Is this marriage savable?

[GorillaTheater]

Its a hard decision to make, would you treat someone who betrayed you with forgiveness and generosity? or treat them the same way they treated you?

 

Depends.

 

If my wife was genuinely remorseful and clearly willing to put forth 110% effort to restoring the relationship and my trust, I would do my best to treat her with forgiveness and generosity. And I understand that I might fail at this; the betrayal could simply be too great for me to overcome.

 

If she put forth any effort less than 110%, I would neither treat her generously nor with the disrespect she showed me. I would treat her with the respect due to any business associate with whom I needed to disentangle myself with. This of course requires great emotional distance, and THAT's what you need to be working on. Detach, detach, detach.

[Mauschen]

LeCorb,

 

I agree with Downtown. To flush away everything you have and who you are because of this woman and what has happened is NOT worth it. You do sound very depressed and should see a psychologist asap. You can make it through this and you can move on with your life and be happy again.

 

And, as for your question about forgiveness and generosity...I think you can treat a person who betrays you with forgiveness, but not with generosity. Your wife is only looking for your generosity at the moment and doesn't seem to care whether or not you have forgiveness to offer. I believe in forgiveness because it allows YOU to heal and to move on. Generosity, on the other hand, is unacceptable in this situation. You should only give her what you're required to give her by court order. She will not think more highly of you or come back to you if you offer her more. And, frankly, she is already going to get WAY more than she deserves.

 

Please go see a therapist. Some of them are good.

[Le Corb]

I know that she is not coming back, she told me that if I want to make it up to her, I should agree on the amount that she is asking for at mediation. I just want her to be happy, she will not be able to live what she considers as a happy life with the amount she would get from the court, also she does not have the resources to go to court, she will come out with very little.

 

I have to make that decision, mediation is in a couple of weeks. I know well that she may never say sorry or think highly of me, I don't want her life to be miserable.

[Downtown]

I just want her to be happy, she will not be able to live what she considers as a happy life with the amount she would get from the court, also she does not have the resources to go to court, she will come out with very little.

Le Corb, if you want to give her your life savings as a gift, fine. That is your choice. But your motivation of wanting her "to be happy" makes no sense. In the years of doing things for her and making sacrifices EVER made her happy? Did your hard work of cleaning asbestos out of the house -- making it safe for her future children -- make her happy? If she has strong BPD traits, it is impossible to "make her happy." BPDers are all very unhappy people because only they can make themselves happy -- and they refuse to go through the therapy required to achieve that goal. Instead, they choose to remain "victims."

I know well that she may never say sorry or think highly of me, I don't want her life to be miserable.

There is no "may" about it. If she has strong BPD traits -- as seems likely -- she will be thinking of you as the bane of her existence. As a "victim," a BPDer always needs a string of "perpetrators" in her past to blame for every misfortune.

[Le Corb]

You are right, I could never make her happy, no matter what I do. She always had to do what she wanted to do, she can never compromise on anything, just simply gives up, like her changing the university majors again and again. It is very unlikely that she will compromise on the settlement proposal, which means going to court.

 

I am reading on a few books on how to save broken relationships, I don't know if it is going to work. I have no idea why I still have feeling for her, I feel so lonely, will there really be love after all this?

 

NC for over a month now, she does not even want to talk to me. I know the hope is pretty slim, but I want to try everything I can, I am trying to be happy, then I just found myself lying to myself.

 

I am very interested to hear about how and what do you need to do to reconcile, Robf, Owl, how did you guys do it?

[DeeMo81]

Reading your story absolutely breaks my heart. I can completely relate: my husband did almost the exact same thing to me two years ago, except he went to "the library" when I was six months pregnant and never came back. Just like you, we had been married for 4 years, together for 8, and even though we had been going through a "rough patch" due to major life changes, I never saw it coming. He didn't take any belongings or leave a note, he just vanished. After almost a week of calling every friend, hospital, and jail I could think of, my husband finally emailed my dad (yes, my DAD) to let us know that he wanted a divorce.

 

Just like you, the shock and devastation had such profound physiological effects that I was hospitalized and prescribed sedatives. I spent my last trimester on bed rest due to stress-induced pre-term labor symptoms, and the boredom of the bed rest only served to contribute to my misery. My husband (now ex-husband, thank God) was not present for our son's birth and has been minimally involved in our lives ever since.

