I'm a wreck

[NewMoon2203]

Sometimes I feel like I just walk around like this big empty thing. I think its kinda just now sinking in that he is never coming back. He is never going to call me, he is never going to show up at my door and hold me in his arms ever again. I feel like theres this big empty hole in my chest, where something just died and it just lays there all rigor mortis and smelly. I wake up every day missing how warm his skin was, and how he would hold me close to his chest and how it felt like home to me more than anything ever had. I miss when I was sick and he would play me songs on his guitar and make me laugh. I miss the way he would kiss me before I went to work like he would never see me again. I miss that when I would cry he would wipe my tears and told me that every time I felt afraid all I had to do was to remember how much he loved me and it would make me strong. I dream about him every night, I wake up without him every morning. How do I bury all this love I have for someone who doesn't love me at all?

 

I've cried almost all day. Everything hurts. How could his life be so much better without me? I feel like I'm so broken inside, I feel like its never going to get better. I have weird sick fantasies about swallowing all my pills in my dresser drawer and just going to sleep forever, and then when I wake up its in his arms again. And he kisses away my tears and tells me he loves me. But then all I can think of is my fathers face at my funeral, all pale and ashen. And my poor brother who would never recover.

 

I try to pray, I ask God to give me the strength to be strong, I ask him to heal this brokenness in my heart. I pray to Mary to give me wisdom and to keep me brave like she had to be her whole life, but the pain keeps washing over me in these huge waves and I just lose myself in it. Nothing helps, someone please tell me what to do. I'm afraid and I feel so alone sometimes. I just want to laugh again, I just want to be happy. I don't want to think about him all the time, I don't want to be this broken person anymore.

 

thats pretty much how im feeling....

[Katt22]

Thanks Climbsikrun, its been a really weird few months. But I guess I've learned a lot about myself, I can't really say right now that its been worth all the pain I've been through, but maybe one day it will be.

 

Newmoon, I'm so sorry for what ever it is you're going through. I started posting here when I was in this really horrible place, I just felt so broken and empty. The man I loved very much basically kicked me to the curb and I was left to rebuild the ruin that was my life. But here I am three months to the day he left me, and I can actually say that I'm doing okay. I'm not great, but I'm getting there. If I can get there I'm confident you can to. Its not easy, in fact its the hardest thing I've ever done, but its not impossible.

[reimeivn]

I think you have been doing really great.

 

And I think you honestly do not have to let him know how much you love him still, and hate him at the moment, ever. He HAD known it, and he still knows.

 

Everybody know how how to love at first, but love needs to grow. Some people cant make it happen. Their ability is limited. That guy is one of them.

 

So I am happy for you that you are not with him. Remind yourself that. I have to do that all the times.

 

He possibly doesnt think at all when he does stuffs, just a spur of the moment things so I wouldnt let myself got caught up anymore. He needs to be gone.

[Katt22]

Sometimes I kinda wonder if its ever really going to get better. I feel better sometimes and then I feel worse. Its this really tiring roller-coaster and I'm getting fed up with it.

 

I work this clerical job and most of the hours are overnight. Its easy enough but instead of being distracting like I hoped it would, it gives me hours and hours of down time with nothing to do but just rehash things over and over in my head. Sometimes its so bad that I can't help but cry, and it humiliating. I think part of it is the fact that I'm so tired all the time.

 

I think I want to go on dates again, I'm so sick of feeling lonely and rather pathetic. Unfortunately I just don't know where to start.

 

I've been having really horrible nightmares as well. I think that this whole thing might have really traumatized me just a little. I wake up bawling my eyes out and shaking, sometimes I dream about the break up, or the horrible things he said, sometimes I just dream about walking down the street in the town we used to live.

 

Am I always going to feel this broken? Its so hard to try and be strong all the time when everything reminds me of him and I feel like I'm being torn in half more than I don't. I feel like if I don't do something soon I'm going to get sucked into this cycle and I'm never going to get out of it. I'm sad and then I'm angry. One day I will wake up feeling strong and end the day sobbing in my bed. I just want to feel normal again, I just want all the hurt and fear to just go away and give me some peace.

