Is this marriage savable?

[PinkInTheLimo]

Le Corb, you are dealing with this in the best way you can, you are a courageous man.

I wish you a lot of strength for this weekend, which will be another tough episode in this story.

Hang in there, we on LS send you good vibes.

[Le Corb]

I am packing her things up, its like packing up memories, its really painful, even with the smallest things I still remember where we bought them and how happy she was, why didn't she talk to me? I have never thought that our relationship would end like this. I still have many regrets, I wish I could treat her better, I miss the old her a lot, she is no longer there.

 

Tomorrow a friend of mine will delivery many things to her, clothes, handbags, jeweleries, some books etc. I guess this is really the end, the house is becoming more and more lifeless, I don't call it home anymore, besides I am getting evicted, there is no love here anymore.. It seems like she is not testing me and the relationship, she is doing it for real. I cannot think straight, everyday I feel like I am just existing for no reason, all of our dreams are gone, soon I will no longer have a place to live, I feel like I am living at bars these days, sleeping on friends couches and corridors. I have stopped the business due to the fact that I can no longer commit to deadlines. I don't believe in karma anymore.

 

As hard as it is, I just have to do what I have to do, not being nice to her and help her. I need to move on somehow, I am too scared of talking to people and meeting new people. Life goes on somehow. I will make sure that she does not get 100% of everything.

[Kitsune77]

You were nice to her, that has nothing to do with why she left, actually you were probably too nice, that's why she feels she can be so nasty. I bet if she thought you were the aggressive, or assertive type, she would have been as sweet as pie. Lecorb, just a question, what was your childhood like? Did you feel that you had to take a lot of responsibility?

 

The reason I am asking, is your hurt and pain is normal, but this self abuse you are inflicting on

yourself seems to be a bit out of place in the circumstances. I could understand you feeling this way if you had an affair, been abusive, or generally not a good husband , but if you read your own words, this is not the case.

By abusing yourself with alcohol, which is adding to your depression and lack of self esteem, you are living out what your wife often called you( loser, anxiety ridden) I don't mean to be harsh , I don't think if you that way, but you have to make axdesion to help yourself.

Don't worry about helping your wife, she is doing fine. You are not.

Everybody here is saying the same thing, you have to concentrate on you. The more your wife sees you as weak( any kindness from you she will see as that) the more she will be nasty.

Unthinkable the 2 letters are a great idea. Lecorb, you sound like a lively, generous aware man, please remember that.

 

And please, please, stop the drinking, it's highly addictive, and it's actually creating a lot of the anxiety and depression you feel.

[Kitsune77]

Lecorb,

I don't understand how she can evict you? What do your lawyers say? You obviously have bank records of your payments... Don't let her bully you.

[Le Corb]

I had a long walk at the beach, sat there and watched the waves. It was cold and moonless. It was the end of another page in this chapter. I packed all of her clothes, handbags, computer today, a friend of mine delivered them to her, it was a full car load. It really feels like she is gone, there is not a single trace of her left in the house anymore, but echoes of some memories. I sent her a text at the beach said I will always love you in my heart, but I cannot help you anymore, I am sorry.

 

I was horrible to her at mediation, didn't say yes to any of her demands. She was angry and upset. I wish I treated her better in the past eight years, I have never cheated on her. I did say some terrible things to her when we were angry, like I don't want to see you again, get out of my life, why do I have to do everything? and be responsible for all of her mistakes. I do regret these remarks. It must really hurt her, now she is saying that I have been verbally abusing her, which I had no idea. I told her that don't be lazy with her studies, if you don't face difficulties in your life you will achieve nothing like her family, you need to have a goal in life and work hard toward to it, and don't give up. Now I cannot forgive myself that she saw it as verbal abuse, I thought it would make her a better person, now I am full of regrets. I feel so sorry, I was being harsh on her. She said I have been being unsupportive, she was having some problems at her old work, she ended up having a serious argument with the manager, she didn't even talk me, now she is saying that I have been an unsupportive husband and I was emotionally withdrawn because I was too focused on my irrational fears about asbestos and the renovation instead, she felt like she could not talk to me. Now I feel horrible that it was all my fault. I cannot let go of myself and move on.

