bubbles1 Posted April 24, 2011 Share Posted April 24, 2011 I posted this thread in the family section but I thought it also belongs in the abuse section and I'm seeking as much advice and others thoughts as I can get... My mom met a random guy at work a while ago. She had been seeing him for a few weeks and found out that he was lying about where he was living and was cheating on her. (He told her he wasn't involved with anyone else.) My mom let him move in when he decided to pack his bags and TELL her he was moving in with her. He then left my mom and moved back in with the ex he had been living with before, that he'd been lying about. My mom tried to kill herself because he left her. When she got out of the psychiatric hospital he moved right on back in and they acted as if nothing ever happened. Finally, after all of that she decides to bring him to my home to meet me. I knew within the first 10 minutes that I did not like the man. He simply gave me the creeps. She starts calling me and telling me about how bad he treats her. She's not allowed to get out of bed until he does. So she has to lie in bed for hours until he gets awake. She's not allowed to talk to people and I'm not sure if that's people in general or just people he doesn't like. One night she said he punched a man and pushed the man's wife off of her bar stool for talking to her when he told her not to talk to them. He's destroyed things in her home when throwing a temper tantrum, including my PC monitor. He threw her phone and it just so happens that the phone bounced up and gave her a black eye. She's called me in the middle of the night crying and telling me that she's done with him. She said that he grabbed her throat and slammed her against the car window and then did it again that night while pulling her hair. She had bruises all over her yet "he didn't hit her" she says. She's told me that this guy has stolen someone's Christmas money out of their card and cigarette packs and money from his friends. He's drained her bank account dry continuously and tells her what to do with her money. She's been drinking heavily, driving drunk, and experimenting with drugs while being with him. These are just the examples off the top of my mind. Trust me there's a lot more even more disturbing things. To top it all off, all of this information I have on him comes from her yet she wants me to accept him. She told me a month ago that she was going to quit drinking. Whether or not that she did I don't know because I haven't heard from her. She doesn't come see me or her grandchild because she says I have isolated her. The most that I've gotten from her is an e-mail from her where she says that I am being unfair and haven't given her boyfriend a chance. (He is not allowed on my property. I don't trust the man around my family, home or myself.) She's told me that I HAVE to accept him because she loves him with all of her heart. I think we should be able to have a relationship around him, or for better words without him. Am I being unfair? Do I have to accept this creep or lose my mom? Will she ever leave him? I am so very desperate for some advice. Please send me your thoughts! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 24, 2011 Share Posted April 24, 2011 you have a healthy boundary, stick with it. protect yourself and your family. your Mom is in al "altered" state... from the alcohol, drugs and the control of the man - and SHE is choosing all of it over you... which makes it HER choice to betray you. don't let her blame you - you are doing the right thing for you. she has no clarity - and until she does - it will look the same or worse. pray that she gets help. pray. hugs and more hugs. keep that boundary tight. Link to post Share on other sites
cleansingtides Posted April 24, 2011 Share Posted April 24, 2011 It is extremely obvious that this relationship is an unhealthy, dangerous, possibly even life-threatening one. If you care about your mother you need to make whatever efforts possible to separate these two. Even if it takes recording a phone conversation with her revealing that he has hurt her to get him in jail. Do whatever it takes. Be careful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bubbles1 Posted April 24, 2011 Author Share Posted April 24, 2011 I've told her to get away from him many times. I've told her that she needs to get a restraining order against him and she agrees but never does it. She's now telling me that her and her boyfriend have been getting along for a while and that they are happy. I only see more detriment in the future but the more I push the more she backs away from me. She's insisting that I have to accept him now that they are getting along. Those things that he did to her are not going away in my head. I can't bring myself to forgive him when all I know about him is the awful things he's capable of and the fear of the things I don't know he's capable of. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bubbles1 Posted April 24, 2011 Author Share Posted April 24, 2011 you have a healthy boundary, stick with it. protect yourself and your family. your Mom is in al "altered" state... from the alcohol, drugs and the control of the man - and SHE is choosing all of it over you... which makes it HER choice to betray you. don't let her blame you - you are doing the right thing for you. she has no clarity - and until she does - it will look the same or worse. pray that she gets help. pray. hugs and more hugs. keep that boundary tight. Thank you so much for your advice. I think I definitely needed to see this. Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 Anything to do with strangulation is a highly dangerous sign. In the UK the Police can prosecute without the consent of the person being abused because it is recognised that the person may be too entrenched in the situation. I hope it is the same where you live. So, I would call the Police if she calls again in the throes of any abuse and let them deal with it. Keep those boundaries tight. Take care, Eve x Link to post Share on other sites
Irishlove Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 Wow, that's alot to take in. Hopefully your mother knows when she wants out she can get out. In the US it's 211 and that's the United Way. There are always domestic units that take calls. She just needs to listen, Can you have an intervention? Just with the mother and family (not the man). SHe needs to see a professional or support group. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts