I'm a wreck

[Katt22]

Sometimes I feel like I just walk around like this big empty thing. I think its kinda just now sinking in that he is never coming back. He is never going to call me, he is never going to show up at my door and hold me in his arms ever again. I feel like theres this big empty hole in my chest, where something just died and it just lays there all rigor mortis and smelly. I wake up every day missing how warm his skin was, and how he would hold me close to his chest and how it felt like home to me more than anything ever had. I miss when I was sick and he would play me songs on his guitar and make me laugh. I miss the way he would kiss me before I went to work like he would never see me again. I miss that when I would cry he would wipe my tears and told me that every time I felt afraid all I had to do was to remember how much he loved me and it would make me strong. I dream about him every night, I wake up without him every morning. How do I bury all this love I have for someone who doesn't love me at all?

 

I've cried almost all day. Everything hurts. How could his life be so much better without me? I feel like I'm so broken inside, I feel like its never going to get better. I have weird sick fantasies about swallowing all my pills in my dresser drawer and just going to sleep forever, and then when I wake up its in his arms again. And he kisses away my tears and tells me he loves me. But then all I can think of is my fathers face at my funeral, all pale and ashen. And my poor brother who would never recover.

 

I try to pray, I ask God to give me the strength to be strong, I ask him to heal this brokenness in my heart. I pray to Mary to give me wisdom and to keep me brave like she had to be her whole life, but the pain keeps washing over me in these huge waves and I just lose myself in it. Nothing helps, someone please tell me what to do. I'm afraid and I feel so alone sometimes. I just want to laugh again, I just want to be happy. I don't want to think about him all the time, I don't want to be this broken person anymore.

[IfiKnewThen]

wow kat 22 i am sorry you are going thru all of this and sorry this post has been sitting around since yesterday. i think, people got distracted here with holidays and trying to keep busy with themselves and missed this.

 

i know this is a horrible feeling. i don't know your back story and how long this has been for you ( the breakup) but this is the healing process.

 

it does take on the feeling you describe of big and empty.

 

you say its finally sinking in hes not coming back. that is a very painful realization, as the feeling of "hope" is what generally keeps us going, and now youre in this phase. its painful to go to the next phase of healing which is the feeling of acceptance. not the kind of acceptance that's brings about peace, but rather the realization its over for good or very well could be. that is of course shocking (another feeling). there's pain, and anger and grief. the gamut of emotions and the dark abyss that makes you feel like it would be easy to just go to sleep and not have to "feel" these feelings. but all these feelings are part of the healing process. hang in there please. you will get to the other side.

 

its good your praying. pray and have faith God will help bring you out of this. he will! and its ok to have these feelings fluctuate. there is a book called, when your lover leaves you and also there's john grays book called mars and venus starting over. 2 excellent books and they both speak of how it's almost necessarily to feel and go through all these emotions as part of the healing process. and to NOT get stuck in any one emotion but use each one of them to get you past the other. you can go back and forth. like anger cancels out the grief, and hope helps get over shock. you can cycle these emotions but just dont get caught up in 1. thats not healthy. keep it moving., give yourself breaks and rest. treat yourself. talk good uplifting things about what is still good in your life. get hus from family and friends. do all healthy things for yourself. dont drink, it gets you more down in the end. talk to anyone who will listen. post here , etc.

 

keep a routine in life. that's good and healthy too. to remind your psyche that you can still count on things in life. however small.

 

draw from all things that gave you strength before ,even in childhood.

 

for now stay away from love stories, music that reminds you of anything. if you never listened to metal music, listen to that. i am serious. anything that doesn't remind you.

 

and no matter how much you love him now, this guy is NOT worth your life. not one more minute of it. i don't care if you thought he was a saint and an angel. he's not. i promise you that. time will show it to you more and more too , what rationalization conquers grief. you are human.

 

you will get past this. hang in there. do not get too far ahead of yourself. one day at a time. i will say a prayer for you tonight.

 

time, time time. it takes time. even more time that we expected. but time will make it better. call someone if you feel overwhelmed. and your thinking straight to know your family and friends would be miserable without you. sometimes we don't even know what we mean to another. i am glad you know you mean a lot to your family. you will be happy again. little by little by little. but it will all add up. and be grateful for all you still have. please. this is helpful to do. count blessings every morning and night as a routine. you will retrain your brain and thinking and heart to appreciate more than you grieve. god bless you. hold on to him and to you.

