Is this marriage savable?

[robf1971]

Thanks everyone,

 

Received an email from her today, she said she is coming over with removalists next month to move all the furnitures, she sent me a list of the things she wants from the house from dinner table, bookshelves to tupperware, glasses, blanket and even couch cover.

 

She wants to move all the things without me being present at the house and she also wants me to ask our friends to deliver the things from her urgent list to her ASAP, such as her computer, desk, printer, etc.

 

After that in term of living furnitures I will only have a tv, kettle, a coffee table and hopefully some cutleries left pretty much.

 

What should I do?

 

What is she legally entitled to?

 

Your response should be as always... "Please call my lawyer". I would say with confidence that as of this moment she is not (yet) legally enitled to any of it. For her to remove this would constitute theft. Your lawyer needs to draft her a letter explaining this and that if she does turn up the police will be called.

 

Anyway what I'm saying is that what she gets is for the courts to decide. Stand up for yourself on this!!

[PinkInTheLimo]

Thanks everyone,

 

Received an email from her today, she said she is coming over with removalists next month to move all the furnitures, she sent me a list of the things she wants from the house from dinner table, bookshelves to tupperware, glasses, blanket and even couch cover.

 

She wants to move all the things without me being present at the house and she also wants me to ask our friends to deliver the things from her urgent list to her ASAP, such as her computer, desk, printer, etc.

 

After that in term of living furnitures I will only have a tv, kettle, a coffee table and hopefully some cutleries left pretty much.

 

What should I do?

 

Speak to your lawyer.

 

Do not let her in the house without you being there. You can't trust her, unfortunately.

It seems to me that she has no right to take things which belong to you both. Only what she had before the marriage and what she bought with her own money belongs to her.

 

Be careful, Le Corb, do not give in to this woman, she will try and try and try to get as much out of you as she can. Don't let her do that. She's trying to make arrangements with you behind the back of the mediator.

 

Tell her to not contact you privately anymore, tell her that you are currently in the mediation process and that everything should be discussed there.

 

It's very tough, I know, but you need to protect yourself from this woman I think.

[Le Corb]

Thanks for the advice.

 

I wrote her an email back, stating that she cannot take anything before the settlement, we are still in the mediation process, and I would much prefer to be present or have our lawyers there when she comes with the moving company and a detailed inventory will need to be signed off as well.

 

I feel horrible that it is her birthday today, I wish I could help her but I cannot and I should NOT, she is doing whatever she can to hurt me, I feel like I don't have a heart anymore, I gave it to her and she threw it over a cliff, I am just cold and numb...

[Lisa_H]

Thanks for the advice.

 

I wrote her an email back, stating that she cannot take anything before the settlement, we are still in the mediation process, and I would much prefer to be present or have our lawyers there when she comes with the moving company and a detailed inventory will need to be signed off as well.

 

I feel horrible that it is her birthday today, I wish I could help her but I cannot and I should NOT, she is doing whatever she can to hurt me, I feel like I don't have a heart anymore, I gave it to her and she threw it over a cliff, I am just cold and numb...

 

You did the right thing! Be strong! The cold and numbness will fade - when everything is settled it will be easier to look forward.

 

Every state is different with laws and ultimately the judge will decide what happens. When I went through my divorce, he was entitled to half of everything -- even if I had before the marriage. The attorney told me once you are married and asset becomes both of yours.

 

Once we worked through the details is wasn't too awful.

 

Don't let he take more than she is entitled to. You are doing great and things will get easier.

 

Hang in there - focus on yourself and stay positive!

 

Keep us updated.

[Mauschen]

Le Corb,

 

How are you doing? I hope well. I see that you are getting stronger and I am proud of you!

 

Mauschen

[Le Corb]

The second mediation is on Wednesday next week. I walked around in the city on her birthday, sat in front of the restaurant where we celebrated her birthday together 8 years ago and cried. If I could go back in time I would, even if its just for a day. I am still trying my best to be heartless, its terrible to treat another human being like this. Some parts of me want to help her, perhaps she is looking for a new place to live with her new bf if she is seeing someone, then she will probably need all the furnitures and cutleries. The another part me does not want to help her at all, she has been horrible, I have made many attempts to try to solve this in a civil manner, she rejected all of them before I even had a chance to speak to her, she made one of the biggest decisions in ones life without even talking to me, she would just ask her mother or brother to tell me no, why shouldn't I play the game according her rules, I need to protect myself, I am just afraid of being hurt again, I am feel scared sometimes when I walk in the streets, I think people might attack me and do things to hurt me on purposes.

