupation during the day, even if it is only volunteering or cooking classes (just to name something). It's not good that you don't work now, I understand that you don't feel up to it but try to find an occupation during the day which gives you some structure and company. Being on your own the whole time will only make things harder for you.

 

I think that you need to go into the mediation expecting the worst and realizing that your wife is not interested in a fair settlement. She has decided to get the most out of you. It's horrible but face it, that's better than having the hope that she will be reasonable.

[Le Corb]

Thanks doublerince,

 

Sometimes I really wonder did she even grieve the loss of me, how could she fake it so well for months, I and many people I spoke to cannot even do it for 2 days. I wish I knew what to advice to people who might be in my situation, I am still trying to figure out the logic behind all this, what really makes a person to treat another human being this way. It is not normal. The more I step outside the more brutal and heartless the whole thing seems.

[Le Corb]

Hi PinkInTheLimo,

 

I will ask my friends and family, I should expect the worst during mediation, based on previous experience not only she will verbally attack me, but also try to push me to agree on an unfair settlement. When I was in hospital all she cared was if I sign a settlement too early while I was in hospital I could come back later and challenge it on medical grounds. (she initiated the legal and mediation process when I was under 24 hours care).

 

I shall ask around about volunteering at different places. Thanks again.

[robf1971]

not only she will verbally attack me, but also try to push me to agree on an unfair settlement.

 

Remember it's just words, and she can't make you agree an unfair settlement, you have to allow it.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Hi PinkInTheLimo,

 

I will ask my friends and family, I should expect the worst during mediation, based on previous experience not only she will verbally attack me, but also try to push me to agree on an unfair settlement. When I was in hospital all she cared was if I sign a settlement too early while I was in hospital I could come back later and challenge it on medical grounds. (she initiated the legal and mediation process when I was under 24 hours care).

 

I shall ask around about volunteering at different places. Thanks again.

 

Glad to hear that you will ask someone to accompany you. I am sure they will want to do that. Hey, I'm sure the people here would even want to do that because your story has touched us, if you were not in such a remote part of the world .

[Mauschen]

Le Corb,

 

I also like what I am hearing from you, and I think of you often. You can get through this, and after mediation most of the uncertainty in your life will be gone, and you will be more free to move on.

 

I also think that you should find something meaningful to do during the day. I used to volunteer my time during my divorce, which helped me realize that my situation wasn't nearly as bad as some. I know that is a strange way to heal, but it helped me.

 

Do hang in there. I will be rooting for you!

[Downtown]

I am still trying to figure out the logic behind all this, what really makes a person to treat another human being this way. It is not normal. The more I step outside the more brutal and heartless the whole thing seems.

Le Corb, you already figured it out. You just don't want to believe it. Seven weeks ago you acknowledged your W has been diagnosed with having Asperger Syndrome, which is actually a mild form of autism. The most dysfunctional aspect of AS is the lack of empathy, which easily explains why your W has shown no caring or interest in your feelings. The AS also can explain her single-minded focus on the divorce process, even while you were lying sick and distraught in the hospital. One hallmark of AS is having an obsessive preoccupation with one narrow issue for an extended period of time.

 

Moreover, as we discussed seven weeks ago, it sounds like she may also have mild to strong BPD traits. If so, that would help explain some of her other behaviors: feeling that you are controlling her, inability to accept criticism, and repeatedly locking you out of the car and driving off. Of course, although AS and BPD can explain much of her cruel and selfish behavior, it certainly does not excuse any of it. If she is to have any chance of confronting and learning to control her disorders, she must be held accountable for her actions. That is, you must allow her to suffer the logical consequences of her own choices.

I don't think I can ever trust another person again.... I am scared of being around people when I am outside, I don't know what they are going to do to me.

Nonsense. You conceded seven weeks ago that your W is impaired by Asperger Syndrome and seems to have several strong BPD traits as well. Yet, for nearly two months, you've been wailing about never being able to trust another woman again. It is irrational to conclude, based on a failed marriage to a very emotionally disturbed woman, that you can do no better with a healthy woman. Hence, your repeated insistence that this is true -- about two dozen times -- strongly indicates that you yourself have an issue you should be working very hard to correct when you see your therapist.