Is this marriage savable?

[PinkInTheLimo]

Oh my god.

 

I just read this whole thread. Le Corb. I know you are suffering now, I fully and completely understand that. I actually feeling like finding this woman and smacking her, myself, and I don't even know you OR her. How could anyone do this? With no warning? Christ.

 

Honey, (if I can call you honey) do what your lawyers are telling you! Think about this for a second -- SHE is the one taking YOU to court. SHE is deciding to spend money she doesn't have in order to pursue YOU. YOU are not at fault in the fact that she's borrowing money to take you to court! This is HER decision. She's adroitly made you feel like it's your decision -- it's not!

 

Please don't feel guilty about this. Why should you feel guilty about someone else's decision?

 

Do exactly what your lawyers are telling you. As someone in this thread has already said, the more you give to her, the more you take away from your future wife and children. You'll kick yourself later.

 

Le Corb, I only discovered this thread now and I really feel for you. I am amazed at the cold way in which your wife left you.

 

I understand that your love for her is not gone yet but you really have to accept that it is over and that she is not a good person.

 

And I agree that you should now defend your own financial interests and not give more to her than what your lawyers say you should. Walking away the way she did is one thing and you can't change that, but on top of that trying to squeeze out as much money of you as she can, is not something you should let happen.

 

I hope that one day you will find someone who truly loves you.

[Le Corb]

I didn't drink for over 8 years, not even casually, only started 3 months ago since she left...

 

Perhaps on the top of all the mentioned reasons, she left also because of she wanted adventure, and have a new start in life out of the wedlock. For whatever reasons it may be, clearly she no longer cares about me, or want to know anything about me. She is doing everything she could to get the payout in her favor ever since she left.

 

I still don't know how she (or any human being) could do what she did, maybe I never will, I am glad in someway, in fact I don't want to know, so I certainly won't do it to anyone.

 

No matter what she did, letting go of someone you truly love is the hardest, I don't think I can ever forget her, and all the good memories we had together, I did feel like I was loved, and life was beautiful. I miss coming home to hug her, and hearing her footsteps when she walks up the steps.

Edited June 13, 2011 by Le Corb

[PinkInTheLimo]

I didn't drink for over 8 years, not even casually, only started 3 months ago since she left...

 

Please take good care of yourself. Stay away from alcohol, you need all your physical strenght now. Whenever you feel like having a drink, go and exercise, even if you have to drag yourself to the gym or to the park to job.

 

No matter what she did, letting go of someone you truly love is the hardest, I don't think I can ever forget her, and all the good memories we had together, I did feel like I was loved, and life was beautiful.

 

That is what makes it so painful. The presence of this person made you so happy and now the same person has caused so much pain. It's difficult to put the beautiful memories in the "archives".

[Le Corb]

It is really hard not to think about her, I don't know how I can shelf all these memories into archives.

 

I remember on the day she left, after she said she was going for a walk on that saturday morning, I cooked breakfast for both of us waiting for her to come back, after a while I looked on the internet to see which film were showing in the cinema, I was going to take her to the movies after we buy the new bed and curtains in the afternoon for our newly renovated home. Then I checked my pay, I had been planning to buy her a nice surprise gift in the coming week after all the hard works with the renovation.

 

2 hours later, I thought she had an accident, I got worried and called her mobile phone, it was switched off, then I started tiding up the house, taking things out of boxes, hanging pictures back onto the walls, to make it look more like home again when she comes back, and have breakfast together.

 

She left the letter on a pile of other scrap papers, it was hard to see, I did not notice it until I started cleaning the table. There are just no words to describe how I felt even to this day, half of the letter is about property settlement, and how she wants to end it in a civil manner. 3 hours later she called me to check if I found the letter, I was in tears and asking why, I went to her brother and sister house that night searching for answers, they called the police to ask me to leave while she was laughing inside with her sister.