Edited July 21, 2011 by Le Corb

[Mauschen]

Le Corb,

 

I am sorry to hear that you're feeling so vulnerable. Things will get better after all of your negotiations are complete.

 

Stay strong and do some things you enjoy...at first you will just be going through the motions, but eventually you will enjoy life again.

[Le Corb]

Ever since this happened, I just lost trust in people, I am just seeing a few friends, I am afraid of meeting new people, I don't think I will ever be in a relationship again, I don't want to be tortured again.

 

It feels like I only trust the lawyers now to make one person's life horrible, and that person happened to be the one who I love the most. Sometimes I feel like I am just a lifeless puppet.

[Le Corb]

Ran into her by accident yesterday at a gallery opening, I saw her across the room, she smiled at me and left after the opening speech.

 

Seeing her again on wednesday, don't know what to expect, the last request from her was she wants my/our friends (who she has cut all contacts with) to deliver a list of things for her from the house asap. (winter clothes, pc, computer desk etc.) She wanted to come over with her brother and her sisters druggie boyfriend to move things without me being present, I said no because I was afraid that they might change the locks, push me out of the house and call the police again. After she has taken all the things on her list, I wont even have a bed to sleep in.

[Le Corb]

We had very limited contacts, only met twice in the past 19 weeks, had about 10 phone calls, and a few text messages from her, 90% of the time is about financial settlement. So far these are the reasons why she left -

 

First 6 weeks - according to the letter she left

1. My anxiety

2. She wants to be alone, does not want to be in a relationship anymore.

 

7th week - when we met in person

 

3. Verbal abuse after reading patricia evans

 

4. I stop her from seeing her friends. On one occasion I did not offer to pay for dinner for a friend of hers. (later she dismissed it as after checking with her friend I did offer to pay the bills, at the end it was the friend who canceled that day.)

 

8th week - over some phone conversations

 

5. I did not buy that one pair of pants she liked for her, I was controlling her appearance.

 

6. We did not travel and have holidays every year.

 

7. We did not attend a series of philosophy night classes during the renovation.

 

8. I did not respect her family. (I used to see them every second week.)

 

9. She felt like she had no freedom, she could not go to late night gigs and drink, I would be concerned about her catching the train back late by herself.

 

16th week - according to the letter from her lawyer

10. She had to drive me around sometimes, I was too depended on her, she did all the grocery shopping.

 

11. She had to call overseas art dealers sometimes after midnight, because of the time difference, it affected her sleep and study.

 

12. She had to look after me because I was too anxiety during the renovation.

 

17th week - reasons she told me at the first mediation

 

13. Because we went out for dinner every night for 2 months, it affected her personal life, she put on weight, she could not study. (now she is changing her university major for the 4th time in 8 years.)

 

14. She left because she did not want to help to clean the renovation mess, it would be too hard to wipe the floor by hands.

 

...still counting...

Edited July 24, 2011 by Le Corb

[PinkInTheLimo]

Le Corb, it seems to me that she is now looking for reasons to justify her behaviour. Whatever her complaints were, she could have voiced them when she was in your marriage.

And what is this crap about you not buying her a certain pair of pants. Why did she not get a job so that she could buy whatever clothes she wanted to wear?

 

In any case, even if she was not satisfied with your marriage, the way she left you was horrible. Without any warning, leaving you traumatised.

 

You are right not to let her in the house, first an inventory has to be made of what is common property, your property and her property and then you can decide on a fair distribution. I know you feel bad about taking a tough stance with her but it is good that you protect yourself. You cannot trust her. If she was trustworthy, she would never have left you the way she did.

 

Hang in there, Le Corb, we are here to support you.

[Le Corb]

On that occasion, she tried on this pair of trousers at one of the designer stores that she likes, she asked for my opinion, I said it did not look good on her, it was very silly of me to say that, then she threw the pair of pants on the counter and stormed out of the shop.

 

She was working part time, if she really liked that pair of trousers that much, of course we would have bought it, she didn't say anything just walked out and got angry. She had the bank card to our joint bank account, she could take out money if she wanted to, now she is saying that she didnt remember the password.

[PinkInTheLimo]

On that occasion, she tried on this pair of trousers at one of the designer stores that she likes, she asked for my opinion, I said it did not look good on her, it was very silly of me to say that, then she threw the pair of pants on the counter and stormed out of the shop.

