I'm a wreck

[Katt22]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support.

 

Reading the words I wrote here less than a month ago kinda shock me. Its been a full month since he left me, and in the most cowardly way you could imagine. I will be at a month of NC in a few days which I am very proud of. I blocked him on facebook so I couldn't be tempted to look at his pictures and cry myself into a stupor. I deleted him of skype and deleted his number off my phone. I put all his belongings including the engagement and wedding rings away.

 

He hasn't even attempted to contact me. I don't know why this bothers me. I should probably be happy that he's not pestering me and hampering my healing but part of my pride is rather bruised. Was I that easy to get over? It just blows my mind sometimes.

 

Things defiantly got worse for me before they even started to get better. I remember crying for days on end. I have never been that devastated. I let myself cry until I simply couldn't anymore, and now when I feel like crying it kinda feels empty. I feel like I've felt all the pain I can over this and now its time to pick myself back up and move on.

 

I wrote him this long rambling letter that I didn't send. Maybe one day I will. I don't think I'm going to even try to recover my belongings and the security deposit because I just don't think it would be worth my time.

 

It still hurts a lot, I'm still rather broken hearted, but part of me is excited to start my new life. I'm excited to date again and fall in love again and do things on my terms for once.

 

I guess thats just a little update, I know I wouldn't have come this far this fast without the help and advice of everyone here, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.

[IfiKnewThen]

kat i am glad youre doing better. i am glad you feel you can live without your things and security deposit. that is a good decision b/c it shows you are so determined to heal by not dealing with him, that you would sacrifice these things.

 

If however, your feelings wax and wain and you ever want your things back, here are some suggestions.

 

1) you could either write a letter to him and make it sound like a third party (legal) person wrote it. I mean it can be signed by you but worded in a way he feels someone of legal representation wrote it. example: this letter is to confirm that said deposit if (such and such amount) was released to you on (such and such a date)...the amount needs to be returned by such and such a date, and all of the personal belonging (then list them). then sign your name and at the end of the letter. write: enclosures: blind copy. just get him nervous. otherwise speak to a representative or legal aid to assist in getting a letter out to him.

 

 

2) do what i did. lol. i am a mom and my daughters b/f whom she lived with did this same thing to her, last year. we told him to get out of the house while we personally gathered her things and we cleared out even the locks on his door that she paid for. the blinds she paid for the couch she paid for ...everything she paid for and had receipts for. gone. poof. but that would mean telling your mom and dad and trusting them to take over (but communicate with you). tell them what you want back and have them contact him and tell him you want to go there with them and take the things that belong to you only. and tell him to mail or leave the deposit there. this way you are not talking to him or confronting him and can keep your N/C and distance BUT you are getting your things back and that portion of empowerment and closure. believe it or not i still have to get my things back from someone. and i intend to. its a different situation that yours but nonetheless, someone has my things in another state that they were storing for me and haven't returned them yet, and said they would.

 

3) i would suggest you act fast on these things however. time is crucial. he could throw things out and there is no documentation or a paper trace that you had these things at his house so you first should document it it writing to him, in some manner. this way if you had to involve a third party (court system, small claims, etc) you have a letter to him in writing that he had these things there and YOU want them back. it is your entitlement to get your personal belongings back. he kicked you out. your mom may have tough love like another poster said. but that doesnt mean she doesnt love you. she gets scared and concerned to see you cry and grieve like this, but she know you have to but she tries to talk in a way that SHE hopes will kinds snap you out of it. of course you dont just get snapped out, but that is her way of coping with your pain and trying to help you too, i am sure. maybe she doesnt understand the gravity in which you love him and grieve..but trust me she loves you and would probably want to wring his neck. but that doesnt mean she will go ballistic and act out and do things you imagine she will do in the circumstance. she probably can be calm and stern and demand your things back (rightfully so). it not the time to care about what "he thinks" about her or you. its the time of empowerment and getting your needs met now. once again, if you think you can live with the fact of not seeing your things again and the deposit, fine and God bless: ). but sometimes as time goes on we get to a point where we may change our minds or remember something we wanted. only you can truly judge this and project this. but i would document it NOW to him, in case you want it back and to pursue the matter down the line. youre doing great btw : )

[IfiKnewThen]

oh and ps we took her clothes , stuff animals, utensils. anything that was her and meant anything to her!! victory!!!

[Katt22]

The only thing I left there that I can remember is my Dad's car jack that I left accidentally left in his car and a small Christmas present my best friend gave me. I'm sure he doesn't even realize I left the jack in his car, but it was expensive. I even forgot about it until my Dad mentioned it. I feel bad about it because my Dad gave it to him as a kindness, his car was always breaking down and he needed it.