 

I had a great childhood, there are many wonderful memories, I was born into a good family, I grew up with a loving family among many books, artworks, and music. I didn't have to worry about material things, but I was never emotionally spoilt, my family have always told me to work hard, it is important to discipline yourself if you want to be successful. I really thought she was the one, we both shared many interests in the arts, she was a loving person once, she is always passionate about life, lighthearted almost naive for her age, perhaps I was too harsh on her, since her upbringing was quite different. Her father was never there emotionally still isn't, they have always struggled financially, but her mother did everything for the 3 kids, she still changes the bed for her 26 years old son and cleans the house for them after moving out of home with the father. It was almost the opposite from my childhood, but she is a passionate reader, although her father is illiterate, the whole family has never finished high school, she was quite different, we had a lot to talk about. I still don't know how could she do this to another person.

 

Yes I have all the bank records stating that I paid for the house in full and she contributed nothing financially. It was silly and too trusting of me to transfer the house to her name after we got married. Now she is using it against me. I really miss the old her, in fact I think I am still in love with the old her, perhaps that's why I found it so hard to move on and forgive myself.

Edited July 31, 2011 by Le Corb

[PinkInTheLimo]

Le Corb, you loved her for 8 years so it will take a while before you get over this.

But you have to stop blaming yourself. Honestly, I think your wife was extremely lucky to have a guy like you who tried to stimulate her to make the best of her life.

The way she left you is really low and shows for me that she is very immature. I know that this is no consolation for you, you loved her and you miss her, or at least the person you thought she was.

Do not feel bad about taking a strong stand with her concerning the mediation. She already broke your heart, don't let her break your bankaccount as well...

 

Take it one day at a time, Le Corb, some days you will be OK and others like today when you are confronted with it all, will be very bad. But with time, it will get better. And you will notice that you are not thinking about her all the time, and that your mind has room for other things, and who knows a new love.

 

In the mean time, try to take good care of yourself. Eat well, work out, go for walks, don't drink. Seek support with friends and family. And here on LS of course.

[Kitsune77]

Stop blaming yourself, I agree with Pink In The Limo, she was lycky to have you,you have to give this self abuse up.

 

She has made the decision it's over. Nothing you did contributed to this. She has always been an emotionally disturbed person, and this is actually in character.

You need to get some balance... You are not being mean to get, you are looking after yourself.

 

I am going to get PM , so I can email you, if that's alright.

Please lecorb, stop thinking that you could have changed things, the woman you thought you knew, was not the the woman she actually is.

 

Please pull yourself out if this, don't give her the satufactiin of knowing you are crushed.

[Kitsune77]

Lecorb , please google this in... it seems to make sense of how you are reacting. I hope your ok?

[Le Corb]

I just feel numb, its hard to be heartless, the world does not look the same when you do it, neither does yourself when you look in the mirror.

 

I made my last attempt this week trying to solve the matter out of court before our lawyers get involved by offering her a settlement payout, but she declined the offer and refused to communicate, instead she just asked for my lawyers details. If this goes onto the next chapter, it will be a very expensive court case and a long one too. I don't know why she is doing this, perhaps she wants to drain the both of us dry, so I come out of it with nothing too.

 

She was happy that she received the clothes, even sent me an email with smiley face, and all the rest was the normal, wanting this and that, willing to take the matter to court.

 

I really have no choice, I am just being dragged along to play this crazy game, I wish we could resolve this in a civil manner, but the way she is acting there is no logic or morality behind it. I just want to move on with my life now, but I have to finish this first, who knows how long it is going to take. I cannot think of being with someone again, even the idea of loving someone scares me. Kitsune77 feel free to pm or email me anytime. Everyone here has been great, thank you all so much again.