 

She was working part time, if she really liked that pair of trousers that much, of course we would have bought it, she didn't say anything just walked out and got angry. She had the bank card to our joint bank account, she could take out money if she wanted to, now she is saying that she didnt remember the password.

 

It seems to me that your wife acted in a childish way in this particular incident. If you ask someone if they like certain clothes on you, you should always be prepared to hear either "yes" or "no".

The way you are telling this, it does not seem to me that you prevented her at all costs to by that particular pair of pants.

[Lisa_H]

You need to focus on YOU and getting you healthy and happy. She has made her decision and it does not matter WHY.... she doesn't even truly know why. It obviously is not over a pair of pants.

 

There were problems and lack of communication early on in the relationship and the foundation was not strong enough to make it through.

 

The best thing you can do is make yourself the strong, happy, healthy man you deserve to be - so you can move forward with your life whether it be alone or with someone - you deserve to be happy.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Le Corb, it is Wednesday morning here in Europe but I realize that down under you are already ahead of us. How was it and how are you doing? It must have been again a difficult confrontation for you. I hope for you that this whole thing can soon be finalised so that you are totally free to move on.

[remon01]

My wife and I have been living together for 8 years, married for 4. Six weeks ago, on a Saturday morning, she said that she was going for a walk, and never came back.

 

She only left a letter on the table, saying that the marriage is over, it is beyond counseling and reconciliation. The two reasons being

1. She does not want to be married anymore, just wants to be alone...

2. I was being too anxious during our 10 months renovation.

 

It came out of the blue all the sudden she just turned into a different person, the day before we were seeing friends, and having dinner together in town celebrating the completion of our renovation at home, we were planning to have a party, many friends were invited, the renovation finished on Friday and she left the next day, the house is still a mess. She said in the letter that she has been planning this for months, and faked the relationship since the start of the year, she has been moving her cloth out slowly bits by bits, none of our friends and families (even her family) noticed anything, she did not tell me or anyone, she said that if she did I would not let her go, and I would suggest counseling.

 

I just do not know what I did wrong, what have I done would hurt her this much? She has been extremely cold and cruel, the day before she was loving and caring, ever since she walked off, she just turned into a completely different person. I was in hospital in a week being treated for shock, she did not call or visit, only sent me a text message asking me to change the phone bill to my name so she does not need to pay for the phone service at our house, since she no longer lives there. She moved to her brother and sister's house, I tried to visit and talk to her in person, but they called the police on me (there was no violence, just me asking to speak to my wife in person).

 

Now she only calls me (when she feels like it), only to discuss about the property settlement and the financial side of things in regard to divorce. I tried to talk to her about the relationship and the possibility of reconciliation, but she said she has made up her mind, its too late, this is her final decision.

 

There was not much bitterness beforehand, it was a very stressful renovation, we had problem with asbestos (popcorn ceilings), as a result we had to move out of the bedroom and sleep in the lounge room for a few months, until the professional company removed the materials. I was very cautious to protect her from the danger, somehow she thought it was all unnecessary and controlling, since I did ask her not to go to that end of the house until the asbestos is properly removed, she just didn't listen to me. After the removal we hired people to renovate everything, now it is all finished and fittings are brand new. We had some arguments like all couples do during the renovation, and said hurtful things to each other, but nothing would make me think that the marriage was going to end. She did not need to do anything during the renovation period, I made all the phone calls and supervised all the works, we went out for dinner every night in the last 2 months, so she did not need to cook at home at all, I tried to make it as less stressful for her as possible. Maybe she thought I was too focused on the renovation, and did not pay attention to her? and didn't make her feel like she was loved?

 

I still do not understand, I was anxious about the asbestos problem, made many inquires to professionals, to make sure that everything is done properly, considering we were talking about having children, we even decided the names for a boy and a girl... No one would leave a eight years relationship over anxiety?! Most of all she did not even say anything about it, if the problem bothered her that much? she has never sat down with me and discuss about any of her concerns.

 

Somehow she thinks that she lost her liberty and freedom in the marriage, I have never stopped her from seeing her friends, we often visited her family at least once a month.

 

She said that she wants to live on her own, no longer willing to be in a marriage anymore. It does not make much sense, she said she is not having an affair, there is no third party involved and she does not want to re-partner or remarry in the foreseeable future.

 

I still do not know what happened, I trusted her 100%, even transfered the house to her name when we got married. I am not an alcoholic, drug addict or gambler, I don't smoke. I have never cheated on her, I did all the cleaning at home, swiped the driveway, (she did washing and cooking), we went out for dinner at least twice a week, I bought her new designer cloth every month.