 

I forgave her for what she did, I didn't look after her well during the renovation, I was irrational, she probably was really unhappy, I hope I can make it up to her someday. It really hurts me to see her cry, I remember when I told her to do the homeworks of the university subjects that she was having trouble with, so she doesn't fail it again, she cried and said relationship is so hard, I was too critical of her. Now I look back I really should just let her listen to music and play solitaire on the computer instead of studying, she could not do all that during the renovation period, she must have felt like she lost her freedom, and I didn't want to go for a short holiday and some night time talks at a local university when she asked me to go during all the renovation works, I said no because I was so exhausted but it was silly of me. I shouldn't worry about her too much, I was always so concerned that she might drive the car into a ditch again, or hitting poles at car parks, perhaps I became too controlling after all the accidents. I was not easy to live with. Now she thinks "be careful on the road" is verbal abuse after reading Patricia Evans, I do see the point, I should never ask her to pass me the remote control, its very controlling. I cannot forgive myself that I did not buy that one pair of pants that she liked, I bought her the clothe that she liked and answered her questions when she asked for my advice because I was controlling her appearance and didn't always agree on her restaurant of choice 100% of the times. These books made a lot of sense, I am glad that she asked me to read them before I go to mediation. I said many hurtful things when I felt like I was drowning, walking on egg shells, and after being abandoned or locked out of the car, when I was sick of apologizing to myself for things that I have not done, I said awful things like "I am going to die young from all the stress", "I don't want to see you", "why do you make the same mistakes again and again", "perhaps it will be good if you have an accident, then I don't have to put up with you again", "One day you will become a better person, a better wife". It was all emotional and verbal abuse after studying all the books. In the past 8 years we both did become better people, after all we have invested time and love in each other, she did not even try to fix any of the small problems, and just gave up. Perhaps we seeked perfection in each other, then we end up bitter, because we all have faults, we just took what we had and how much we meant for each other for granted. My insecurity has caused the loss of my best friend, my true love and my wife. I cannot forgive myself. I cannot move on.

Edited June 15, 2011 by Le Corb

[Downtown]

Le Corb, your perception is still distorted by your grief. Your W did not leave you because you because you were abusive but, rather, because she has strong traits of a personality disorder -- most likely BPD -- as I explained above. A woman who mistakenly perceives "pass me the remote" and "be careful on the road" as verbal abuse is far less functional than a normal healthy adult. If she cannot handle that, what the hell is she going to do when far more stressful events occur: raising kids, surviving cancer or crippling arthritis, handling the death of her parents and siblings, recovering from a lost job or failed investment, and dealing with a car accident or house fire?

[sumdude]

Le Corb, just read your thread... and it all sounds all too familiar to me. Sorry to hear what you're going though. My gut tells me that it's over and un salvegable. Sorry...but I'll bet that over time you will find yourself better off though right now it's impossible for you to see it.

 

I was with my ex for almost 8 years, married less than two. We went through some tough stuff with my mom diagnosed and then passing from cancer etc etc. For the last few months of the relationship she went cold and angry. I went out of the country for work for two weeks. When I came back she was someone else, tried to accuse me of cheating by planting something in my suitcase. A pair of earrings. I started getting an idea that something else was going on. Then one day dropped me off at work in the morning, said she had a dental appointment. A few hours later she returned my calls to tell me she moved out. Looking back I can say that my ex likely had some sort of BPD.

 

The reality is she left me to move in with another man. Of course she denied it. Even a year later the last time I saw her at my fathers grave. Told me she was remarried but lied about who it was... it amazed me to no end.

 

For so long I blamed myself because she blamed me. She told so many lies it was second nature to her. God only knows what the people in her brand new life think of me. Can only imagine the horrid things they've been told about me. By the end I doubted myself, my perception of reality, thought I was the crazy one, my self esteem was in the toilet and I couldn't trust myself or almost anyone else, particularly women.

