Is this marriage savable?

[IfiKnewThen]

Thanks doublerince,

 

Sometimes I really wonder did she even grieve the loss of me, how could she fake it so well for months, I and many people I spoke to cannot even do it for 2 days. I wish I knew what to advice to people who might be in my situation, I am still trying to figure out the logic behind all this, what really makes a person to treat another human being this way. It is not normal. The more I step outside the more brutal and heartless the whole thing seems.

 

 

all i can say is ......................."WOOT"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! go corb!

 

keep it up. you have whats called perspective now. it called not thinking you did this whole mess all by your lonesome. she had her hand in it too, in order to NOT truly, clearly, communicate her REAL bonifide intentions. she was secretive and she had just slam dunked you in the end.

 

 

its not about blaming yourself or blaming her . its seeing she sunk the ship too and isnt this wonderful , perfect, heartfelt person. and if she really knew you she would have seen you really loved her. its true love is an action word. and we all need to show it. but her actions of secretly preparing to leave you and leaving you mentally a long time ago, was not loving of her either. whatever her reasons. she had her hand in this too. period. anyway...............woot! you do have more perspective now. this is healthy. it will become healing too. : ) praise God

Edited June 28, 2011 by IfiKnewThen

[Empty man]

How can your wife fake for 3 months?

 

Its so easy for some women, my wife have been faking for years.

 

Love is blind and its true. You do not want to believe for a second that she does not love you.

 

Love is hopeful, you will be hoping that she will come back and love you. Once women's love is off I do not thing it will come to full swing again.

 

As you know I have similar story. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t284363/

 

Please read why situation Live and I welcome any suggestions that would help me.

 

Its better to get some body who loves you more than you do.

 

Is it possible a couple loves equally? like 50-50%.

[The Great Gazoo]

 

its not about blaming yourself or blaming her . its seeing she sunk the ship too and isnt this wonderful , perfect, heartfelt person. and if she really knew you she would have seen you really loved her. its true love is an action word. and we all need to show it. but her actions of secretly preparing to leave you and leaving you mentally a long time ago, was not loving of her either. whatever her reasons. she had her hand in this too. period. anyway...............woot! you do have more perspective now. this is healthy. it will become healing too. : ) praise God

 

I went through the same type of cruel sudden ending as le corb. This really hit home for me

 

Thanks

 

Le corb -- my heart is with you man.

[Le Corb]

Thanks everyone,

 

Whenever I feel upset I think of my family, friends and your guys here. It has been a long road and a discovery process, after she left I was shattered into pieces, now I am slowly picking up whats left in the ruins, throwing the bad past out only keeping the good aspects. It will leave many scars, but it will help me to remember the good times, and the scars will make me a stronger person.

 

I chucked away the books that my stbxw asked me to read before mediation, they were only making me more upset and wanting to agree to her out of control demands. I am not angry, I do miss the old her.

 

I don't think love is quantifiable, let along putting it into monetary terms, you cannot say we love each other equally or he/she loves him/her more than he/she does. Then its not a healthy relationship, you would feel like you owe each other all the time as a result. Love is about being there for each other unconditionally, its like art and music you see beauty in his/her imperfections, and respect each others differences, and support the person who you love, its the ultimate gift you can give to someone, giving away a part of your life. Life is short, I want to finish this chapter with no regrets, I have less than a week to make this decision. She has been horrible to me and my family for whatever reasons it may be, I do honor all the wonderful memories we had, and all the dreams we shared, there has been enough suffering and resentment since she left, after all it was a pleasure to share the 8 years of my life with her, we became better people together, I wish I could live in the newly renovated house with her and have children as we planned, and travel more. I really do not know what the future holds, will I be a happy person 20, 30 years from now if I gave in to her demands? so she could be happy and live some of the dreams that we shared, will you pay for your own suffering in exchange for the happiness of someone you love?; or if I fight back according her rules, it will be a horrible battle, it seems like she is prepared to do whatever necessary to get what she wants, many said she deserves nothing, and she should deal with the logical consequences, at the end I don't owe her anything, I am not even expecting an apology.

Edited June 29, 2011 by Le Corb

[Le Corb]

Going to mediation on Wednesday, I don't know what to expect, it has been 17 weeks, I have only seen her once since she left, this is probably going to be the very last time I see her, I wrote her a letter to say goodbye, perhaps its not a good idea to give it to her yet, she is not going to listen, I will send it to her when everything settles.

 

I think I will play the game now according to her rules, she has been so cruel and heartless to me and my family, I need to react to the way she is acting. At the mediation she will probably cry and accuse me for many things, I don't know how I can handle it emotionally, many people offered to go with me, but they cannot be in the mediation room. Any suggestions on how to handle the situation will be really appreciated.