 

Now she wants a quick settlement of 30-40%, although I paid for most of the things, now she is being extremely cruel and rude, asking my family to pay her out straight away if I do not want to sell the house quickly, even though I paid for the house in full as well as the renovation.

 

Ever since she left she just turned into a completely different person, coldblooded, cruel, blaming everything on me and her whole family is doing exactly the same. Now when I think back, in the last a couple of months from time to time she would just come back home angry after work, and pick a fight on me for no reason; sex was cold, she had no passion in the end, sometimes she would just say she does not feel like it or it is too painful it hurts. I still cannot believe that she faked the relationship for 3 months, waited until the renovation was finished. Whenever our friends try to call her, she would just hang up on them. She has only phoned me 6 times and sent me a few text messages, all in regard to the property settlement and money. She told me that she made her decision knowing that she would lose most of her friends from the past 8 years, and it would set her back many years, but she still accepted the price that she had to pay.

 

She said she does not love me anymore, she just fell out of love because of my anxiety... it is all too late, it is beyond counseling.

 

I still love her very much and I still have feelings for her, I cannot believe what happened, she just left all the sudden, even her own family was shocked initially, now they are ganging up against me, my wife is saying that it is all my fault, my anxiety drove her to the edge?!

 

Is this marriage savable? Many of the things just do not make sense.

 

It has been 1 and half months now... I am out of the hospital, and on many medications to survive and to sleep. I just cannot bare to live here anymore, we bought everything together in this house, even the teaspoons, I cannot even have a cup of coffee without thinking of her. I wish she could come back.

 

Yeah!! its a common affair of the world.and But i dont like it.

 

thanks

Author

[Kitsune77]

Dearest Le Corb,

I have read through all your posts, and my heart goes out to you. There's just a few things I would like you to think about, and please really think about them, and hopefully they will answer some of your questions for you. I have a theory that people don't suddenly change, the signs are usually there, we tend to be too blinded by love and our own projections to see them at the time.

 

Here are some things you have mentioned that has happened in the last 8 years with your wife:

You and your family supported her & her family financially

You constantly bought her designer clothes, shoes, but not much for yourself.

She went on holidays without you (paid for by you, no doubt)

She didn't want to help you clean the floor because of the asbestos( which she originally said wasn't a big deal, and you were overreacting about)

She threw a temper tantrum over a pair of pants.

If you didn't agree with her, she would throw a temper tantrum, and lock you out of the car, and drive off.Or she would make a disparaging remark about your feelings.

 

And Quote "Now I look back, it feels like even if she said something, it would be something like, we either go overseas this year or get a divorce; we either go to this restaurant I like or get a divorce; Lets sleep with asbestos during renovation or get a divorce; I need more money I can spend on things I like and buy whatever I want or separate; I want to take my friends out for dinner, whether I pay for it or get a divorce; they are the reasons that she has been telling me on the phone in term of why she left, along with verbal abuse, whatever I said in regard to the above is now verbal abuse. Also those smallest things, like I said no to one pair of pants she liked; I don't like some songs in her cd collection; We didn't go to the lecture that she wanted to attend; She didn't go overseas or interstate for holiday this year; I complained that I didn't eat at our wedding, because her sister sat in my chair most of the time; the list goes on, things that I didn't even take notice."

 

Dear Le Cord, she has ALWAYS been selfish, spoilt and manipulative....this is NOT new behaviour, and by the sounds of it, you have always given to in to her, spoilt her and sacrificed for her. So my dearest man, don't you see that neither of your behaviours have actually changed? She is used to taking from you, you are used to giving to her, so both of you are still doing the same thing. She has spent 8 years manipulating you and training you how to treat her, mainly through guilt, and you are still in that way of relating to her.

I don't want to be harsh , but what you feel for her sounds more like co-dependency.

 

And also quoted below from your post I am adding my 2 cents worth in, in bold:)

.1. My anxiety, of course your bloody anxious, your living with a controlling, unsporting wife, in a poisoned house(which she doesn't believe is poisened ) and doing all the renovations

2. She wants to be alone, does not want to be in a relationship anymore.( Are you now beginning to see why she waited until the house was renovated , and worth more, to say this)

 

7th week - when we met in person

 

3. Verbal abuse after reading patricia evans( You ex wife is still trying to control how you think/ feel/ react by making you read this)

 

4. I stop her from seeing her friends. On one occasion I did not offer to pay for dinner for a friend of hers. (later she dismissed it as after checking with her friend I did offer to pay the bills, at the end it was the friend who canceled that day.)Poor hardly done by baby, she couldn't get to have dinner with a friend, yes that's defiantly worth gutting someone over.