 

This quote from one the articles someone linked to blew my mind..

 

" If you've ever fallen in love with a Borderline, you could come away from this experience having lost your trust in women--but also, in yourself. In my view, this is the most tragic consequence of these relationships. Everything you've grown up believing you should want in a female, has come into question during the time it has taken you to survive and recover from, this emotionally wrenching affair. Along similar lines of a post-traumatic stress reaction, you're no longer able to feel confident that your perceptions and instincts will serve and protect you. In short, you're left with considerable scars--and while your head might tell you that not all women are going to wreak such havoc, your heart is never again quite sure. "

 

Right now you're suffering a form of PTSD. When your entire life is pulled out from under you so suddenly you'll go into a deep depression and your mind will go mad trying to make sense of something that does not and will never make sense. Since the only data you have is what you've been told and your own thoughts you're naturally blaming yourself.. because that's all the data you have. If you had the truth of what she's really been up to and doing then you might be able to make a different conclusion. Hang in there. It wasn't your fault... believe it. Sure you made your share of mistakes in the relationship but the way it ended and the fact it ended is all on her, The way her mother is acting tells me sooo much. Her mother is clearly an emotional vampire who is manipulating the hell out of you. Twisted B$#@%!! Trying to guilt you into conceding way more than you should. Apples don't fall far from the tree so your soon to be ex is either not much different inside or simply goes along with her mom. You DO NOT deserve this!! You did not bring it upon yourself!

 

Don't believe a single thing either of them say!!

 

Repeat

 

Don't believe anything you heard or will hear from her or her mom. Yes you loved her, maybe in her way she tried to love you. But maybe she's not capable of a true long lasting intimate relationship and right now she's just trying to twist the knife and punish you for her own twisted reasons. Look, you didn't know, you couldn't have known, you did the best you could. The fact that you haven't bought yourself clothes for years reminds me of myself by the time my ex flew the coop. I was wearing ancient worn out stinky sneakers, ragged shirts and jeans, had gained 40 lbs., I was a shadow of myself because I had worked soo hard on the relationship I was completely depleted. I threw all I had into the black hole that was inside her. She couldn't help it either, she didn't make herself that way and wasn't capable or willing to understand it. It took me a while to forgive myself and let go of the shame.

 

This is hard, but it's time to go strictly business. You may not appreciate it now but the fact that she cut all contact with you will be a blessing in the long run as you heal. At least she isn't stringing you along, giving you false hope and toying with you to punish you. Though it seems she trying to do it financially.

 

Obviously there will have to be some settlement. Stay strong, your heart may say one thing but trust your mind more right now. I have a feeling that you might fold in arbitration. Do not hesitate to walk away from the table.

I'll be back to post again. You will get through this. I did, hurt like heck and took a while.

 

Things to do?

 

Do not contact your soon to be ex, her mother, any member of her family or her friends. period! Any correspondence is strictly for business purposes.

Exercise, exercise, and exercise. best therapy I ever had.

Lay off the booze.

Stay as busy as you can. Sitting around brooding in your mind doesn't help.

You may feel like you're wearing friends out but I bet at least one or two are willing to listen. Lean on them, that's what friends are for.

Edited June 15, 2011 by sumdude

[Downtown]

^^^^^ Dude, what a wonderful post! Thanks so much for sharing your experiences with us.

[IfiKnewThen]

quote :Since the only data you have is what you've been told and your own thoughts you're naturally blaming yourself.. because that's all the data you have. If you had the truth of what she's really been up to and doing then you might be able to make a different conclusion. Hang in there. It wasn't your fault... believe it. Sure you made your share of mistakes in the relationship but the way it ended and the fact it ended is all on her,

 

 

that does make sense.

 

 

le corb one more thing. pray. believe. ask a higher power..i call it God... for peace and guidance.

 

do things that make you feel better about yourself. u ARE a good person. reprogram your brain and trust it to be true. you have been programed to believe you did something so bad to warrant this. but you DIDNT. no one deserves garbage.