Edited August 5, 2011 by Le Corb

[PinkInTheLimo]

She was happy that she received the clothes, even sent me an email with smiley face, and all the rest was the normal, wanting this and that, willing to take the matter to court.

 

She sends you a mail with a smiley???

That woman has no decency at all. She is about to drag you into a long courtcase instead of just accepting a fair settlement so that you can go on with your life, and she sends you a mail with a smiley?

 

Le Corb, I hope for you that one day you will be with a woman who really loves you so that you can realise that you deserve so much better than your current wife.

 

If she is not prepared to accept a just settlement, you will indeed have to go to court and it will be tough. But you have to defend your rights and not let this golddigger stealing even more from you.

[Le Corb]

I think she was glad that she got an ute load of clothes, which took my friend and I a whole day to pack. So she sent me a smiley, same as saying "pretty please" at mediation I guess. She was also smiling at me when I ran into her by accident at the gallery opening. I don't know and I don't want to know the logic behind it.

 

There is no choice but going to court. I don't understand why she wants to destroy me emotionally at the same time.

 

I don't want to love or be loved anymore, not again.

[Le Corb]

6:35am, cannot fall asleep, thinking of what my exwife and her mother said to me, I feel disgusted, the whole family is not normal, when my friend delivered the clothes to her, her brother didn't even say hi or thank you. In a way I am just glad that I got out of the relationship, just in time before having kids with this woman.

 

After all this, I certainly do not believe in karma anymore, but I know that she will not be a happy person, no matter how much money she gets out from this. I feel sorry for the next person who she is going to be with. Just thinking about what she did and how she did it, I am disgusted, she didn't even walk in and see the newly renovated house before she left.

 

I don't wish her harm, but I do worry about her, there is no rationality and morality in the whole thing. If she has always been like this, she covered it so well, it is just disturbing.

 

I just want to move on with my life now, when she realized that I don't want her back anymore, she is now trying to stop me from moving on by not taking any settlement offers and not willing to negotiate. What does she want from me?

[PinkInTheLimo]

I just want to move on with my life now, when she realized that I don't want her back anymore, she is now trying to stop me from moving on by not taking any settlement offers and not willing to negotiate. What does she want from me?

 

She probably has the illusion that if she gets as much as possible out of you, that she will be happier. It has nothing to do with you. She is a parasite who is unable to care for her own happiness. So she will always try to get something out of others, but she will never find real satisfaction. Real satisfaction is what you get if you give energy, time, effort to yourself or others.

It's like the fact that she did not finish any studies. In order to do that she should really commit to one thing, even if it is not perfect, and go through the highs and lows of it. Instead she always bails and then blames others if it does not work out.

 

Sorry that you go through this and that it takes longer than you would wish. But you need to stand strong and defend yourself against this leech. Build a strong case with your lawyer which is fair and just. I think that every judge will then see the situation and your wife for what they are and give you what you are entitled to. Her as well but in my opinion that won't be all she is asking for now.

[Le Corb]

Thank you,

 

I shall stay strong and fight with my lawyers now, I have made my last attempt to resolve this outside of court, hoping to have some form of communication where I can offer my settlement, but she refused to talk to me.

 

She could never commit to anything, with the last degree I even did her homeworks, after she failed the same subjects 2 times, she changed her major again.

 

I don't know why she is being so greedy, and immoral. Now its all about money, money and getting things. No more "pretty please" in my life, I am not responsible for her that she put on weight, how could she ask for damages for calling overseas artdealers herself to buy artworks after midnight, by saying it affected her sleep and study. I am being blamed for everything. This is just madness.