 

ps. also when it sinks in hes not coming back. that actually helps you heal quicker. the hope soothe things over some (to cope) but its the acceptance in the end that keeps you from living on the edge about it and helps you move forward. all of this will wax and wain. healing an emotional wound and rethinking things take time. and you will want to do this because you DO want to be happy. also, read this post of mcgrupps http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t244265/ when you have time. it helps a lot but read everything he himself wrote. he speaks of how even something nice for yourself as simple as a having a sandwich you love can up the feel good/better %percentage. these are techniques to healing and surviving and thriving. if you feel you need more than this call a professional. you sound like a smart person. keep the faith.

[Rosa Tamora]

Dear Kat 22.

I read your post, I don't know you but I hope you are doing ok. Breakups are hard to deal with, but in times like these you gotta pick yourself up and keep going. This guy, is not worth your life. i know it's hard because the future you had hoped for is not there anymore...but guess what...you can rebuild.

It will get better and better everyday, you will have some ups and downs, but surround yourself with people who love you and will support you (friends and family).

 

My bf of almost 3 years broke up with me in March and I've been struggling too, and I'm sorta new to this city and my family is on the other side of the world, so it makes it pretty difficult to get support, I only have a few friends here. I have to say, it's kind rough. I have friends here, but nothing beats a sister or brother to talk to.

I hope your friends and family are close by. Lean on them abit for support. He is not coming back and you don't have control over that, but you do have control over your own life and what you want to do next. You WILL get through this and find the man you were meant to be with in the end. All this happened for a reason, and though you may not see it now, one day you will look back at this and be able to think "wow! I'm so glad that happened because I'm stronger for it now"

[Beaten_down]

Hi Kat

You are not alone I too was dumped by my ex gf

Who I loved and was told that she did not love me

It's not easy at all but trust everyone here

It will get easier with time

It's been months for me and I admit I have good days and bad

But I have greatly improved and you will too

 

Just get it out talk to family and friends

Don't be afraid to cry if you have too

Remove things that remind you of him

When your ready keep yourself busy

You will get through this trust us

[Beaten_down]

Oh and remember Kat

It's his loss he don't deserve your love

[nlpman]

Hi Kat,

 

one day soon when you are past all of the hurt and sorrow you may come back onto LS to give advice to other people who feel as bad as you did?

It helps me and may help you to notice any things that make you feel a bit better, any activities, types of music, types of books that lift your spirits and give you hope. Then in the future you will be able to give advice to other people who are broken hearted like you were.

 

Good Luck

[Katt22]

Thank you everyone. I guess I'll give you some background. My exfiancée of a year dumped me three weeks ago. I had to move back home, quit my job, I left college. I feel like I've lost everything. He told me he just didn't love me anymore. I've been no contact with him for about two and a half weeks. He hasn't made any attempt to contact me. He was emotionally abusive and immature, but he was my first real love.

 

I have good days and bad days. Lately each day seems to get harder and harder. Yesterday I woke up crying and literally cried all day. I just couldn't stop. I have been through I lot in my very short 22 years on this planet, I'm not a push over, but this has just destroyed me inside. I don't feel like I'm ever going to recover.

 

I have a lot of great friends but I've burdened them too much with this. They all have lives and problems of their own, and most of them just don't really understand. They are young too and their relationships revolve mostly around mindless hookups.

 

My mother is emotionally unstable. I can't really talk to her about this, in her opinion I asked for this to happen. She thinks I'm being weak and her reaction to any of my feelings is anger. I feel very alone all the time, thus I find myself posting on here. It helps me feel like I have people to talk to.

 

I hurt in so many different ways. I loved him with everything I had and he just threw me away. I don't even know how to start healing.

[yessy21]

:(You took the words right out of my soul. I feel this exact same way. Its ok... its going to be ok. I promise. Im going throught the same thing.

[IfiKnewThen]

kat i get what you feel ..thrown away and discarded.

 

anyone who can do that to another human being in that manner is a bullet dodged.

 

it takes time, but i promise you, you will get through this. and you will even meet a better guy. hard to believe in this pain, i know. but there is a better fit for you out there. this is healing time now. it will be up and down...

 

its almost like being sick, and we can even relapse. but i promise you, if you keep taking good care of yourself everyday, with good self talk, and go easy on yourself, you WILL get thru this and even feel the joy of life again.

 

please read that mcgrupp post when you get the chance. i even printed it out.

i dont think he was too far from your age. i was very impressed, with his journey of healing.