 

The security deposit honestly bothers me. I moved him out of two apartments and found the apartment that he kicked me out of. I had to scrounge up enough money to pay for the deposit or we wouldn't have been able to move at all. Your right about the waxing and waining, some days I just say screw it, its not worth my time and neither is he. But other days I feel really cheated and that he kinda got off rather easy.

 

I would drive up myself and get my things but the thought of seeing or speaking to him makes me physically ill. When my best friend had to drive me up to pick up my things, he called the cops on us after refusing to open the door and let me remove my things. The cops of course told him that I can't break into my own house and that he had to let me in to retrieve my things. I just couldn't believe it. Its not like I had just showed up and started pounding on the door. I called him and as he was ignoring my calls I left in a voice mail a good two hours before we drove over that I was coming for my belongings and that he was either to be there or to leave the door open for me.

 

It just added a whole new level of drama to an already awful situation, and it makes me afraid that he's going to make this situation just as dramatic.

 

I have been toying with sending him a letter or email as a sort of closure for myself. I haven't really decided yet, I'm sure he won't respond. He's kinda a coward that way. I wouldn't really be writing it for him but rather for me, there are all these things that I feel like I didn't get the chance to tell him. I don't know if I should ask him about the security deposit and other things in it. I would appreciate some insight as I've been getting mixed advice from my friends and I'm really torn about it. Thank you for the advice, I defiantly still have a lot to think about it. I have my surgery tomorrow, so if everyone could keep my in their prayers.

[IfiKnewThen]

hi again,

 

i said a prayer before writing this so i wouldnt forget. i know what it is like to need and want prayers and the urgency of them.

 

as far as a closure letter i do feel its a good idea. again feelings might wax and wain after that. but in a sense its good to get past the fear and empower yourself again and as you said....do it for YOU and not for him.

 

and absolutely say, that that deposit money you laid out should absolutely be returned to you. when he leaves that apartment ...he is going to get that back from the landlord if the apartment is i decent shape and he doesn't have to pay for damages. you dont get to go back in the apartment that once was your home, and he should NOT be entitled to that money at all!

 

you have a voice and right to ask for it back. i know its easier to turn the other check and yes i fully think that is a good idea too. in most cases, not all, if you don't ask , you don't get. or at least as i said...document it.

 

trust in the lord though. you need to heal now and cant afford to get all aggravated. but don't wait too too long. when you feel better, it shouldn't hurt to write. get stronger. then see how you feel. if your gut tells you do it now......listen to your gut.

 

 

good luck and keep us apprised.

[Katt22]

Thank you so much. I went into surgery this morning and pulled through fine. It made me sad when I woke up and he wasn't there. I don't know why I still think of him so much, it just really hurts me when I know he knows I had a surgery that I've been fretting about for months and he hasn't said a word to me :C What a jerk.

 

And thank you for the input. I've written a few letters but they all come out too emotional and dramatic. I want to tell him how much he hurt me without looking desperate and sacrificing more dignity than I already have. I just don't know how to tell him about the security deposit and the other things in the middle of my rant. It just seems kinda random and out of place.

 

I think this week while I'm recovering I'm going to really work on this letter. I want to make it short and concise and get it over with. Maybe I'll post it here before I send it so you guys can tell me what you think.

[IfiKnewThen]

thank God you are ok from surgery and i hope you recover all the way, soon.

 

 

yes perhaps let us look at the letter, if you think it will help. but you have to say all thats in your heart so you wont regret it. i think if you start off saying:

 

first and foremost i am writing to have my deposit returned to me in the amount of ...such and such.

 

then tell him also.....

 

then conlcude. once again i accept to hear from you about my deposit. i hope you and i can settle this without my turning to legal aid and intervention. so please write back and let me know how we can work out payment to me. some thing like that....

 

then i appreciate it...thank you. (also give him a reputation to live up to) by saying, i always took you for a man who would not keep something that he knows is mine and i count on your integrity in this department.

 

maybe something like that?

[giuliano-3]

If he's d*%$ed you over then you might not want to be all that polite. Let him know you mean business or else he'll walk all over you again. If you are too nice he'll take that as weakness (judging from what you've written about him). This is just my man perspective trying to put its two cents in. Best of luck...

[Katt22]

Thanks. Thats a good idea. Everything I write comes out too sappy or too angry. I'm just not satisfied with anything I've written, which is kinda weird for me because I've always been a fairly confident writer. I'll have to get something together and let you have a look at it, tell me what you think.