 

For the first year after my ex left, I was so utterly shattered that I could barely put one foot in front of the other just to go through the motions of my day. I was emotionally hemorrhaging, and it seemed like nothing would ever take away the pain - like life would never be bearable again. I loved being a new mom, and taking care of a newborn did distract me a bit, but looking into my son's eyes just served as a reminder of the man who I loved with all my heart - the man who abandoned us for no apparent reason.

 

People used to tell me that he did us a favor by purging himself from our lives, and I used to want to slap those people. Even though I had a lot of support from family and friends, no one seemed to understand the depth of the pain and desperation I was feeling. I don't think anyone can understand it unless they've been through it themselves, so that's why I'm replying to your post. I want you to know that there are people out there who have lived through something like this and survived it.

 

The best advice I got while going through that time in my life came from my counselor. She said: "This is going to hurt - probably for a long, long time. You can't get around it or over it or under it; you can only go through it. So, just face it and feel it and know that, like all things, this too will pass."

 

She was right. It did hurt for a long time, but two years later, it doesn't anymore. Not at all. I was once shocked that my husband would leave me, (not to mention his own child). Now, I'm shocked that I ever loved him in the first place. He has started to come around again, here and there, and has expressed interest in reconciling, but when I look at him, I am absolutely disgusted...not angry or hurt, just disgusted. There is no longer any attraction or tender feelings. I love him because he is the father of my child, and I do have a lot of good memories from the time we spent together, but I no longer pine for him or cry for him or wish we could be a family together. I'm over it, and I am A LOT stronger for having gone through it.

 

I am now in a very happy relationship with an amazing man who treats me and my son better than I could have ever dreamed. My son is a thriving toddler who fills me with joy every day. I bought my first house and have a great job. I'm closer to my family than I have ever been. It is as though my chains have been cut and I'm finally free to experience happiness and appreciation for life. I look back at my old life with my ex as my "dark days," even though it never occurred to me that I was unhappy at the time that I was with him.

 

So, for what it's worth, here is my advice to you:

 

1) Don't give your ex-wife anything you don't have to. I'm not encouraging you to be a jerk, only to protect yourself and avoid offering her financial rewards for treating you the way that she did. She left you and the security that you had to offer her. Fine. That was her choice. Let her figure out a way to support herself going forward. You may want her to be happy, and that is noble, but it is no longer your responsibility to provide for her, and when you do finally "get over" her emotionally, you'll feel like a chump for everything you did above and beyond what was necessary. Trust me on that one. Let your judge/mediator decide what she is entitled to, make sure that you're well-represented with experienced legal counsel, and don't give her a penny more than what you're ordered to give.

 

2) Stop trying to get her back. As excruciating as I know it is to envision your life without her, the more you focus your energy on saving the relationship, the sadder you'll be and the less likely she'll be to change her mind. The best thing you can do is to figure out a way to move on. It will help lessen the pain for you, and it may even have the effect of eventually luring her back. I know my ex never showed any signs of regret - until he saw me happy with another man and satisfied with the life I built without him. Once he knew that I was no longer available to him, he became interested again. At this point, if I wanted to rekindle my marriage, all I'd have to do is say the word. Luckily for me, I no longer want to.

 

3) Distract yourself with some fun online dating. I whole-heartedly recommend okcupid.com. It's free and the site and matching algorithms are really well-built, in my opinion. I was really resistant to the idea at first, but once I did it, I realized how much fun it was and wished I had done it a lot sooner. It really helped me stop seeing myself as a victimized, abandoned wife and helped me start seeing myself as a hot single mom who had an awesome second chance to pick out the perfect man. Although I wasn't at all serious about it at first, corresponding with other singles on the internet gave me a lot of confidence and distracted me from the depression. I didn't have to respond to them or meet them, so it was a very low-pressure re-entry to the dating scene. Some online dating sites a really sleazy, but OKC is not. Within a month of setting up my account, I met the man of my dreams and have been with him ever since. After a year of dating, he's moving in next month.

 

So, hang in there. Life does go on. I promise. And it gets better! You'll make it; you'll become stronger than you ever were before, and one day you may find yourself looking back and thanking your wife for doing you this favor. Feel free to slap me now.

[Le Corb]

DeeMo81, thank you so much for sharing your story, I am sorry to hear about what you had to go through, I know how deep and soul destroying the pain is, I can only imagine what it would be like in the middle of pregnancy, thats horrible, it really broke my heart, I wept when I was reading your post.