[Sassygirl2]

Hi Katt,

 

I think it's pretty "normal" to have good and bad days now. I was doing really good until other stresses started bringing me down. Then it seems that all I do is think of him - like he's going to help! Ha! That's a joke.

 

Anyway, it will get better. It has too - right? Maybe you should go out on a date or two. Just to get your mind off of him and have a good time. I've heard that can help.

 

A funny thing happened today - my exboyfriend from 3 years ago called me to see how I am. We had a great conversation and he sounded lonely. It felt really good to talk to him and catch up as a friend would. So there is hope for us! He is not someone I would want to be with ever again but it's ok to be friends.

 

On the other hand, I haven't talked to my current exbf except for a short, cold IM on yahoo the other day. I said Hi and asked him if he was going to want to have the dog (our dog) sometime soon and he said "no". He has now kicked me to the curb AND the dog too. I know it's for the best but it hurt really bad. I cried for an hour and had to leave work for a bit. I just don't understand how someone who was your best friend could just be so cold? I wanted to tell him what an a**hole he is but I didn't.

[reimeivn]

I think each of us has been damaged after this. So do not think about you being broken hearted. Nobody's heart is perfect, each is broken somewhere. Do not worry about i.

 

You will learn to live with it and appreciate it like you appreciate the imperfection about yourself. Its what makes you unique. And its what make you deserve a one of a kind love in your life.

 

Hug.

[Katt22]

So, I got laid off my job. I can't pay any of my bills, my panic attacks have come back full force and I've spent the last two days crying in my bed. Sometimes I feel like I'm so lost, I have no direction anymore and I think I'm at my wits end.

 

I just don't know what to do from here. How much dissapointment can I take before I just snap?

 

I went of this massively unsatisfying date, kinda just to prove that I could. But it was just awkward and horrible and I hated it. I feel like if things don't get better soon I'm going to have some kind of break down. I'm in pain constantly, when I sleep I dream about him and I wake up bawling my eyes out, I can't find an ounce of peace anywhere and now I'm unemployed and just an all around mess.

 

Please tell me its going to get better! It has to, right?

[IfiKnewThen]

kat, sorry to hear you are going through everything youre going thru.

 

 

first of all. pray. it does help. it says thank god for the good, then pray wehn there are bad times.

 

 

i am not going to tell you its a good thing you lost your job. its not. you are scared. bills need to be paid. but lets try to see any good in this situation, so to cope and not panic so much.

 

1) first of all will you get unemployment to help tie you over? please look into this asap for yourself.

 

2) if you get unemployment, they still allow you to work some. think how you can supplement your income. do you live alone? pay rent?

 

3) find a job next time that will keep your mind busy, something satisfying and some what rewarding. try to think that you wont have to feel that horrible down time on that job, where you used to think of your ex.

 

4) try to think..God willing this will bring some new opportunity. maybe for new friends and even a new man

 

5) this may be a good time to actually heal and get rest. again i hope you will get unemployment, payments.

 

6) did you get severance pay. try to get something out of your last job, please. talk negotiate something.

 

7) if i remember correctly...(and forgive me if i dont, i forget a lot) think good thoughts...like that your ex sounded like he wanted to meet up with you to give you your things. tell yourself that anyway. he could have said...yeah i will mail u your stuff and end it at that. he said where can we meet up. i hope i am not getting my senarios mixed up here. but everytime you feel like crying over him. please think on that. he HAD to feel something for goodness sakes. i mean not like you. but he did sound like he wanted to meet up. hes not worth your tears anyway. but better you mourn the loss now, than it come up later. it does say in the wisest book, the bible, "they who mourn will be comforted". i know that meant when our savior returns, but i think God gave us tears for a reason. but just dont let yourself get stuck in that stage of the healing process. you need to mix it up. its good you go from grief to anger. you have to use the stages of healing. all the feelings. grief , anger, hope denial, acceptance...to your advantage and the trick is NOT to get stuck in one feeling. (accept acceptance and even forgiveness when that feeling comes along)

 

8) they say routine helps. it gives some sense of stability and something for the mind to count on. get in a new good routine. routine is saving me right now. its good and healthy and it can be broken up with fun new things to do whenever you can.