[jaymz]

LeCorb. I know it is really hard but i think you need to at this point let her go.

 

I am in a similar situation where I have 15 years and 3 small children invested in this relationship and I do not want to give up on it. My wife too has been selfish, immature and cruel beyond belief. Its now a few months down the line and despite her agreeing to be adult about the whole situation, she is still being extremely petty.

 

I sat on my divorce papers for 2 weeks hoping things would change but deep down I know she wont. She may regret this in time but by then it will be too late, I am now resolved to look after myself for a change, be single for a while and enjoy my new unwanted freedom. It is scary, I will not lie to you, but I see it as an adventure. One where I start off solo to find myself again and hopefully end it with a 1st class 1st mate.

[IfiKnewThen]

Going to mediation on Wednesday, I don't know what to expect, it has been 17 weeks, I have only seen her once since she left, this is probably going to be the very last time I see her, I wrote her a letter to say goodbye, perhaps its not a good idea to give it to her yet, she is not going to listen, I will send it to her when everything settles.

 

I think I will play the game now according to her rules, she has been so cruel and heartless to me and my family, I need to react to the way she is acting. At the mediation she will probably cry and accuse me for many things, I don't know how I can handle it emotionally, many people offered to go with me, but they cannot be in the mediation room. Any suggestions on how to handle the situation will be really appreciated.

 

 

alli have to offer lecorb is to say pray. pray for guidance. pray for knowledge. pray for peace. pray for fairness. pray for her understanding. pray for the lord to sit there with you and get you through it. then let it flow. trust what that inner voice says to you. your gut while in the room. but i am being most serious and sincere when i say start praying. prayer really can help and work. try it. please............................try it. then trust it. and see what can happen. just try. thats what i do what things are real bad. and i can honesty say...i have gotten quite a few prayers answered.

[Mauschen]

Le Corb,

 

Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you today, one of the hardest days of your life, I am sure.

 

I hope everything went well for you.

[Downtown]

Le Corb, like Mauschen, I am hopeful that things went well for you today. I am so glad to hear that you decided to protect yourself (and your future W and kids) by playing by the hard-ball rules your W has established.

[Le Corb]

I don't know how to describe how I feel, I wasn't nice to her at mediation, I didn't even look at her or say hello. Its horrible, I didn't look at her in the eyes, I was afraid of getting hurt more. I tried to be emotionless, just talked about the financial settlement, and how unreasonable her requests are. I tried my best to be cold like her. I got back home and cried in the bathroom, I looked at myself in the mirror, I don't feel like a human being after what I have just done at the mediation.

 

She was still insisting on her settlement proposal, and now denying what she said about my family and asking them to pay her out, saying that my anxiety was the reason that drove her over the edge and left in such fashion. She said she wants to come to the house and collect her stuffs, I told her that my lawyer suggested writing out a detailed inventory and signing it off when she leaves with her belongings, she wants her brother and her sisters druggie boyfriend come with her, I said no because I am afraid of my personal safety as well as the property and my personal belongings, considering they were the people who pushed me out of the house and called the police. I told her that I much prefer to hire a removal company and we share the cost of the removalists, and she was not happy.

 

Another reason of why she left was because of she did not want to help to clean the floor after the renovation, considering we were talking about having children, I wanted the floor to be wipe properly and clean with professional vacuum cleaners just in case if there was any asbestos dust left (the day before she left I cleaned 2 rooms already by myself), she said it was too hard and she didn't want to help at all, so she made sure that she left before the cleaning up of the renovation mess, and she is not willing to share the cleaning cost.

 

So at the end we only agreed on having the house professionally evaluated, the figure that she got from her real-estate agents is at least $100,000 higher than the current market value, she is arguing that the renovation has added more value to the house.

 

The second mediation is on the 27th of this month, I just feel horrible after treating her like this.

Edited July 8, 2011 by Le Corb

[GreenPolicy]

 

The second mediation is on the 27th of this month, I just feel horrible after treating her like this.

 

You took action to protect yourself, your interests and your honor, so don't feel bad. Whoever she is now is not the person that you were married to for so many years. She left you no choice but to pursue things this way.

[worldgonewrong]

Le Corb - you did the right thing. Don't beat yourself up. And don't second-guess how you presented yourself (e.h. not making eye contact).

[Mauschen]

Le Corb,

 

I am proud of how you have handled this. EVen if you can't see it, you are becoming stronger. It took me years to get where you are and face my ex.