 

I have tried to shut off all my emotions, I cannot feel anything now, its hard, I don't feel love or hate anymore. I don't think I will (or be able to) love someone again, its all about money.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Hang in there, Le Corb. The priority is now to "get rid" of her by settling the financial stuff. After that, you will be able to live fully again. Don't despair, you will love again because from what I read here, you are a loving person.

I know it is hard to see the other face of someone you loved deeply. You have to put yourself on the first place now.

[Mauschen]

Hi Le Corb,

 

How are you doing? Any progress on the settlement? I will have to have a cyber celebration with you once this is all over!

[reddog63]

Thanks a lot for the detailed analysis Downtown.

 

At the moment she seems to only remember the bad memories, such as she was bringing up one time she tried on this pair pants at a clothing store, she asked for my opinion, I said it doesn't look good on you, but if you really like it you should buy it. After reading the Patricia Evans book, now she is saying that it was me controlling her appearance and verbally abusing her. We bought I don't know how many pairs of pants for her over the 8 years, she could choose whatever she liked, and often she bought clothes for herself, now she is saying that she could not buy anything that I didn't like. It was more like 1 or 2 out of 50.

 

At the moment she is talking about all these smallest things, things that I forgot long time ago, for instance one of her friends called up once, she was canceling a dinner arrangement because she was broke that month, my wife told me that if her friend calls just tell her that we will pay for her dinner, and I did, but the friend did not end up meeting up with us, now she is saying that it was because of I did not tell her friend that we were going to pay for dinner, that was why her friend canceled... of course now it is me controlling her and not letting her to see her friend.

 

At the moment, it seems like she has completely rewritten the history of the relationship to the smallest details, and reviewing the past out of context. I have no idea what to do or how to respond. She has arranged for mediation next month to talk about property settlement, she knows that I need a place to live, so she is demanding my family to pay her out straight away (transferring six figures into her account), she only contributed $12,000 to the purchase of the house, last week she asked her lawyer to send a financial settlement proposal to my parents...

 

Whenever I speak to her now (and her mother) they are just blaming me for everything, how controlling and manipulative I have been, and her daughter deserves all this money, so I can save the good memories from the past, then my future relationships will not be over shadowed, as long as I agree on paying the amount she is asking for. Also my mother in law is saying that it was my fault that my mother was in hospital being treated for shock after hearing the news, my grandfather had a heart attack, he had an emergency heart operation, now under intensive care, "because of what I did".

 

My wife is not even agreeing on going to marriage counseling, I do not know how I can talk her into BPD treatments, I can only imagine that she will be screaming at me over the phone again, if I mention something like BPD.

 

I feel so helpless at the moment, when I look back it was like walking on eggshells in the past a few years. I still miss her a lot...

 

How does that break down.............she contributed 12000 to the house and she wants six figures?? just from the house alone??

 

Also, why in the world would you put the house in just her name? You are married and put it in just her name?? strange If that is the fact, does your lawyer think you could clarify this situation in the courts or are you out of luck on the money because technically it is in her name?

[reddog63]

Its a hard decision to make, would you treat someone who betrayed you with forgiveness and generosity? or treat them the same way they treated you?

 

I want her to be happy, she deserves a good life, I failed to look after her, she still has a long way to go, with that money she can see the world, I knew she always wanted to, thats the last thing I can do for her. After this I am planning to donate everything I own to charity. I have done my share in life, I am happy.

 

STOP already...........it sucks, I get that.......but stop playing a martar. She is not worrying about you being happy.............does it make you feel better to play the weak sap??? Not saying this to be mean, but wake up!!! Give her money to see the world?????? sh_t I have heard it all now.........

 

You see, you may have made alot of mistakes in the relationship............we all do..........but not to have talked to you at all, try to fix it first............and just leave you cold.............you dont owe her anything........

 

I can understand the pain.........but this is crazy.

[Le Corb]

Love makes you blind, I loved her, and I think I still do I don't even know why. I miss her smile. Perhaps death is a gift, before letting someone you love go, you need to be reborn, and bid farewell to your old self.