 

I don't know how human beings can do this to each other, how they can just abandon loved ones all the sudden, while their partners are still planning a future with them, building the shared dreams. Just like you I feel like no one around me can understand the depth of the pain, they said it is a good thing that she left, I just don't see why, it has been 13 weeks, I still don't want to get up in the morning, I am on many medications, as a result I can no longer work, or even be on the road. I don't even want to go home, there all the memories haunt me, I loved her with all my heart, and I still do, I wish I could see her smile again. There is no lethe or nepenthe, only tears from my eyes to help me to forget.

 

Last night I walked around the night city, roamed in the cold streets in the early morning, I didn't know where to go, I really wished I knew, the world is still colorless, fragile like birds with painted wings. Once again I stared at death in his hollow eyes, I followed him to where he wanted me to go, he opened his mouth, there was only shadows of shattered hope, no solace or warmth, nothing but closure which I have been longing for. I said to him thanks for coming, he said nothing, I asked him will there be love? he said nothing...

 

I am filled with regrets, there is a sin in loving someone, we were too close to each other, we shared many interests, we did everything together, there was no distance between us, we did not have time to do our own things and be individuals, we lost ourselves... sometimes I was too critical of her, in term of her studies and work, I told her to work hard and be good at what she does, maybe she thought I was giving too much suggestions, instead of giving advise when she asked for it. I am the one who made all the major decisions in the relationship, I managed all the finance in the house, maybe she lost the sense of freedom. I was too focused on my work and the renovation, did not pay much attention to her. Lastly, we kind distanced ourselves from her family, she did not come from a good family and she agrees, there were many problems (including drugs and alcohol abuse with her siblings, both her parents did not finish high school), even her uncles and aunties were not close to them, we did the same, we only kept minimal contact with them, perhaps she felt isolated. Now I think it is a combination of different reasons, I don't know what could I have done, I am living with all these regrets, all I wanted was a better life for her, maybe she did not see it that way, if she was unhappy why didn't she say anything...

 

Thank you so much for replying to my post, and your sound advise. Its heartwarming to hear that there is a life after all this. You are right, it is her choice, it is no longer my responsibility to provide for her, definitely not my family's! I need to search in the ruins and find what is left from my life, and try to put it back together. At the moment I don't even know whether I am alive or dead. I don't think I am emotionally ready to date or enter another relationship, it would be my last intention to bring anyone else into this mess, no women deserve to be dragged into this, we all need love and forgiveness.

[fltc]

I need to search in the ruins and find what is left from my life, and try to put it back together. At the moment I don't even know whether I am alive or dead. I don't think I am emotionally ready to date or enter another relationship, it would be my last intention to bring anyone else into this mess, no women deserve to be dragged into this, we all need love and forgiveness.

 

I hate to sound like a broken record but the more I read your posts the more I believe you have only one hope of recovery, YOU MUST GET MAD! GET BOILING STEAMING FURIOUS!

 

Nobody deserves to be treated as you have been and we see you running through the entire gamut of emotions except for the one you need, the one that can help you, ANGER!

 

Give her NOTHING, let the court decide what she's entitled to have, make NO offers, get an attorney if you don't have one already, listen to him/her!

Edited June 5, 2011 by fltc

[Le Corb]

I cannot bring myself to hate her. She was a loving person and wife, she was the best thing happened to me. I am not angry, she really loved me, even though what she did at the end was horrible, I don't know why I still think about all the good times we had together, and all the dreams we shared. In fact it is really hard for me to remember all the bad times and reasons why we have arguments sometimes.

 

I loved her unconditionally and forgave her, I regret that I said many hurtful things, she has many good qualities, I wish nothing but the very best for her in life, she deserves it.

 

Perhaps I still have love, thats why I can forgive her for what she did and I am not angry. Maybe I always will love her, I am not angry at anyone but myself. I had someone special and I lost her forever.

 

I will be around in one form or another, even just a memory, that is enough for me. People will remember me and what I left behind in life.

[IfiKnewThen]

people do NOT want to remember you le corb, they want to experience you.

 

 

with that said...

 

dont settle for being a mere memory. take care of yourself and get through this.

 

 

NEVER EVER hurt those around you who love and need you, please. take care of yourself and live and get through this.