 

8th week - over some phone conversations

 

5. I did not buy that one pair of pants she liked for her, I was controlling her appearance.Again, she should be bloody grateful you buy her clothes, what has she bought for you? And if I remember rightly, she stormed out, which must have been embarrassing for you.

 

6. We did not travel and have holidays every year. Again, poor, poor baby. If she wanted holidays so much, why didn't she get a job, and pay for them?

 

7. We did not attend a series of philosophy night classes during the renovation. Oh Le Corb, are you beginning to see the ridiculousness of this?

 

8. I did not respect her family. (I used to see them every second week.) Where they worthy of respect?

 

9. She felt like she had no freedom, she could not go to late night gigs and drink, I would be concerned about her catching the train back late by herself. If she was raped, imagine the emotional blame you would have coped then.

 

16th week - according to the letter from her lawyer

 

10. She had to drive me around sometimes, I was too depended on her, she did all the grocery shopping. Oh God, she didnt work , did she, and if she did, so what?

 

11. She had to call overseas art dealers sometimes after midnight, because of the time difference, it affected her sleep and study.

 

12. She had to look after me because I was too anxiety during the renovation.What did she do to look afer you? And isnt that what you do in a marriage anyway?

 

17th week - reasons she told me at the first mediation

 

13. Because we went out for dinner every night for 2 months, it affected her personal life, she put on weight, she could not study. (now she is changing her university major for the 4th time in 8 years.)Gosh, that must be soo hard, having a husband that takes you out to dinner. Did you force feed her also?

 

14. She left because she did not want to help to clean the renovation mess, it would be too hard to wipe the floor by hands. really, does this sound like the actions of a loving, caring woman you want to spen the rest of your life with?

 

...still counting...

 

I cant respond to any more, its too ridiculous, She is a spoilt, nasty, self centred child making demands. . LC, can you see a pattern here? I'm not saying she didn't ever love you, ( If thats love, I would hate to see how your enemies treat you)but I have met a few people like her in my time (strangely enough, all born in the some month) and they are ruthless in using people for what they want, and then when their wants change, or they no longer need that person for whatever reason, they dump the person. And have to turn it on the other.

 

Again I will say it, she HAS NOT turned into a different person, she has always been this way, she just doesn't have any need for you now. She has also done it to your friends, by dumping them, and then expecting them to get her stuff from the house. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, I, and the others here want you to wake up.....the dream has ended, and yes it is in some ways worse than a death, grieve, and protect yourself whilst grieving. Realise that you may never have really known her, I don;t know if we ever can really know another person completly anyway.

 

Also Le Cord, please start getting angry. This guilt you feel is crazy. She has not been abused, actually you are the one that is abusing yourself, by thinking the way you do about yourself.

 

You have done nothing wrong, she has been manipulating you so long, you cant see it. Its not she cant communicate, shes secretive, with a hidden agenda, and chooses not to.

 

You say you don't want to treat her with a lack of love.....you are treating yourself with a huge lack of love. You need to start respecting yourself. I know its hard, and it hurts, but you cannot continue to be her doormat, get bloody angry, I am and I don't even know you.

 

Others here have given you good advise, please take it. And please see another councilor, a CBT counselor would be good, or there is a therapy called " The work" which helped me greatly in a similar situation.

 

Remember, you only ever see in someone what is in yourself, so all the beauty, love, kindness, and everything else you said was in her, was you just seeing a reflection of yourself.

 

My heart goes out to you....please, get yourself up, stop drinking, its a depressant. Think of the day that your life is powering (great job, fantastic wife and family, beautiful house) and she comes begging back, which she more than likely will. and you will just look at her, and think "thank God I,m no longer there". She is not a healthy person, and in my experiance with people like this, they don't go on to live happy lives. They continue to use everyone around them. And if you give her all your money, she wont love you again, or think your a great guy, she wont even acknowlage it, she thinks its her right to have it.

 

Le Corb, the future ith a normal loving woman can be yours, You know the signs now to avoid in future relationships, (drama queen, always blaming others, selfish, lack of communication, cant take criticism, secretive, no ability to follow things through, not listening to you) so you have a guide to go by, which means that you CAN trust yourself to love again. Actually, after you are through this, you will find that you will trust your instincts more.

 

So the opposite of your relationship with your wife would be: calm, listens to others , good communication, ability to work through things, loyal, self reflects, not secretive, knuckles down and helps you, works as a team, show love through actions, not just words. Le Cord, who do you think this describes? it describes you, NOT your ex wife.

 

Now is the time to start.good luck, and please, please start respecting yourself.

[Le Corb]

Thank you all for the messages, Kitsune77, Pink, Lisa.

 

The mediation session didn't go well at all. I told her that she cannot take anything from the house before settlement, now she is going to evict me from the house (which I paid in full with no mortgage, I was too stupid and trusting by transferring it to her name after we got married.)

 

Seems like it is going to be a long process, she is not willing to compromise on the payout, still insisting on the same large sum. I was quite shocked by how she behaved and articulated herself yesterday, she even said "pretty please" when she was asking for all these things, even the mediators were surprised, I told her that I have been saying yes to that question for 8 years, sorry I am going to say no this time. In a way I am just glad that I got out of this relationship, she said some of the most selfish comments I have ever heard in my life so far. She is even blaming me for the fact that none of our friends wants to help her to delivery her stuffs. She told me that the reason why she called the police was because of she was too tired on the day she left, and she was having dinner with her brother and sister (later on playing cards), she had a morning flight to catch to leave the state the next day to see her parents, so she called the police because she didn't want to talk to me. I gave up on searching for reasons.

 

Now she is sending a moving company over on sunday at 10:00am, I need to move my things out in 2 days before she takes them all. Many friends are going to hire trucks to help.

 

She really showed her true colours yesterday, she never thinks about other people, its all about her, you are absolutely right Kitsune77, she was always like that, I was blinded by love and some of her good qualities, but she is one of the most selfish people I have ever come across, if things do not go her way, she just throws a temper tantrum and walks away, she was doing that since we were dating, I thought it was just her unique way of dealing with stress, now after speaking to psychologists and people like you her behaviors are not normal. I should be happy that I am out of this relationship, no one deserves to be treated like this. Her whole immediate family is like that, all have conflict avoidance problems, co-dependent, the mother still changes the bed for her 26 years old brother (no disability) and cleans the house for them every a few months (the parents moved out of their own home), whenever there is a problem instead of solving it, they would just remove themselves or other people.

 

Somehow I don't think she even knows the reason why, she was unhappy and just blamed me for everything that she was unhappy with, such as being fired from her job, not able to finish her degree 3 times in a roll, she didnt ask herself why, instead it was all my fault, I didnt get the renovation done in time, while she was planning the divorce and visiting legal aids behind everyone when I was supervising the whole process. It was just heartless and nasty, I still do not understand how can a human being fake her emotions so well. How manipulative is that. She dumped me as soon as she got the permanent part time job early this year.

 

I cannot be her doormat anymore, she can communicate, indeed she just didn't want to, she even said herself that if she talked to me about ending the marriage I would ask her to transfer the house back to my name, then she will not get as much as she hoped for. In the letter she said she waited until the renovation is finished, so "I can happily live there by myself", how can anyone live there happily after what she did? the value of the house has certainly gone up.

 

I feel sorry already for the person who she is going to be with next. She is going to ruin his life too, and most of all she can never be happy, I don't know how can anyone be happy after doing something she did.

 

Thank you so much for your kind support, now I need to focus on myself. The hardest for me now is searching for closure, after 8 years I did not even get a chance to say goodbye to the person who I truly loved. We did have some wonderful time together, it is hard to separate those good memories from what she did, they are too contradictive.

Edited July 28, 2011 by Le Corb

[PinkInTheLimo]

Le Corb, I don't understand this. How on earth could she evict you from a house you own together???

And how can she enter a house she left? Even if she shows up with a moving company, that still does not give her the right to enter your house?

Change the locks, go to the police and warn them about what will happen. Have you been to the police to make them record the fact that she left (that is how it would be done in my country I think).

 

I would do everything possible to prevent her from entering the house. But if it is not possible, empty the house totally apart from her stuff. But honestly, I am not sure she can enter the house like that if she left you on her own initiative.

 

Please talk immediately to your lawyer about this.

 

She declared war to you. Time for you to defend yourself with all means possible.

