Dealing with 'Friend Vibe' with someone you liked

[saliv1215]

So i went with this girl that I met online and had a great 1st date, had coffee and spoke for 5 hours in person. My 2nd date was a week later and that I thought went well, we took a walk in the park with her dog and then got dinner afterward. She dropped me home and we kissed gnite (more like a small smooch on the lips & not an extended make out session). We also made plans for date 3. When she got home, she calls me and says sorry, I dont mean to lead you on but I'm getting the friend vibe with you and if you want to hang out later, I'm up for that and she basically cancelled our date 3. What bugs me is that our dates went really well, there was no awkwardness and we didn't even leave each others company for a second the whole time. Its frustrating when you dont get any feedback and have no idea at what point did this whole thing collapse

 

And now after 2 dates, I feel really lousy. I really liked her and was confident that something would develop. There were signs during our date that seemed to indicate that we'd be hanging out more (she said I could borrow a video she wanted me to see) and thats what makes it even more frustrating.

 

She did text me the next day with this:

 

"I'm so sorry that I caught you off guard with my phone call after saying goodbye like I did- sometimes it takes me a while to process and digest feelings when I'm flustered and driving home gave me some time to think and reflect a bit. I wanted to be mindful of what you told me the first night we met (having a real relationship as the goal from match, over just friendships) - in other words, I just don't want to play games or lead you on and waste your time because I have a lot of respect for you too, and you deserve better than that! I just feel a more friendship vibe from you and I was more sure about that the second time we hung out. Please know that I'm here if you'd like a friend, and I would feel very blessed for that. Regardless, I do wish you the best."

 

Any chances I can still win her over or accept I'm in the friends zone and move on? I am open to being friends with her and she did mention that she was looking to meet friends and go from there i guess? i can't seem to remember. Any advice would be appreciated, as this thing has literary made me feel like crap. Oh, and she's 28, I'm 31. So much for being a man about it

Edited April 24, 2011 by saliv1215

[chuckles11]

You can't convince someone to be interested in you sexually. If you are actually interested in being friends with her, go ahead and hang out with her, but understand that there is a 99% chance that it will never be more than that. Don't think that you are somehow auditioning for a relationship with her.

[saliv1215]

Yeah, that just sucks and its hard being realistic about my chances. I got attached to the idea of being with her, not even sexually yet but just to be around her

[OliveOyl]

You got friendzoned.

 

Next time, try slightly increasing the physical contact during the second date.

 

I was about to friendzone a guy during a 2nd date but he made his intentions very clear, kissed me intensely, and it totally turned things around. Just went out with him again and we are definitely not just friends now.

 

It might not prevent the friendzoning but many women (like me) tend to think and analyze too much and friendzoning keeps things safe, while knowing she could always change her mind. There probably weren't any huge obvious deal-breakers or she probably wouldn't have accepted the 2nd date.

[carhill]

That text sounds like female double-talk, especially the 'friendship vibe from you'

 

Move on. Dead hole.

[saliv1215]

"It might not prevent the friendzoning but many women (like me) tend to think and analyze too much and friendzoning keeps things safe, while knowing she could always change her mind. "

So do they still want to hang out with those guys or is saying 'friend vibe from you' a way of saying I wasn't attracted to you. I guess it could be both, my question is if its worth trying to see if she changes her mind or something? What did you mean by keeping things safe?

[saliv1215]

Hmm, I guess I could have increased the physical contact but the feeling I got was she was shy and she wanted to take things slow

[carhill]

A woman (typically) forms stronger emotional bonds, with attendant vulnerability, through sex and sexual related activities so keeping interactions platonic stays any forays onto that slippery slope.

 

You'll find that most adult women have had negative experiences, some even abusive, with men they've bonded to in such a way, so those tapes are constantly running in the background. Like the robot on Lost in Space used to say, "Danger, Will Robinson, danger"

 

The friendzone is safe.

[fishtaco]

Yup, she's done. You could keep her as a friend and start playing mind games. Then you have a small chance of winning her over, or most likely have it blow up and you'll hate each other. It's a gamble, and if you lose, you pay the price.

 

But from my perspective, unless you're doing this for social experimentation, it's not worth the effort. You can spend a fraction of that effort and get a date with someone else.

 

I believe this has nothing to do with "friend vibe", this is just her "rejection spiel". There's no friendship to speak of in 2 outings. As of now, if you remove all the romantic intentions, you are nothing more than acquaintances.

 

But at least she tried. In my experience, most women don't have the courage to do what she did. They usually just flake out and let you figure it out on your own. So I say not bad. Kudos for her.

 

So the lesson to be learned here is:

1) Whatever you feel, is on your side only. Doesn't mean it is reciprocated by the other person. You have to find that out via other means. Usually by their actions.

2) Now you have a spiel you can use to reject women too. Remember it. It will come in handy one day.

 

But, what OliveOyl said is valuable too. If you're going to bomb out, it's always better to bomb out because you're going too far as opposed to not going far enough. Most women think "boys will be boys", so you can get away with a lot more than you think you can get away with.

 

As with ANYTHING with women, only one thing that counts -- if she likes you or not. Do the exact same damn thing, if she happens to not like you, you're too pushy, if she happens to like you, it's all good. So if ultimately she likes you, and it works out, then all that "getting away with pushing too far" would have been a non issue, because you weren't getting away with anything and you weren't pushing too far.