 

I just want to move on now, but there has been no progress on the settlement, she has cut all contacts, I tried to make a six figures offer, she rejected it. My lawyers are preparing for the court case, under Australian law it does not matter whos name the house is under, it is the contribution that counts, I can certainly prove that I paid for the whole house except for the $12,000 that she got from the government which all went into tax anyway. I transferred the house to her name for business reasons, I was too trusting of her.

 

Now she wants to go to court, she said it does not matter if she gets nothing, after realizing that she cannot get as much as she hoped for, it seems like she just wants to drain me financially so I cannot start again (it costs $7000+ per a day here in court), if she cannot get it I cannot have it either, whatever she gets from the settlement is not her money anyway, so she does not care.

 

I am scared of trusting someone ever again, will there really be love after this? I am not capable of loving someone again, I have been thinking even if I do have another relationship in the future, every time when I say "be careful on the road", "can you drive tonight", I will think she might sue me a few years later for saying such thing, thats not fair at all to the person involved, what kind of relationship is that? I don't want to put anyone through this misery. Imagine loving someone like me, stuff that, I am heartless. The person who would really love me does not exist, even if she does I would not want to be with her, because I want her to be happy, no one deserves this.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I tried to make a six figures offer, she rejected it.

 

Do not offer ANYTHING to her. She's not worth it. She had her chances.

The court case will be hard, but I think 7000 per day is a bit exaggerated. Since she has less money than you, she might give in at some point because after all, she also has to pay a lawyer.

[Downtown]

I have been thinking even if I do have another relationship in the future, every time when I say "be careful on the road", "can you drive tonight", I will think she might sue me a few years later for saying such thing,

Well, yes, it will happen again -- if you marry another woman having Aspergers Disorder and strong BPD traits, as your W does. But there is a world of women out there that are free of both of those problems.

[Mauschen]

Le Corb,

 

I know how you feel. My ex is unwilling to settle also, so I am now 3 years into this and have spent $9200 in lawyer and court fees this year already because he is unwilling to compromise with regards to child custody and support (thank goodness for you that you do not have children with your ex!). Some day, this will end for me and for you.

 

As for your thinking about another relationship, that will change too. I thought I would never trust or love someone again after what my ex put me through. But I met a wonderful man at work, and he has changed my mind. I thought there weren't any normal people out there, but there are. My new husband is a great communicator and is willing to work out problems instead of giving up or going out to cheat on me (as my ex regularly did). I spent a lot of time reading about relationships and mental disorders before dating again, and I think it really helped me to weed out the men who would be problematic for me.

[Le Corb]

Went to the lawyer today, from now on the matters will be handled by our lawyers now.

 

I probably will never see her again unless we go to court, it sounds like she is not willing to negotiate, she wants to drain me dry so both of us come out of the legal battle with nothing, if she cannot have it I cannot have it either.

 

Its probably going to be a long hard road from here, in a way I am just glad that I don't understand the logic behind the reason why she is doing all this, so I will never do the same thing that she did to another human being.

 

I am a failure I didn't look after the person who I love the most, I wish one day I could make it up for her, I want her to be happy with her life.

[Mauschen]

Le Corb,

 

It wasn't anything you did. Your ex is not capable of being pleased. At least you will cherish the person you end up with in the future. I know I adore my husband and make sure to never take him for granted. I know how wonderful he is. When you meet a woman who is able to have a normal relationship, you will be surprised at how refreshing it is.

 

As for your ex...after the court rules, I am not sure how she would continue to run up bills. She would have to appeal, which I doubt she has enough money to do. Hopefully her lawyer can keep her in check a bit. My ex just fired his lawyer because she couldn't get him what he irrationally wanted. Not sure if he can find a lawyer who can! But I wish you luck...some day this will be over and you can move on with your life!

[IfiKnewThen]

lecorb...how r u?