 

The man's perspective is very much appreciated. Belive me, I want nothing more than to write him this scathing letter telling him exactly what I think about him and what he did to me, but I find it kind of weird to then be like "Oh, can I have my money/ belongings back pretty please?" I kinda just wish it were over with.

[Sassygirl2]

Glad your surgery went well Kat. I think you should write a short and simple letter requesting your deposit money back and anything that belongs to you. Don't write anything about the relationship - that should be in a different letter at another time. Keep it business like and professional. You don't want to put any feelings in there- if you know what I mean. You've been doing SOOOO good keeping NC and getting better. You need to be strong for YOU and don't resort to telling him what a jerk he is because it will just make you look bad in the long run. I'm proud of how well you're doing! Thanks for the inspiration!

[IfiKnewThen]

excellent advise from sassy and guiliano!!!!!!!!!1

[Katt22]

What a few crazy weeks its been. Recovering from my surgery has been a b*tch, but its a lot better lately thank God. I can actually speak now and eating gets a little easier everyday. I'm back to work, and although its pretty menial and I work with a bunch of catty hags it does help me a lot. Having something to do and saving money for the future gives me a lot of hope where there was once this huge void. That void gets a little smaller everyday.

 

I still think about him everyday, I still miss him. And although the pain is in no way near how bad it was on day 1, sometimes I feel this sharp pain in my chest and a new wave of sadness just washes over me. I think these pains are my heart healing, its so strange, I almost can't describe it.

 

I'm working on my self esteem. Everyone says I'm so gorgeous and smart and I think its about time that I let myself believe it. Its such an uphill struggle, especially after months on end of feeling so inadequate.

 

I called him last week regarding my belongings. I expected him to just let the call go to voice mail but he picked up immediately. He greeted me in this jubilant tone, like he was so happy to hear from me. I kept my voice cold and unemotional, I asked him if I sent him the box and the money would he ship my belongings back to me. He made some ridiculous excuse and suggested that we just meet half way, in the town we had our first date in. I was so flabbergasted that I just agreed mindlessly with absolutely no intention of meeting him at all. He asked me if we could talk, I told him I didn't think we had anything more to talk about. He then made it seem like he simply wanted to make small talk. I told him I had to go and ended the conversation, half expecting him to not contact me at all about my belongings or the fake meeting I agreed to.

 

I was at work Friday and checked my phone on my break, only to find that he had texted me. The first attempt he has ever made to make contact with me. The text read " Hey, I'm srry I haven't gotten back to u lately ive been a lil sick. But let me know if ur free tomorrow so i can meet u half way so u can pick up those things"

 

I didn't text him back. I've decided I'm just going to cut my losses. I'm not going to play his little game, I'm done with him. I just want to move on and obsessing about these little injustices isn't getting me anywhere.

 

But the text upset me for some strange reason. My stomach knotted and my hands began to shake. It passed after about 20 minutes and I was proud of myself for not caving and texting him back. I had a sneaking suspicion that me not answering his texts would bruise is rather fragile ego and that he would probably text or call me the next day, but I couldn't decide if he was just trying to get me out of his hair or trying to play some game. I figured if I never heard from him then I would have my answer.

 

He texted me again this afternoon about whether I had received his previous text. I continued to ignore him. My hands shook a little bit but I was over it in about 5 minutes.

 

Then an hour later he calls me. I ignore it. Another hour passes and I get a text from a number I don't recognize but is like two numbers different from his number. The text simply read "Hi :)" I ignore this text. Twenty minutes later I get a call from the same number. I also ignore this.

 

I am almost sure the mystery number is him trying to be sneaky. I'm not falling for it. It kinda bothers me that he's being really creepy about this, blowing up my phone over nothing. I think that he thought that I would respond immediately and pathetically to his feeble attempt to play some kind of game with me, and like a three year old resorts to juvenile attempts to get my attention. I'm not giving it to him, and it kinda makes me smile knowing that it frustrates him.

[Sassygirl2]

Glad your doing better and recovered from your surgery. I am really impressed at how strong you are being with your ex. I don't know if I could do the same (yet anyway). Sounds like he's been waiting for you to call about your stuff and now he's going to try to get you back. But after all he put you through, he's not worth it.

 

Good for you!

[Frank13]

Wow Kat, it is amazing how far you have come in a month. I remember this message of yours -

He hasn't even attempted to contact me. I don't know why this bothers me. I should probably be happy that he's not pestering me and hampering my healing but part of my pride is rather bruised. Was I that easy to get over? It just blows my mind sometimes.

 

And now he won't leave you alone. Do you think he is trying to get back with you? You are so strong to ignore him.