 

As for staying friends with her, it's your choice. Are you good at controlling your feelings? If you're not, stay away. But it's a skill you should learn. If you can, then instead of being friends with her, be acquaintances with her, because that's what you are, and then see what happens. Don't "try" to be friends with her. Let it happen or not happen naturally. In fact, since she rejected you and offered friendship, call her bluff and let her try. You just respond to her. She takes a step, then you take a step.

[chuckles11]

Yup, she's done. You could keep her as a friend and start playing mind games. Then you have a small chance of winning her over, or most likely have it blow up and you'll hate each other. It's a gamble, and if you lose, you pay the price.

 

But from my perspective, unless you're doing this for social experimentation, it's not worth the effort. You can spend a fraction of that effort and get a date with someone else.

 

 

I thought your post was great overall, but this part really highlights my main concern with the OP staying in contact with this woman.

 

One of the pitfalls of remaining friends in this situation is that it's easy for a guy to fall into the trap of focusing his energies on trying to win over someone who has already rejected him when he should be going out and meeting other girls who would be interested in having a romantic relationship with him.

 

The guy ends up taking friendship gestures as signs that the woman's interest level is growing and cuts down on his attempts to date new women as a result, only to later realize his folly when the woman gets a boyfriend or he makes another move and she shoots him down again.

 

You will meet other women you really like OP, I suggest you move on from this one.

[saliv1215]

Thanks guys for all the input and perspective. You've all made some great points and it sure helps me understand and learn better in this process. I hope to get good at it someday. I genuinely liked her and I guess I was smitten over her and I catch myself going back to our date and thinking a lot and wasting my time. I guess I got attracted to the idea that I could have a tall beautiful woman as my girlfriend and am still holding on to her.

Fishtaco, I love the idea of taking it one step at a time and calling her bluff.

On a side note, on my online dating profile, I see that she still clicks on my profile and visits it for some reason when she is online. Guess I'm thinking/over analyzing too much on that bit?

[saliv1215]

Yup, she's done. You could keep her as a friend and start playing mind games. Then you have a small chance of winning her over, or most likely have it blow up and you'll hate each other. It's a gamble, and if you lose, you pay the price.

 

 

So I had set my status on FB on how theres a storm and hope I make it home safely from school. She then proceeds to send me a private FB message saying something to the tune of 'drive safely, my dog was hiding in the closet all evening' . i replied with a 'made it home safe, the storm was centered right near where I was'

 

so is this a friendly message or mind games? I dunno, I'm so hung up over her when I should be focusing on other people

[fishtaco]

so is this a friendly message or mind games? I dunno, I'm so hung up over her when I should be focusing on other people

 

Friendly message. At this point she would not play any mind games with you. There's no point. If there are any mind games to be played, it would come from you, not her.

 

The purpose of mind games is to increase attraction. You're already attracted to her. No need for games.

 

However if she's a user, and wants to use you for something, anything from free drinks to being her emotional tampon, then she may dangle the carrot, if she's that type. Outside of that, there's really nothing else she needs to do; you already like her.

[spiderowl]

You could try being friends and see if her feelings change, but she sounds quite definite to me. Often the reason we decide someone is going to be a friend rather than a lover is because of something important to us. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with the guy or that another woman wouldn't find him attractive in that way. For example, my daughter is a vegetarian. She's always being pursued by non-veggies and she does try and see how they get on but ends up saying they smell different to her. Whether it's pschological or a fact that non-veggies smell different, isn't really the issue. What is, is that she is not comfortable with them, so they are out of the lover zone.

 

There are so many reasons someone might remain a friend that I couldn't possibly list them all. Fundamentally, something is not working on a subconscious chemistry level. Unfortunately, it does often work one way and so it can seem very unfair. If you do want to be her friend and see if things change, then I'd advise you to take the pressure off her, see her only occasionally in your busy social life and have fun when you're with her. Any clinging, moping, jealousy, possessiveness or desire for constant or very regular contact by text, phone or other means, will be putting pressure on her. So you may decide the discomfort of being with someone you are attracted to is not worth it - and that's something you need to consider too.

Edited April 26, 2011 by spiderowl

[saliv1215]

You could try being friends and see if her feelings change, but she sounds quite definite to me. Often the reason we decide someone is going to be a friend rather than a lover is because of something important to us. If you do want to be her friend and see if things change, then I'd advise you to take the pressure off her, see her only occasionally in your busy social life and have fun when you're with her. Any clinging, moping, jealousy, possessiveness or desire for constant or very regular contact by text, phone or other means, will be putting pressure on her. So you may decide the discomfort of being with someone you are attracted to is not worth it - and that's something you need to consider too.

 

Thank you, that was very insightful. I still have to figure out if I'm okay to hang out with her; I'm still having trouble dealing with my emotions in being rejected after what I perceived was two great dates that may lead to more. It does sound silly that I'm acting up like so after 2 dates, I can only imagine if things didn't work out after 10, I'd be a wreck Also, I have to get the idea out of my head that by hanging out with her, she may change. Such things happen only in the movies. This online dating stuff sucks