Edited July 28, 2011 by PinkInTheLimo

[LifesontheUp]

The mediation session didn't go well at all. I told her that she cannot take anything from the house before settlement, now she is going to evict me from the house (which I paid in full with no mortgage, I was too stupid and trusting by transferring it to her name after we got married

 

Yikes! Get legal advice fast please! She left you didn't she?

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

[Downtown]

I thought it was just her unique way of dealing with stress, now after speaking to psychologists and people like you her behaviors are not normal.

Le Corb, as I discussed last May in this thread, your W is not behaving normally. She not only has been diagnosed as having Aspergers Disorder but also seems to be exhibiting many strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Those posts start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3388237#post3388237. As I explained then, vindictiveness and meanness are hallmarks of having such strong traits because a BPDer's perception of your intentions is distorted, resulting in her seeing you as either "all good" or "all bad." When she thinks you are "all bad," she considers you to be "Hitler" and will treat you accordingly.

 

This is why I encouraged you then -- and am still encouraging you now -- to participate in the "Leaving a BPDer" message board at BPDfamily.com. At that board, you can get support and tips from a hundred other young men who are going through the same painful process of leaving a vindictive, verbally abusive BPDer.

 

This support is important to have because, if your W is a BPDer, the divorce almost certainly will be extremely nasty. In my case, "nasty" means that my exW had me arrested on a bogus charge so -- before I could get out of jail three days later -- she could obtain a restraining order barring me from my own home for 18 months (the time it takes to get divorced in this State).

 

Although there is nothing "normal" about having strong BPD traits, it is not uncommon. A recent study of nearly 35,000 adults found that 6% of the population has a lifetime incidence of BPD at the diagnostic level. When you add in the BPDers falling short of that level (but who are extremely difficult to live with), the incidence may easily exceed 1 out of 8 people, being more common than left-handedness.

[Kitsune77]

For standing up tp yourself, and seeing the past in a differant way. Its not that you are becoming mean, you are just getting some objective clarity on her behaviour. She probably has a pattern of alienting people from her past.

 

I have great experiance with people like this, whether they are Personality Disorder, Aspergers , or just plain selfish. My mother has BPDS, and my brother Aspergers.

 

Dealing with someone that is a manipulative drama queen really does your head in, as children, and adults, my family and I were terrified of disagreeing with my mother on the slightest thing, as the hysterical fallout was too terrifying.

 

I don't think your wife can kick you out of the house, and she sounds like shes living in a fantasy world if she thinks she can. What do your lawyers say?

 

Ive got to run now, please keep me posted, you may not feel like it at the moment, but I thik you are really turning a corner. And its nice to see you not drowning in guilt. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

[Kitsune77]

Thank you all for the messages, Kitsune77, Pink, Lisa.

 

The mediation session didn't go well at all. I told her that she cannot take anything from the house before settlement, now she is going to evict me from the house (which I paid in full with no mortgage, I was too stupid and trusting by transferring it to her name after we got married.)

 

Seems like it is going to be a long process, she is not willing to compromise on the payout, still insisting on the same large sum. I was quite shocked by how she behaved and articulated herself yesterday, she even said "pretty please" when she was asking for all these things, even the mediators were surprised, I told her that I have been saying yes to that question for 8 years, sorry I am going to say no this time. In a way I am just glad that I got out of this relationship, she said some of the most selfish comments I have ever heard in my life so far. She is even blaming me for the fact that none of our friends wants to help her to delivery her stuffs. She told me that the reason why she called the police was because of she was too tired on the day she left, and she was having dinner with her brother and sister (later on playing cards), she had a morning flight to catch to leave the state the next day to see her parents, so she called the police because she didn't want to talk to me. I gave up on searching for reasons. She is ruthless

 

Now she is sending a moving company over on sunday at 10:00am, I need to move my things out in 2 days before she takes them all. Many friends are going to hire trucks to help. This I dont understand, do you have to move? What happened to the list of things she was supposed to take? Le Corb, I have a bad feeling about this....my husband and I went into a bussiness partnership with someone like your wife, it was a nightmare, we lost the bussiness, because of his drama, he endlessly blamed us, we had to declare bankrupcy, and he walked away with everything....years later he was still contacting us about what he thought we owed him (this was my husbands best friend, BTW)

 

I am very worried she is going to screw you financially .