 

9) its good you went on a date. i know it suxed and was HORRIBLE. but at least you tried. give yourself some credit in life. you deserve it. keep trying. slowly but surely : )

 

10) somehow....just somehow...it will get better. this is temporary in your life. say it to yourself and mean it. self dialog is key too. there will be a better life for you out there. hang on. God bless

Edited June 30, 2011 by IfiKnewThen

[Katt22]

Thanks IfIKnew, I'm trying to do those things, I really am. I can't collect unemployment because I haven't worked at that job long enough. I'm trying to pray, but I've fallen out of the habit and when I do I just end up this blubbering mess and it leaves me feeling empty and sad. I feel like I'm falling apart all over again, its like nothing makes me feel better.

 

I don't know what to do. I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to, so I come here. I feel so alone all the time and I feel like I'm unraveling at the seams. I thought that I was hiding my sorrow well enough but everyone is noticing now. They are all catching on and I don't know what to do, or what to tell them when they ask me whats wrong. How do I say everything? I feel like I bother them if I go on about it.

 

I don't find joy in anything anymore. I think about him constantly, I think about how happy he is without me and its the most empty, hollow, horrible feeling in the world. Everyone says its going to get better, but when?

 

I don't know if I should seek out counselling or what? Part of me feels really pathetic about that for some reason. I feel like I'm just one more disappointment away from being broken forever. I don't even know if my insurance will cover counseling.

 

I'm just so afraid all the time. I am so heartbroken and just a mess all over again.

[IfiKnewThen]

i really do know what its like to be downtrodden like this. but eventually you will have to not only find acceptance that it is over...sighs i know its hard...BUT also replace him and that love feeling you want to get and to give.

 

love and hope are like a drug. it gave you good endomorphines. they kinda need to be replaced now but NOTTTTTTTTT with drugs. but with another love. a love for another person and to be loved by them...or love of a circumstance or job or child, or something in your life that makes you feel whole and fulfilled again. you think of him now because thats the last time you felt good like that. your mind , heart and body cant relate to anything else now and you feel something missing. that good feeling you once had with him. so you need to replace that. replace him! in order to do that you need to attact a good person, whom youre attracted to. in order to do that you need to feel good and attractive again and in order to do that you have to take care of yourself and heal. its like the ankle bone is connected to the knee bone. or something like that . one thing will lead to another.

 

if you feel you need help to get through this and to feel 1/2 way decent again...then find that help. and i am NOT saying you need a man to feel better. i am saying you need to do what he did for you for yourself and to fill that void with love and happiness again. do it for you. find a way. and it doesnt have to be a man but if you find another love this would help get rid of that...longing? and also,

1) everyday assign yourself to do something good for yourself. 2) write down something you are grateful for in the day. 3) write down any accomplishment you feel you did in the day and NOTHING negative is allowed to be written down. even if its...i made soup today for myself. i put one foot in front of the other. in other words give yourself some credit and write it down. 3) keep praying 4) get and give a hug to someone. everyday...from your mom, dad , friend, neighbor....someone you trust and love. just get a hug. 5) get a routine. something you can count on everyday. to remind your brain there are things you CAN count on. just get into a routine.

 

try these steps and write back if you will and want to in a few days. give yourself positive thoughts and affirmation daily. keep trying. it will get better.

Edited July 3, 2011 by IfiKnewThen

[TroyNJ]

Kat, first I know how you feel trust me I do....I was married to my wife who I loved with all my heart for 15 years. She was the love of my life, I would have died for her.....One year ago almost to this day I found out she cheated on me while I was out of state working. I didn't think I could move on, wanted to die, cried all day for weeks...Trust me you will get past this, you have to ask yourself what do u miss about him? He is not a good guy, you said that yourself.

 

I know you feel betrayed, this is normal. It gets better, i'm living proof it does. hand in and keep posting!