 

DeeMo81's post was astounding. it made a lot of sense and was a very sensitive post.

 

we ALL care about you here , even though we dont know you.

 

 

i know you regret things you feel you did to contribute to the demise....but i PROMISE YOU, that it was MORE HER than you, even though there is no evidence of that for you in your minds eye. you will look back and see it someday. i was regretful too and i PROMISE you this, i had a lot more to be regretful for. but i too see that he wasnt this saint i made him out to be. at least now, he sure isnt a saint.

 

 

so................please hang in there and get it in perspective. let your inner voice and thoughts tell you NEW positive things that sound more like this:

 

 

yeah, maybe i messed up some...maybe a lot, who knows. But she didnt have to be all silent about it and walk away. she doesnt have to remain silent now. she could have mercy and help bring me closure or peace. she doesnt have to try to take everything away from me financially. i dont hate her. but i dont LIKE her. not now. not like this. she may have been good once and we may have awesome old memories once upon a time. but in the here and now, she is just grief to me now. i can forgive her someday...but now i have to move forward and survive. i want to be happy again. i will be happy again. God still blesses me everyday with things i dont see or take for granted. like my health and family and friends and with strangers here on LS. i matter. i will move forward and heal. God and me will get me there. i have faith in that much no matter how this feels. this is a feeling. it will pass. i am strong. in the bible it says "let the weak say , I am strong". i will listen to those words of wisdom, and wait. i will be happy again. i know all things take time. this is really no different. i will trust in ME, and time, and God.

 

be blessed le Corb. allow it. please

[Steen719]

I hate to sound like a broken record but the more I read your posts the more I believe you have only one hope of recovery, YOU MUST GET MAD! GET BOILING STEAMING FURIOUS!

 

Nobody deserves to be treated as you have been and we see you running through the entire gamut of emotions except for the one you need, the one that can help you, ANGER!

 

Give her NOTHING, let the court decide what she's entitled to have, make NO offers, get an attorney if you don't have one already, listen to him/her!

 

I know you do not feel this way today, but this is good advice not to give her any extra money. Let the court decide and if you feel you have to give her some, do it on the side. You will change your mind, really you will and if it is written in stone, you will be sunk. When you are through feeling so bad and you are feeling angry and insulted, you will be very sorry that you are paying her more than you could have. This is true. If you do it this way, you still accomplish what you want right now, but you do not have to do it forever. Believe me, you will not always feel this accommodating towards her...hard to believe, but very true.

[fltc]

I cannot bring myself to hate her.

 

You will, sooner or later, you'll wake up.

[Le Corb]

Thank you so much everyone, for listening to me, you have been helping me a lot, more than you can imagine, even though we have never met, it has become a part of the healing process, to come here everyday and read your posts.

 

A lot of people we know are angry, quite a few sensible ladies said they want to punch her in the face, they have never hit people before, I cannot believe it. Especially after I told people that she asked my family to buy a business under our names a month before she left, and 1 week before she took me to see another property. Friends are saying that it is lucky to get away from her family.

 

Lawyers think that the judge is definitely not going to rule in her favor, also I have all the financial documents, and her tax returns, her contributions were very little in comparison to the whole. Our friends think that even if I give her all that money, she will spend it in half a year anyway, and ruin her own life.

 

I just don't see the future yet, my life is in ruins, my career just got to a new level at the beginning of the year, now I am jobless, lost the person I love, soon to be homeless. Its hard to imagine a new start. Sounds like she is happy and having a good time, moved back home, living with her brother and sister, after the parents moved out of home, her friend said that she is not upset, just waiting for the payout, she got over me months before she left.

 

No body noticed a thing, it is hard to believe, how can one fake it that well for months. I cannot even fake it for 3 days, its just astonishingly shocking. She said thats what she had to do, otherwise she would get out of the relationship with not much financially.

Edited June 6, 2011 by Le Corb

[Owl]

I am very interested to hear about how and what do you need to do to reconcile, Robf, Owl, how did you guys do it?

 

The advice I've offered throughout this thread reflects a lot of the steps I (we) took to reconcile my marriage.

[Mauschen]

LeCorb,

 

You CAN get through this. And life CAN be great.