[Katt22]

Thanks you guys. Its not easy by any means, honestly a few weeks ago I probably would have caved. Its so hard sometimes I just want to cry, but I know I have to put myself first, and playing games with him will do nothing but hurt me. I'm not giving him that power anymore.

 

As for whether or not he's trying to get me back, who knows? I can only imagine that he is up to something or he wouldn't be acting like such a creep. I'm not giving him the satisfaction.

 

Keep calm and carry on!

[VanHalen]

Hey Kat, I'm happy you are doing better.

Ok, sorry for my english, it's not my first language...

 

First of all, try not to talk to him again (and not seeing him, of course). If you really need your stuff back, go ask a friend of yours to get it for you.

Do not answer his calls or messages. Maybe he's trying to start things over with you (probably not), but he already showed you that he can't be trusted, he will definitely do the same thing all over again and you'll be back on day 1.

You are too young, thank good you didn't marry your first love. You have sooo much to go through, so many people left to meet before you can make the right decision of who is going to be the man of your life.

Trust me, I'm REALLY glad my gf of 5 years broke up with me when I was 22. I had a few girlfriends since then that were much better than her. Still haven't found the right one, but who cares! I'm also still young (27, not THAT young) and this whole experience will make me love so much more the person I'm supposed to be with in the long run.

 

You are going to be fine, you are going to be more than fine! TRUST ME. This will pass and you'll be very happy again!!!

[Katt22]

Thank you so much. I will not be contacting him again and I will not be answering any of his calls or texts. Honestly it would take nothing less than him proposing to me with the Hope Diamond and getting the blessing of Jesus Christ himself for me to take him back, and even then its a big maybe. Thankfully the things I left there are just small insignificant things, they don't really mean anything. I value my mental health a lot more than those things, and talking to him even about something as trivial as getting my belongings back damages my mental health pretty heavily. Just getting random non-emotional texts from him throws me into an almost panic attack at work. Its not pretty, and I'm not going to put myself through it anymore.

 

I think you are right about being thankful, all my friends keep saying that he probably did me a huge favor. Now the trick is believing it.

 

This has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through, its been a wide awake nightmare. I still cry sometimes, I still have more bad days than good days, but what is strange is that I feel myself getting stronger too, I feel like now I will be brave enough to walk away from something thats falling apart before it takes me down with it. My grandmother used to tell me "There is nothing more valuable than an education", and I never really realized how right she was. When someone shows you who they really are you have to believe them.

 

I don't think I could have made it through without this place. I'm so not over it yet, not by a long shot, but everyone here has been so supportive and helpful and it means a lot. I remember the blur of those first few days, not being able to eat or sleep, just laying in bed weeping over my lost hopes and dreams. I honestly thought I was going to die, sometimes I really wished I just would. Coming here and posting my desperate feelings and reading everyones advice really helped me pull myself up and take the first few baby steps to normality.

[IfiKnewThen]

katt22

 

hi again. i am beyond proud of you for calling to get your things. kat, i know how you feel. trust me i do. i am going to have to say that i personally would respond to him. i think he absolutely gets the idea that you're done with him now. you're scared because distance has cant you safe and feeling in control. but an extension of your control was calling and asking for your things back. nothing beyond that has changed. you ARE STILL STRONG , my friend.

 

 

you dont have to give him meixed messages. you can still want your things back and keep your distance and get them back. i would personally say to him that, you appreciate his wanting to meet you somewhere , but that if he caoul mail it with a tracking number you would also greatly appreciate that. ask foe the money too. you dont have to sound cold and indifferent. you can allow yourself to be YOU.

 

 

if you keep to the mindset to still get your things...it doesnt have to be a bd thing. i would say i wasnt ignoring you (speaking of him) but that you have truly gotten busy and are just focused and settling unfinished business. and you can be just as polite as you are. dont let him alter you.

 

 

you got that far. bravo and i am really proud of you. you are still in control, i dont care how much you shake. remember that. keep that mindset. i am not saying call or whatever. i am saying do what you want. but dont let fear set in now or anger and NOT get your things back. this is your window of opportunity for that much. you had him where you wanted him. talking and co-operative. maybe dont let him second guess that now. second guess what he did.

 

 

 

good luck. maybe think about what i am saying. take care 4 now

[IfiKnewThen]

typo: you're scared because distance has cant you safe and feeling in control.

 

 

i meant to say (up there) that your scared to move forward, because distance has made you feel safe and in contol. but youre still in control and calling him WAS AN EXTENSION of that control. it was in order to get your things back. dont for get that.

[Katt22]

Thats very true, I am afraid that I will sabotage myself and all my progress by giving him the time of day, this distance and silence while unbelievably painful, have let me gain some control in the absolute chaos my life felt like after he left me.