[Le Corb]

sumdude, thanks for sharing your story and your advice. Its always good to hear that there is an end to all this,

 

It does feel like I was loving a blackhole, all my love, my heart, everything I have is being torn apart, and feeding it. on the day she left I called her mother, and she laughed on the phone when I asked her did she tell you any of this and what she had been planning. I still do not know what to make out of it, later she said they are prepared to make the financial settlement difficult.

 

I received a horrible letter from her lawyer, they valued the house 30% more than its market value, and in the letter it says as a result of my "anxiety disorder", my wife was the full time carer for me for 8 years! and she deserves more in term of payment. During the renovation and the asbestos problem, we had to consult with some professional overseas, so we both made some phone calls after mid night (about 5 times from what I can remember, and it was all done on the days that she did not have work commitment the next day), now she is saying that it affected her, and asking for damage. Same as when we were buying artworks from dealers in new york and london, she made some late night phone calls to finalize the transaction, because of the time difference, now she is saying that it damaged her life.

 

Another claim is I cannot drive, so she was taking us to all the social outings, gallery openings, concert halls, etc. she was providing the transportation, therefore more damages. When she visited my family overseas last year, they bought her a few designer clothes, shoes, handbags, luxury watch, (not to mention entire holiday, airfare, best restaurants and personal tour guide, interrupter, chauffeur etc.) now she is claiming all the shopping, so many she could not take it all and now she is asking my family to send the remaining items over to her as a part of the settlement.

 

I am speechless after reading the letter today. Is there morality left? I would not even to this to someone I don't know, let along to someone who I loved and shared 8 years of my life with. This is madness.

Edited June 16, 2011 by Le Corb

[Le Corb]

IfiKnewThen, I went out today, seems like friends are happy to see me again, got to know a lot of new people, met two lovely ladies from the fashion industry today, they said they will design some clothe for me. A lot of friends are trying to help, inviting me to their homes and studios. I prayed for forgiveness, thats all I need, I am never expecting an apology, I also prayed for her happiness.

[robf1971]

sumdude, thanks for sharing your story and your advice. Its always good to hear that there is an end to all this,

 

It does feel like I was loving a blackhole, all my love, my heart, everything I have is being torn apart, and feeding it. on the day she left I called her mother, and she laughed on the phone when I asked her did she tell you any of this and what she had been planning. I still do not know what to make out of it, later she said they are prepared to make the financial settlement difficult.

 

I received a horrible letter from her lawyer, they valued the house 30% more than its market value, and in the letter it says as a result of my "anxiety disorder", my wife was the full time carer for me for 8 years! and she deserves more in term of payment. During the renovation and the asbestos problem, we had to consult with some professional overseas, so we both made some phone calls after mid night (about 5 times from what I can remember, and it was all done on the days that she did not have work commitment the next day), now she is saying that it affected her, and asking for damage. Same as when we were buying artworks from dealers in new york and london, she made some late night phone calls to finalize the transaction, because of the time difference, now she is saying that it damaged her life.

 

Another claim is I cannot drive, so she was taking us to all the social outings, gallery openings, concert halls, etc. she was providing the transportation, therefore more damages. When she visited my family overseas last year, they bought her a few designer clothes, shoes, handbags, luxury watch, (not to mention entire holiday, airfare, best restaurants and personal tour guide, interrupter, chauffeur etc.) now she is claiming all the shopping, so many she could not take it all and now she is asking my family to send the remaining items over to her as a part of the settlement.

 

I am speechless after reading the letter today. Is there morality left? I would not even to this to someone I don't know, let along to someone who I loved and shared 8 years of my life with. This is madness.

 

Le corb, let this letter be your wake up call. Please fight her on this? For the sake of your own future.