 

She really showed her true colours yesterday, she never thinks about other people, its all about her, you are absolutely right Kitsune77, she was always like that, I was blinded by love and some of her good qualities, but she is one of the most selfish people I have ever come across, if things do not go her way, she just throws a temper tantrum and walks away, she was doing that since we were dating, I thought it was just her unique way of dealing with stress, now after speaking to psychologists and people like you her behaviors are not normal. Her behavoiur is normal for a spoilt brat.I should be happy that I am out of this relationship, no one deserves to be treated like this. Her whole immediate family is like that, all have conflict avoidance problems, co-dependent, the mother still changes the bed for her 26 years old brother (no disability) and cleans the house for them every a few months (the parents moved out of their own home), whenever there is a problem instead of solving it, they would just remove themselves or other people.

 

Somehow I don't think she even knows the reason why, she was unhappy and just blamed me for everything that she was unhappy with, such as being fired from her job, not able to finish her degree 3 times in a roll, she didnt ask herself why, instead it was all my fault, I didnt get the renovation done in time, while she was planning the divorce and visiting legal aids behind everyone when I was supervising the whole process. It was just heartless and nasty, I still do not understand how can a human being fake her emotions so well. How manipulative is that. She dumped me as soon as she got the permanent part time job early this year.

 

As I said before, she sounds like she has a history of this, the man I mentioned always blamed other people for his problems, he is 55 now, still doing the same thing, and has alianated everyone around him. He can be extremely charming when he wants something, but at the end of the day, if he doesnt have a use for you (emotional, financial, sexual, whatever) he is really nasty, and dumps the person.

 

I cannot be her doormat anymore, she can communicate, indeed she just didn't want to, she even said herself that if she talked to me about ending the marriage I would ask her to transfer the house back to my name, then she will not get as much as she hoped for. This is what i thought....In the letter she said she waited until the renovation is finished, so "I can happily live there by myself", how can anyone live there happily after what she did? the value of the house has certainly gone up. You know, its a good thing she has put this in a letter, it clearly states how manipulative it is. I would be tempted to sue her for emotional damages, cruelty, false impisonemt if I was you...

 

I feel sorry already for the person who she is going to be with next. She is going to ruin his life too, and most of all she can never be happy, I don't know how can anyone be happy after doing something she did. She wont be.

 

Thank you so much for your kind support, now I need to focus on myself. The hardest for me now is searching for closure, after 8 years I did not even get a chance to say goodbye to the person who I truly loved. We did have some wonderful time together, it is hard to separate those good memories from what she did, they are too contradictive.

 

CB, write a letter to her, for yourself, saying goodby to the person you knew and loved, you are grieveing for the death of the person you thought you knew; don't send it to her. The good times you had will always be there, and I know how confusing and painful this is for you

 

Someone mentioned here that you are going through PTSD, PTSD usually happens from a truamatic sudden event you are not prepared for, and studies have shown the more close up ,personal and unexpected the aggression, the more destructive it is. So be kind to yourself.

 

.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Le Corb, I am still very wary about the fact that you want to let her enter the house. It might be a trick. It is possible that she actually hopes that you will have moved out your stuff so that SHE CAN MOVE IN WITH HERS!!! So it could well be that she does not come to pick up things but to move herself in. You see, if there is no stuff from you anymore, it will be much harder for you to prove that you were still living there.

 

Once she'll be in, you will have huge problems to get her out.

 

So please, please, check with your lawyer what she is allowed to do.

 

I would go to the police and tell them that something is coming up. Have friends over on Sunday so that you have witnesses. DO NOT LET HER IN THE HOUSE!!!

[Le Corb]

My apologies for the tardy reply, my friends and I have been packing my things up at the house before it is too late. I am going to sell the place anyway, I don't want to live there anymore. It was so hard to go through our things, brought back so many memories, I wonder what happened to the nice person who I once knew.

 

Legally she can break in since the house is under her name. I am going to contact my lawyer first thing monday morning. Right now I am doing my best not letting her entering the house with her brother and her sisters druggie boyfriend. I emailed her yesterday saying that a friend of ours will delivery many things on her list on the weekend (basically whatever he can pack into his car), and she agreed that she will not send the moving company over on sunday (but I dont believe her, I will have people over just in case). The most urgent things for her are clothes, handbags, jeweleries, and her computer. She will sign a inventory list when the things are delivered.

 

I am preparing for the worst, so we are moving my things out before she breaks in. I will continue to live here with minimal furnitures.

 

I think I will write two letters, one to the person who I loved with all my heart and soul, I wish I could share our laughter again, she will always have a special place in my heart. The other letter is to the person who she is now, I hope she finds what she is looking for in life, I wish nothing but the best for her and her family, however I can no longer help her.