 

I was in ruins when my ex cheated on me. I put up with his cheating for 3 years! Now, even though having a non-intact family is hard, I am SO happy that I don't have to spend the rest of my life with him. I have a new husband now who treats me well, who a is stable, emotionally available, and loving man. And, even if I didn't have my new husband, I would definitely rather be single than with my ex. I hope that someday you will feel the same about your wife because she is not worth pining over.

[DeeMo81]

DeeMo81, thank you so much for sharing your story, I am sorry to hear about what you had to go through, I know how deep and soul destroying the pain is, I can only imagine what it would be like in the middle of pregnancy, thats horrible, it really broke my heart, I wept when I was reading your post.

 

I don't know how human beings can do this to each other, how they can just abandon loved ones all the sudden, while their partners are still planning a future with them, building the shared dreams. Just like you I feel like no one around me can understand the depth of the pain, they said it is a good thing that she left, I just don't see why, it has been 13 weeks, I still don't want to get up in the morning, I am on many medications, as a result I can no longer work, or even be on the road. I don't even want to go home, there all the memories haunt me, I loved her with all my heart, and I still do, I wish I could see her smile again. There is no lethe or nepenthe, only tears from my eyes to help me to forget.

 

Last night I walked around the night city, roamed in the cold streets in the early morning, I didn't know where to go, I really wished I knew, the world is still colorless, fragile like birds with painted wings. Once again I stared at death in his hollow eyes, I followed him to where he wanted me to go, he opened his mouth, there was only shadows of shattered hope, no solace or warmth, nothing but closure which I have been longing for. I said to him thanks for coming, he said nothing, I asked him will there be love? he said nothing...

 

I am filled with regrets, there is a sin in loving someone, we were too close to each other, we shared many interests, we did everything together, there was no distance between us, we did not have time to do our own things and be individuals, we lost ourselves... sometimes I was too critical of her, in term of her studies and work, I told her to work hard and be good at what she does, maybe she thought I was giving too much suggestions, instead of giving advise when she asked for it. I am the one who made all the major decisions in the relationship, I managed all the finance in the house, maybe she lost the sense of freedom. I was too focused on my work and the renovation, did not pay much attention to her. Lastly, we kind distanced ourselves from her family, she did not come from a good family and she agrees, there were many problems (including drugs and alcohol abuse with her siblings, both her parents did not finish high school), even her uncles and aunties were not close to them, we did the same, we only kept minimal contact with them, perhaps she felt isolated. Now I think it is a combination of different reasons, I don't know what could I have done, I am living with all these regrets, all I wanted was a better life for her, maybe she did not see it that way, if she was unhappy why didn't she say anything...

 

Thank you so much for replying to my post, and your sound advise. Its heartwarming to hear that there is a life after all this. You are right, it is her choice, it is no longer my responsibility to provide for her, definitely not my family's! I need to search in the ruins and find what is left from my life, and try to put it back together. At the moment I don't even know whether I am alive or dead. I don't think I am emotionally ready to date or enter another relationship, it would be my last intention to bring anyone else into this mess, no women deserve to be dragged into this, we all need love and forgiveness.

I know EXACTLY what you mean. I used to wonder how my ex could wake up every morning, look at himself in the mirror, put his shoes on, and go about his day knowing what he left behind. I'm still stumped on that one. I have NO IDEA what can drive some human beings to behave this way, and it is especially difficult to accept when the particular human being who does it is a person that you felt you knew inside and out, a person who you love with every fiber of your being, a person who you trusted and shared so much with...a person who you were absolutely convinced of being incapable of this kind of heartless betrayal. This is betrayal at its raw, hideous core, and the pain it leaves in its wake is all-encompassing.

 

I know it feels like you can't live through this, but as potent as that feeling is, it's illusory. You CAN live through this and you WILL. Beneath the suffering and the self-blame expressed in your posts, I see an honorable, genuine, compassionate, introspective, thoughtful (both as is in 'generous' and 'intelligent') person who is capable of devoting himself to a life-long partnership. Men like you are rare. I guarantee that when the pain begins to subside (and it will....eventually), you will find a woman who is both worthy and appreciative of everything you have to offer.

 

To say, "My heart goes out to you," is soooo cliche, but it really, really does, and I wish you the most expeditious possible recovery from this devastation and the boundless happiness you deserve.

[Le Corb]

Thank you for your kind words, it really brought tears to my eyes, ever since she left, I feel so worthless, and I have failed everything, including my own life. I am just living the shadow of shattered dreams, drifting amid the everlasting echoes from the past.