[IfiKnewThen]

i wish i was as decent in my prayers. i just think its good to ask for peace and to cope and get to the end of the dark tunnel and se the light of joy again. iots GREAT you prayed for her. thats what God tells us to do. even pray for our enemies. Good job!

[Mauschen]

Le Corb,

 

I am so sorry! I think some of her accusations and requests for damages are really unreasonable. Hopefully a judge will recognize that. She is even asking your family for things, and they owe her nothing at all.

 

Please do NOT give her anything unless you are court ordered to do so.

[PinkInTheLimo]

and in the letter it says as a result of my "anxiety disorder", my wife was the full time carer for me for 8 years! and she deserves more in term of payment.

 

Le Corb, I don't understand this. Have you been working while you were married? Then how could she be your full time carer?

 

You know what I think? That your wife has a very good lawyer and you'd better make sure you have one as well.

[Le Corb]

I worked hard and I did everything I could to provide for her, we cared for each other like all couples do, I cared for her as much as she cared for me, I even did some of her homeworks, it was pretty equal, she did the cooking and washing, I did the cleaning and house keeping, I don't understand how could you convert emotional support into monetary terms... it really hurts me. She is saying that my "anxiety" has been affecting her life and study, she had to constantly assure me with my concerns (such as the asbestos problem, which she completely dismissed as not dangerous and it was no more than just irrational thinking by me), we often went out for dinners etc. so she could not finish her degree and get a full time job, last time I spoke to her, she told me that she is changing her major again for the 4th time at university, I hope she finishes it this time.

 

Now she is caring and cooking for her brother, sister and sisters boyfriend, all have drug and alcoholic abuse problems, I wonder if she will blame them, you cannot even walk into their house without stepping on something, the mother used to visit 4-5 times a year to change the bedsheets and clean the house for them after the parents moved out of home to look for jobs in another state. I thought my wife was different from them, my family and I financially supported her, so she could study whichever major she liked at university, at the start her mother was calling everyday to ask her to quit from studying and get a job at a farm picking potatoes instead. Many people are saying that I should be glad that I got away from the family, it was never going to work, now they are just after money.

[Le Corb]

Now I really have no choice but fighting back, my family has been treating her well, they do not deserve any of this.

 

How can I cut off from her emotionally? Thats what I find the hardest, I still think about all the good times we had, I cannot act cold and heartless like she does. Mediation is on the 6th of July, I need to prepare for that and try to negotiate, I am seeing 3 lawyers (2 for advice), they all suggested 10%, my stbxw is asking 50% and half of the art collection which I paid for most of it.

 

15 weeks so far, she has been ruthless with no compassion what so ever, I am afraid that there might not be any negotiation at mediation, it will be just her blaming me, and asking for those outrageous demands.

 

What can I do to cut myself off from the past? The memories still haunt me, perhaps I will always love her, the more I love her the more hurtful it becomes.

[sumdude]

Now I really have no choice but fighting back, my family has been treating her well, they do not deserve any of this.

 

How can I cut off from her emotionally? Thats what I find the hardest, I still think about all the good times we had, I cannot act cold and heartless like she does. Mediation is on the 6th of July, I need to prepare for that and try to negotiate, I am seeing 3 lawyers (2 for advice), they all suggested 10%, my stbxw is asking 50% and half of the art collection which I paid for most of it.

 

15 weeks so far, she has been ruthless with no compassion what so ever, I am afraid that there might not be any negotiation at mediation, it will be just her blaming me, and asking for those outrageous demands.

 

What can I do to cut myself off from the past? The memories still haunt me, perhaps I will always love her, the more I love her the more hurtful it becomes.

 

It takes time but it will happen. I'm just surprised at this point that the anger hasn't hit you. It's part of the grieving process and you are grieving the loss of someone. Anger in of itself isn't bad, it's just an emotion which is perfectly natural and human. What we do with it is more important. It can be a tool to help put in some emotional distance. Anger turned inwards leads to depression. Obviously I've only heard one side of this story but what I've heard makes me a little PO'd. You might want to look inside of yourself and ask if you;re repressing something here. It's all good and fine to be forgiving, but there's nothing wrong with allowing the pain to be released in a little anger.