 

stay strong. you have it in you. your mom handles things a different way but i am sure she loves you . if she cant give you help verbally. just get hugs. if she cant give hugs give her one. she must need em.

 

but this isnt about her. God gave each of us something special. find the special in everyone and take that. mostly see the special in YOu and be certain , he lost that and he isnt worth it.

 

one day at a time. do good things for yourself each day however small. and come here and post when u need to

[Beaten_down]

Kat we all know how you feel I am in my 40's and I am going through this

and my ex tortured me emotionally after the break up

By giving false hope the cutting me off at the knees repeatedly

 

So I know it hurts but Time is your friend here keep yourself busy with things that bring you happiness go out with your girlfriends have some drinks and food and some laughs

 

take your mind off of him even if its for a few hours

If you need to call your church if you go and speak to the rev or priest or whatever

it will do you good

 

You will get through I never thought I would feel better either but you know what I am getting better everyday and you will too

Focus on yourself hit the gym go catch a movie

 

Good luck I know you will be just fine and you know what you will meet someone new someday and like him even more then the ex

[Katt22]

Thank you everyone.

 

I just feel like its getting harder every day instead of easier. I've cried for two days straight, everyone I know thinks I'm loosing my mind. Its been three weeks, do you think I'm wallowing in this? Is this unhealthy? I've been in bed sobbing all day, I don't know how to just snap myself out of it. I can't eat, I've lost so much weight. I physically feel ill.

[sandman223]

Its normal for it to get better, then for no apparent reason get worse for a while. This is all part of the healing process. I have had days where I would start off fine, then become miserable, and be fine again later in the same day. Just keep on pushing through!

[Rosa Tamora]

At some point your survival instinct will kick in and you'll get out of bed and stop crying so much. Once you're done being bleary eyed you'll be able to look properly around you and get some perspective.

You are grieving the loss of a relationship, and in some ways, it really feels like a death, because you might not see that person again, even if you do, nothing is the same, right?

 

If it helps to know, this will pass. I know it's terribly difficult. You are going to have some up and down days, and trust me, it's natural.

6 weeks after my breakup, I still cry now and then. But, it definitely hurts less compared to day one of breakup. The idea is to feel the pain, walk along with time, give yourself PLENTY of time to heal i.e. don't expect to snap out of it in 3 weeks!

 

Focus now on positive things, and surround yourself with positive people.

On the weekends, get out of the house and do something. Do you volunteer? Is there a Humane Society nearby you could go and sign up and be a volunteer? If you love animals, this would be great for you! If you just dedicate some of your time and thoughts to something else other than your ex, it will help get you out of your sadness for a bit. Is there a hospital nearby you could go and volunteer?

 

Someone told me this past week about getting a perspective on things. For example, if you volunteered at a cancer ward or with children or something, it might help get you some perspective on your own life, and that as difficult as a breakup might seem to you right NOW, it's not as hard as what some of those patients in a hospital might be experiencing. I mean, try telling someone with terminal cancer what you're going through. This is what I mean by getting a perspective on things.

 

I'm not making light of your situation or anything, of course I'm not. I know it's impossibly difficult, but if you want to get out of bed and stop wallowing, those are some of the things I would suggest. Doing good deeds and helping other people in need is good for the soul. And it takes your mind of your ex. TAKE HIM OFF that pedestal, you know what I'm saying?

Sure, he was awesome, but the truth is, was it really that great or are you just thinking of all the sweet things he did? I did that too, then after a while I recall all the stupid things he said and did that just upset me!

 

Here are the stages of breakup: Sounds like you're in stage 1 or 2:

http://www.been-dumped.com/brokenheart.php

 

I'm in "rage" now. Hahaha, it feels kinda good to kick him off the pedestal.

[Irishlove]

You do grieve when that person is gone but harder because they are actually alive. I had to go to a support group. I found others 'like me'.

 

When you are over him you will wish him happiness. When you love someone you want them to be happy. Pray for him. That alone will do you wonder and will soften your heart like clay as God wishes.

 

Look on youtube and look up "madeas talks about relationships" please watch this. please.

 

I wish I could hug you and tell you that it really will be alright.

[ilovedhim]

hugs kat, I wish you the best. you're not alone. actually I couldve written this post. its tough. the replies are really good, especially the volunteering. might try that. why did u drop out of school? what are you doing during the day?