 

Hang in there. Things will get better for you.

[Le Corb]

I still feel horrible for what I did at mediation, I wasn't there to help her and protect her, it really hurts me, I don't feel like I am a human being at all, by cutting of all emotions like that. I feel like I have lost trust of all people, how can I love again, it seems impossible, after mediation I cannot feel anything anymore, I am numb, I feel cold.

 

When I used to look into her eyes, I could only find peace, now I am scared. I cannot even look at myself in the mirror, how can I hurt another human being like this... and she happened to be the person who I loved the most, I don't know why I still want to make it up for her, perhaps because of what I did at mediation.

 

I just want to say sorry, but I cannot say it to her, and she will never hear it, I am so sorry, please forgive me...

[PinkInTheLimo]

I still feel horrible for what I did at mediation, I wasn't there to help her and protect her, it really hurts me, I don't feel like I am a human being at all, by cutting of all emotions like that. I feel like I have lost trust of all people, how can I love again, it seems impossible, after mediation I cannot feel anything anymore, I am numb, I feel cold.

 

When I used to look into her eyes, I could only find peace, now I am scared. I cannot even look at myself in the mirror, how can I hurt another human being like this... and she happened to be the person who I loved the most, I don't know why I still want to make it up for her, perhaps because of what I did at mediation.

 

I just want to say sorry, but I cannot say it to her, and she will never hear it, I am so sorry, please forgive me...

 

LeCorb, I understand that you feel bad about your determined attitude at the mediation but believe us when we say that you did the right thing.

You are only defending your rights to a fair settlement.

And don't forget how awful she and her family have been to you. Not that it is any consolation for you, I get that, but you have to protect yourself.

[Kivu]

Le Corb, you did the right thing. If you want to look at it from another perspective, you are never going to earn her respect unless you continue to stick up for yourself, exactly the way you have been doing.

 

Like a said a few pages ago, I don't know you at all. Now I feel extremely proud of you for standing up for yourself. Please stop beating yourself up about it - this is a victory! Go Le Corb! *cheerleader dance*

[PinkInTheLimo]

LeCorb, be careful about one thing. It could be that your wife, feeling that you won't budge, will try to work on your emotions. She might for example start pretending that she considers getting back together with you. She knows that in that case it will be eternally more difficult for you to be tough with her. Don't give in.

 

I tell you this because I know a man whose wife had left him, who had that wife asking him to move in with her in her new house at some point to reconcile. He moved all their furniture in her new house. After a couple of weeks she told him to leave. Without the furniture.

Just to tell you what some people are capable of.

[Le Corb]

Thanks people for being so supportive as always. The second mediation is in 2 weeks, I feel emotionally drained just preparing myself to act like that again, its hard to treat anyone in that way, especially her, there are so many things I want to say to her, but I cannot, I will never be able to do it, I am thinking about writing her a letter on her birthday next week, should I do it?

 

You are right, I will never earn her respect if I give in, she just thinks she deserves it all. Now she knows that the emotion card is the only card she has now, I don't know what she is going to do, I think she is either going to do whatever to hurt me more so I give up, or play nice.

 

I think she was surprised to see that I bought some new clothes for myself after all these years, I don't need to buy her designer clothes and shoes every month anymore. In a way I feel guilty for not buying the pair of pants and that pair of shoes she liked, now she is bringing them up all the time, it must really hurt her.

[jaymz]

I am thinking about writing her a letter on her birthday next week, should I do it?

No

 

You are right, I will never earn her respect if I give in

 

Exactly

 

In a way I feel guilty for not buying the pair of pants and that pair of shoes she liked, now she is bringing them up all the time, it must really hurt her.

Reality check. She does not like it.

[Mauschen]

Just giving you some advice from a female perspective:

1. Do not write her a birthday card/letter. This will show her that you are weak and are a doormat. It will show her that she is able to get to you emotionally.

 

2. You are right - she will not respect you if you are weak and bow to her wishes. Act strong.

 

3. If someone is hurt over not receiving a pair of pants and some shoes and brings it up all the time, that person just simply does not live in reality. Again, do not apologize, give in, act weak - she will loose more respect for you and will take advantage of you in any way she can.

[Le Corb]

It has been over 17 weeks, the more people I talk to, the more I look at the breakup objectively, the more psychotic it seems. Many of our friends are helping out, the money they put together is enough for me to fight the case in court, people who I barely knew offered help in different ways in term of accommodation as well as financially.