 

Hope this made some sense to you. I know when went through it I told my then roommate that I would have a form of turrets syndrome. I concocted the most spiteful string of nasty names for my soon to be ex, they were also kinda funny. I gave me an outlet for my anger but also a bit of comic relief.

[Le Corb]

When I look in the mirror, I still feel all these guilt, I wish I took her to the places where she wanted to go; I was critical of her and her family, we distanced ourselves from them; I was too controlling during the asbestos problem; I was not there for her emotionally, why didn't she say anything?; why did I say all those hurtful things after all her runnings and driving away, I was stupid; I should just take her bad temper and should not complain about anything, all my feelings were irrational; Those words hurt her, I close my eyes, I can only see her crying, then I weep, and apologizing to myself as always. I have never cheated on her, or hit her, I didn't even drink for 8 years. I want to hear her side of the story, I am still putting all the puzzles together from the only meeting I had with her and her lawyers letter, I will continue to list them here when I hear more from her, or indirectly from the 2 friends she kept contact with, so far they said they don't know much more than what I and my stbxw told them, maybe I will never find out her side of the story, I accept that.

 

Because of all these guilt, I cannot be angry, I cannot forgive myself, how can I be angry at her, she was the nicest person I know, the most loving and caring, she deserves more flowers and happiness, I don't want to call her names, she will always be the person who I truly love.

Edited June 17, 2011 by Le Corb

[Mauschen]

When I look in the mirror, I still feel all these guilt, I wish I took her to the places where she wanted to go; I was critical of her and her family, we distanced ourselves from them; I was too controlling during the asbestos problem; I was not there for her emotionally, why didn't she say anything?; why did I say all those hurtful things after all her runnings and driving away, I was stupid; I should just take her bad temper and should not complain about anything, all my feelings were irrational; Those words hurt her, I close my eyes, I can only see her crying, then I weep, and apologizing to myself as always. I have never cheated on her, or hit her, I didn't even drink for 8 years. I want to hear her side of the story, I am still putting all the puzzles together from the only meeting I had with her and her lawyers letter, I will continue to list them here when I hear more from her, or indirectly from the 2 friends she kept contact with, so far they said they don't know much more than what I and my stbxw told them, maybe I will never find out her side of the story, I accept that.

 

Because of all these guilt, I cannot be angry, I cannot forgive myself, how can I be angry at her, she was the nicest person I know, the most loving and caring, she deserves more flowers and happiness, I don't want to call her names, she will always be the person who I truly love.

 

 

Le Corb,

 

In a healthy marriage, people COMMUNICATE. No one is perfect and no one is ever the amazing prince charming or the dream woman Hollywood depicts. We all make mistakes, say things we shouldn't have said, etc.

 

Your wife never told you how she felt, she never communicated with you. Thus, you could never have known how she actually felt. Additionally, her thoughts about late night phone calls and shopping too much while traveling being traumatizing for her are just plain bizarre. Everyone's lives contain some degree of "sacrifice" if you can even call her circumstances that. Most women have it a lot more difficult than she did.

 

So, dear le Corb, stop beating yourself up over all of this because it is impossible for you to have pleased someone who is unable to communicate her needs and desires and who is obviously also not please-able. She simply does NOT deserve any kindness from you. And her kindness that you speak of seems only to have been weakness to confront you with any issues or emotions she was feeling. She is not a kind person or a loving person. A kind and loving person would have told you how she felt, worked with you to change things for the better, and not abandoned you so heartlessly.

 

Let go of your guilt and please try to see her as we all see her. I truly hope that you can understand this point of view. In the future, you may find another love and then you will realize just how not loving or kind your wife was to you.