 

dont make your ex the center of the universe because healing won't progress that way. Someone wrote to me in another thread that you need to carry on with your life. And if need be take a bathroom break to cry.

 

Get out of bed/the house, dust yourself off and do something to take your mind off this person that never really deserved you.

 

Hugs

[Katt22]

Thank you everyone. I just find it all so frustrating and exhausting.

 

I dropped out of school because I'm rather ill (I have tonsillitis) which I know doesn't sound very serious but in people my age its excruciating, and because he begged me to move in with him.

 

I have my tonsils out next month, until then I'm basically bed ridden. I'm in constant pain, I have no energy. Its like I have nothing to do but lay in bed and wallow in misery all day. Its just too much sometimes.

 

I got a screaming phone call from my mother yesterday claiming I cry too much. Its only been three weeks, but according to her I'm being ridiculous. Things like that really make me feel alienated.

 

Whats worse is that my ex still has several of my belongings, and I'm also upset because I paid the security deposit on the apartment he kicked me out of. I don't know how to go about getting my things and money back from him without sabotaging my NC. I don't even know if its worth it.

 

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. I don't know where I would be without it.

[Fufu]

Katt, if you need to talk, just post over here. We are all here for one another.

 

It's okay to cry. Crying is not a sin.

[Katt22]

Thank you fufu! Posting here has really helped me, thank you everyone for your support.

[yessy21]

hugs kat, I wish you the best. you're not alone. actually I couldve written this post. its tough. the replies are really good, especially the volunteering. might try that. why did u drop out of school? what are you doing during the day?

 

dont make your ex the center of the universe because healing won't progress that way. Someone wrote to me in another thread that you need to carry on with your life. And if need be take a bathroom break to cry.

 

Get out of bed/the house, dust yourself off and do something to take your mind off this person that never really deserved you.

 

Hugs

 

 

I love this ^

[ilovedhim]

feel better!

 

we're all here in going through the same things, so keep posting. don't cry in front of your mom or friends. try.

 

get your mom to get your things for you. she sounds pretty vocal!!! and have her tell him to give you the deposit back and if need be take him to small claims court (if you really want to,, or just threeaten him with it).

 

since you're in bed watch movies all day, not sappy or romance!

 

put your mom to good use, if she wants you stop crying

[ilovedhim]

thanks yessy. i realy need to take my own advice!

[Rosa Tamora]

He kicked you out of his apartment, but you paid a security deposit on it?

He sounds like a douche, sorry!

 

Your mom sounds like the "tough love" type. Can you get help asking her to help you get that security deposit back.

 

Don't wallow in your misery. It doesn't help. Cry it out and then start thinking of yourself. LOVE yourself. This guy ended it with you and didn't even have the courtesy to extend that part of the security deposit to you. What the heck is that!

 

He didn't deserve you, it's HIS lost. Get your stuff back - you can get it back after your tonsils are out, and then you can move on with your life.

This will all be better, I promise you. I am one month and 10 days post breakup and I am starting to see the light. And you will too!!

So, love and light to you my dear.

[Rosa Tamora]

So, in my desperate first few days after the breakup I looked for self help books and found this:

http://www.amazon.com/Sassy-Little-Guide-Getting-Over/dp/1424315255/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1303846849&sr=8-5

 

Get it, read it, read it again. And read again when you feel like you're starting to wallow.

It helped ME a great deal.

I especially enjoyed the chapters on "Harnessing the Power of "SO WHAT?"

And the part where she talks about "truths" about your relationship.

 

I'd send you a copy, but I don't know if it's a good idea to post your address here!

[Katt22]

I would ask my mother if I thought she could be trusted to not wring his neck. I don't really see any way of getting it back without breaking NC myself and I just don't feel ready to do that now, maybe never. I might just have to cut my losses. And he is a complete douche, I moved him into two different apartments and paid the security deposits on both. After being at work all day he just up and told me he didn't love me anymore and I had to leave. After I've been nothing but wonderful to him. I just can't believe someone I loved and trusted so much could treat me like that. And now I'm afraid that I'm going to be one of those people who don't get over something like this for years and years. I feel like I'm going to carry around all this hurt and mistrust around forever. I know that sounds ridiculous and super dramatic.

 

Thank you for the book recommendation Rosa, I will defiantly pick it up.

 

I just wish I could go to sleep until I was over this. This is hellish, thank you everyone being here for me, and all of you going through the same thing I'm defiantly thinking of you.

[yessy21]

Its going to be ok. I promise.