 

Honestly I've reached this point of indifference. I really don't care about my things or the money, they are petty and I value my peace of mind more.

 

Part of me is terrified that if I meet him he will lay it on really thick and be sorry and want me back. And whats worse, what if he don't. I have to ask myself after everything that I've been through, do I really want to put myself through that?

 

Maybe one day I will be healthy enough to talk to him. I plan on moving back to the city he lives in because I really miss it, so it would be just a matter of time before I bump into him. But for right now and the foreseeable future, he's not part of my life anymore. He doesn't get to have me in any way, I'm so sick of doing things on his terms. I'm putting myself first for once and even though its really hard sometimes I know its the only way I will heal this festering wound.

 

Thank you for the advice, maybe someday I will be strong enough to deal with my things and the money, but right now I just can't justify talking to him.

[Katt22]

and by "what if he don't" I meant "what if he doesn't" I think your typos are contagious IfIKnewThen

[IfiKnewThen]

hehe typos are contagious lol. but actually it's probably all of the "overload" our brains are on. who the heck can concentrate after all the madness of feeling pain after someone hurts you?

 

 

anyway , do what you feel is best for you. we all support you here.

 

 

i was only tying to say, you dont have to give into him and "meet up with him". you could say...."ya know what...? ...just mail the stuff to me!!"

 

 

so you are still in control, and get your stuff to boot. (God willing)

[Katt22]

I don't really know what it is, but the last few days have been kinda hard. I think about him more often, which is like all the time now. I miss my friend, I miss my life before all this. I think it might have something to do with the fact that I've been working crazy hours at work. The slightest things make me cry, I feel like this huge weight is sitting on my chest sometimes. The drive home at 3 or 4 am is usually full of crying.

 

Its so frustrating. Sometimes it feels like I'm taking one step forward and two steps back. Its so hard to be patient with myself, I just want to feel better. I just want to forget about him. There are now all these unknowns in my life where before everything seemed clear. The thought of being alone like this a year from now terrifies me, and thats so strange because I was so good at being alone before I met him. This is like the hardest thing I've ever had to go through.

 

I wish that I could just look into the future and just know somethings. I think what upsets me the most is it feels like there is no end in sight to this. I just wish I could know when I would really start to get over him, when I would meet someone new and be happy again.

 

Just a bad couple of days I guess

[IfiKnewThen]

hugs kat.

 

 

maybe try to tell yourself this to ease some of the pain one day at a time:

 

1) you have kept to NC

 

2) when you felt like it you reached out , tried to get your things. contacted him on YOUR terms when you felt like it. you dint let fear rule you. you didnt let him rule you by staying N/C when you DID feel like making contact. that was awesome and commend yourself for that!!!

 

3) he responded positively. he did. that doesn't make him great. it was just a positive experience. praise God

 

3) and this should be number 1. you came through the surgery. praise be to God for that.

 

4) you are strong. you are just human. you still have feelings. you have concerns for the future. this is all normal. but you will get through this. you will get to the other side. let yourself feel . even grief. just dont get stuck in one feeling. keep it flowing. do good things for yourself....always.

 

 

come here when you need a friend.

[Katt22]

Thank you. I know I should be proud of my progress, but its still so hard. I thought that after nearly three months of this I would be used to it by now. Sometimes I will be going along just fine and then this huge wave of just pure sadness washes over me and I just feel so small and helpless against it.

 

I used to be this vibrant person, and now I just feel so pale and broken. Sometimes the thought of never seeing him again terrifies me. I'm still so confused about what happed, I just feel like I'm beating my head against the wall.

 

Whats worse is that my good friend Liz and her boyfriend are doing better than ever, and she just can't stop talking about it and it infuriates me for some petty reason. To the point that I try to avoid her at all costs. I just keep thinking about how unfair it seems and then I feel really childish for thinking that way, honestly I should be happy that she's happy but I just can't be. I feel like such an ass.

 

Lately I don't find any comfort talking to anyone about it. I think they are all sick of hearing about it. My friends and family have been about as supportive as one can expect, but just the thought of seeing them and having to put on this mask of being okay when really inside I'm constantly at ever changing stages of crumbling apart makes me sick.

 

My friends keep telling me I ought to go out and date again. I just don't know if I'm ready for any of that, honestly the thought of going on one more date with some lack-wit is nauseating.

 

This process is excruciating, everything seems harder somehow and I can't really seem to find joy in anything. I just wish I knew how long this would last. I feel so horrible for all the people on here going through the same thing, its really awful isn't it? I kinda wish I had never met him and then I wouldn't have to go through any of this. It just seems so overwhelming sometimes.