[Le Corb]

Thanks Mauschen,

 

In the first paragraph from letter that she left, she said she is not a good communicator, and if she talked to me I would not listen. Of course I would, if she said she was not happy with the marriage and relationship, of course I would go to marriage counseling, she didn't even suggest it, just gave up, faked it and ran away.

 

Now I look back, it feels like even if she said something, it would be something like, we either go overseas this year or get a divorce; we either go to this restaurant I like or get a divorce; Lets sleep with asbestos during renovation or get a divorce; I need more money I can spend on things I like and buy whatever I want or separate; I want to take my friends out for dinner, whether I pay for it or get a divorce; they are the reasons that she has been telling me on the phone in term of why she left, along with verbal abuse, whatever I said in regard to the above is now verbal abuse. Also those smallest things, like I said no to one pair of pants she liked; I don't like some songs in her cd collection; We didn't go to the lecture that she wanted to attend; She didn't go overseas or interstate for holiday this year; I complained that I didn't eat at our wedding, because her sister sat in my chair most of the time; the list goes on, things that I didn't even take notice.

 

Now according to her lawyers letter, the official reason is shifted back to being my anxiety again, it caused her so much stress especially during the renovation, it affected her life and studies, she is seeking for damages. And my family should pay her out if I don't sell the house, and they have to post her the rest of the luxury shopping they bought for her overseas last year, things she could not bring back, because her suitcases were too full, (all because that my family asked her to bring one candle holder back for me as a gift, since she didn't buy me anything from the trip, as a result she could not pack more of her things, last time I spoke to her she is still angry about it).

 

Over the phone she said she could not wait to buy more properties any more, she just wants what she can get now and leave, I am so glad that we didn't win the auction just before christmas and start building a new house or look into buying the house that she took me to see 1 week before she left, it was lucky that my family didn't listen to her about buying the restaurant she liked under our names. I remember her mother called me when I just got out of the hospital telling me that they are not skimming or anything, I was just too anxious, her daughter didn't like it.

 

I gave up on searching for reasons now, I realized that I would be insane if I could figure it out. At least I have my sanity. I do not know why I still miss her a lot, I feel lonely, like today I just stayed in bed and cried, normally we go to the bookshops and galleries on the weekend, I miss having her around, its hard to move on sometimes.

Edited June 18, 2011 by Le Corb

[Le Corb]

Today I greeted a familiar visitor at home, he never speaks, I knew he was there for a while, because he always comes with the scent of the past. I walked up to him, his breaths are cold, it freezes my soul, yet gives solace in the wintry night. I looked into his hollow face, water of lethe I drank from my weeping eyes. I offered a hand shake, he walked right through me, left nothing no even shadows when he walked pass, I longed for hope, only waiting to be forgotten in the dust of time.

[Downtown]

Now I look back, it feels like even if she said something, it would be something like, we either go overseas this year or get a divorce; we either go to this restaurant I like or get a divorce....

Le Corb, as I explained earlier, this frequent use of irrational "explanations" and childish bullying to justify her selfish behavior is a classic trait of a person having strong BPD traits. Because a BPDer's emotional development is stuck at about age four, she frequently experiences uncontrolled feelings that are so intense she is convinced they MUST be true. She therefore attempts to rationalize them with whatever rationale comes to mind. The result -- as you will see in fifty other threads I've participated in on this forum -- is a BPDer saying such ridiculous things that the partner marvels an adult is able to say such things and keep a straight face at the same time.

I gave up on searching for reasons now, I realized that I would be insane if I could figure it out.