 

I went to mediation today, the first separate interview, our joint session will be in 3-4 weeks, it will probably be the very last time I see her. The mediator had met her a couple of months ago, she initiated the process in the second week when I was in hospital, after meeting her the mediator is concerned that she might take advantage of me, and push me to sign an agreement that I don't want to. He assured me that if I don't feel comfortable with being in the same room with her or I don't want to continue the direct negotiation, all I need to do is to tell him, then he will stop the meeting immediately and try to start again in separate rooms.

 

It was really cold today, on the way back I bought some warm bread and a coat for myself, for the first time I realized that it is actually the first piece of clothe I bought for myself in the past 4 years, only 4 pairs of shoes and some shirts through out the 8 years, she never went clothe shopping for me, or even looked. I saved and almost every month I bought her clothes from designer stores in melbourne. Perhaps it is time to look after myself, buy myself some nice things and artworks. I ate the bread on the bus back and cried.

 

She was person who I would sacrifice everything for, even my own life, I thought I knew her, whenever I really looked into her eyes I could only find peace, when I was with her I heard the most beautiful music, so beautiful it cannot be written down, only to be felt with your soul. I trusted her with all my heart, even transferred the house to her name, now she is using it against me... its beyond betrayal, its just soul murdering.

 

Nothing lasts, everything is just a memory.

Edited June 7, 2011 by Le Corb

[Mauschen]

Le Corb,

 

How are you doing? Any better? I think about you and hope you're well.

[Le Corb]

I have been asking myself many questions, it feels like some parts of me are missing, we shared so many dreams together, I have been revaluing my goals in life since before we have always planned everything together. I am still trying to figure out how I can start again in life after this, it is going to take me a while to recover emotionally.

 

I do want to help her, we spent many wonderful time together, at the same time everyone around me and people here are telling me that I should not be generous, it was her decision to leave, and it is no longer my obligation, certainly not my family's. Also considering how she did it and the way she is handling it now. It is a difficult choice, I went to see a few lawyers, most of them said if the case goes to court my wife will get very little, on top of the legal costs, she may end up with not much at all. I was going to offer her 5 times of what my lawyers are suggesting, she did not even want to pick up the phone, I tried.

 

I don't believe in karma, I do worry about her if she treats people with no compassion. My friends said that she set the ground rules in motion, I just have to play the game accordingly, in same way as how she has been treating me. How can I do that to another human being? especially her. I think I have to make a decision that I can live with in the future, whenever I look back in life I can say to myself that I did the right thing, and all I could for the person who I once loved so deeply.

 

Life is too short for this kind of hatred, I don't know why I am not angry, I do forgive her, maybe I still love her in some way, perhaps I always will deep in my heart, at least in those distant memories.

 

Perhaps there will not be love after this, but it is ok, it was a pleasure to spend eight years of my life with her, I felt real happiness and love, thats enough for me.

[robf1971]

. I was going to offer her 5 times of what my lawyers are suggesting, .

 

If you do this, one day you will regret it. This is money for your future wife and possibly kids, and you want to give it to someone who threw you under a bus?

[Le Corb]

I am seeing her probably for the very last time in 3 weeks, (second time since she left). It is a hard decision to make, if I say no to her demands, then most likely we are going court, she cannot afford it, she will have to borrow money from her family to pay for the legal costs. I still cannot bring myself to do that. On the other hand, considering how everything is being handled by her and her family, I have all the reasons to act in the same way they did. Then it will turn into a revenge game, I wish she had the decency to talk me in a civil way. I never expect an apology, but I hope there will at least be some morality from her side.

 

I do miss her a lot still, but I certainly do not love the person she is now. I have been drinking a lot, had over 20 martinis the other day, I wish there was an answer and end to all this. It has been too long, I don't want to bother my lovely friends too much, no one wants to be around someone miserable like me, my families are still overseas, my father could not get leave, and my mother is unwell, the lawyers said I need to stay and protect my assets, since the house is under my wifes name, technically she could sell everything.

[Kivu]

Oh my god.

 

I just read this whole thread. Le Corb. I know you are suffering now, I fully and completely understand that. I actually feeling like finding this woman and smacking her, myself, and I don't even know you OR her. How could anyone do this? With no warning? Christ.