 

Each day I think I love her less and less, if she really loved me she would not do anything like this. Its still very hard to treat her this way, when I think about her and see her, its hard to separate all the good memories from this. I still wonder what have I done to make her behave this way, she seems hurt, I wish I could hug her and make her feel better, but I cannot and she is now a different person, I wonder does she behave like this to all the other people or just me?

 

Instead of missing her, I think more and more I miss the security of our old life, going back home, visiting places we both liked, planning our future together etc. I am also faced the reality that I may never find anyone again in life, the emptiness sometimes really devours me. I am also scared by what I have become being cold and heartless toward to her, I cannot even look at strangers in the eyes, I know that they are seeing a horrible person, I feel so emotionless and numb. I no longer know what I feel, I don't love her, I don't hate her, I am not angry, there is certainly no joy or comfort, sadness maybe, I ran out of tears, I am just empty, really empty.

[jaymz]

Each day I think I love her less and less, if she really loved me she would not do anything like this.

 

Bingo.

 

Its still very hard to treat her this way, when I think about her and see her, its hard to separate all the good memories from this. I still wonder what have I done to make her behave this way, she seems hurt, I wish I could hug her and make her feel better, but I cannot and she is now a different person, I wonder does she behave like this to all the other people or just me?

 

You will take the brunt. She will do anything to make you the bad guy and her the good gal. My stbxw is slowly alienating her friends as they dont put up with her behaviour towards THEM let alone what she has actually done.

 

Instead of missing her, I think more and more I miss the security of our old life, going back home, visiting places we both liked, planning our future together etc.

 

This was very hard for me to deal with too. I am at the stage where i dont actually like my wife but I really miss what we had. It sounds crazy but up until i found out about the affair, i was happy, working hard towards our goals etc.

 

 

I am also faced the reality that I may never find anyone again in life, the emptiness sometimes really devours me.

 

Me too. Its so daunting that the stbx has replaced me so quickly and readily. I have seen other divorcees quickly marry the first person that gives them attention and then live to regreat it. I have told myself I am going to be single for a year before i look seriously at anyone else.

 

I am also scared by what I have become being cold and heartless toward to her, I cannot even look at strangers in the eyes, I know that they are seeing a horrible person, I feel so emotionless and numb. I no longer know what I feel, I don't love her, I don't hate her, I am not angry, there is certainly no joy or comfort, sadness maybe, I ran out of tears, I am just empty, really empty.

 

Its called indifference. Love and hate are very close emotions, indifference is the complete oposite. I want to get to that stage so I am just not bothered by anything the STBX does anymore. At the moment when we talk I put on an act of how great my life is, I am happy, doing well and deal with her in a business way. Afterwards I am emotionally drained, but it does get a little bit easier each time. "Fake it until you make it" is a great piece of advise from here.

[worldgonewrong]

It has been over 17 weeks, the more people I talk to, the more I look at the breakup objectively, the more psychotic it seems. Many of our friends are helping out, the money they put together is enough for me to fight the case in court, people who I barely knew offered help in different ways in term of accommodation as well as financially.

 

Each day I think I love her less and less, if she really loved me she would not do anything like this. Its still very hard to treat her this way, when I think about her and see her, its hard to separate all the good memories from this. I still wonder what have I done to make her behave this way, she seems hurt, I wish I could hug her and make her feel better, but I cannot and she is now a different person, I wonder does she behave like this to all the other people or just me?

 

Instead of missing her, I think more and more I miss the security of our old life, going back home, visiting places we both liked, planning our future together etc. I am also faced the reality that I may never find anyone again in life, the emptiness sometimes really devours me. I am also scared by what I have become being cold and heartless toward to her, I cannot even look at strangers in the eyes, I know that they are seeing a horrible person, I feel so emotionless and numb. I no longer know what I feel, I don't love her, I don't hate her, I am not angry, there is certainly no joy or comfort, sadness maybe, I ran out of tears, I am just empty, really empty.

 

LeCorb - I could have written this exact same post, word for word.

I feel for you, buddy.

[PinkInTheLimo]

BUMP coz I don't want Le Corb and his thread sink to the 2nd page. Le Corb, thinking of you and sending you strenght, we are with you.

[Le Corb]

Thanks everyone,

 

Received an email from her today, she said she is coming over with removalists next month to move all the furnitures, she sent me a list of the things she wants from the house from dinner table, bookshelves to tupperware, glasses, blanket and even couch cover.

 

She wants to move all the things without me being present at the house and she also wants me to ask our friends to deliver the things from her urgent list to her ASAP, such as her computer, desk, printer, etc.

 

After that in term of living furnitures I will only have a tv, kettle, a coffee table and hopefully some cutleries left pretty much.

 

What should I do?