This is why BPD -- unlike all of the other nine personality disorders -- is notorious for making most of the nonBPD partners feel like they are losing their minds. Indeed, this "I must be going crazy" feeling is so well known that, at the BPD websites targeted to such partners, they have given it a name: "gaslighting." It is named after Gaslight, the classic 1944 movie in which a husband (Charles Boyer) tries to drive his new bride (Ingrid Bergman) crazy. He does so in an attempt to have her committed to a mental hospital so he can run off with her family's jewels. In my opinion, it is a testament to your strength and intelligence that you haven't succumbed to that crazy-inducing gaslighting so typical of an unstable BPDer. Edited June 18, 2011 by Downtown

[Le Corb]

My stbxw and her family did try to keep me in the hospital for as long as they could, the mother even called and asked for the names of my doctors, so she could prolong my stay. My friends helps me to change the locks at home and moved some valuables out as soon as I got out.

 

It seems like she took some real estate agents to the house when I was not there, to get the newly renovated house valued, and her lawyer is listing 30% more than the current market value.

 

It is just getting too much emotionally, financially and physically, I cannot handle this anymore.

[Le Corb]

Sound of my life falling apart...

 

I feel dead, there is just nothing to look forward to in life anymore, whats left? I am no more than a walking dead, just a walking corpse with no life in me.

 

2am, I took so many sedatives, still cannot go to sleep, no contact for almost 2 months, nothing seems to work, only got the horrible letter from her lawyer, it just hurts me more, thats what I don't understand, on top of the outrageous demands financially, it seems like she wants to emotionally destroy me, so she and her family get everything?

 

I don't know why I still want to reconcile at this stage, call me mad, blind by love, I do miss her all the time, spent most of the day in bed, I am sick of crying everyday, hoping to hear her footsteps and voice again. Is it true that when a woman makes up her mind and stops loving someone she will never change it?

 

I feel like life has nothing to offer anymore, it simply cannot go on like this, I don't know how long I can handle, it might get worse when I see her for the last time at mediation. If I could wait for 30 years knowing that she will come back I would without thinking twice.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Sound of my life falling apart...

 

I feel dead, there is just nothing to look forward to in life anymore, whats left? I am no more than a walking dead, just a walking corpse with no life in me.

 

2am, I took so many sedatives, still cannot go to sleep, no contact for almost 2 months, nothing seems to work, only got the horrible letter from her lawyer, it just hurts me more, thats what I don't understand, on top of the outrageous demands financially, it seems like she wants to emotionally destroy me, so she and her family get everything?

 

I don't know why I still want to reconcile at this stage, call me mad, blind by love, I do miss her all the time, spent most of the day in bed, I am sick of crying everyday, hoping to hear her footsteps and voice again. Is it true that when a woman makes up her mind and stops loving someone she will never change it?

 

I feel like life has nothing to offer anymore, it simply cannot go on like this, I don't know how long I can handle, it might get worse when I see her for the last time at mediation. If I could wait for 30 years knowing that she will come back I would without thinking twice.

 

Le Corb, I feel your pain. I would take it away from you if I could but it does not work that way. You have opened the door to your heart, you have trusted and your wife threw that door back in your face. It's horrible. It would be easier if you could get angry with her, if you could hate her but you really loved her so you can't be angry. What can I say? That it will get better with time, and that with time you will understand that she did not deserve your love. That's no consolation now, I now that. You are mourning and that's the normal thing to do when a relationship ends. You miss her like crazy but at the same time you now more and more see how she wants to destroy you. Le Corb, let me tell you this: don't let her do that. Get a good lawyer and work towards a reasonable, fair settlement.

 

You sound like you are having a really bad day. It's the weekend so it is probably even harder. Is there a friend or a family member that you can call and ask to spend some time with you? I think it would be good if you have some company today, even if it's only to sit at home and be sad. Or if you have the courage, go for a walk or for a run.

 

Don't give up, Le Corb. You are still young and life still has beautiful things for you in store even if it's very hard to believe that now. Try to accept that your marriage is over. Look that fact in the eye and cry and scream for weeks and months but face it. Because the longer you delay accepting this, the longer you will hurt.

Edited June 18, 2011 by PinkInTheLimo