 

Honey, (if I can call you honey) do what your lawyers are telling you! Think about this for a second -- SHE is the one taking YOU to court. SHE is deciding to spend money she doesn't have in order to pursue YOU. YOU are not at fault in the fact that she's borrowing money to take you to court! This is HER decision. She's adroitly made you feel like it's your decision -- it's not!

 

Please don't feel guilty about this. Why should you feel guilty about someone else's decision?

 

Do exactly what your lawyers are telling you. As someone in this thread has already said, the more you give to her, the more you take away from your future wife and children. You'll kick yourself later.

[Mauschen]

Le Corb,

 

PLEASE do not give her more than you are required to by court order. Some day, you may meet a woman who adores you and have children with her. Save what you have for them.

 

And please stop drinking! There are people in the world who care about you and want to see you get through this. And the future is still ahead of you. I know how bleak it may seem now (I've been through divorce myself), but it does get better. I am now married to a wonderful, loving man who is emotionally well and communicates well. People who won't betray you DO exist.

[Le Corb]

Thank you so much Kivu, Mauschen, DeeMo, rob, ifIknewthen, downtown etc. everyone here has been wonderful, its always heartwarming to read your encouraging words. (feel free to call me whatever you like, I really dont mind.)

 

Went out with five ladies the other night, they all said that I will find someone much better, someone who will look after me, and appreciate me, they will make sure of that, what my wife did was horrible, many women I know want to smack her, a lot of people invited me to stay at their homes and even offered to pay for my legal costs... I don't know why I still love her, its hard to imagine loving someone else that deeply, to me she is still the most beautiful woman I have ever met.

 

People saying that money will destroy her, she has never been good at finance, if she keeps on treating people like this, I do worry about that, I hope she finds what she is looking for in life, there is nothing more I can do but wishing her the best, I do want to thank her with all my gratitude, after all it was a pleasure to share the eight years of my life with her, let it be happiness, joy or sorrow, together we became better people, I will always remember her smile.

 

Its hard to say goodbye, I never had a chance to bid my farewell, nor she will listen, I will give her the letter at mediation with our wedding rings, I wish I could give her a hug and wish her well for the last time.

Edited June 13, 2011 by Le Corb

[Steen719]

Thank you so much Kivu, Mauschen, DeeMo, rob, ifIknewthen, downtown etc. everyone here has been wonderful, its always heartwarming to read your encouraging words. (feel free to call me whatever you like, I really dont mind.)

 

Went out with five ladies the other night, they all said that I will find someone much better, someone who will look after me, and appreciate me, they will make sure of that, what my wife did was horrible, many women I know want to smack her, a lot of people invited me to stay at their homes and even offered to pay for my legal costs... I don't know why I still love her, its hard to imagine loving someone else that deeply, to me she is still the most beautiful woman I have ever met.

 

People saying that money will destroy her, she has never been good at finance, if she keeps on treating people like this, I do worry about that, I hope she finds what she is looking for in life, there is nothing more I can do but wishing her the best, I do want to thank her with all my gratitude, after all it was a pleasure to share the eight years of my life with her, let it be happiness, joy or sorrow, together we became better people, I will always remember her smile.

 

Its hard to say goodbye, I never had a chance to bid my farewell, nor she will listen, I will give her the letter at mediation with our wedding rings, I wish I could give her a hug and wish her well for the last time.

 

Le Corb,

I don't know if this will help or not, but I was divorced in my late 20's from a man I loved. I look at this now and I think it was that we were very different (and he drank too much). Anyway, for a while, I really spent some time alternately wishing he would realize what he was missing or find himself at the bottom of the bottle he was always drinking. I met him when I was 18 and I was really crazy about him. I won't say that I got "better " really fast, but I did get better and better until I can honestly say that I wished him no harm at all and in fact wished him happiness, but I no longer had any feelings about what he was doing or who it might be with and I no longer "worried" about him. (We had no kids) I just did not care anymore.

 

It is really difficult to imagine that you can come out on the other side of a situation and feel differently, but you can and you will. You cannot imagine this, I know, but it happens all of the time. You will be OK and you will have experience behind you to draw from (as I am now) that lets you know you can get through a lot that you do not think you are strong enough to. Grieve as you must and one day, you will wake up and it will occur to you that you don't feel as much like crap as you did the last time you thought about it. Really, I mean this. Best to you.